Snap Out Of It

It’s the noise which pierces and stings, it’s some daft desire as life seems to be bleak, anxiety no longer even pulling me together to do things, it being rolled in by all bed covers and being under the bed to resemble a monster, seems like the only big opportunity to actually grasp. 

Everything seems to be wrong, that even jealousy doesn’t even tickle me and I have no courage to go back somewhere I even should be in.

Life is too bleak and suicide seems like something even bleaker, why would you throw something away which hasn’t even irritated me, it’s just some dull void, which is just there and the window is always open, letting noises in and I let the knocks go louder and I do eventually get yanked out of bed by the extra key, pretty much yanked by my pajamas and I can hear his boots on the empty pizza boxes.

I need to pull myself together.

Jamie lights a cigarette as he pushes me into the shower. He holds his silence, his back turned to the door, as I just slowly force myself under the water, not even feeling it at first.

“You didn’t show up at her funeral.” I don’t even want to grunt, but I just do as a soft answer, as he just glances back at me and it amuses me how he holds his Sunday in suits tradition. Right. I trail my fingers on the tiles. Jamie keeps looking at me as I keep trailing the tiles. “She-”

“I know, she cheated. He was there at the funeral. Miles told me.”

“Cunt. Should’ve kept his mouth shut.”

“Yeah, well, better than you keeping it silent. Since you seem to be fond of secrets.” I grumble and Jamie just looks away, going away to find an ashtray which is deserted among the bed covers in the bedroom. He comes back. 

“So, you honestly think I should’ve told you that again, when the rumors drove you wild, Turner?” 

I shut my eyes and my body jerks, I can’t feel anything. Soon enough I feel Jamie turn off the water and he pulls me close into a hug, as I let out a piercing cry and he just holds me. 

“You broke up with her, that’s why-”

“She cheated! Whilst we were together.” I clutch his suit, he’s all wet now. 

“Things weren’t working out.” He sighs, pulling me close and it amuses me how cold sometimes he is, as he just keeps me close, rocking me back and forth. “That’s why you broke up. It wasn’t the first time-”

“It was the first time I knew!”

“You had your doubts, Alex.” I pat him on the back, so he lets go of me and slowly exits the bathroom, just to step on glass, which causes Jamie to flinch, as he slowly picks up the frame and I just look away. But I can imagine how his face whitens once he sees the photo ripped by the glass shards. I’m also sure he gingerly drops it, by the sound of it. 

It’s a numbness where I don’t even know where to go, days going by and soon into weeks just make me realize how nothing makes sense and how a void just seems to laugh at me, making me ask why if this seemed to make sense, why take everything away from me. I try to shower and eventually Jamie takes off his suit and washes my hair, trying not to pity me, as I had yelled at him when everything just started, when I had just found out and I had yelled at him, to never pity me.

He hands me a cigarette when I’m wrapped up and sitting besides the bed as he makes the covers, glancing at me to make sure I’m still there. The only thing he seems to be less concerned is food, which for some reason I’ve managed to order all over, maybe because it seemed to give an illusion that it would feed me. 

Jamie starts showing me random t-shirts and I keep shaking my head until we both choose a plain black one and jeans, a grey hoodie. I shiver, wondering if he wants to yank me outside, but instead he pushes me out onto the balcony, cigarette box in hand and I just look down to see the lazy street and the people and a dog without a leash. Jamie leans against the rails besides me, sighing, looking at me, confused himself. 

“Do you want to go out?” Both cigarettes are lit and I just shrug and shake my head. He leaves it at that. We keep smoking and I keep glancing at him and I know I’m a mess even if he’s offered to clean up my room entirely while we smoke and I don’t refuse. He doesn’t offer me much besides his company and that seems bright for some reason, when I’d be ignoring his calls for days. I apologize, mumbling. “You need to head out. Miles’ been dying to see you.”

My eyes widen as I discard the half-finished cigarette.

I still see Miles shaken on the door, as I was thinking to go indeed to the funeral and he blurts out the truth, that I shouldn’t be there for someone who cheated.

Haven’t faced him since.

I look down just to get a deja vu of all the last nights when the feeling of ending the loud oblivion seems far too tempting, it’s when all the body can no longer ache and all the mind seems to be thinking of it’s own and seeing a car crash and feeling a pain go through my bones, the sudden flinch made me realize that my fear of getting physically hurt seemed far too scarier than choosing the side of giving myself to death and maybe even joining Arielle. 

I ignore his pleas for me to see Miles, who seemed to be far too stern according to Jamie, who recently had a row, which Jamie wouldn’t speak of and Miles was far too away from my eyesight or mouth to ask. I would watch them and I always wondered but I never asked Jamie’s tense self or how he would hold his eyes on Miles, as everyone’s concern was Alison who would no longer hold and push her arms around his and he would just try to blink the ashes of an old relationship which wasn’t better than mine and Arielle’s. I wondered what would he do if Alison were to give up one day and just like anything, he spoke of himself rarely, Alison muttering to me once that I don’t even know him because there are things he’d never speak of due to some trauma and that would cause me to look at him, see him broken on certain days and that’s when I would change my curiosity for some sudden excuse as an another day which I made sure wouldn’t come.

“C’mon, Al.” Jamie stops and watches me as my eyes are still interested in the void beyond, that if I could try enough I would picture everything there wasn’t and the thought of what lies beyond isn’t even tempting, but the placebo effect that everything might go away is the truest driving force. “I walk for hours a day.” 

He pauses and I narrow my eyes. It’s far more than a few hours a day. I hold my silence on his depression. Whenever it would get bad in the past I’d join him in the morning, only I would run ahead and then I realized that it was far too lonely and we would just walk and that’s when he would slowly ease, Archie far too used for the long walks which were still covered by the dog’s need when Jamie would openly say that it would be the only way to cure the day from feeling as if it was wasted, then he would say that he entertained the dog who doesn’t even notice pigeons from knowing them so well and fast they would fly off.

I feel anxious in his presence sometimes when he’s the one who takes care of me as he pushes me outside and the world feels lighter, I hate it when suddenly depression is taken away and we just start walking and Jamie holds his silence, watching me and I smile briefly, wondering if he’d stay the night watching some movie he wouldn’t enjoy and state so in the morning when both of us would have breakfast, his eyes smiling.

-

I've been writing this maybe for a few weeks. I was sad that I didn't have some sole Milex from Alex's point of view, as in a long novel and I just wanted to use that and I remember I kept musing on it for a while. I've been writing this and so many other things that I can't even recall how I came up with the plot xD 

It mostly just came from me being depressed and I've been feeling awfully down for quite a while due to everything happening. And also the idea of putting Jamie as Alex's friend came to mind and I quite wanted to follow the idea of discovering one's sexuality because usually I tend to have my characters out already and I guess I want to try the whole coming out at 27 to yourself. I'll just keep quiet about the plot and as I think a bunch of my stories happen, Jamie just squeezes himself in, so I guess we'll see where this is going, but this is more Milex, just that of course Alex is having time out now.

I've got so many stories written which I should post, so I think the next few days will just have at least one update each, so rejoice XD 

I was feeling… very down as it's seen and I remember looking at the road and flinching at the sudden car noises so the ending of this story was mostly written with me on the peak of depression and desperation. 

I felt bad about Arielle and I struggled for a bit but with Chung being so fucking problematic, as Callie joked, she doesn't even deserve to be in this story, so Arielle was chosen pretty much to be dead before the story even started. 

I just really like the image of Jamie stepping on the broken frame and then gingerly dropping it.

A lot of the story is built around secrets and whatnot, as let's be honest all three of them hold too many things which are kept, so yeah. I used that and I will be using that. Am I spoiling too much ? xD 

In general I think because of To Miles I ended up loving this love triangle more than I should xD and Jamie and Miles' studio recording session is I think my most rewatched video on youtube hahah xD it melts my heart and I want to hug Jamie there so badly xD 

About the title, to be honest Snap Out Of It was one of the first AM songs I actually got into and I love it, I love it so so much and I frankly am pissed at the shit video and the whole sexualization and I guess the title is my way of saying fuck you to the video xD eh, I'm always angry xD because Al does have to snap out of it

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and Miles should be in the next chapter :3

<3

Jamie