Sunday, 13 July 2014

Start Finding Passion 2

Jack and Julian both stay over even if me and Jamie share the bed, as I still keep shivering, Jamie also awake, both of us glancing at each other, counting the remaining days, eternity seems to clench our jaws as I still see the hands, as they ruffle mindlessly the bags. As a bag was shown to us later with the knives, more evidence proved and we were allowed out as Jamie’s parents came back, now me and Jamie sitting on opposite sides of the car, pretending to never be lovers even if for the straights you are always straight. 
We showered together, which raised no eyebrows, Jamie’s head against the wall, as I was drying my hair and I kept looking at his back, how he slowly started tanning towards the end and how we both seemed to be getting bored with the outcome of his parents nagging at his lack of a girlfriend, inviting me over for Jaime to have a friend here, that we could share an apartment, but that even after the assault they were offended, that Jamie was still moving to Sweden, they tried their broken English, saying how Brazil is better and their fluent native portuguese, as Jamie would just palen, Julian roll his eyes and tell them to go fuck themselves, Jack polietly watching all of this, hands under the table, closing his eyes from while to while, fighting sleep as he’d dedicate all his awake state to Jamie.
We were alone in the room as Julian and Jamie headed outside to buy some beer and I wondered would I have the guts to ask, our conversations usually being very shallow about how much either of us loved Jamie. 
I think we’re all miserable human beings, only some don’t seem to accept it and mask it with everything they can but that still doesn’t make it happier than all of us as we all hold our regrets dear. It makes me realize it by looking at everything from the kites belonging to people in the favelas and perhaps to the filth who is now laughing at their catch and hissing at us for putting one of them into jail. I feel weird, knowing that they all watch television and they would be doing normal stuff like drinking coke and rooting for Brazil in the world cup. They’re among us and they’re more protected because they’re better than my sexuality in the eyes of justice. 
I shiver and Jack just watches me, we are all miserable, doesn’t matter where everyone is just standing in the undergound looking all grim and we’re all scared of losing-
those who we love, as Jamie opens the door, Julian holding the beers. We all sit down as I watch Jamie sip his beer and soon enough they all leave for a smoke, leaving us alone for a while, since we need our fair share of snogging due to them sleeping over and I just fall into Jamie’s lap, looking at him as he smirks at my idle state and at first I trace his face with my eyes before I press a finger against his forehead trailing it down, next to his eye so that he closes it, showing the rarely placed eyelashes and I travel lower to his lips as he bites the tip of it, watching me with his piercing look, like the one he had given me, full of fear of interest as I trail down to his neck, I take him by the hem of his shirt, pulling Jamie to my level and hungrily kissing him, nearly biting ‘til blood. 
We’re all miserable because we don’t-
believe in ourselves so much that it becomes-
Jack and Julian walk in, Julian grinning at his own lightness and I just watch him,
chemical. The first few days come and go far too fast as we all just remain inside, Julian only heading back to his and Jamie’s parents apparently judging Jack’s choice to stay in Barra, which seems a bit odd, but I just slowly start clasping the elitism which rages here, but disappears when it comes to eating out on the beach. 
I grunt as we make our way, but I ease once I get hot pastel in my hands, as Jack still skeptically checks out the menu and I take the piss saying that there’s none with salty licorice and he flips at me, as Julian watches the both of us. 
“The only thing I enjoy in Brazil, is the fucking pastel.” I whine, still a bit uncomfortable from seeing black youths up to the point that Jamie has to hold my knee under the table and soothe me quietly, leaning against my ear, if the situation allows it as Brazil isn’t the most favorable country to have two gay men kissing passionately or even share an intimate moment. 
I start dreading the days as they keep going and me and Jamie have played all the board games he’s had and Jack had yanked us twice to the Barra apartment, which was pretty much neat and not as fancy as Jamie’s sole room. We had decided to stay over, to which I had woken up to see Jamie about to wake me up. Insomnia destroying us both, as we headed out for a smoke. 
I didn’t want to lose to Jack, it wasn’t even a game, it was sole paranoia. It wasn’t even a dance, it was an awkward stumble as I would watch them, I would see Jack quickly eye me before he would ask Jamie something or irritate him with a better knowledge of portuguese than I had. I had tried before we arrived and I had trained, but it was far worse than I would ever think, while Jack could tell Jamie something, which would cause him to try and stab Jack’s arm with the fork. 
I was far too close to actually doing a column which would have Alex and Jack and I would try and see who was better. I don’t even know why he was with me and the fact that Jamie’s dad was in charge of the current soap opera seemed to intimidate me, as I would see people protests in the malls of Brasilia that they disliked one of the characters. I knew Jamie’s monthly allowance and he would joke that if his dad died, he would never even had to work and that intimidated me to no end, but instead he told me that then I could just do whatever I wanted and help in any way without asking anything else in return.
“Why don’t you come out to your dad?” Jack asks as we’re surrounded by pastel again, this time take away, as Julian seems to observe everything curiously, sometimes asking far too many questions to Jamie in portuguese, that some of them are understood by Jack and personally translated by my boyfriend to me. Jamie just flinches.
“I wouldn’t get an allowance and that money would be wasted, it wouldn’t be given to charity and frankly I have no intention of stealing someone’s job just because I need money.” Jamie shrugs and his ideology seems to be doubted by Jack, who is eating a guava pastel. 
“What if something happens to him, like… what if he dies, then he’d never know.”
“Then, he’d never know. Better to keep things calm.” Jamie snaps and I just make mental points, that Jamie would maybe leave Jack, if they were together and my PTSD gives me far too many flashes when I’m awake, keeping my dreams thankfully stale. 
I keep looking at them both, myself still seeming bleak and my reality sometimes far too shrudded with the black youth who seem to be pouncing on me when I get enough sleep, their hands wandering all over my belongings and the fact that they’re still out there, seems like a rational decision for all of us to cut our trip short, just like the police had told us and Julian decides to go with us, as we waste the rest of our money on another trip, in hope of something much more successful as Jack visits me in the dream, now his hair all flaming and he holds my face in his hands, I feel the warmth and his face approaching,
I see him handing me apples, before he allows me to collapse on the floor, his hair playing turmoil in my dreams, as he wears-
I feel someone yank him for me to escape my grasp, but I don’t see their face, but Jack keeps giving me apples and I feel a bit soothed, not knowing-
Fear wakes me up, as Jamie yanks me up, saying that the tickets were bought abruptly and Madrid chosen as a destination, which makes me grunt as I state that I’ve been there. But apparently everyone has, ages ago, as well and that Julian had wanted to see Pride, all of us being open Europeans and what not that we believe in. 
We dress up fancier for a dinner, which is pretty much in a Brazilian restaurant, everyone exclaiming to me and Jack that the meat is common for the North of Brazil and we just nod, trying it and I just seem to be missing pastel, as more beer is poured into everyone’s glass and I just keep glancing at Jamie, who seemed to be in some small fight with his dad, exclaiming far too many things in Portuguese. 
“Education.” Jack whispers into my ear and I just thank him, as Julian notices my distressed state and just asks me what do I want to see in Madrid and I just reply that I’m homesick for a proper selection of pick and mix in any Swedish store. That night I angrily fall asleep to recalling the small beach in Lidingö where I had yanked Jamie out and he just kept complaining how cold it was, the box of candy left at some random bus stop ages ago and I had watched him, nearly pushing him off into the water and then he had just yanked me and kissed me, the feelings always fresh and tender, rushing whenever we’d kiss and once we’d be back I’d pull all his clothes off, both of us grinding and biting, faces roughly cold from the wind-
I made passionflower tea when we were back, Jamie still unused to tea and the amounts I’d drinks as he’d watch me boil the water, no longer muttering why the fuck did the house have a lack of a kettle, but for Jamie it was always a coffee machine. I looked at him, it’s funny how sometimes we might hate the homes we were raised in, but we’d still have a lot of traits printed upon us, a fragment of a place we were raised and something those attributes made us the people others would love and ourselves would be content with being. 
I loved him far too much, for loss to be a normal thing. I spilled the tea, reality far too concerned with my alienation. 
In the morning I yank everyone out to a pastel place and I order far too many, which gets me a sidelook from everyone, besides Jack who is enjoying the last moments of Coconut water and we just make faces at each other. 
“Pastel is the only goddamn thing, I’ll miss about Brazil.” I moan, as I keep waiting for them, a bit uncomfortable from looking at the sea and still flinching at every single black youth I keep seeing or the weird guys who offer to buy peanuts and spill samples on the table. Jamie just lights a cigarette, before offering to the rest. The mood is a bit sultry, as Julian starts moaning about classes starting and Jamie’s shoulders tense up a bit so that I just throw an arm over him and he nearly breathes smoke into my face and gives a small smile, putting his hand on my leg. 
“You’re gay yeah, Julian?” The obvious has to be stated to Jack’s question and Julian juts nods and smiles briefly at me, since we’re sitting opposite and I want too much beer, enough fizzy drinks, I’ll raid it back home and sleep seems to take me too far in and I dream of Jack and Jamie and the thought comes crashing, leaving me exposed for the rest of the day and morning as I watch them. I can’t help but even sit with Julian, as I ease with him being gay as well. The morning is spent with everyone already seemingly getting drunk, Jamie’s room being thrashed as the just walks over his wardrobe on the floor, thinking what should he leave, since he had muttered to me that he doesn’t plan on coming back to Brazil any time soon. 

“Do you think you can break fate though?” Julian asks all of a sudden sipping on beer, as Jamie already managed to draw a rainbow from some old eyeliner he used to use on Jack’s face, which made my whole body tingle and I just turn to Julian.
“Because sometimes you’re fated, but what if something happens and fate twists and everything just falls apart or would that still mean that it’s fated?” He continues asking, still looking at me and I keep wondering if I should continue being chummy with him, as he continues looking at me with his big brown eyes. I just continue sucking on the beer bottle to distract myself as the question is thrown wide open in the air. 
Jack glances at me and then at Jamie, one eye closed as Jamie continues making his face full of rainbows, as Jack speaks. 
“Fate can break, but then all is fated. So it’s fated for fate to be broken.”
When we are at the airport the parents both cling onto me, apologizing for the assault which makes me shudder and don’t even allow me to speak, as they keep thanking me for dragging Jamie along.
"Don’t forget to bring your girlfriends next time or don’t worry you can easily find a lovely Brazilian girl here next time if you set yourself the goal." Jamie’s mom says before she tells me to take care of him and we leave after they let go of both of us. I look away a bit uncomfortable, wondering yet knowing exactly how Jamie feels about never feeling closure with his parents and gingerly taking the month’s allowance saying that it’s the price they pay for homophobia, that it’s far too ironic and that it’s what he would do regardless even if it wasn’t offered to him. 
"Yeah, by taking care, they meant swallow or spit if it’s too gross." I smirk, taking my boyfriend’s hand as soon as we’re out of sight and are split up to put our bags through the scanners. Whenever Jamie gets a chance he flips at me, with two fingers which is thankfully making the rest seem oblivious to our gesture as I peck him as soon as we’re out. 
"I’m sure they meant that in a heterosexual context as well, Jamie." I smirk, adding my comment a bit too late, but making Jamie laugh lightly, as we make our way to the gate to see Jack in the duty free zone buying more tacky souvenirs as we were both not even aware of he was flying today, yet he vowed he told everyone that he had said bye to everyone. I stare at his two newly bought pairs of Havaianas, which both have the Brazilian small flag on the straps, one which is already on the feet to greet the transatlantic flight. I would burn my own shirt if it wasn’t given to me by Jamie a few years ago. 
Julian arrives late and we hold an awkward silence between us for some reason as I see him looking at me and pouting out the candy section, as we both head off. I feel his piercing silence and it make me feel uncomfortable. I try to find any of the sour pops which I usually end up buying in any pick and mix in Sweden and Julian just continues watching me. I’ve forgotten that some people do find me attractive and that if I could I could’ve gotten someone else, but as soon as Jamie and Jack come back, I still get jealous

Because just because I can get someone else, doesn’t mean that I can hold Jamie down. 

"Your loneliness is going to destroy you." Julian tells me as I refuse to go somewhere with Jamie, my mind dazing off to stare at Jack, who himself is amused by my idleness. It’s our turn to watch the backpacks and he’s staring at me and I feel a bit too uncomfortable, that I just feel like a need a smoke even if I had once recently before we all headed to the gates and my mind is used to the fact that I’ll be smoke less for many hours with gum stuck to all my teeth. 

“Pardon?” I ask and I feel myself shake a bit, as I look back to see Jamie and Jack laughing at some postcards and Jack keeps watching Jamie, lovingly, but thankfully the wolf is not pouncing yet and I don’t think he will, but the fear keeps eating me alive, as Jack confessed sleepily that once me and Jamie will break, he will put all his cards out and, eyes closed he turned to face me, saying that we would never be together anyway, with me being all over the place. It was like putting cards out and finding out that your card is the one on the not loving enough spot. 

Now Julian watches Jack and Jamie. He keeps his silence, watching me and eventually smiles softly and I just sigh, trying to ease, with my own belief in Jamie’s infidelity which is nonexistent. It’s my own infidelity in the belief that he’ll leave me. And sometimes you’re the one which releases the spider. I could hear Jack hiss. He’d tell me he’d know fate, just because I was too predictable. 


Sorry this story is quite hard to write due to the PTSD and I think in general Blue/Jacket and Start Finding Passion are really really thought through and I've been really musing on both of them a lot, because even if Miles isn't here I've still got a bunch to pretty much explain and wind up xD

I think actually one of the biggest compliments I've gotten about this story was from Callie who told me that I made Julian rather Brazilian, when I was really focusing to make Jamie such and didn't realize that I managed to make Juju as well, so yay :D 

I really like describing Jamie, it's everywhere in my stories, so no surprise xD

I dunno, I just really used my chance to show I guess the insides of how a Brazilian's family mind works with the whole Brazil ideology and seeing it all painfully with Callie, just makes me sad and I just wanted to share that and show the depth of Jamie's family I guess. I just like giving backgrounds and I've also decided on Alex's family as well, since it's never mentioned and should be mentioned soon, also his choice of being a nurse. 

I actually do enjoy pastel and me and Callie ended up laughing that we were eating out for the first time in a while and we chose some Rio inspired Pastel place where we ended up with pineapple juice with mint and açai, so it was funny that we ended up pretty much excited to find some Brazilian cuisine. They had brigadeiros and all. xD 

So I've pretty much been giving Alex my taste in food, for the pick and mix and the pastel xD yeah, but it's more beach food so you don't find it in Brazilian restaurants unfortunately, well, I did find some in restaurants but back in Brazil. 

Lidingö is a region of greater Stockholm and it's an island and it's really really pretty and me and Callie lived there for a while. I dragged Callie out once to the beach and it was freezing and we had a thermos and I wrote a part of To Miles on a picnic bench there. 

I dunno I pretty much wrote everything in the story and a lot is me trying to keep silent here not to spoil anything. xD Sorry!

Sorry I've been down the past few days so I didn't post anything even if I've been writing and I've got four new started stories and old ones slowly getting updated and what not:3 so yeah!

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, as I really love this story to bits!

Please tell me if you liked it :)



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