I felt odd the next couple of days, giving myself too much candy and feeling awful guilt as apparently Dick hadn’t broken up with his boyfriend and he had told me when I asked him that he was indeed in an exclusive relationship with his boyfriend, just shrugging at whatever I could throw at him and that’s when I realized that I should really keep my damn nose out of it. I wasn’t now the one to condone cheating because I had done it holding hands with Dick.
I tried to get my mind off it by hanging out more with Lazarus, who was complaining that I hadn’t been writing enough in the notebook, but I just replied with a sole that life can be boring and the past few days have just happened to be so as well, to which he replied that I was a fool and that I should admit the guilt which I have been spoon feeding myself just because of a spurt of tension I had slept with Dick and since I had no intentions of continuing it was fucking my mind up. Maybe I just wasn’t the hooking up type and that’s why it was really screwing with my head so badly. I wondered then how would the hooking up type be, but I had stayed away from Dick as he himself had found it weird, that I had decided to eat breakfast in my room instead of sitting with him.
Then the trans man still in his starry pajamas just knocked on my door, allowing himself in like he always would. The only awkward person had been me. He asked me whether I had wanted to talk about it because he still valued my friendship.
I think we all have to make note that we’ve still all got friends, maybe not in the ways that we want to, but we still do, sometimes we’ve got them far away, sometimes we meet them online, but they’re still close to us regardless and Dick had happened to be my friend, who I had screwed and that in the end was the thing screwing with my head. I just remained seated on my bed, since that was all that we’d gotten from Peter. I suddenly felt ridiculously anxious and a bit guilty that I had described it all rather vividly in the notebook which I’d also given to Lazarus to read in his own pleasure. I wasn’t sure how much he enjoyed the gay shenanigans, but he seemed rather intrigued in how it was to share an apartment since he had gotten his from his grandparents. I was always jealous of those which didn’t have to search, as I was struck with some eternal thought that I’d always be searching or at least for a good while. Looking back at my notes it feels as if I was talking about something else like love, but it’s something as simple as an apartment really. But I wouldn’t want to split it with anyone at all, because then it wouldn’t hold a point of having your own apartment. I dreamt of it far too often, getting bored of all the other men in the apartment, getting bored of all their antics, as Julien and Nathan got into another fight again.
This one felt as if it was scripted before and well thought through because no blood was spilled and they made sure not to hit each other hard enough, as if it was a bit more allowed just because they had both not managed to ruin any part of Peter’s property.
I had met Julien while waiting for a train and he had a bruise under his lip after the fight. He just approached me, grinning and offering to spend time together. During the whole train trip he didn’t blink an eye and kept looking outside, as I kept scribbling and he asked me if he could ever read everything I’ve written, but I just shook my head at the curly haired Julien. He just shrugged, as if knowing that one day I would do the crucial decision of showing or not. But he had been mentioned here, while showing it to Lazarus who had barely cared was much easier for the sole fact that I didn’t have a proper relationship with him. We were just two people who ended up being friends and he would listen to all my shenanigans. Hell, I’ve even written here that Julien doesn’t have a pretty face. I just apologized again for not showing all the scribbles, but instead Julien was now on his phone, texting someone from what I understood his quick typing and grinning, as the train filled up.
When we reached the centre stop there were far too many people, so we ended up going opposite direction apparently as when I looked behind me I couldn’t find him. I got sad by the events and I started wondering as I was walking around with the people slowing down with their count as the streets would become less crowded, the cars a bit less existent and just standing all over the place. That was the usual depiction of an ending day. I had wondered if I should head back and he was just there waiting for me.
I felt an intense curiosity as I sat on the stairs of the soon to be closed mall in the pitch black afternoon, whether Julien was actually being friendly or perhaps a bit more, but I didn’t seem to understand his sexuality just yet, as he simply just wandered around life quietly and I didn’t hear much of him in his room besides some loud laughter as he would take a call from while to while, but he was as quiet as if he was never there.
I got far too sad and I couldn’t help but wonder what had ran through Julien’s head on whether he was interested in me, but then I was running too much ahead and everyone knows that the easiest way to kill time was to fall in love or believe that you are. It was an easy and sweet getaway to just believe that something exciting would be rushing your blood, but even if it never happened that’s just how we all survived all the school years, so how come adulthood was any different? We clung onto love because it was such a great placebo with all the side effects.
Reading through, I didn’t end up telling all about how Dick had talked to me, he just told me how he didn’t want a plain fuck to ruin our friendship, that it was just a one time thing and he really didn’t want to explain this again, he had mumbled it, feeling a bit guilty but I just stared at him. I just chipped in saying that I didn’t have any feelings anyway, just that it was weird to hold him in my arms, to which Dick grinned saying that most likely it was my first hook up, to which I had nodded. He seemed even more amused by me and said that if I ever felt like it again, I was more than welcome to screw him or get screwed. I thanked him and our conversation was over. The next morning we had breakfast together and he was flicking viciously through the television, stopping on the Simpsons, laughing at their jokes which I thought could’ve been off until I realized that he was back to being genuine around me which somehow eased me up and was nearly erasing the uneasiness I was feeling towards him.
Now when it came back to Julien and his whereabouts I had no idea, so I ended up walking around the city centre again, just because I had thought that those were his plans originally, hoping to bump into him. Instead I ended up going into the Sci-Fi store with a weird hunch and it ended up being true, as I saw the curly haired man browsing through some comics and then he just chose something, going to a corner and then I saw him peeling off something before sneaking into his bag.
Great.
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This chapter is a bit shorter than the rest, because I didn't want to interrupt the scene, so I figured that I'll drag some anticipation here >.>
I wanted to make all the characters imperfect in many ways and kind of make them unstandable (sort of), the point was to make them very very human and flawed. That's why I gave Julien shoplifting, to be very honest.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did, please tell me so in the comment section below. You'll make my day.
Thank you
<3
Jamie
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