Thursday, 28 January 2016

the animal eight

But he had seen me before I could turn around and I just waved back, feeling uneasy as he walked towards and outside the doors. It felt odd knowing what he had done, but I knew that I wasn’t involved at all and he pretended that nothing was going on as well, so it was in my best interest to simply remain silent on the subject and I myself didn’t know entirely how I would be reacting to it. I just felt as I was the one getting entirely caught in for it. I couldn’t relax as we kept walking up to the point that when we reached a bench, Julien just stared me down. I didn’t know what to say, as I had never stolen anything in my life and I had never really met anyone before who had stolen something let alone in front of my own eyes. 

Are you actually still traumatized over me shoplifting, Julien had asked me as I was scribbling doodles now all over the pages. I just remained silent. The other man just ended up sighing, offering to go eat at McDonald’s for me to cool off at least slightly and doing a daft joke that he was going to steal my burger. I didn’t laugh and that just made Julien feel far more uncomfortable that he took out his phone, mumbling under his breath that I was acting as if I had never stolen anything in my life, to which I replied that indeed I never had and he just looked at me square eyed. To which he asked me what the fuck would make me chill and what would make me feel easier. 

I just tried to bombard my brain with the fact that perhaps he was still into me and that it would be some love potion of sorts which would take the ideas out that I had just seen him stealing. It didn’t work, but at least it had been some really bad attempt which I was happy I tried, so I kept trying different things like looking at him far too intense, but now he was busy with his phone. I watched Julien with his curly hair and dark eyes, as he just kept staring at his screen. 

Well, he had started, either we party or he’d find someone else, he said grinning. And I didn’t know what to say, because I knew that if I would be the one refusing that I would be truly left alone or with Dick or Lazarus, which weren’t really my best choice of friends. Lazarus rarely went outside and seeing him outside with a cape in Coop wasn’t the most flattering experience and I just kept getting weird looks even from fellows which dressed like our dear Lazarus. I just nodded at Julien, hinting that I didn’t mind to spend some more time with him, it wasn’t just because I had nothing else to do, but it was because I had no one else to be with. 

He offered to rent out some bikes with our travel cards and we had decided to do so, I regretted that we didn’t choose the boat, but alas you can’t do everything in one day and the last boat would’ve departed soon anyway, so we went on a small bike ride next to the river, nearly silent, but both me and Julien had slowly started easing up. I wondered if I would start showing the notebook to Lazarus again, since now it had started being doodles where I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to another man again or not. 

Instead Julien took a break and seemed to be pondering on something as we stopped to catch our breath in front of the black water and he just picked up a stone to throw and it made barely any ripples in the night. I wondered if any of us would even say anything, instead Julien just smiled at me, holding my eyes for a brief while and then he just commented on enjoying the silence with me, because he continued usually all of his friends always end up talking a fucking lot and he has to follow up and the last silence he had shared was with an old lover in bed, he had chuckled. I said that I’m sorry that it’s an old lover and he just shrugged, not wishing to continue. 

I told him that he had already started, that there was no absolute turning back, trying to grin back at him the friendly way that the had started with me. Instead he just looked at me a bit lost and I started wondering how long ago had that even been, since the flesh wound is still bleeding through his eyes. I wondered far too long, as he kept staring at me and maybe we had moved an inch, before someone started yelling at someone and we both stood up to watch the fight which was steadily approaching us. It were a few males about our age, probably a bit older and drunk from some bar, as one of them was pushed into Julien as they were walking past and I had to hold him back from beating them both up as if they were Nathan. I wondered if they both enjoyed using each other as punching bags. Probably not, as that was surely not the thought which graced their heads but rather the fact that they hated each other’s guts. 

When they were gone, I was hoping for a kiss, but instead Julien just sighed, offering me a cigarette and I had taken it, lighting up mine and his with a lighter. The flame licked both cigarettes as Julien had widened his eyes, now forgetting about the fight which was still going on foot and was still very much loud and heard from where we were standing. I wondered if they were arguing over a lover. I’d always paint all the men as gay ever since I knew I was, then it was more fun to imagine all the feuds between lovers and exes. It just seem far more realistic to me, because there were so many queers and you could know all of their stories. We ended up giving our bikes back, nearly walking the way back, because we just felt tired and we ended up talking about how we had felt about moving here with all the upcoming winter and barely any snow, which was opposite of what we’ve been advertised, but we still seemed to be looking forward to it. Apparently Julien’s birthday was a bit before I had arrived, while mine was in the spring. 

We were nearly alone in the train ride back, as Julien kept blowing against the windows drawing stick men and I was glued to my notebook as usual and I couldn’t just show it to him now, not just because I had slept with Dick and it would just feel weird having someone who I wrote about so often read something which was related to him. I kept deciding against it even if I had wanted him to read it. It was some sort of solution of letting the person find out by themselves everything you had ever wanted to say. I had ideas of just leaving some social media of mine in front of my parents, to increase everything and just let them find out, but once they cut off my brother for being gay as well, I figured that it was just time for me to leave and all the hope I ever had was gone. I just didn’t understand how could you even condemn people for something so simple as love and it’s been written for so many times, yet it becomes nearly silent due to all the ignorance. I just kept scribbling up to the point that I started doodling stars on the cover and Julien seemed to be used to the fact that we wouldn’t talk during train rides. I wondered if silence was some sort of feeling he had with the past lover. I wondered who they were. 

I wondered even more if I should break the golden rule we had of not talking in trains and whether that would’ve been okay to do so now after one long silent ride. 

I still decided to venture and I figured that if he would talk then I would talk as well. Even if I barely had anything to talk about, writing this down would also cut the talk with Lazarus as he would start speaking of his fair maidens and I would speak of the brief encounters I’ve had, but Dick was surely something I’d leave out of my story or at least I would try to avoid name calling because I really didn’t want him to know about Dick and I knew that I was going in circles, it just that living in the apartment became like a really bad rotten family and you don’t just confess to your parents about incest or let alone other siblings. 


One of the reasons I started the animal was because I was frankly stuck in the worst apartment which I've ever lived in and I felt trapped. I tried to recall all the previous bad ones to make myself feel better, but frankly that one was the worst and it inspired a lot for the novel as I was writing it for Nanowrimo. That's why the long hiatus, because I simply couldn't create there and now I'm recovering from it. 

I'm back finally.

I also make the chapters ~ 1.6 k or less to keep it sort of Nanowrimo day length:)

I kind of intentionally made the point of no dialogue, the only thing I wanted to make an actual quote was to make something Dick was saying, which now I unfortunately won't recall what it was. But either way, I quite like it this way and it was awfully fun to write. 

I've never actually rented the bikes out in Stockholm, but I really should, when it's not as cold of course. But the snow melted now x)

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you



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