Friday, 12 September 2014

let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 4

Lips sting as if the kiss had already happened and he lures in on my mind as we sit next on the lessons and even share from the same book. Keeping our silence all the way to lunch which is when we should talk.

I don’t have the courage as I keep looking at him and his scarf is tied too messy as we head towards the lockers, my heart pounding too furiously and I can hear the blood in my ears.


“Oh, another valentine. Someone’s horny.” He smirks and opens it as I just stand with my mouth open and a finger in air. Fuck, fuck, fuck that asshole who is writing to him. I don’t do anything as Jamie just scans the letter many many times before folding it and putting in his shirt pocket. I close my mouth as he turns around on his heel and I solely follow him. I nearly go behind, my thoughts far too shredded with some insane hope. I should’ve never seen that list but as I look at my hands, it would’ve happened anyway. I love him too much as a friend. We’ve known each other since primary. 

“Jamie.” I say and he turns, eyes digging into mine. I’m surely not straight. Fuck. But I’ve never been attracted to any men and I can recall Jamie’s sleepy banter that there are people who break your sexuality and I had laughed, flipping him off, pushing his head away-

Fuck. Jamie. 

Get yourself together.

Straighten up. Hah.

“What did he say?” Jamie just rolls his eyes to my question and turns around as we resume our pace through people already with some lunch unlike us, still starving. 

“Horny, I told you.”

“No one would want you, wanker.”

“You seemed last night, Mosshart.” My cheeks pale and I feel my footsteps echo in my bones. He turns around a few steps behind and looks at me, a few people passing by us and I know that I’ve got his entire face mapped in my head and soon he will dissappear, all of our friends vanishing and us even yelling that once a lover is found both of us will be gone and I can’t help but keep looking at his lost eyes and he just comes closer to me and in my mind I want to kiss him, I want to forget, I want to somehow know how my attraction is dignified and where had I gone wrong, why is his touch always so natural

and why can’t I lose him?

“Are you the secret admirer?” And I lower my head, my whole body shaking with my head, as if I had lost some high stake. I’m not the one writing letters. I’m under all the wrong labels. There’s always people around, physically or mentally and they always look, but they never care and I raise my head to see him right in front of me and he hugs me. 

“I promise you’ll find someone too, Alison.” I bite my lip, curling up against his shorter frame. If I could feel bone, I would. “You’ll find a lovely girl, I promise.”

I let out a sob. We both don’t know where we are heading, as Jamie just takes me by my wrist and we walk by the corridors into this nearly abandoned male bathroom, I heard that’s where people blow others off and he drags me inside a cubicle and we’re shattering, I know that and I can’t help but keep staring at him, he didn’t shave today. 

It’s not a very close clean-shave, I want to tell him that, I want him to take the words out of my mouth

One hour is not like the other in the future. 

We stare at each other on either sides of the cubicle. Today we are the ones blowing each other mentally.

“How do you know that I’ll find someone?” My voice breaks and I look at the sleeves of his cardigan and his messy scarf which I would steal when cold and he would just light a cigarette, saying nothing.

The feelings shatter my ribcage. 

“Because I know I’m in love.” He says darkly, as if a contract is sealed and his signature is given over and his eyes darken as he looks down and he opens the door to the cubicle and I grab his elbow and he turns around.

My chin is shaking.

“Everyone has sex here or whatever, would be stupid to break the tradition.” Jamie’s own fingers tremble. We’ve broken and winded each other. 

We’re each other’s five a.m. affair. 

He presses me against the wall.

I can’t help but smile, watching him up close.

“Just once.” Is from each other’s lips and passed on-

Breathes are shared before he closes his eyes and I’ll recall his eyelashes, how he had curled them once, laughing, that he uses nail polish more often than I do-

He presses his whole body against me, I feel how he had gained a bit of weight during the summer as he was taken off his grandparents are we had called each other every day, him ranting that the boy next door was straight

I get turned on by his tongue against my own, slightly rub timidly as I pull him closer, one arm around his waist, his stubble roughly stroking my skin, his lips soft and wet from the tugging, the licking, our tongues intertwined and slow-

I am pressed enterily against him, I feel him rise on his tiptoes and I smirk against his lips and we break the kiss suddenly-

Eyes meet, lips hungry and tongues.

I’m wet and he’s hard.

Kiss me again, please.

I press my head against his shoulder, stroking his cardigan fabric. 

“At least recall me as your first kiss, Alison.” He smirks a bit too darkly, still holding me. Jamie slowly starts letting go. And looks down.

“Tomorrow is Valentine’s.” He breathes. I nod. I already barely remember the kiss already, his all essence the contract to my soul. The kiss eased nothing. I raise his chin to look at me and his eyes are cloudy. Some loves aren’t meant to be even if it’s just ourselves. 

“You’ll be amazing, Jamie.” My heart cries. He nods, shrugs and we exit the cubicle, lesson nearly skipped. We quickly grab our things from the lockers and exit the school. I open my mouth to ask if he wants to go to mine, but he already waves at me, walking off.

Maybe there is no other chance. 

But the love is stuck within me. Not quiet enough to yell it out.


I binge wrote the last form chapters (this one included) for a few hours today. I couldn't stop, sometimes my depression takes over and I binge write and it's not even that it's unhealthy, it happens, I can't stop, my ideas keep flowing and that's why I've got so many chapters up to post and I can't even choose which ones to do.

And I'm sad that I finished this story it was going to be longer, but I've started plenty other ones already, so don't worry 8D I'm finishing a lot and starting a lot :3

to be honest I'm very happy this story is getting feedback because I love it and Callie loves it (*wave from androgynous Callie* she came out and she's shy, so yeah, we're non-binary and that breaks down to the fact that I've only dated 1 woman, 1 androgynous and 2 blokes and 1 bloke hook-up), wow. Guess, who's gay. Anyway. xD Also I have Grimmy pink hair now, yaaaay (I know, I'm drifting) and I have been seeing him as fashion icon. He's lovely and he will be showing up in more stories, yaaaay. So yeah, Callie keeps joking that I'm Grimmy now and with all the rumors regarding Harry, anyway, I'll keep quiet for their sake :3 (as if I don't kick out people out of the closet here, but anywaaaaay)

I'm quite sad that this story ended. And there was a brief period where Callie identified as a gay bloke and I identified as a lesbian solely and we were like where do we fit. And it's not really discussed widely, but just coz you're gay doesn't mean that you don't fall in love with other genders or non-genders, not all is bisexuality. Sorry, it's not. I'm fluid for instance. (I should really google that term xD) and anyway, this story was to prove that point and the struggle because your sexuality states one thing but you love someone else, really. 

So this story is based around it and I was talking to Callie, like those the title still match it, because it does, because we cling onto our labels because well, it's the cishets in the end of the day who make us stick in our boxes and sometimes it's not too easy to admit that you love someone our of your queer sexuality. 

And I really ship these two and I miss Fiji and now I'll miss LMSOSTSB, but there's a few chapters up to be posted, so keep checking and it will be posted eventually. Or if you want me to post the next tomorrow, just drop me a comment below and I will, self-esteem really, it's that simple:)

Originally it was going to be much longer but it got tense and this is the longest chapter in the whole story which can't really be broken down, can it? (I love writing back stories :3)

The chat about the secret admirer was before I dropped off and today started binge writing when Jamie asks Alison if she's the secret admirer. 

Callie stated that she loves how he drags her to the bathroom and I recall those which are barely used and well, I'm used to hearing stories of some being off-limits and done for smoking or blow jobs. 

The clean-shave and Jamie descriptions are really, when you meet someone you're dazzled by or in love, you just notice those small things, every small detail, so it just stings to you, like the unclean shave, the darker circles under the eyes or the wider smile, the openness and the body language really. 

I think my favourite moment of the whole story is Jamie's vague sentence that he's in love, I love it and yeah, it just shatters me as well, because like is it a confession and who is he actually in love with? 

I dunno, I write a lot on my phone and then I leave it on my drafts to edit later and I like random small phrases like "we are each other's five a.m. affair" because at that time you can't understand what's happening and that's the time when me and Callie confessed. I guess I have been depressed, but I've been slowly dipping my nose in phrases because I talk a lot and that's noticeable if I'm comfortable and I speak in long phrases and metaphors and I guess that's what I like about my stories, the chunks, sometimes you're not sure where they become but they're a love story themselves. 

And I always make a point to make my stories about love because when I was growing up I didn't have enough love stories and not enough queer ones specifically, so here I am. 

I honestly hope you're enjoying this because I'm scared that I'm picking up stories, binging and finishing them.

So please tell me if you enjoyed them :3

I think something I never expected was Alison to be quite taller than Jamie, Jamie is roughly my height and it's funny to see that he's relatively small when in flat boots because on photos you barely see it. And Alison looks really the same IRL while Jamie looks so much younger than it's bizarre and he's highly attractive as you'd expect really. Anyway, I'm trailing off. 

Also the story is to ruin the whole let's stay friends agenda, if you're close one of you wants the other or both. I'm spoiling, but then it's obvious. 

I also like the ending because the loudest feelings make you mute, whether it's love or depression and your mind goes blank.

I honestly hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell, there's more ahead and yeah, donation box on the right top:3

thank you, all of you, loves



let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 5

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