Friday, 19 September 2014

Stale Smoke In A Running Circle10

The question is more than plain?

Where do I begin?

Where do I start? Where does the dysphoria start and where does my desire to be with Jamie end? 

It’s not even about myself, it’s a mixture of indeed myself and where do I fit in with Jamie.  It’s about the anxiety of oneself and the other, since by the end of the day when you want to be in a relationship-

it’s both and it’s where two sexualities collide and not even being sure of myself, makes me anxious as I look at him as he comes back, quickly shooting a glance at Alex, who I seem to be avoiding and this seems to be a morning of confessions and I look around at all the cis men, not feeling any different, I still hold the same feelings, the ease and the attraction is all there.

I feel like I am dunking my head underwater, maybe this isn’t how coming out should feel, as all strings seem to be dettached and long lost feelings emerge, my head shaking and jerking to breath from the water

Jamie shares the pack of cigarettes, as everyone takes them and I see Thom observing me before dazing off with his cigarette, loosening his stare only with Jamie. Alex still strokes my hair with one glance,

I fit in there.

In his queerness, while I don’t fit in with Jamie’s sexuality, unless-

My throat tightens and I just close my eyes, no longer inhaling, letting the cigarette burn by itself. I finally get the courage to inhale. 

Where do I fit?

Would his attraction explain my ambigious gender? Same for Alex’s attraction?

It’s not even about my gender, it’s about my love for him and if it will ever be mutual.

And is it because of availability and screaming bingo, just because you cheated and I yank Alex outside and I know that my love will never match his even if his attraction goes beyond anything I’ve ever touched and we’re all in love with reflections of each other and I wonder if I stay long enough outside, Jamie won’t love and neither will Thom. 

Do I love who I get?

Is it love if I ask for it?

“Nothing changes my love for you.” Is said the next morning to Jamie, when all are asleep and we’re up and he struggles to fiddle with the strings. Maybe love is


but he doesn’t love me back and that’s it. I sit up to wake up Alex and pray that he would love me, that he does how I always wanted Jamie to and it’s hard to walk away even if it’s for a few minutes without knowing anything and by yourself to buy oranges, because you know who stays and who leaves

and gender makes no difference

because love is the queue. 

Me and Alex move out the next day, with the said bought oranges and I don’t know how, but he faked his ID and it’s not like I never did mine. 


I really struggled with this story and I knew that I had nothing left to tell besides the concluding paragraphs and I just get angry at many many things these days and I've been really really tired and exhausted. There's that Jamie quote where he says that it gets harder to write songs because you wonder what's too personal and I'm sad if I start losing that touch, so sometimes I feel like that, what do I include in the backstories when usually I am quite isolated and I just tell what's on my mind, all I know is that I'm tired and it's really weird how these days you feel the generation gaps and it dawned on me how only two people properly know who my love interest is and that's funny.

And sometimes I just feel like Jamie who dunks in the venue, sometimes I just want to kep talking, sometimes I feel like I'm too much on a pedestal and when I say something wrong everything is against me. 

Maybe that's why The Kills website is far less personal.

Sometimes you should just cut off ties and I've done that far too many times and I'm really tired, I'm really tired and sometimes you imagine love, just like Alison did, well, you think you do, but it's there and it's funny because this story puts Alison's queer identity as Alison's explanation why Jamie is not going for her, it's stupid, sexuality end up being labels, it's always people

And love is the strongest bond of all.

I've said that.

I'm sad to finish this story but I've been avoiding it long enough and I like leaving Alison's gender ambigious and with Callie coming out as androgynous does it even more fitting. In the end you just fall in love and sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it's not always sulking and listening to The Smiths (nudge at Callie) and originally the ending was without Alex and Alison moving out but I was like, Callie, you really want something happier and I just wrote what I told her happened later and I will miss this story, but eventually you have to let go of the past and I started writing this story when me and Callie went on a trip to London and well, yeah, I hope you enjoyed it and I'm still surprised that I chose Thom as Jamie's boyfriend and I still struggle every day on Jamie's sexuality and it makes me question, but in reality it's always the person, but labels are still well, labels, I use labels. 

Sometimes people don't love you back, sometimes you're the Alex and you wait for the Alison.

I hope you enjoyed it and well, there's more stories which are getting published and what not. I'm trying to keep one post a day, so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did,

one of the nicest comments I've ever gotten were always about this story and I hope the ending was fitting because the story was about Alison and Jamie falling apart. 

Thank you so much for your patience and love,



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