Thursday, 25 September 2014

Blue/Jacket 6

What if I were polyamorous as I wonder as me and Jamie walk hand in hand all the way back to Gamla Stan, passing through the stores and poster in Södermalm which was saying wish you were queer and Jamie smirked at it.
"You are queer, no more wishing."
"Fuck off." I smirk at him and we just keep strolling and he starts talking more about Brazil and I just keep listening wondering if I will ever be dragged there and how would it be. I close my eyes for a while, I wouldn’t be able to go in the water until I get top surgery. I always enjoyed swimming but then it started getting out of hand when people would point at my chest and I just gave up, realizing that baths were the best I would get with bubbles which would circulate around me.
I don’t know if either of us have anything else to do, but we depart anyway, as me and Jamie shuffle awkwardly, as he excuses that he promised to help Jack with something, which revealed that he lived with Jack and didn’t pay rent, just bought the groceries and Jack’s salary didn’t seem to be harmed by this regardless.
"Sorry I gotta go." And we both ghost over each other’s lips.
I’ve never even kissed another bloke fully out and it’s not even
It’s Jamie really, it’s that daft feeling when you meet someone and you don’t know them and you know there’s something which keeps both of your eyes lingering on each other.
"No worries. So call me, yeah?" I smile and Jamie nods, hands in pockets.
"Yeah." With no 9 to 5 job and no fixed schedule when do you do decide to meet? How do you keep your life intact still makes me wonder but it’s really the tasks you give yourself and the time keeping.
"I’ll see you, Miles." And he kisses my cheek, holding it and I lean in and it happens, I pull him closer, feeling him press against me as we each open our mouths and I hear a low moan before we break the kiss.
"Yeah, tomorrow." Shit. I pick up my mistake. "I mean, whenever."
"Nah, tomorrow’s cool." I breathe out as he says it, my fingertips and elbows pulsing. He slowly starts heading towards the escalator to the underground. Jamie turns around.
"C-" he drops the question as he blinks, shyly and just waves off, heading down and I watch him as he gets the card out and glances back at me, giving me a small wave.
He’s gorgeous once you get to know him.
The taste of his lips still electrifies me as I head off to Åhlens for no reason, walking past the makeup and I head up the escalators, Jamie’s tongue still leaving traces and his body heat still upon my hands.
I’m sure he’s gone by now.
I should meet the deadline. I cover my face with my hand, holding a laugh and a cry. He’s fucking gorgeous but this doesn’t explain Alex with his dreams.
I get a text postponing until later and I just approve Alex’s request, wondering if Jamie will still be lingering when I meet someone fated
But you never really know who is.

I think there’s this big wave of depression when you see people in university or school and I can’t help but wonder if I missed anything, in the beginning was it OK or is it better now with no schedule just deadlines and trying to get as much jobs and raise the rate and I can’t help but compare if I ever did something wrong, because people paint it glamourously when you say fuck to everything when all you do is wake up at twelve and neurotically plan your day because no one else does it for you, because we are programmed that time should be kept at bay, whether we want it or not.
I get some pick and mix downstairs overpriced for no reason, not eating it until Jamie’s taste fades entirely from my mouth and it makes me wonder if he’s holding his or if it’s already mixed with cigarettes and what would be on his mind. Are our lives that idle? Not choosing to go further to avoid hassle and isolate seemed to bring the worse in all my relatives. And it’s always against everything, binder off just to avoid questions and being vulnerable makes no difference binder on or off.
Who would love a transman? Or whatever the fuck you are? I wish the faces were blurred so that I wouldn’t notice what they were saying or how their lips spread, but I do. I see them, I see them yelling, I see them yelling and judging me how I shifted apartment through apartment until I ended up with Alex as my neighbor. 
I can’t help but wonder because those who judged me before who made me leave still judge me in my mind, you don’t recover quickly.

And walking by the System Bolaget which already has people rushing in it dawns on me, with his lips crashing on me-




I start trembling and the pick and mix nearly spills in my hands as I imagine Jamie’s hands wandering all over my body, do I even take off my binder? What would he see? What would his reaction be? He surely knows I own one, but the question still remains, I still have one and I -

Well, I’m bleeding for now and would he even want to?

Can I even get pregnant?

I should use condoms anyway and I head in to see all the people scattered in all sections in the pharmacy to remind ourselves that everyone is ill, everyone spends 200 kroner on something every week, let it be allergies or sleeping pills, everyone spends on something and I see the monopoly on condoms. I see how everything is the same, how the boxes are barely different, all offering the huge amount and choice.

Would I even need flavored?

When I was growing up I heard one of the girls I was friends with, when I would wear a sport bra, hair already chopped off and earrings removed for a brief while as she would say that you can only buy condoms if you are ready for sex.


I get the big mixed pack, guessing that the government monopolizes condoms and booze. Sex and alcohol. Drugs illegal and rock and roll is pretty much free. I pay with a shaking hand, opening the wallet, quickly dividing the sum by ten to calm myself down and I nod as I get asked the phrase which I learnt means if I want the check and I head out.

What if he doesn’t even want to have sex with me?

What about lube?

I anxiously start going back before I realize that I’ve had enough for one day-

What about a strap-on?



I always wondered if I wanted a packer and I only figured that I should end up wasting a bit less on paint and perhaps buy one for the time being, but for now I had nothing just the empty space in my jeans and boxers. 

Where did he even fall?

Was everyone a top and a vers?

I had a dildo. That was it. A vibrator. W-

I quickly take out my phone and I don’t even know what to Google and I just look at Jamie’s phone number. He could at least get the lube? What if I don’t want to bottom? I don’t have a penis now. All I have is a problematic vagina which was always dry which my mother would drag me to the gynecologist and I’d be told to just lube and lube up until I fucking read that I wasn’t the only transman who didn’t enjoy the front entrance. 

Fuck, I’m still on my period.

I get bumped into and I just nod, looking back to see all the people and trying to get back to the tunnelbanan to escape everything to see the landscape in the pendeltåg and tell myself that everything is ok.

But how is it ok when we all move to places because there is nothing else we can do? How is it ok that we can’t be who we want, that we are lied about the “non-existent” nine to five life and with people begging on the streets, the younger and more nationalities it just reminds me of an inner war with its own population and how everyone should be happy for every scrap or inch they get and even if the sky might not be seen, everything is enough to be thankful as I keep hearing more and more languages and I just close my eyes, to forget everything and knowing that we are all reduced to paperwork. We are all paperwork, because there’s so many and the human factor becomes the machine, the lost ticket becomes the error.

I dress up, tighten up for Alex

and it’s like when you’re young

I have a crush on said actor, but I love said classmate.

Would I love Alex?

Would I fuck Jamie?

In reality we hate our lives so much that we try to avoid them as much as possible, we create art as we watch movies of lives we will never take because our are concentrates of our own misery, a squash and there is no tap to dilute it and it becomes so unbearable that we lose our minds regardless of where we are and none of us are diagnosed with some hateful depression.
What if all the love is in my head and he became my Xanax to make myself believe that I can sleep, when I can do so on my own but he’s a way to make my bones not rot.
He exists in my head, but he never loves my skin.

And I say this holding the pack of mixed condoms in hand for Jamie.


I dunno I always have this I don't think I write enough trans characters or polyamorous couples, characters and I usually end up with a simple idea which then winds up with characters and someone being poly, like Alex in To Miles, so I dunno, I'll see how I'll juggle Alex, Miles and Jamie here. But either way, all is going according to the plot. 

I'm also really excited about this story and there's a scene which I am dying to write, but I write kind of as it goes, so it should take a while, but yeah, the condoms are bought. So I dunno it's also a bit intimidating because usually I go for cis sex so it's a bit less personal for me to write and even then it's more of let's see what Miles' preferences are just like any other character's and I'm really excited for that. I'm spoiling, but again like people have described me with disgust "oh, just writes about sex and death" and years on it's really the same thing, I always ponder on death because I believe in the afterlife, it's kind of hard when spirits are all around you and yeah and well, sex, I am very sexual and I've always made a point of writing it because I hate how sex is stashed even on tumblr there's this whole yelling "why can't things be less sexual????" well, they can, but can we also have sexual? And dunno in general I've been in odd moods, I've been sleeping awfully and everything. But I wanted this out because I guess besides story-wise I love that it's trans and gay and poly touching, so yeah, fuck this, I am trying to fucking shed light on us, so yeah

I miss Stockholm and it's odd because no matter with who you start talking about Stockholm you always talk about how impossible it is to rent. So yeah, I really miss it, but isolation is awfully nice as well and yeah.

Again, they I wish you were Queer was a poster in a second hand store in Södermalm which was lovely to be honest and I've got a photo of me in front of it. I miss Stockholm, it kind of became my home since my home was taken away from me.

I was watching this interesting Jamie interview which I haven't seen or forgot where he talks about England and well, it was nice to hear, I dunno I've been quoting him a lot, so yeah, it's a different England in your head and what it actually is, in the end I was there for the feeling like Renton and breaking free, that's why I always liked Leith and Ocean Terminal, it's weird that it's been much over a year and well, things just happen and the world is going bonkers

I had my fair share of questioning about swimming because I pretty much just have bikinis and when you just come out you just run around wondering where the fuck does your dysphoria end and frankly you do and there was this amazing novel I read called Trumpet and I always think of it regarding water and trans people, I think the novel was an eye opener for me and Callie. 

And it's funny for me to think that I've never really been with a bloke as a bloke, I've tried as a female and it was awful and disastrous. 

And yeah, I dunno I think I say everything I want in the stories, it's fucking odd when you have to plan the day yourself, like now it's 5 am and I'm posting a new chapter just because I want visibility and I want this chapter which I've written ages ago out. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and yeah, my depression is going bonkers 

So leave me a comment if you enjoyed it or if you want to talk about the story, dunno, I enjoy doing so, really, my mood is all over the place

and yeah

anyway, thank you for reading and loving



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