Love -
I forget my own words, as I feel him stroking my cheek and I wonder where are we.
I can’t even recall what I had just called love, as I feel his lips against my own, not demanding a kiss, just waking me up, slowly lifting me from the water I had been dunked into, as the last drops fall from my fingertips. And I wake up with anxiety, opening my eyes just to feel Jamie’s hand on my cheek as I see that I am still in the ship, only in the doctor’s office and I wonder how long had I been passed out-
And Miles’ kiss is upon my lips as I keep observing him, trying to figure out what is it that I had been thinking and he kisses me again-
“Al, rest up, love.” My mouth is dry and I wonder what else has he to say, but instead I just feel tired again and I think it’s some medication and I fall asleep with the thought of him carrying me and it’s the only time something tender in public is dismissed as the actual care he gives to me, my legs tangle among themselves.
I try to remember many things, when my legs aren’t tangled with Jamie’s and we don’t wake up in odd positions or Jamie entirely curled up against me, but the first time we had fallen asleep together, opening our eyes briefly just to lock, having that one second of bliss before we’d realize how the whole thing started. Jamie’s arm is stretched to touch mine, as he’s asleep on the floor, head near my hip, hat off and on the chair as well as his suit.
I sit up, softly, shuddering lightly at how the whole thing started and how mechanic our first times were until I feel that I was getting attracted to death and I just go through his hair slowly, not seeing any gray hairs yet.
Is he the devil when he had just been dancing with one the whole time, hypnotized and lost? Does that justify his actions? I cough lightly, as he slowly stirs and I’m still caught lost, because I love him and -
I’ve forgiven him, but my own guilt still eats me. We kiss.
I never want to doubt you again, I pray.
“I’m sorry.” His fingers stroke my cheek. I gulp and I get pale, I feel sick again. I clench my fists and Jamie notices it and just watches me.
“N-no, it’s fine.” We’re in the circle again. I feel far too anxious as I watch him, all my blood gushing all over and I want to kiss him all of a sudden.
“I just feel... We started from the wrong foot, really and I feel awful about it. I’m not... excusing myself. I just... I shouldn’t have and I really kept seeing you as Miles for a while, I tried and it didn’t work.” Jamie pauses. “I just want you to get better.”
He continues.
“I forced you into this-”
“I fucking started coming around yours because I fucking loved and love you.” Jamie abrubtly looks at me in the eye and just shrugs, pulling me closer as I kiss the top of his head. I shrug as well, pulling him closer. “I just... felt like I could always go to yours. The only difference now is that I’m always at yours, love.”
We both smirk, far too young for our reactions.
“I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“I always tell you if you’re too rough during sex.”
“Fuck off, Turner.”
“I do.”
“Yeah, well, you bite too hard too, then.”
Jamie comes in my dreams far too often usually, so much that I don’t even recall both of us falling asleep again. And that’s when I dream, feeling my real self, shift in the sleep, that he kisses Miles and I’m not even sure who is even kissing Miles anymore and that’s when jealousy of my own actions seems to burn me.
Maybe it’s always me trying to have those who I shouldn’t be with?
They’re both in front of me and Matt is eating apples, watching all three of us and we all hold hands, something which would never happen-
But I’ve kissed Miles again, with winter stroking the back of my neck, a long lost lover and some emotions I’ve been granted which I’ve never wanted
I always wondered if it’s even able to love more than one man-
when I didn’t even accept back in school, that you could even love one.
Everything is a goddamn blur that I can’t deferentiate Jamie’s voice from the hissings and I wake up to Miles holding my hand, as Jamie just stands there near the door, glaring at Miles’ back of the head as he softens looking at me before I glance at Miles.
“Fuuuck...” And it’s dismissed as my headache. Someone knocks on the door, someone far too short and it takes me a moment to register it’s Brian who waves Jamie out and he quickly apologizes and leaves. Neither would I want to share an intimate moment with him in front of Miles.
"With Hince being here all the time, I’m sure everyone thinks that you’re fucking, at least they should." Miles breaks my sleep and it’s what he greets me with and I just blink at him, holding my pause, trying to wake so that I could punch him in the face.
"Yeah well everyone’s bumming. You should know that.” I snarl, my head far too foggy and hunger seems to be upon me. I’m not even sure what I have and what may I even eat right now.
"So he’s your boyfriend now?" Miles kisses my forehead and I grunt.
"How about you just get Hince?" I mutter not thinking, wanting him to come back regardless of what Brian needs him for and I slowly start hearing voice approaching.
"And tell him you went back to his ex?" He smirks, a bit too darkly. "You made out with me Al, conscious or not, you cheated on Hince who is cheating on his wife with you. Great couple. Thing about it, actually you two seem to deserve each other."
I feel like a ping pong ball where back when Jamie said I was like Miles and now it’s the opposite, the blame childish but the reasons far deeper than a fucking sandbox.
He stands up, keeping his dark eyes fixed on me, as he pauses for a while before the door opens to have a bunch of men get inside, all of them talking of something and I just feel intimidated that I nearly pull the covers over me and I feel far too naked with all the sailors looking at me and Miles pressing himself against the wall opposite me, keeping his glare more than visible.
“See, sailors? This is what the homosexuals did to poor Turner, he had to fight for his life!”
“Why the fuck...” Pause. I hear Thom’s voice and I see Jonny quickly elbow him, as the loader just clears his throat, quickly glancing at me in confusion. I hear Carlos snicker in the back and wink at me. “Was Turner in the orgy, Sir?”
“He was going to mop the decks there and the poor man fainted because his morals are higher than those of the demons below us.” What the fuck. I try to catch Jamie’s eyes and I see a small smile before he turns back to the sailors and puts his hand on my shoulder. Soothing, yet a bit too personal but Hince’s always gone away with it. “Observe my dear boys and men, this is what happens if you get too close, your eyes shut your brain off and cleanse, cleanse just like your body would fight any virus.”
“And watch your mouth sailor, as those lips may also be contaminated.” He walks up to Thom and points at him. I hold from rolling my eyes as Miles just keeps watching me.
Eventually everyone leaves, mumbling what nonsense it was, but Jamie ignores them as I am slowly drifting back to sleep and I’m not even sure, anxiety pulling me apart and threading as I slowly see Matt in my dreams, but I wake to have Jamie’s fingers threading my hair. I try to sit up and I am greeted by Miles, who never left in the first place.
“How the fuck did you guys even start dating?” Miles glances at both of us and he doesn’t give us a pause. “Alex would come back late at night, all so distressed-”
My vision starts shaking and moving sideways, my sleep should’ve been far more extended. All of a sudden I get a flash of all the bottled fear when Jamie kissed me for the first time, pressed against the door and Jamie’s hand goes back to my shoulder, squeezing it. I feel his nails and I look up as Miles looks at us, confused
I want to vomit-
I sit up, nearly pushing Jamie’s hand off me and it’s a sudden gesture and Jamie flinches, taking the hand with him.
“Was it some really bad sex? Can’t shag anyone these days, Jamie-”
And then I feel everything rising within me-
And I feel his harsh touch, how he had went inside me and I quickly glance at him, feeling the need to glue two images together and I can’t even hear Jamie’s reply as Miles’ face falls in realization after the two throw insults at each other and everything is moving, everything is shattering-
He had raped me. It happened. More than once.
Miles tries to choose the words, before Jamie covers it up with lies, when it had happened
I want to puke.
“You fucking raped Alex?” I stand up and nearly throw up, my body shivering and all of a sudden I start crying, I feel Jamie’s hands pulling me closer to him
Is this all falling in love with someone who at least notices you at any cost? I clutch the sink, the need gone and I keep sobbing as I feel Miles’ stare and I hear him head up to Hince.
No one was there-
He was there
No one was there
“No one was there, Miles.” My voice trembles and I look at him.
“No one was there. You avoided me. Pete and Carl’s deaths were my fault. Frankly I’d rather be with Hince who raped me than someone who lied to me and decided that my sins were worse than theirs.” I get the urge again and I trace my nails on the mirror, as I feel Jamie’s shaking fingers against my neck and I start crying even harder.
Why does Miles need to hear this.
“You both are fucked with your cleansing queers agenda, you faggots. You’ve been fucking more than this ship ever had. Only guess what, we all did it consensually. Congrats, Hince.” And he leaves as I start bawling, Jamie keeping his silence and holding me tighter. I bite his shoulder to muffle myself. He puts me back on the bed as I clutch his suit tighter, feeling my body start dissolving in pain, my chest getting heavier and I just feel Jamie’s kisses on me, trying to ease and he just holds me, apologizing again and again.
Is it far too ironic that I fell in love with him?
I wondered at night, before falling asleep when my thoughts and presence was too far away, why was I attracted to him and I just saw it as poison to show up at his doorstep, I kept telling myself that we were each other’s out of misery but not love and how much can guilt shield if you do love?
I keep falling asleep with Jamie’s fingers trailing on my face until both of our breaths even up and he’s asleep sitting next to me and in the sleep I feel him pull me even closer.
I think fever hits me as I sleep, too many bright colours and the dreams far too realistic and I see Jamie only his hair is fully gray and he’s drinking juice from a white cup, watching me as I feel much younger with meeting Matt and they’re both older and I wonder as I see Alison shuffling cards again and telling me that the death is upon my hands
“Sometimes the bad predicted things don’t happen” and she smiles widely, exposing her teeth and they all seemed crooked as I start checking my teeth with my fingers and I feel Jamie groan in his sleep, tightening his grip on me and I stir awake to raise myself lightly, see Jamie in the dark and put myself back on the pillow, feeling the odd dream yank me back in
And I miss Matt, he looks the same and he’s swinging on the swings, grinning at me even wider, as I feel my throat get pierced with pain, his fingers threading through my skin and I imagine both him and Jamie kissing over me as if I were a corpse. I stir in my sleep and when I wake in the morning my temperature is already measured and my coughing gets worse, my whole body aching as I get told that I have pneumonia and I wonder where the fuck did I even catch it as Jamie keeps dragging me tea and checks with the doctor that all the medicine is in place. Nostalgia washes over me whenever my eyes are closed as I recall the small stores where me and Matt would slip in and look at the toys, knowing how far Christmas would be
When fever reaches me even stronger, Matt writes me another letter and Jamie reads it out to me as I lose the count of days and guilt for blaming me and Jamie, Miles who never approaches
I keep coughing, the fever still holding and twirling me
I always wondered if Jamie would be the devil with how he had lured me in, how he had kissed me and how sex shifted from love and back, how the rape seemed to keep following me and how my morals seemed to be asking myself what the fuck was even wrong and right, how clingy had I been and was it because Miles had asked it
and Miles was nowhere and Matt’s letter had to be reread.
“I... I didn’t read your poem.” I mutter when the fever is still upon me and all the words don’t seem to make sense besides a few kisses which I feel from Jamie and I keep falling and sometimes when you get too ill
you start wondering
when do you actually die
and if you have enough acceptance for death to use the guillotine.
I wake up from my own scream as Jamie shudders already awake and I keep coughing, my whole body cold and I try to reason how much time had passed.
I want to see Matt.
I’m scared of my own decisions.
I love Jamie too much.
“I kissed Miles.” My lips trembling and Jamie presses a cup with water against my mouth. I shake it away, my fingers trembling.
“I’m scared. I love you. I love you
I love you
I love you
”
I feel his fingers against my cheek I try to concentrate on my words and they are his, I just hear something soothing and I think of Alison and she’s pregnant, isn’t she?
Fuck.
If I were Jamie I’d slap myself into sense, I’d tell my body to wake and actually intake all the medicine given and actually give myself some slack to find solitude in Jamie’s bed
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t loved him at all, because all I feel is the judgement.
Miles didn’t go for him, Matt will never be with a man
And there’s just the two of us left
Maybe that’s why we’re left and I feel myself speaking, not hearing my own words as Jamie keeps talking, telling me it’s ok and I smile. I pull him closer, my whole body shaking,
“I love you”
“I love you too.” He lays me to sleep, his hand in my hair as usual, checking my temperature and waking for medicine and early in the morning when I feel a bit better he pulls me into a shower, when my head buzzes less and my coughing isn’t as shattering, he helps me shower and I watch him, smiling, missing his naked touch and he just rolls his eyes at me as I check him out as if it were for the first time.
“It’s our first shower.”
“Of many, give me your arm, Turner.”
-
It's not that it's awful to write, my depression had been going bonkers on me lately and I came back to herbal medicine (to find that the main pharmacy doesn't have the herbal meds in stock, so I'll have the joy of searching around tomorrow xD). I dunno, it's just that it's hard and people don't speak of depression much. Sometimes it gets fucking hard, I don't realize it until I look back, but I've written so fucking much and I feel like I haven't written enough at all times, when I finished three short novels and picked them back up (Fiji, Close and -). I'm in this odd mood of picking up older stuff and giving it a push and finishing if it's near, like Close for instance. I was thinking to publish it today, but I decided on To Miles instead because it's been a while and I'm sorry for that.
I'm really surprised and happy on all the feedback I've been getting and my depression keeps muting it out, telling me that it's not good enough which gets to me heavily, so yeah. But I've grown so attached to the story and I honestly love it. And yeah, I'm sorry that it's not really a full blown milex and it ended up being much more complex and Jamie's character stole a lot for himself and he and Al ended up having a relationship which was never plotted and to be honest when it started I was like, ok, fuck yeah, it'll all lead up to this great scene and then fucking Hince and Al confess and that scene was chucked out along with the ending. Everything was chucked out with adjustments. I like how it is more now, I'm really happy to discuss stories and then I think about the stories much more, like why exactly did this happen, like Hince's confession was born because Callie straight up told me she didn't like him and I was like, what the fuck, he loves Alex, he's fucked in the head, but you're really missing the bigger picture.
And me and Callie had discussed the ending previously and originally it was still quite sad and now it's actually much more… cheerful if you must. Which is really weird because not much changed, the ending is pretty much the same but the feeling of it and setting, I guess.
I'm literally faced with the fact that I ended up fast pacing the story and now I have to move some scenes much before the story because I ended up thinking I could historically take some events and push them earlier, but yeah, that just doesn't happen xD
So yeah, I was like Callie, how long can I stretch Alex's pneumonia but the thing about To Miles the things which I think are filler end up being important, like as odd as it is to say now but Alex's memories of Matt were nearly filler but they're not.
I always struggle because I think like Al, because their relationship still started off from rape and that I think is something I'm not sure if I covered properly and I might sometimes defend Hince a bit too much, but it's not something he would be left off the hook, but Hince was never intended to be a light character after a while.
And I guess this is where I was like "fuck yes, I should do this" when Miles confront about the rape. It was one of those moments. I have them with Miles, like making him Alison's brother, it's like 'oh, shit, that's so fucked up, I'll do it, I though of it, first thought first on paper and left there'. I don't draft maybe while I'm writing the chapter I might go a bit up and write an extra line or phrase, but that's it.
Jamie's confrontation scene to the sailors was planned as soon as the orgy was written and thought of. Actually both were quite old ideas xD
I don't think I ever have as much fun as writing Jamie's wonderful speeches.
I don't know why Miles is such an asshole anymore. I think things really influence you in life and Miles started going downhill when things were going down with my ex and well, I had a pretty nasty realization of someone I guess I thought pure as Miles was seen to Alex. You fuck up, because someone else did. And I guess that still clung onto Miles even if his story is enormous and he's still in Alex's thoughts and Alex is still attracted, which is something I have to fish out, the belief that an asshole would change, because Alex is in a mindset I was months and months ago xD now, I'm more concerned with how the fuck do I make this new thing work, so yeah. But you still dip in your past to write off the misfortune and whatnot.
I never had pneumonia, Callie did and usually when I get very ill, I just feel awful and I think I'll die, so Callie reassured me that she was like Alex when she had pneumonia with the whole odd sense, hallucinations and coughing.
I wrote this chapter yesterday under such anxiety that I'm surprised I managed, I was terrified that it's been ages because I've been writing so many different stuff and in general my anxiety is being awful with my depression.
I think my favorite part of this chapter which me and Callie even quote is that the hand on Alex's arm is personal, but somehow Hince somehow gets away with it.
And depression sucks and I dunno, I doubt myself too much, but when I do, I just recall that I managed to do a character like Captain Hince and I get some faith in myself, because he is one of the best characters I've created. And I hope is loved as much as I love him, so yeah.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please tell me if you did, as well, my mind is going bonkers, so yeah
Thank you for all your support and love, I never expected to be loved so
<3
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