He tries to choke me with a pillow, as I burst out laughing.
One week until Valentine’s now and my heart shrivels up with lonely fear, as the Jamie admirer should reveal it’s rose and fedora as I say that to Jamie, bursting out in laughter and jealous that he’ll be the one to lose his virginity first to a guy, though, so ew. And Jamie gets a second Valentine, hinting that it’s someone taller than Jamie, which he scowls is unfair coz he falls under the very short kind compared to the rest.
That night I dream that someone made a prank and did it under my name and Jamie shrugged, saying he knew it and I woke up with the same surprised face plastered on me as I called Jamie and told him that, whilst getting ready. He took the piss and told me he knew that already and I told him to piss off, because if it were me I’d at least try to get one of the gay valentine’s instead of a usual. Jamie took my point.
I get anxious closer to the date and I realize how I’ll be alone without my gay best friend, he’ll be without his best lesbian friend, but I don’t think his loss is as big as mine.
We enter the last topic in Biology, the class which had been behind until now and some sighs are held all over the class, Jamie doodling on corners of his notebook and I’m nowhere near with anyone, I had gotten drunk once with Jamie and I wonder if my years are slipping through me and I get scared that I hadn’t dated anyone, before it was just me and Jamie awkwardly shuffling and fighting which movie to even watch if we’d have sleepovers, none’s parents minding and even suggesting condoms, which Jamie would use as balloons and throw them after filling with water and our screams seemed like rough sex to all relatives. Even if we’ve never even held hands.
Is that what it all boils down to?
I’ll be left alone.
It seemed lonelier with Jamie’s green eyes hazing out entirely, wondering and asking me what did I think and who did I think it would be, Jamie scanning all the hallways.
Did that mean that my high school time was desperately missed out?
Watching lists getting passed around with yearbooks, what people have done and what should people do were making me feel even worse.
A sleepover under Jamie’s glow in the dark stars made me realize that soon enough I won’t be with him under the blankets and I glanced at him.
Jamie slows starts to fall asleep, the light still on and it terrifies me that he’d leave me, just as soon as my seat is taken and then I’ll have no one else to ever cling to as much as I’ve clung onto him.
“Jamie.” I need him awake.
I lean closer and I’m above him, as he stirs and opens his eyes sleepily, mumbling something under his breath.
If he’s my best friend, why wouldn’t I?
My breath leaves my lungs and I want to cling onto his. He looks at me alert and I can’t let myself even do anything. He opens his mouth to yawn and covers his mouth.
“Sorry.” He apologizes and looks up at the stars.
What if what I’m looking for isn't someone else
What if you should kiss your best friend like that list said, but then I wouldn’t want to laugh about it
“Alison, it’s ok, I’ll feel flattered.” I glare at him and move back to my side. Instead he just hugs me from behind and it’s the first time we sleep curled up to a smile of Jamie’s mom as she announces breakfast as we untangle ourselves from each other and I ignore Jamie’s morning wood, as he lies it off as I dress up with his eyes closed, not even doing my usual jokes about anything and Jamie keeps his silence, us bumping as we try to exit at the same time through the doorway.
I've been having I guess a 20 year old crisis, August is getting to me because everything crashed a year ago and sometimes I just feel like I had my life stolen away from me and to be honest, I know I should be proud of myself, but I'm not because to be honest, I just started working and paying rent by myself because there was no other choice. I'm trans and gay, I just needed to do everything myself with Callie on me. I literally had no choice, so I never really think myself of heroic, because this isn't like I flipped everything and did everything myself. Yeah, I refused to even try anything again with the UK but that's because I crawled out with a cancer scare, PTSD and severe depression and anxiety disorder. I just had no choice.
And that gets to me, because just because I happened to be born elsewhere and I happen to be gay and trans that was a reason for a government to fuck me up entirely and to a horrid extent. And people still don't get it, I still see people going all oh, the UK is so lovely, it's like you cunt, you talk to me, I fucking told you what the fuck happened and nothing, you cry about how you want to see the UK. But naw, let's bash countries just because the media tells us to. Anyway and focus from what is actually happening in the world.
So I don't know, can you praise someone for solely surviving when there was no other choice?
That's what I don't know, I'd praise anyone but not myself, but then that's how depression falls. And that was the topic in all my writing sessions today (I wrote some Blue/Jacket because Miles is also a freelancer there), like the whole feeling that everything is stolen. Because let's face it, it is.
Anyway, I also came across this interesting post, which caught my eye and also triggered my depression because I just got reminded that I had to grow up far too fast and make a living wage and whatnot. And not getting patted on the back gets to me, it always gets to you. Instead I get scolding that I should make more. It gets to me far too much.
The post is this: the list I found
I wrote this chapter in two sittings (sorry I guess I just vent with what is going on these days and I guess what's going on in my head helps with the mood of the story, I guess, I dunno, I've always written backstories and people enjoy them, so that makes me happy).
I think it's quite obvious one of the themes of the story, but I really like Callie's explanation whenever she gets asked about dating me, that your sexuality is like your favourite pasta, but if you come across a great lasagna, you'll go for that. So yeah xD Callie's Italian by blood and she's quite proud of it, which is always lovely. It's funny how you sometimes cling onto your heritage from while to while. I've been dunking kefir far too often and Callie gets recipes from different cuisines.
So basically you always get the straight who ends up being gay, but in reality sexuality is far more complex or accepting. I may be more on my male side and be solely attracted to males, but that doesn't change my love for Callie and neither does it her's. So I guess, I just wanted to show that side, even if it's a weird feeling for Alison right now. Sexuality is much more complex and you just fall for people.
I was quite interested in the whole kiss your best friend from the list and I already knew where I was going with Jamie and Alison, but Alison getting that list on her hands seemed interesting and I had used it.
I'm thankful that there's this post saying that it's bullshit that your lover can't be your friend on tumblr, oh where was that post when I needed it, but alas, I don't give a shit anymore. I'm just being angsty coz I seem to be getting in discussions with people regarding break-up causes, oh well.
So in the end you do go for that close friend and I guess that's crossing Alison's mind these days. And I don't think it matters which sexuality you are you still ship Alison and Jamie. I might not ship them at their current state, but I'll still cry and wish they were back when I watch I Hate The Way You Love. We all keep fantasizing about them, like Alison said, it's a beautiful thing.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please do tell, as it's been hard these days and either way, the fact that you enjoyed it is better than anything, as I do enjoy this and yeah, knowing that I might help anyone makes it amazing form my end as well
let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 4