Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Close 6

“Am I your lover?” Jamie asks me when Archie is asleep and the plan is still unfolding in his eyes and I just crook my head in confusion, watching him, the petals of love still stroking my face. I hold my silence in my hands, letting himself talk, as if I were nothing yet a small cigarette companion, to be discarded with all the thoughts and just the taste and soothing sense within. “It’s a funny word, lover.”

He glances at me.

He pets me as if I were Archie. Jamie pulls the covers over him as we are parted with two beds tonight and Archie on the floor, smuggled inside a plastic bag, as he would ruffle his way out but the night took its hours on the concierge. 

I keep watching him, with the light still on so that when I drift off I’ll see him still tense in his sleep, yet shift closer to me, so that when I’m sure he’s asleep I push my bed closer to him and I watch him for a long while,

“Falling in love is a funny thing...” Jamie had told me maybe on the last hours of the day he had confessed that he loved me, with a wine smile. “Because you don’t remember when you fell in love, but you remember the first time you were shy to say it outloud or to yourself.”

He paused.

“To yourself.”

The morning becomes yolk, as Jamie wakes me up with breakfast in bed, flicking through the newspaper I’m guessing he had stolen earlier in the morning, I had stayed awake for a long while watching him and I still do, as he pretends to be interested in the article and I push the paper down, putting myself on fours in front of him as I kiss him, he kisses back and we watch each other-

I see love.

It’s enough to be reflected in both eyes and I shrug as we go back to our silent breakfast with chewing and a random bark from Archie, who might’ve realized he’s at the wrong place. 

But I get scared what if love isn’t infinite, what if it doesn’t travel all over the universe, covering it’s surface, what if eventually it hits something and it bounces back, hitting me and it does me nothing because I love him already?

And I flinch at the memory of the dreams of some fish shop with the fisher slicing the struggling fish on the top, slicing it open, tail already chopped off and I’d glance around to feel some awe of something dead and moving. And this absurdism graced me this morning before Jamie had picked up the paper and I keep looking at him, as he asks me if I’m ok, gently touching my cheek with his thumb. 

I look at him, at his combed back hair and how he looks as if it’s the first time we’ve ever decided to thread hands with robbery. He had looked striking and there was something always eternal about him, something which defied him, which didn’t seem to be explainable elsewhere regardless where he was, he seemed to be off, a bit too picturesque for reality. I didn’t understand why could I describe his beauty, which seemed very off when you saw him first then it was as if he had pulled your cheek and caught your attention, grinning, walking, pockets full of whatever small things were acquired illegally that day. Jamie was something like that, even failing to obtain a proper description. 


The next chapter is actually the last chapter of Close, a few days ago I just felt tempted to write it and I've been getting really anxious about the fact that I've got a lot of stories running and I felt bad that due to the huge amount of stories it takes a while for them to get updated, so yeah. I guess I just have a lot of guilt for everything really xD ah, depression

So yeah, I had Satellite the whole day in my head and I really love that song and video and I think I nearly cried when I saw it live, so yeah. 

I have odd dreams in my life and one of the them was the fisher shop and in general dreams are quite weird I guess, when in my case they tend to tell stuff which is going to happen and I guess I use weird dreams for stories

I guess because I finished the story I'm quite sad to see this love-filled chapter really :)

Please tell me if you have enjoyed the story so far and I have a bunch of chapters of everything written and even a new story, so keep checking each day as something should be posted every day now and I do hope you'll enjoy the ending

Tell me if you enjoyed it as well, every comment means a lot to me because I've just been quite down and yeah, I'm just happy that people approach me and say that I mean a lot to them because it's really two-sided, I'm always happy to help and listen and give whatever my mind and my experiences have to offer because well, you don't get a lot of queer authors these days who actually bother to write queer experiences accurately and um, I guess I just try my best really

thank you



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