To Miles 21

I feel like I’ve got a gun pressed to me head and I feel the steel, but when I open my eyes all I see is Matt’s curious eyes and I shoot, not to miss, they should really make a rule not to let us shoot stuff and we get friendly reminded that once you win a prize, you get the fuck out. I hand Matt the teddy bear as he smirks and squeezes it so that it has an even more beaten up face, some twisted irony since we’re close to war,

I try to shrug the thoughts off. There’s too many. I don’t even know what to say, so I ask the obvious, hoping that once I start, it’ll be easier.

“I didn’t see your carrier, actually any carrier.” I smile. It’s hard to ignore weapon focus. 

“Oh. I just had to fly here, pretty much. Staying at the NAS for a few days.” I can’t help but hold my smile and I feel guilty that I had agreed to spend my day with Julian and we have even made out in the cinema and it’s funny how back then I was content with his lips on my own and now with Matt in front of me in flesh, my mind is playing tricks on me as we just wait for Julian and my mind keeps racing, I have no idea how well can Julian keep things up his sleeve and if I should buy him cotton candy, like a schoolboy covering up his crush. 

In the end the younger sailor joins us with a big grin and nods at the teddy bears we had won, Matt had his teddy tucked into the hem of his shirt, something peculiarly criminal now seeming out of that bear as I just held mine. It doesn’t take him long to stand in the queue to earn his own and I think both me and Matt feel bad for keeping ours, but I offer mine when he’s halfway through the queue as Matt seems to be distracted with his cigarette box. He offers all of us one. We’re far too silent, maybe he’s curious if I had gotten the job after all, I’m not sure he’s gotten my letter. Actually, I’m sure he hasn’t.

“Did you get the job?” His breath is on my ear in a soft whisper as Julian aims to shoot and just as I nod to give a sour smile, wondering what had I gained from it, Juju turns around to try and wonder what was my nod about. He also gets the same teddy bear and I feel guilty that I want to tell Matt about Miles, how I had sent off five people already and I still needed to do so today. I glance at Matt, wondering if he would be able to, but before any of us open our mouth, Julian grins at both of us.

“You sure you guys don’t want to hang around by yourselves, I mean, Miles is pretty much sulking coz I’m sure Carlos headed off somewhere, so I could just join up with him if you wanted later-”

“No.” I say before my mind even thinks, which startles everyone and I look at Matt’s curious eyes, I always get anxious about the men or boys I’ve had a crush on, so he holds his smirk to himself, slowly dragging the cigarette. Julian takes it as me just wanting to spend my time with Matt. Eventually he leaves, waving off, but getting some last ride, but I feel myself anxious from talking about Miles, someone who has confessed to love me and taken it back and someone who I really want to say those words. I try to push them away, but the feelings I feel can be intertwined and be seen as similar, but it’s pretty much who I know better and who I believe I love more. Matt looks around to see that it’s pretty crowded just to confirm his thoughts and I hope get an excuse to lock eyes with me. 

“A bit too crowded.” He pauses for a second. “I haven’t really been here before, do you know a quiet place?” 

I think for a while, wondering and the best thing I can think of the closed Ferris wheel which makes me wonder if it’s hot inside and the thought of taking Matt’s shirt comes to me, but I just treasure it for a moment, because I’ve seen him naked enough to feast my fantasies. 

“I’m guessing the ferris wheel.” I really hold myself from talking and he pats me on the head.

“Hold a bit, Al. But in general how is it?” I light my own cigarette and I try to avoid his curious gaze, looking at the end of the cigarette, as we stand in queue, I already start talking to myself about everything and I’ve got Hince’s hands on my throat, how fear just escapes me when he touches me, how I know I can’t do anything, so I give in and how the thought of drinking wine with him seemed soothing when Miles had dumped me. It’s bizarre how the worst things come to mind, everything seems ok and when we board, I even ignore Matt for a while, avoiding his eyes and I wonder if I could do it again, just to press my lips against his, for a bizarre moment I feel like if I do so, if I actually do so, I’ll be ok, that I’ll forget whatever will follow, I feel like collapsing and that’s when Matt sits besides me as I tip my head down further, closing my eyes.

“How bad is it?” I feel the layered concern in his voice, how complicated it is and I open one eye and maybe it’s comforting, but I’ve still got fear. I speak it out, in one sentence.

“I sent off five people to jail.” It kills my own throat and I expect Matt to react, but all I can hold onto is his words that I’ll get to shag men and that he’s looking forward to hearing the stories and how we had departed not looking at each other and I wish I was on a carrier again, watching Matt buzz the tower and how I’d wait for him outside, rolling my eyes at him and we’d just sit on the deck talking or playing some bizarre card game we’d pick up onshore, betting money, but it would end up circulating among each other, so you never really lost and that’s how it had always been. My pocket money was his and vice versa, whoever got less the month for the bad grades would treat the other for the milkshake. Maybe I was too hung onto Matt, I honestly don’t know, but when he smiled at me and pulled me closer into a hug, I feel myself tense up and tear swell up my eyes.

I had lost Miles.

And I started weeping.

“It’s not your fault. I’d do the same thing, Al, I honestly would. Maybe you’re right maybe fucking lads isn’t too bad.” He laughs, but I still pick it up, promising to mock him later. 

Maybe that’s why I like pilots, they’ve got this exterior, keeping the soft bit for those who matter and I guess

I matter.

I always did to Matt, but I hold, I struggle without kissing him, without letting myself loose,

I have to many threads which I think point at him liking me, but I’m scared, I don’t, it’s the frozen throat which holds me from talking. I can’t.

It’s different in his arms, he’s much stronger, something I’ve liked since I’m still a bit wimpy even if me and Matt would do roughly the same workout, I’d sulk and he’d get the muscles but I guess whenever he’d hug me for some random reason, I’d forget and let my head rest against his shoulder, holding myself from tilting my head up and kissing the skin on his neck.

I hold him even tighter, but he doesn’t move and my tears have dried up, so I lean back to see Matt trying to smile, guilt plastered on his face.

“Tell me.”

I don’t know where to start and I want to avoid Miles, even if he’s the beginning with the dancefloor, the promise to try and get me, the one time we had sex in the orlop and I wonder what if I had kept pushing it off, what then? We would have never had sex then? I’d never feel him inside me, I’d never have his body sweat against my own, I’d never breathe out that I love him and feel the answer as it would be sold to the air. 

I loved

I love

I love Miles, but

I don’t know.

But my tears are dried and I don’t know all I know is

I glance at Matt’s lips, I think he’s used by now, he just keeps focused on my eyes. 

He’s slowly driving me insane, with desire, not knowing maybe so used that every action I do is portrayed as usual and it takes me some effort not to break and even if I do kiss, I’m concerned that it might be taken as something usual from my side. 

I was missing him and the longing was killing me, it was making me fall in love with Matt again, but it’s like a seesaw sometimes I’m down and I forget about him but then I see him at certain days, it’s again a roll of dice, and I remember my love

Or sometimes he comes to my thoughts alone and it’s Matt all over again.

I light a cigarette and we stop on the top and I turn around to look out to see the ships in the distance, the sea glittering and playing with the long days ahead. I wonder how much blood does it take to stain the sea, would all of us be enough and if so who would watch it? Maybe Hitler since he’s so fucking eager. 

I don’t want to tell him that I’ve had Hince’s body all over me and his cigarette stained kisses all upon me and I keep coming back to them, maybe getting used to the imagery as now I’m his new fuck buddy. Getting so used to the imager that I won’t shiver when reality dunks me deep in so that I can’t breathe, I’ll have the thoughts and memories of air as I get intoxicated, blood clotting up.

“I sent off five men. Two were a couple.” I get the cigarette box to offer him a new cigarette and he does take it and I do. He keeps his silence and I feel myself uncomfortable. How do you confess to one man that you love another as well?

“Yeah, I get to fuck men, but... it’s different. I’m really sending them off.”

“So that you won’t get sent off, Al.” Matt smirks darkly. “You’ll have to kill people soon if this insane war continues, you’re... just sending them off to jail. See it that way. Sure, they’re on our side, but you’ll kill the Captain if you have to.”

I watch him, feeling a bit slapped into consciousness as some guilt manages to dust itself off my shoulders, but I’ve still got the fear stuck firmly onto my tongue and I look at Matt, fear pinning me against the other side and we watch each other for a while, not even smoking, just watching each other and we get off the wheel eventually. I feel him pat my back and I just ask myself why can’t he put his arm around my shoulders, a small hug, why can’t we buy a hotel room for the night and fuck? We head out of the fair and I don’t question it. 

I don’t even know what I’m irritated at. 

“Are you sleeping with Julian, too?” Matt smiles at me. I blink. “Is he the keeper?”

I just shake my head, feeling guilty for my intentions for the younger sailor.

“No.” I feel my mouth go dry. “I was thinking to send him off, maybe even tonight.”

Matt just blinks at me, a small silence, I’m guessing the same silence we all have for a distant dead person. It’s shocking how much we actually don’t care, we just care about ourselves and the lovers we own. 

“Well... If you sent me off, I’d understand Al, honestly. I’d question why me, but more like why me specifically, but I wouldn’t even judge you for going with it.” Matt admits as we head into a small diner, thankfully not too crowded, but I’m sure my tongue will untangle itself and we will talk in a whisper as usual, when I’d prefer talking to him post-sex my tension shaken off a little and bliss playing all over my body as I’d either be staring at him or avoiding him shy over the fact that I’ve touched him how I’ve always wanted to. Ee get two menus and he instantly opens the last page once the menus are handed over and for once I’m thankful that Matt’s attention is focused on me rather than the petite waitress, which is a type Matt is fond of. I wonder if I was a girl, I’d be petite. The thought is bizarre of me being a woman and I try to shake it off, as Matt’s finger finds the milkshakes available and pushes the menu in my direction and I just mock a laugh at him, pushing the menu back. 

“Are you going to eat with teddy sticking out of your chest?” I smirk, wanting to change the topic and I’m not sure if I want to touch Chief Petty Officer Kane yet and the thought of his whole rank, how I had asked Julian-

Julian, who I want to send off, actually give myself in and not just a lame suck off and I wonder how sweet will my kiss of death be and I try to calm myself down as I keep looking at the menu, the bear shadily looking at mine which is pretty much pressed against the wall on top the table. 

“Hold on.” Matt smirks and takes a paw out of the bear and waves at mine. I stare at him with a judging face. Matt pouts. “I’ll call him lil’ Al. Call yours lil’ Matt.”

“Fuck off, that sounds like a voodoo.” I hold myself from smirking as Helders and his toy bear keep trying to get a wave out of my own. Now Matt attempts to get the bear to wave both arms and I press my head against the table, holding laughter and I feel Matt’s finger poke my head, as if to check if the bug is dead and I wonder if I could be the man in Kafka’s metamorphosis, but I can’t see Matt happily going to a journey after my death and let an apple rot on my body. Then I feel his whole hand pet my head and eventually even stroke my head and I don’t dare to move, scared that he’ll take it off, but he continues. I wonder if he’s using the other hand to still wave with lil’ voodoo me if I was a real life bear of course. 

He slips a finger close to my cheek and I stop breathing, closing my eyes, terrified of my own actions, holding everything to stay still, if I could I’d even stop my heart from banging and then I feel him find my temple and a rough tug is done on my hair as I yelp and sit up straight.

“What the fuck?” And I see smirking with a small piece of hair and he tucks it under the bear’s beady eye. 

“Now, lil’ Al is a true voodoo bear.” Matt finds himself highly amusing even now and I can’t help but grin and flip at him, an eye roll added to everything and I still feel his finger stroke my cheek in my mind and it’s better than the milkshake I’ve been looking forward to order all day. 

I wonder what is still keeping me from talking about Miles, maybe it’s Matt himself with the criminal bear. 

“You should call your bear, too.” He smirks. I ignore his pestering as I keep flicking through the menu a smirk playing on my lips as he even takes the bears and pretends that it’s walking towards me and waves it’s little stitched arms. “Call me something, Al.”

“Sure. Fucker Matt, that good for you?” I raise my eyes to see a laughing Matt, a laugh I’d always want to summon. I pet the stuffed toy’s head. “Fucker Matt.” 

We end up ordering blindly whatever is on the meal of the day, maybe taking a lucky dip as if we’re back together on a ship, that’s what my thoughts tell me but I keep quiet as Matt’s lil’ Al tries to beat up Fucker Matt.

“Shit, if you didn’t like the name so much, you could’ve told me.” I smirk at pretty much Fucker Matt is getting a horrible beating. Then Matt stops and makes the teddy bow.

“Hey, Al.” I raise my eyes and I register a new tint. “Who was Miles? Julian mentioned him and you kind of didn’t want the lad to join us, who’s he?”

And Miles is out of the bag. I grab the bear and start fiddling with it, anxiety levels rising and words tumbling in the race in my head until Matt calls out my name.

“My superior, really.” My voice dries up and Matt starts beating up the bear again and I wonder if I want Fucker Matt to be Fucker Miles instead. And it’s ironic that among the two men in my life, I’m thinking who is the biggest fucker. I look at Matt, surely not Matt. 

-

I'm so so sorry that it's short T__T but I was really knackered and swamped today with stuff, so yeah *sigh* and I even stayed up @.@ 

so yeah, sorry about that but other than that, omg spoiler, the talk that Matt is Al's side was going to happen much much later, but yeah, here it is, so yeah, I'm anxious as usual so yeah :O

but yeah, there's a lot of Alex/Matt going on here :O (I just added an extra chunk xD) 

And yeah, Julian has pretty much been on the plank for a long while. And I love Julian in this story

And yeah, the death should happen in the next or after that chapter, basically soon. I guess I'm just warning just in case. 

By the way, my gf now goes around saying that Malex is a ship (Matt/Alex) I'm not aware if they've got a ship name, so yay Malex? XD 

Fucker Matt was planned to be Wanker Matt, but wanker would be out of place unfortunately so yeah, Fucker Matt it is xD 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading and giving it some love:3

More will be on it's way :O

<3

To Miles 22