To Miles 19

It amazes me how the talk spreads but the blame wasn’t on me. It was never on me to the public eye and Hince laid off for the morning, as I was instructed to do an inspection of all turrets, which had caused Juju and Carlos to exchange glances and I had left without my coffee. I had hesitated if I should sit with them and Miles just tried to look past me as I had approached them, but it had only been between us and the talk was simply of Pete and Carl and Miles had just remained silent, not looking at anyone and he looked torn, fragile, even broken and the only person he had raised his eyes upon was Hince who came for his coffee and I was in no position to ask what had happened between them.

I felt like I was giving myself in.

I couldn’t cry. But I cleaned up everything and I wondered what the rest had done, but when I had headed back to the bunks after cleaning I saw Miles curled up, sleeping, facing the wall, never at ease and I had wanted to touch his back, stroke him, kiss the back of his neck.

But I didn’t, instead I went to my own bunk, stretched out my hand and left it hanging in mid air, wondering if we would ever speak again besides the words thrown at me to clean everything up. 

I thought I’d have a day off for taking out two men and when I was smoking at night, fighting off whatever sleep I had, letting all the memories intertwine as Hince yelled at everyone to stop listening to whatever demon was whispering in their ears to fuck other men and it was bizarre as I could feel him inside me, I could feel his need 

he wanted men as much as we all wanted

and it made me wonder, what if God had been the same.

I wondered if I could ask that Ezra, but we had met with another ship and he had been taken away, so we had no priest and Ezra’s departure was exlained as him being ill and that he needed to pray elsewhere and he had kissed a bunch of sailor’s foreheads, stopping on mine, hesitating and planting a kiss as well, which made me wonder

But he was gone and people felt as if faith had left us, we had no priest and the church was bizzarly empty and it was a place to find Hince, a new office for him not to have his eyes bored and I met him there today again. 

I pushed the door open to see his back, his captain hat firmly on his head and he had only taken it off for sex, but then I guess I barely took off my own hat as well.

He turned around to see me and he had smirked, told me to sit besides him, he gave me a cigarette and I had taken it, shaking lightly as the older man watched me. I felt small and insignificant and I didn’t even bother to do anything as he had pressed his lips against me again and I just complied, not bothering, knowing what the fuck he had wanted, it wasn’t too long to figure out and I wondered if it would wake me up, if the pain inflicted upon me would wake me up, would yank me out of the water, but it didn’t, it just made everything worse and only his mouth upon my own was the only silencer and it was done very poorly. 

Hince had shoved me on the chairs and I just watched him undress, I kept my eyes focused on the chain around his neck and I wondered if I could pull him by it if for some reason it would do something, anything, but I knew it wouldn’t and I just stroked his back, wondering which thoughts would visit me next as he kept biting my neck. 

I wonder if this is also part of my job and once he sticks his hand in my underwear, I wonder if I can even mumble a no and I wonder what would Matt do. Miles had been fucked by Hince but I’m not aware how much consent he had given. I get undressed and I wait with his underwear to be discarded and with a sigh I spread my legs open, trying to shoo off Miles from my head and as he goes inside, I let out a groan, which is instantly shut down by Hince’s hand on my mouth.

“You do realize you have to keep it quiet, same for the homosexuals you catch.” He snaps at me, moving inside me.

I want to nod, I want to disagree and he just shrugs and I turn my head sideways, trying to forget and let it all slip away, but he grabs me by the chin and makes sure I’m facing him. He kisses me.

I feel him near and I thank Father Ezra for that, 

as he comes and catches his breath upon me, coughing lightly and I make a joke about his age in my head and I just hold him, wondering if this is the only human contact I will ever get again as Hince eases in my touch and kisses my neck again.

Fuck off.

I close my eyes and soon enough he stands up, gets his clothes and while facing the cross in the back of the room, he tells me.

“Fine, just get me someone tomorrow. You don’t have anything to do anyway.” Hince smirks and looks back at me, as I slowly sit up, trying to ignore my aching back due to the bad position and I just dress up, not even wanting to shower, let be within me, let the ghost of Hince trigger me, let him follow me, I’m still a memory burden for Miles.

I stop my gaze at him, I know he has alcohol and all of a sudden, I feel like I’ve got some hope for Stockholm syndrome, that I want to drink with him, just with the hope that he won’t touch me again and my craving for alcohol is a bit bizarre, because when I’m on land unless I’m in a gay bar I go for a milkshake, something which I will surely never have on a ship and me and Matt would have when we were children and we’d get them from the same place until it closed and everytime they get it right, I get a deja vu and I can lie to myself that I don’t love Matt.

It’s a weird feeling.

I wish I could tell him about Miles and I wish I could cry in his arms, it has happened before only now my lips manage to find his and my thoughts are just as entangled with him and Miles as I wonder how come my lips had managed to find their way to his, how come I’m on top of him, how come I feel dazed and how come sometimes it changes to Miles

and I’m sure Hince wonders why it isn’t him.

I leave and I wonder if I can ask him for alcohol, he looks like he takes a shot sometimes, maybe during the love scenes since he doesn’t like them so much, but I know he reads every single line, forcing himself to it, in case he misses some detail and it’s bizarre because it’s such a useless activity to read novels which were based off others, yet he still does it and that’s how his days go and on shore I’m sure he leaves to choose a new novel and I wonder if he’s always been reading like that. 

I don’t know why I wonder and I head out with the pat on the back and I know that my cock should be in someone else’s mouth, someone else’s mouth but not Miles and it’s not even that it shouldn’t be, it’s just that it wouldn’t happen. Maybe I can count on post-break up sex, but the way whenever we meet in a corridor and how he brushes past my shoulder, hands deep in pocket and some regret plastered which is about letting me know about Pete and Carl is always on his mind and lips. The day goes on and it fades and Pete and Carl aren’t sent away just yet, but the rumor that they will be sent on different ships starts from the happy culprit himself as he announces it, hesitating whether to give another hate speech to his men, but he doesn’t and everyone is dismissed.

I wish there was a table for me alone and I consider skipping dinner, but I figure that even a bite would do me better and I don’t know why am I even living, but my hands don’t go anywhere when I could just jump off into the water, but the thought of drowning just pushes me away.

I keep smoking outside, hoping that Miles will go out and smoke besides me, even if he doesn’t speak to me, I want to watch his lips hold his cigarette, how he pulls the smoke in, breaths it out and maybe then his brown eyes will glance at me, I don’t even need love, I just need a dose of him, but I won’t get it and I keep smoking and I wonder if I should start asking cigarettes from the other men, smile and wonder if they would fuck me, so that I could send off someone else before Hince raises Miles again.

I avoid Julian.

If I send off Julian, that would be the end of me, Miles wouldn’t forgive me sending off Julian, not that 

Even I wouldn’t forgive myself for sending off young Juju.

It’s not even that they were lovers in the past, it’s the fact that he truly loves him, a friend, a former lover which happened to be platonic and I can’t even cry anymore

I feel numb as I sit on the deck, not even smoking, my lips not even close to the cigarette as I hold it in my hand, wondering how my fingers would be a horrible forgotten to clean ashtray and I wonder when the fuck will I shower, still feeling Hince’s traces upon me, but they should be forgotten until it happens again, which will most likely be when the fucker just gets hard from a flying seagull, I can see him yanking me again and I’ll think of Miles

Let him inflict pain on me

I’d hold, I’d try not to want him

I’d want him to slap me across the face, because then I’d have some belief that his anger would go away instead of him culminating it until it gets worse and stale just to remain on the bottom until the lost feelings are forgotten and the gap never felt. 

I want him to beat me up, just not shove me away like a lost fight with someone who is long gone, I’m not long gone.

The pain I’m feeling is already physical and I try to keep looking at him, but when I try too hard and he doesn’t whenever we meet before sleep as we both head down the corridor to the bathroom after my last failed smoke, I just keep watching him and I want to kiss the back of his neck, but I hold myself, he holds the silence

I don’t know why don’t I speak and I turn around to him, as he finishes with his teeth and I watch him wash his face.

You told me you loved me.

I can.

It’s nearly a whisper, but I do say it and Miles just stops, water falling from his face into the basin and he tries to breathe deeper.

“Yeah, well, I should’ve known you better.” Is the only exchange we have so far and I just turn to wash my own face, as he leaves and my chest aches even more. I feel like fear is taking over me, what if I tell him that I will send off Julian, I’m like a person who is scared of death, who becomes obsessed and eventually kills themselves just to make it happen faster, so that the fear will be gone, even if the life is long gone as well. But he’s gone, off to the bunk, sleeping facing the wall most likely with his lips no longer mine to taste and touch. 

I want Matt to reply, who didn’t see anything wrong, he saw it as a sex opportunity and that was it, how he had glamorized it and said that it was nearly like him with women only in my case, it was my job, it was fancy, like some fantasy.

Before we go to sleep, Hince’s goodnight or rather the lullaby the world gives us is that England and France had declared war on Germany, making everyone either talk or try to avoid the silence, as some brush their teeth and I just sit on the deck smoking again, feeling bizarrely claustrophobic even if it’s ironic considering that I’m on a ship with water surrounded, of course I could die swimming and the whole world around feels very vague and the ocean endless. 

And the Germans sank a cruise ship, which obviously stirs everyone’s thoughts on the German ships and I know that if something happens it’ll be me in the turret and useless Carlos, but I don’t care. I think I’d even aim at myself and make sure that when I do so, Miles is off the ship, somewhere even in the vague ocean, I don’t want him to die from my hands and death will take care of him soon as well if so happens, so my guilt would still carry on.

I end up going to sleep and I’m thankful that I’m the last one, I’ve even been avoiding Carlos who ended up recalling some memories which I’m not interested in and I pretty much spent my day all over the ship.

In the morning I head to the orlop and I lay there on the floor, feeling like I have no reason, when I do, but soon enough I exit back to the dock. I smoke again, feeling that this hourly hour was chosen because not even my own sleep wants me, everything seems to be in withdrawal and I don’t know what had happened, I just know that Pete is getting sent away today at some point during the day and that Carl should be sent a few hours later on another ship, a bit of ship commotion around the ocean and let’s get rid of the gays before the war, I’m guessing.

I don’t know.

Julian eventually joins me, he sits down besides me as I light another cigarette to make sure my mind is fuzzy enough.

“Hey.” He says. I mimic his greeting, not looking at him and I feel bad for him. He gets a cigarette off me and lights it himself and I don’t even meet his eyes. I don’t want to. I can’t tell him to back off, I don’t even feel myself, I don’t know what I’m doing, everything is in a horrible haze and I’ve been avoiding everyone, just wandering around or sitting in storage rooms, just to avoid people. I don’t know how many rooms I’ve been in. It makes me anxious, how much my mind is bleaching out memories. 

It’s funny how I don’t even have too many memories of Miles but all of them are sacred and I keep watching Juju without even realizing it.

He blows smoke in my face, grinning.

Stop.

I see that he leans in lightly, biting his tongue, we’re alone on the deck and I wonder if he sneaked out when I had. 

No, please, don’t.

But Miles wins over Julian in my mind and I plant a brief kiss just to lure him deeper and to drown myself. I feel him smiling under the brief kiss and any curiosity he’s had about me is surely gone, I’m his, I’m the portrait under his mattress. 

Stop is to everyone. 

-

I think this is maybe the last sad melancholic chapter and yeah, I guess I should do a warning for the next chapter or so, because then everything will go pretty downhill for a while. 

Miles and Al weren't supposed to talk at all, so what happened breaks my heart just as much. 

Pretty much this chapter says everything. 

Thank you and of course I'm pretty sad after this chapter, so yeah. Please tell me if you want the next chapter so I'll prioritize it :3

<3

To Miles 20