Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Gandalf's Inhaler 13

I feel like I’ve been riding anxiety all this time as we walk in and no one asks for our IDs, it’s embarrassing but this is the first time I’ve ever even been in a pub, it’s pretty small and less exciting than you’d ever imagine to be, but with Alex on the other side of the table, it might as well be even cozy. We both take off our coats and my brain nags, that I’d rather if he’d take off the rest and the table seems tempting.

I wish I could shut the fuck up. 

Sometimes when I look back, I wish I had shut the fuck up, I was, well I still am the kid who always hands in the homework, hand in air, answers what the fuck is the second meiotic division or I’ll explain to someone a mono hybrid cross. Students like me end up in Oxford, St Andrews, whatever, I got the glances and the whole cockiness that I’d get in, I knew that I would, I studied, I had the grades, I had the language, the knowledge

and hey, instead kids who dozed off, but happened to be straight with either a posh background or a posh family got in, but they’re the ones who laugh at me

and frankly, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have boasted.

But it was only after I had gotten the offers everything went down and frankly I never got the diploma,

and I don’t think I’d ever be sitting here with a teacher, trying to drink beer, underage, fuck, I imagined my November as a student in said university hoodie reading on about the human body and wondering where the fuck do I go next with all the doors open, not fucking closed.

And those who slack off, don’t know the difference between an animal and a plant cell, get the fancy uni and I am left wondering if I am daft and dumb at all. 

And people who had similiar things, fuck me, they post it, it spreads like wildfire, organizations do shit,

in my case no one wanted to deal with me. I was just left as the others who just got called a fag went on into uni and I’m stuck with fuck knows what qualifications. 

“Miles, you want beer?” And Alex’s voice nearly makes me rise from the grave and I jerk my head up, not even noticing that I’ve been talking to myself in my head, which makes me feel a bit lonely and I look up at Al, who is pretty much smiling with his whole being and I just nod, I am legal to buy alcohol with another adult, I’m guessing he knows that.

Now, my only struggle will be that what beer he chooses and I feel a bit embarrassed that the only time I’ve drank was when Matt would bring in some booze and he and Breana would chug it down, all of it by themselves and I’d have a shot and I’d just have to peel my eyes open to make sure when I have to leave when their hands are no longer on their chests (Matt’s hands are nearly always on Breana’s breasts, I even forget that he keeps his hands to himself sometimes), so then I have to leave.

I sulk at the fact that I can’t smoke, because frankly I want a cigarette and I want Alex. I try to shove the thought away and obviously the restroom is always a bizarre option and seems a bit cliche and the fact that this is our first non-sex encounter makes it awkward and it’s as if I’m used that we’ll both come by the end of it and it doesn’t matter how much we tug on each other’s lips because all will be released. 


Shut the fuck up, Miles.

They bring the beer. We keep our silence and frankly, once the thought is planted it’s in my mind with all the images and the soundtrack as well and mind you, the soundtrack changes, fuck everything changes. I start drinking my beer a bit too fast, as I can see that Al is taking his time. 

I don’t dare to talk to him about my problems, I myself am a problem, even if he was the one who had kissed me first. I take another gulp and I actually wonder, if he was so chummy with Ezra why are the Arielle rumors so tense around? I decide to ask after all. 

“Hey.” I’ve got his attention and his eyes, which shove me out of reality and I’ve got too mnay images in my head, so I just cross my legs and I wonder if we’ll ever be able to crawl out of the bed again. “If... there’s nothing going on between you and Arielle, why are there so many rumors?”

Alex smirks and I deliberately not add the fact that he’s been with Ezra all this time and it’s just the weekend to even let people get a glimpse of what is going on and I don’t think the economics teacher figured it out yet, I never got a dirty look back then. 

“Oh, well, I know she had a crush on me, but she feels... like a new version of Alexa and I don’t want something like that. I don’t want someone who will nag on my sexuality again, even if they know that if I end up with them, I won’t look at anyone else regardless of their gender, so what if I’ve got more attractions when I’m single, I mean I chose... you?” He is a bit insecure on the last end and looks down at his beer, but eventually he raises his eyes and we smile lightly, trying to cover up whatever we could talk about. 

“‘Course.” I say and in the end Alex decides that perhaps this would be where we should eat and gets us a few menus and I wonder what should I eat, how light should I choose, what should I choose and I am close to just making a decided face and say with a bad surprised tone that I want the same thing, as long as I would eat it at some point if it was just me or Matt showed up with it. Matt. My phone is off, but I’m sure he and Breana are sending me numerous puns and condom jokes. Maybe they’ve even e-mailed me a box of durex flavoured condoms, how the fuck should I know.

The condoms.

The STIs.


“So what are you planning for Christmas or New Years?” Al asks, as we still keep checking what is there on the menu. I stick to my plan of ordering the same as he does, but then what if that would see that I’m just copying him, by playing safe and our eyes meet.

“Well, I don’t want to go to my parents, to be honest. I wouldn’t mind spending it with Matt, though, but then he and Breana might go somewhere or we could rent some bed and breakfast somewhere, I honestly don’t know. I just want to avoid my parents.” Because I’ve came out to people in my previous college and not to my parents who would flick the channel if there is even one gay couple and see them as something else, something mentally ill you should feel sorry for. I look at Al. How the fuck can you be mentally ill for loving him? What’s wrong with loving him and having sex-

Shut the fuck up, you’re in public.

“Oh. If you want we can spend it together. Or I guess I can join Matt and Breana which will be a bit awkward, but... yeah. Just don’t tell me they’ll drag us to that concert which Nick is doing for the winter holidays.” Alex wonders for a bit. He speaks a bit lower when he suggests it and I feel myself trying to hold a smile and I imagine us breaking crackers with the daft paper crowns and silly wee gifts. Looks like a scene of something sappy when you try to fall asleep, but I don’t mind it, I even want it to happen. 

“Wait, The Arctic Monkey is doing some winter shit?” Alex just nods. Shit, I’m sure Matt already bought all the tickets so he could be the only one at the gig, ok, with his girlfriend and he’d then make sure that he filmed it, got the autographs, got the phone numbers and convinced Nick to play at his wedding. 

“Yeah, he actually sent me a ticket, he sends them from while to while. Even me mum got one and she kept nagging how I should go for Nick again, even if everyone knows he’s been fucking Andy for years.” Al smirks. Wait. Andy is other guy. So, those two are fucking. Well, no one does a two piece band without fucking, so makes sense. I’m sure Matt would be thrilled to know that they’re fucking. 

“Just don’t tell Matt, please.” I smirk. 

“I can get him some tickets, if he doesn’t have any. No bother.” Alex shrugs. “Maybe then he’ll leave us alone, not that he doesn’t, but I’m still scarred for life.”

We both laugh, as I try to pretend that I am interested in the menu, but my plan is still intact. 

I feel horrid, that I’ve jumped on the Nick news out of fear when my mind is pretty much too colourful spinning on the thought that I might spend Christmas with him. 

“What about your parents, though? As in do they know, that you’re pretty much...” He ponders for a word a bit, I’m sure it’s something close to avoiding, but I’m happy that he eliminates the chance of saying it outloud just to remind me how much I feel uncomfortable with them lately, with the nagging and the whole family discussing how it’s unnatural that I haven’t brought a girl home or my uncles telling me that I should really fuck some virgin and then I won’t stop, but no one mutters the word gay, which I can see crosses their minds. “...not spending time with them?”

“Oh, well, I haven’t been doing that and I’m sure they’re happy to come up with a lie that I’m shagging some bird other than being single, because I think they’ve been noticing how I never really was attached to girls, dunno.” I just shrug and I flip to the desert wondering how stupid of me would it be if I choose ice cream in the end. I feel Al’s hand on my head, he pats it and I give him a soft judging look before he starts playing with a strand of my hair. I don’t know how to react at first and I keep staring at his lips, biting my own and Alex smirks, untangling his hand from my hair. I’m really not willing to come out to my parents, I guess in the back of my mind I just hope that I’ll end up detaching until there is nowhere else to detach and I’ll be a lost son. I wish I wasn’t the only child. 

“Well, with the current events. I guess I’ll have to spend time with you.” He gives a mocking eye roll and I just smile, thankful, but I don’t say it. “I’ll have to go to my parents at some point. I guess boxing day, you ok with that?”

I nod.

“Yeah, um, you don’t have to.” I mumble but I’m sure my smile gives out too much and Alex’s matches my own. I turn towards the window to see that it actually start raining, which is odd, because at the start of November I’m already expecting snow and throwing snowballs at Alex and I remember how I’d always turn around in biology last year to see the flakes and I guess that was my fondest memory of snow, knowing that you’re inside the snow globe, tucked in and listening about food chains. I try to push the fact that I should start slowly finding out about the universities and I didn’t even get my goddamn diploma, everyone being a drama queen, that I am taking a job from an innocent man.
I wonder if the college’s student representation should be the one dealing with this, why do they ignore? But the thing is what do they lose besides a fucking pissed at them student who will surely not come back and it’s not like I’m royalty either.

When the time comes Alex asks me what will I get, which causes me to drop my plan and order a burger, which Alex says he will take as well and makes me wonder for a bit, as I am halfway through my beer. 


And my anxiety is back. I haven't written properly GI for a month and I've been chucking in random thoughts and my situation has been odd, but I can't just shove in right now, so it's pretty much writing through gritted teeth right now XD 

gah, I hope you enjoyed it :O and yeah. 

Anyway, pop me a message if you liked it:3 

Thank you



  1. oh i liked this, seems much calmer, it flowed really well. I dunno I just loved it whats next for these to? Its been too long since I've visited your blog, seeing this was posted is very refreshing. lifes a bit spasmo at the moment, but we all get through it.

    showing miles's insecurities, and his lack of sort of opening up It's really relatable, I just love this chapter!

  2. Yeah, it was odd to write something calm again xD
    Well, you'll see :3
    Exactly, don't worry and the blog is always here for you to read:)

    I'm happy that Miles is relatable and thank you :3 :3 :3