Monday, 30 December 2013

Only God Can Judge Ya

The question which reaches the mind is actually why not. What is holding me indeed? And the thing is nothing. Nothing is holding me and the thought has been in my head for far too long. Far too fucking long up to the point that when I apply lipstick my hand trembles when I think too much.

There really is nothing holding me.

I’ve done stuff which would’ve sent me to hell anyway and one step in a direction I’ve always wanted is just even too expected and predictable. And love is like a blown out candle, it’s there and you’ll feel it, it’s not that it won’t illuminate, it’s just that the light is on.
And maybe I walk around the house far too much blowing out all the candles I’ve lit before and I know it’s nowhere close to cigarette smoke which I’ve promised myself to drop and the last pack will be tucked far away under the matress, but it’s not, it’s still comfortably sitting on the desk until I don’t hold and I take one out, putting it in my mouth until I actually hear the doorbell.

It’s like a game of spin the bottle only it’s just the two of us and I know that I’ll land on your green eyes and you’re even worse in denying than I am. But I honestly don’t know who of us has let the thought go through and I just sit there for a while and instead I use the lighter on the candle, exhaling way too much and I actually walk down.

It’s not even that I don’t want to open the door, because I do and Kristen is there and she smells of the cigarettes I’ve said no to and left upstairs and soon enough she offers me one and I take it. I don’t think we can even have small talk, it’s all too sudden. But she still tries to ask me, after all it’s what she came for.

“He asked-”

“For the jacket, I know.” I say and I left it deliberately upstairs, maybe just to raise the spirit of her in the house. I don’t know. It’s not like I have a shrine of her anyway, it’s just that it occured to me as I had been drooling over maths homework that I do think about her too much and it’s not that she reminds me of her brother, but that her brother reminded me of her. Maybe she had been hurt by me choosing someone who is her, but a dick with a dick. 

It’s weird it’s a year where I thought I knew everything about myself but apparently I didn’t. It’s as if there is much more to discover and give away. I wonder who will even spin the bottle even if it’s just me and her in the room. It’s not that we haven’t talked, it’s sometimes just been us, we’ve never sat together, both of us drifting into different cliques and the closer it gets to May the weirder it gets, it’s as if the taste of departure is stronger than it will actually be in the last weeks. I don’t even know where she will be going, what she will be doing, she’s just the back of the head in English and then became Liam’s sister who would give me cigarettes as Liam would sleep and I’d run to the balcony, not giving a fuck who would know that we’ve fucked. 

It’s been quite a few months and everyone seemed to be content. But I guess that’s what’s it’s been, we weren’t even a picture perfect couple. Sure, we looked good, but he was too tall and would goof off too much and I’d have to listen and nod and agree, but I was happily content, just that I wouldn’t think that napping would make me think of his sister’s lips.

It’s an odd feeling, it’s like being stuck in glue but it’s still warm and it stretches too far. 

I come back and I hand her the jacket and she gives out a forced smile, I don’t think any side is happy about the break up, so it’s more than obvious. 

Maybe this is when I think what the fuck is stopping me. 

“Look, I-”

“No, it’s you and Liam, or rather you and not him. It’s actually a reason for both of you, that’s it and cool. I’m... not choosing sides. Both broke up. I just came to get the jacket, because he doesn’t want to see you.” She says and actually puts on the jacket which is also quite big for her. She leaves her hair tucked into the jacket. 

“Ah, well...” I pause. “Fair enough.”

“Yeah, exactly. It’s just a break up. Happens.” I think we’re both too silent. I bite my tongue and I think I’ve been drawing too many things in my head with neon crayons. It’s not even that I’m going for any of my friends it’s just some girl who would give me cigarettes and that’s it, of course I get told about her from Liam how she would cut out things from magazines and do collages and how she refused going to pursue art. There’s too many things, but all I’ve done is heard his love for her and maybe that’s where I inherit mine. I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’ve even seen her in anything besides her flannel. I’ve seen her with other people, but it’s not like even living in the same city made us ever hang out or hold a grudge which would be the opposite, it’s maybe something I’ve got to discover about myself.

Maybe she knows it.

When you fall in love, you think the other person does as well and it becomes your excuse to do stupid things, she is turning to leave and I grab my own jacket, pulling on my creepers. She looks behind, a small smile playing on her lips.

“I need a ride.” She doesn’t even ask me where, she just knows I’m going somewhere her direction. 


I think the line which motivated the whole story was "it's a year where I thought I knew everything about myself but I didn't". It goes around that whole idea, discovering. It's been a weird year and it's odd that after all of it's twists and turns I am happy and gah, I've got to be optimistic and all should be good. I hope xD

So yeah. I'll be honest, I like them both but of course I've had my on and offs and I want them both to come out. No offense, both are gay. We're all gay, ok, all to some extent xD

Yes, this is a twisted High School AU where Liam Hemsworth and Kristen are siblings xD But I liked the whole idea of taking the theme of ending school. I wanted this piece to be a light romantic read really (for fuck's sake don't worry I'll have graphic sex scenes as usual xD I mean, I always do. Like seriously). 

Also around the feeling that you just wake up loving.

I know the title is cliche but I've been listening to We Can't Stop to get into the Miley mood and again, call me cliche I think it's her best and in general I've been drifting off but I do use religion as a big theme sometimes or undertone, so here it is once again. 

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request


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