“Why are you reading Dead Souls? I fucking hate Gogol.”
“You fucking hate all of Russian literature.” He hastily closes the book and we nearly kiss and quickly lean back as we agreed to meet on said bench in park. I wonder if men blow each other somewhere nearby and he just squeezes my shoulder and waits until I meet his gaze, rolling my eyes. It’s weird not to touch, knowing that this torture is nothing compared to a three months chastity and we just discreetly sit a bit apart, trained by sole morals we will never follow. Lana’s voice rings in my ears, but I can’t keep my eyes off him as he stands up and smiles at me.
He has no idea. No fucking idea. I look at him like I am about to get shot, but I’m not and I’m just scared of a fucking duck shooter, the gun will be pointed above to shoot if it decides to, I’m not even sure if it’s onstage. My hands shiver and I shove them in my pockets and stand up after him.
“I missed you.” Is quickly uttered from my lips and he just gives a sad smile and nods, it’s not vacant or public, but we keep ourselves, we let ourselves stand before we slowly start walking. I wonder if I even have the time to drag him to any hotel, any alleyway as I just feel lust overpouring and he doesn’t look better and neither do I want to fuck on his bed. We’re a bit too silent, watching each other’s feet or faces as we keep walking and Lana still sings Alison’s presence in my mind as I’d just shut my eyes.
“Alex... you alright?” Jamie asks quietly and I realize that my vision is whitening from the anxiety and I just shake my head and excuse myself and he just tells me he is far from better. I can’t help but just stare at him. How the fuck can I even survive three months if I barely did hours? I’m just losing blood,
loosing, loosing blood. I just shrug and we walk on as he puts his arm around my shoulders. I wonder if I should take it off, but instead it feels a bit lighter and we both smile at the touch as he manages to rub my shoulder or stroke my neck from time to time and that is a comfort you barely get outside as gay men.The image of Lana making out with Alison seemed to dwell with my sanity and giving me shivers with its length of explicitly, that Jamie just stopped and stood in front of me as I snapped back into reality and just shook my head at nothing as he seemed to wander on his thoughts regarding Lana, without knowing it.
I hate that there’s people and I just dig my nose further into the menu, nearly pushing all of me under the table just to hug him somehow. I’m considering the hotel even for a hour.
And welcome to a whole month of To Miles again xD so here I am again and November and 50 k of To Miles to go. I know I won't get to the ending because there's kind of… a lot of story arcs to cover and I'm happy that we're getting closer to Matt as well and I really enjoyed writing the brief memory recollection which Alex had. In general I really love Matt and he's a lovely contrast to both Alex and Jamie, who currently are stealing the show.
And of course I'm loving Miles and what he's got up his sleeve and there's a lot with him as well.
In general I got anxious, what if I was musing a lot from Alex's mind and what if this chapter was more of Alex's anxiety rather than actions, but then he's a wreck with Lana's confession and it was actually her first present appearance rather than a flashback. Lana was always one of Callie's favourite characters which I've discussed with her and she always enjoyed her role in the story and I guess since she's a female pilot, since there obviously weren't enough in the US. And I'm looking forward to another female pilot which will show up soon. I know, we'll have a pilot party. I think I've got like… 4 pilots right now which haven't shown up or been mentioned. I guess it's a bit weird because this story is so thought through and who comes back and when, who appears, what happens and how does the war timeline go, who dies, who gets injuries, who ends up where and the epilogue is awfully detailed in my head, expanding over a few years with a few events. And of course I know who keeps in touch, who ends up with who, who dies, who changes profession and etc. In general I like thinking about the epilogue because originally it was awfully bittersweet and I would nag to Callie about it and then the plot shifted and the epilogue is much much less bitter even if the ending itself is less bitter, of course it has the musing and post-war of it.
That's me going ahead.
And in general I reached way way over 100 k and I'm awfully excited because I've never written anything this long and this is my first historical novel and I've never really loved the characters so much. And I guess of course even if it's less personal than people might think, I still give a lot to the characters of my traits and my own insecurities and thoughts, my thoughts on religion and what not. So I'm quite happy of my choice of expanding To Miles for November.
I don't think I openly hate a writer not for the bigotry, but for the actual context, as much as I hate Gogol and I've talked about it and of course he was added again, I believe.
I feel like Jamie waited to say that phrase the whole novel xD
While I was writing about men blowing each other the "influence" was honestly more of me thinking of the park in Mishima's "Forbidden Colours" where men would cruise. Dunno, for some reason that's my first association.
The losing blood bit was because I remember back when I wrote Hince's love confession to Alex, I was quite irritated at my ex and I kept musing on love and in general a lot of my fiction was touched by the anger, I guess the clearest example in To Miles is the character of Miles, his actions and his development because I would use my love for her as I would describe Alex and Miles and I guess how things got worse it took a toll on them and they've got much more ahead so yeah, but a lot, the rough feelings are still there, the basics for them, I guess. I dunno, I'm not fond of pretty much saying "that's ridiculous" it happened, it was my own mistake or jumping into something far too fast, I don't know, but I don't see the point in denying. But then you could argue that I could pretty much be softer, but we all fuck up, we all continue fucking up and I seem to be too brutally honest for own good.
And I was comparing my feelings to her which was drowning while Callie seemed like blood to me and the more Jamie and Alex kept falling in love the more I realized where the actual relationship was, I guess. It's odd to say that they're the only relationship because they're not, they're both men, there's a lot ahead for many many characters and Alex. That's why I like To Miles because Alex has a lot of relationships. So losing blood is really the loss of the beloved or rather lack at a certain time. Funnily enough they'll be on letters now, since me and Callie were LDR for quite a few years.
And regarding Hince and Alex it's funny that they've only been together for a few months and I already kind of have the rough confidence I have from Callie when you think of it, nearly four years is a fucking long time (one month to anniversary :) ) but I dunno, you just know when it happens and I guess that's with Alex and Jamie. I dunno, I jus grew to love them deeply and there's a lot ahead and I'm trying to speak from just knowing this chapter so yeah, bear in mind that I just might be saying all is good and then all will change. I'm fucking around xD
The bolded "and" is where I started nano so that's where I binge XD
I pretty much shoved all my thinking regarding Alex being the lover as Jamie cheats on Alison with him and Lana has the same situation.
Julian has been going on since chapter one xD he was planned to be the first to send off and here he is xD
I've thought about the scene of Alex and Jamie discussing Lana so often that I couldn't recall if I had some sketches of it somewhere or not, I didn't xD and of course Jamie always thought it was a he. (I erased a spoiler here, haha xD)
And I realized that they haven't properly seen each other on the light of the shore, so it's quite an interesting thing and I always got ticked off that novels end once the couple ends up when in reality you still have to understand how you go, in life the credits don't roll regardless how hard you try on a happy moment, you go on and discover again that your lover likes vanilla milkshakes.
I hope you enjoyed it and yes, the dinner scene is soon XD
To Miles 37
To Miles 37