“I can tell you if you want and then you can tell her your side.” I clutch the covers underneath me, feeling myself heat up from the worry and the thoughts now start clinging to my whole being that I can barely speak, let alone act and the cigarette is barely smoked, mostly just dead in my own mouth, hanging, barely breathing itself and I don’t seem to be supporting it’s life or death, it’s an echo of me ending my life.
It’s as if, if I could I would just sleep through the whole thing in his arms, but neither of us seems to utter it and I seem to be feeling awfully tired all of a sudden and we brought was a sole bottle of wine for us to share and get drunk on our separation misery with no words uttered and sex not even barely initiated. I wonder if this is even the way I want to recall this night for the next months and I just sit up and pounce on Jamie, who is a bit taken back, cigarette in hand. I take it from him and take a drag, removing mine first and he’s tense and I’m not better.
“We should both stop sulking.” With his small nod and a bare little smile I kiss him again, feeling his arms wrap around me again and I feel his being warmer than I am, how we go back to kissing and I feel his tongue, getting both of us excited from desperation and our own thoughts now discarded, leaving emptiness and loneliness ahead bare for us to taunt us and maybe even be the catalyze but for the moment it doesn’t matter as I feel hungry for him, biting his lips, kissing his cheeks as he bites his lips, as I slide a hand over his pants, feeling him turned on.
It’s more than dark outside and I don’t even know the hour, so I close my eyes to give a sense of ship deja vu, thinking of it rocking slightly and Carlos complaining about the waves at all times even if they don’t seem to bother him and I feel a bit nostalgic after the meaningless breakfasts before I had known I had loved Jamie dearly. When I would still stel a glance at the grumpy Captain, who would read books-
“Shit!” I say, raising my head from kissing his chest down and Jamie sits up and I just motion for him to calm down. “I forgot to ask, I wanted to read something and I was going to ask you for suggestions, but...”
I glance at the window. Of course all is closed, but this puzzles both of us, with erections fully present.
“I could grab some books and just give them to you, before departure.” Jamie suggests actively, a bit surprised and breaks in a smirk.
“No fucking Gogol.” I narrow my eyes at him, guessing his next chess move.
“That’s all I got.” Not even a fucking pawn, attack me with a fucking horse at least.
“Liar. You have some other bullshit, you’re dying to hear me curse at the next few months. Without you, I’ll read everything I have.” I say hastily and that just seems to tear the wound apart even more and Jamie just sighs, cigarettes long discarded for cravings.
“Yeah, I’ll be reading pretty much at even worse rate before I met you.” He pauses. “Alison isn’t too fond of speaking to me and she said that Lana should be here for a few days, so of course she wants...”
I don’t flinch and maybe my coldness is what strikes him down, off the clock and into the abyss where perhaps his time crosses Lana’s path.
“...Girl time.” Jamie finishes his sentence. “Fuck. Fuck!”
He sits up, tense and sober from realization.
“Lana! Of course, fuck, shit...” He holds his mouth. “Why didn’t I realize it, sooner?”
Jamie sighs and I feel him break slowly, but instead he grabs the wine bottle, taking a swing and giving it back to me, as if I hadn’t known.
“Lana!” He keep exclaiming, staring off into the distance. “She’d always stay over and Alison would always mention that they were the best of pals in all fucking letters. Lana. Fucking Lana.”
He looks down.
Jamie shakes his head. He gestures pointing his finger at me and then at himself.
“Do you think... Alison figured us out?” He gulps and I recall Miles. I wonder where does Miles stay if Alison would be banged by Lana. I don’t want to even think if they’re on it, pregnant or not, as far as I have heard the sex drive is there and I was nowhere close to being interested in my lover’s wife having sex with her own female lover. I shake my head, but Jamie just seems to be staring into the distance, slowly shattering with his own inability to see. Perhaps mostly because Lana was always under his nose.
“I...” I keep looking at him, as memories and letters and Alison’s coldness race through him over a loop of his own prolonged mistakes. I shake my head. Our wording seems deeper than actions and body language, portraying all of the portraits to be brought for us to weep upon or admire silently, but to never show emotion. “I don’t think so.”
Now it’s Jamie’s chance to disagree, but I cut in, literally with sharp scissors.
“She never figured out Miles-”
“But I figured out Lana...” Jamie stops for a second, looking at my own scared eyes of the truth emerging with Lana clicking her heels harder across the pavement and perhaps even twirling in Jamie’s head with her long brown hair. “And it is her.”
I just shrug, nodding, looking at the bed sheets and then back to his chest.
“And... if I figured out Lana, why wouldn’t she figured out you? The formula is the same, stash the relationship behind something insignificant and less sexual as possible, a fucking friendship, state how close you are as friends, so that the sand in the eyes is given, so once seen your mind just interprets it as ‘yup, they are friends’.” Jamie just breaths out deeply and takes the cigarette box. He taps on it, exposing the last three cigarettes to me. I have a half box, but I don’t refuse his proposal.
“Maybe let’s have dinner?” He adds. “More wine... and milkshakes if you wish to stay sober.”
“Fuck you.” I smirk and we both stand up near each other and it feels odd, both of us less excited physically, but our mouths are just eager, but we settle on scoring somewhere to clear Jamie’s mind and a small dinner. We both dress up and try to make something comprehensive from our own hair, until I see that I can’t seem to keep my hair, that Jamie takes my comb and asks me permission before just pulling it all back, sleeked and I grown, fixing it as he holds a smirk on his face. “I look awful with my hair fully sleeked back. Fuck off.”
“I know.” Jamie smirks and waits for me to finnish until we both dress entirely for the winter to greet us outside and stroke our cheeks as if it were some unwanted lover to ruin our seasons and disasters beyond recognizable senses. And it’s odd to remember him without his uniform in regular clothes and for a moment, as I volunteer to head out first, I close my eyes, wondering how would it be later and how it would be if I could just imagine that I could live with him, but it was some distant utopia where a man could hold hands with another man far too easily. I walk past the reception and outside, taking a cigarette from my pack, coat still unbuttoned and recalling Jamie closing the door and saying five minutes in break.
I glanced at my clock about three times, smoking the cigarette, wondering how much would my imagination last and when would it run out of colours and I was surely not against Alison, it was as if the spirit of Miles was within me and I wondered who had summoned him wether it was me or Miles himself or even Jamie? I wondered how much more long would the five minutes feel, but they had excitement of seeing Jamie and the flirtation of not touching him in public which seemed to drive us both insane and maybe we would be able to keep a piece of mind for the next few hours since I had to depart for the ship at around six a.m. a fast night of sleep and something around the schedule of when Jamie and myself would kick me out of his Captain’s cabin. It was odd now that Brian would sleep in Jamie’s bed and I wondered for a brief moment about the mattress.
“So that means Brian would be in your room?” I ask and Jamie raises an eyebrow at me confused, exiting from the hotel and surprised at the weird choice of greeting I had given my lover.
“Yeah, he would, why?” He asks and it seems more than obvious. I just shrug and Jamie nods for me to continue.
“I hope I don’t sleepwalk there.” I say and it sounds a bit bitter for the mood rather than the actual words, but instead we both stir it up even worse.
“Yeah, well, Brian’s better than Miles.” We just both exhale.
“I’m awful at... goodbyes or bye.” I shrug, saying and Jamie nods.
“Yeah, but they’re usually never this painful.” My lover adds my exact thoughts, digging them out of the tea cup with the spoon.
“Maybe because we’ve not been in love.”
“That’s a bit shredding to everyone besides us, moron.” Jamie laughs.
“I think we’ve had enough loves which ached, though.” I add sadly and Jamie just nods, shrugging and I think we both know where we are heading. But he stops right in front of me.
“But I’m not denying that I love you and it’s as if... the word can’t cover how I feel.” I feel my cheeks heating up. I can’t hold him, I can’t touch him, but at least we can try to describe something we can’t speak. I put my arm around his shoulders, letting people portray us as friends in front of all doors, to never peak, expecting the moans to somehow be of a woman’s either of ours, just to fit on the celebration card.
“You said love is blood, I stick to that.” I grin at him and we walk through the main street, through the few restaurants and see nearly all of them packed fully with couples, besides one open restaurant where we see Julian and Carlos who wave at us and for a second, we flare up, as I see Carlos excuse himself from Julian, who already gave up on ever being Jamie’s friend and I keep my arm around Jamie’s shoulders and neck to avoid as much suspicion as possible. Of course, with a city this small it seemed obvious and I see Dengler look at our arm and then just give a salute to Jamie, as the Captain just waves it off.
“I... I didn’t you you were friends with the Captain, Turner.” Carlos keeps looking at my arm. I tense up and I think the other sailor notices it. His own appearance is a shock for Jamie, who still remains cool.
“Alex’s girlfriend is a dear friend of my wife.” He states simply and the lie seems far too fitting in the puzzle of explaining why would you not be fucking the captain and Carlos looks back at Julian. Carlos shuffles lightly, holding his tongue. He looks at me then at Jamie.
“Have a good night, Sir and months off.” He holds my gaze, trying to reveal the revealed but then eases up. “Alex, you too.”
Carlos hesitates for a moment.
“There’s a good restaurant, seemed pretty empty, I’d avoid Market street if I were you, all sailors are getting drunk there-”
“At the navy bar.” Jamie finishes Carlos’ sentence.
“Yeah, Sir, the navy bar.” He gulps, still watching us, but not saying anything. “I just... wouldn’t place thoughts in people’s heads, Alex, Sir. I’d go to Green Street if I were you.”
Carlos still keeps looking at us, bewildered.
“Sorry, Sir, I-”
“Goodnight, Dengler.” And Jamie nods, I salute Carlos and he seems to still be staring at us, as I look back to see him light the cigarette and soon enough Julian leaves outside and I only presume that Julian’s suggestions of us as a couple are dismissed by Carlos and I make a mental note to give him some stashed candy I had won last week from Julian at a usual game of poker, quickly catching Carlos’ nod at me as he continued smoking outside, Julian possibly back to his meal.
“It’s actually not the navy bar, just all sailors seem to be trying to attract women there, I had ran into Alison once in there when we weren’t dating, years and years ago and I think we even went on a date there.” Jamie says, but the words keep going through me with Carlos’ eyes wide with realization on his intimate dinner with Julian. I can’t even look back at Carlos, because we are much past him and my arm is still just around Jamie and we dodge said Market street, walking past a few other streets until we reach a destination and I wonder if it’s even the street Carlos mentioned and it isn’t. I wonder if he had ever taken Miles with him and if someone else just like Carlos had looked at Miles and Jamie bewildered, but they had a more fitting friendship puzzle, being family with their own odd shenanigans going on in the household, because family sometimes carried the Devil within them in their ponds, letting it spread. I shiver at the thought of Alison’s eyes.
I think Jamie’s right,
Carlos now seemed like something dividing bitter realization. Carlos’ words and realization seem to shatter me like a repressed box of memories. And it seems to be escalating, but I still keep my arm around Jamie and I can only muse what would even be safer for us, what even is safer for us? Are we that much obvious to the actual naked eye or is it because Dengler and Casablancas have their own games to contemplate on and I wonder how far had they gone, because they always seemed to be friends in my head, regardless of how intimate they seemed and didn’t Carlos actually have a wife?
And it seemed that I had to shut my mouth regarding talks of such, because I seemed to be the forbidden apple, I was the one bitten, I wasn’t the one to blame, but I was still the muffled catalyst, but then all had started far longer ago with Miles at Jamie’s side and their younger selves still circulated and even if their age difference was slightly smaller, it was still considered a more hideous and typical sin of an older man with a younger boy.
Did Jamie even date someone his age?
I looked at him, question inside as we made our way to the restaurant, the first ironic drops of winter rain taking us by the cloaks, yet not soaking them enough and I wonder how much longer would it last through the night and would it be ironic enough for us to depart under the rain and I wondered how far Jamie would even push through. The restaurant was rather small, packed but intimate enough to leave out the gossip as we took a table near the wall, waiting for the menu, as Jamie lit a cigarette handed from my box without thinking, as I took one for myself, holding from taking Jamie’s, the closest I could get for a kiss far more than further away from me.
I still decided on ordering wine, for if my head were to spin, it was spinning already and threaded with daft misery and the day stretching like a newly-attached parasite, without realizing how slow was it killing me and I would look at it through a microscopic lens, not even paying attention to the sucking, just letting it do its job dully, so that one day I could peacefully die, wrapped in shiny golden leather pain.
Everyone seemed to be speaking in tongues and as the wine arrived, I could feel myself slowly catch up on my tired state and desire to sleep the next three months away, but there seemed to be no choice rather than give myself up on a chain.
“I never knew Casablancas and Dengler were...” We both wait for Jamie’s choice of a word, thankful that only one table is taken besides us and they don’t seem too keen and they are eating desert already and I recall myself as a child, depressed by solely looking at my preserved parents regretting that something just as dull as my childhood would await me and passion seemed something I would sometimes read in Matt’s books and that was all which would be fated for me and then I had kissed with Matt. I guess what counts is what you consider your first kiss and thus I had chosen to make the first kiss with Matt, even if it never progressed it and through the start of youth I just managed to tell myself that it was better off with someone who I would never fuck it up and perhaps in the back of my head, while touching myself, I would think maybe my first time would be with Matt, rather than Paul with whom we had both seemed to catch the tip of emotion and passion, both of us heading anywhere to fuck, but still being awfully aware, even if our first time had been in the bathroom of a gay bar. It had started from a dance, explicitly kissing in the slashes of a utopia we all queer people had created with all men finally blossoming in all ways they could with the women giggling openly with their interests.
Maybe because we had been since the dawn of time, we seemed to make sense unlike a speaking couple eating cake silently. I just quickly glanced back at them, recalling Paul who was dying to fuck me and I was dying to touch him even if I barely had any idea, my hands wandering everywhere, before he had taken my cock out and slid myself inside him-
I feel my hands shake lightly, recalling a sex scene in the fragments of seconds I had to answer to Jamie’s question. My mind was more than a mess, since Jamie’s feelings were shattered with his own.
“Neither.” I just shake my head lightly and I wondered how much do I have to tone it down for someone bleak, who seemed to willingly choose an unappetizing life and I wondered what had driven people to make themselves be so miserable? Because from Jamie’s words no matter how much I had wondered about Alison, I never even once doubted his love for her, I could see that he made love to her and I would just let it slide away from my mind, but it always seemed sincere and their choice of children didn’t seem to be something they both regretted, it didn’t seem to be less fitting in a way, even if now they might’ve regretted the thought eating their fingers away regarding what to even do afterwards, what would’ve been uttered among them eventually as they would barely be able to recite their vows at moonlight. I wondered how long would they keep it up and what would Jamie even do and I wondered if under the light of unentertained couples with kept hair and thin lips was this question appropriate and if it would serve as a contrast or on the opposite, a synonym?
What would spring them to life, was it themselves or the sole catalyst which made them dull and I wondered how would one even describe a dull life, because I would get told that ship life was very shallow, narrow and it was one sole space, but I enjoyed its boarders and knowing where my life’s edge ended and that for once the sea was something to be avoided, like an odd childhood dream or presentation, an ancient thought confirming that just like death, the world ended on its shores and the ship seemed to sail through space.
“I knew since they’re both in similar positions, but I never figured they were friends.” Jamie’s eyes catch the unentertained couple and he smirks, maybe it is a contrast after all and thankfully, but still seem to dread me even more than the old winter’s rain pushing in Spring with the paradox of the lack of snow. The ship was odd if it were covered in snow, everyone shivering for no reason during a smoke and if there were too much ashes, then under the rain or any weather, Jamie would yell at everyone to mop the decks. I wondered what was the sheer pleasure of deck moping-
Although he would check me out then, but it seemed like a meaningless cleaning action which seemed to be chosen by each captain for no good reason and maybe that’s where he ended up as a captain.
Although he would check me out then, but it seemed like a meaningless cleaning action which seemed to be chosen by each captain for no good reason and maybe that’s where he ended up as a captain.
It's been a hard couple of days as it's been hard to get my thoughts down, because it's been a turmoil due to Alison's whatever the fuck she even meant by that, I still have no idea if she had an idea of what she was doing or not, but point stands. Regardless, I know I'm more open here, but I'm not in a mood to go over what went, so if you're interested please head over to my tumblr, scroll a bit and please that is my stance and I am not changing it unless there is an apology/explanation, I showed the facts and I really don't want to discuss her behavior and what the fuck had that meant. So it's… hard to do the first backstory with her ignorant behavior in mind. So due to that of course the blog will not have any new Alison Mosshart stories whatsoever. I've mussed on it, so the started stories will be picked up and updated because I pretty much always had Alison in my mind, of the image of her rather or how she used to be, suit yourself which definition. I'm really hurt, because I've loved her and I've supported her greatly through out the years and well, one thing is my grump nagging about her jumping from collab to collar which frankly is just random loving grumbling and another is something well actually disgusting.
So due to that it's kind of… I was writing for years about someone who could do that and like everyone I was always eager to know what happened and etc, why did they break up and etc, what's going on and etc. I still enjoy The Kills and I love The Kills, because it's a duo project and of course my opinion is now a bit more bias, but I still see Kills more of a Jamie inspired by Alison and Jamie's ideas which ended up being Jamie composing and Alison just roaming around, again, I'm biased and angry. So I really get disgusted and annoyed when people don't credit him, but I can't do anything about that. I'll just grumble.
Anyway, she'll still be written in To Miles regardless, frankly her story arc is just changed slightly, but her relation to Alex and Jamie is going as planned.
I am fucking disappointed, annoyed and disgusted.
Anyway, fuck that.
So that frankly knocked me out for a few days, so I haven't been writing or posting anything, because I fucking care and I fucking get revolted that the world is rather blind, but I can't do anything. All I can do scream from while to while here and I dunno, I'm happy I'm sane in some way, I guess I just get annoyed at people who defend her. I'm sorry, I will talk about the impact of that shit she caused.
So I need to be catching up on posting and Nanowrimo. It's odd, because I've written this ages ago, pester me to post xD
The mood through out because I get anxious about everything always swirls to Alex's of course and since it's Nanowrimo where I specifically unclench my consciousness Alex gets more than a piece of my mind.
I think Jamie finding out about Lana was something I hadn't decided and kept pondering on for quite a while, as I had thought that Alison would've figured out Alex during the dinner party, but that got interrupted. Sometimes I look back and I think maybe I should've stretched it longer? Maybe I should've made it faster? Maybe I give Alex too much thinking space? But then I've always had and I guess well since this is enjoyed, I'm going forwards (I'd go forwards regardless, just now with more confidence).
And regarding Alison it's interesting because I've called out a bunch of people on asshole actions, but Alison seems to be close to topping the list, it's like… I've adored her for years. Anyway, stream of someone depressed and annoyed, ticked off.
Jamie thinking that Alison figured it out comes from the fact that when you're connected to someone who fortune tells or has some gift of sorts, sometimes you get dreams as well and etc, a feeling, kind of like those which you get regarding soul mates, but then Alison and Jamie are awfully close in this story.
In general I get annoyed at the lack of proper sex positivity because now we've got a wave of "NO FRIEND REPRESENTATION" or etc. It's important but don't shame sex positive one, when there is barely and if there is it's heteronormative while friendship was always valued to a fucked up extent, we all have our stances, so yeah, that was a stab there, because I'm more than vocal on my friendship stands, I just don't believe in long friends regarding myself, so of course I might give some of characters that way of thinking and I'm polyamorous so I'm all the more lovers the better for a character, because we've got enough stupid friendships and barely ever good poly romance. Fall in love with your friend, if you want to, if that rocks your boat, do whatever you want, really.
I guess just be honest with whomever you put above everyone else if you do, that's the drill.
So I pretty much shove my thoughts in Jamie rather often and words which I would speak angrily, so Jamie got my stance on hiding relationships behind friendships, because a lot of the time even today we've got "gal pals" or whatever other bullshit you can find, friendship is put above, before God forbid you'd stick your tongue somewhere near someone. Fuck that. People are dating, open your eyes and stop being a homophobic douchebag.
I don't like Alex's dracula hair, so I did a stab at that too.
A stab here, a stab there do do doooo (I get angry sometimes at people defending things dumbly)
The Brian in Jamie's room was me randomly yelling at Callie, WAIT WHAT HAPPENS TO JAMIE'S ROOM? Because frankly I might've researched a lot, but Callie is my go-to small technical stuff about WWII and the navy, even as irrelevant as this XD and thus the paragraph was created.
I find it ironic that Brian and Jamie are not former lovers here, I've mused on changing it, but let it be that one story where I fucked up and didn't XD
I distort Jamie's 'love is blood' quote which I wrote myself x) it's never been properly quoted and shortened, he had said something else during his confession xD
I don't know why but Lana and Alex being beards without the other knowing when is my silent giggle joke to myself.
You know who is queer and who's hand is not there for friendliness. I recalled now randomly how people said on some bullshit post: BECAUSE I'M A WRITER I DON'T SHIP STRANGERS, I THINK THEY ARE SIBLINGS OR SOMETHING.
NO, BULLSHIT, I SHIP THEM EVEN MORE AND CREATED A STORY OF BLOOD AND BETRAYAL AND LOVE IN MY HEAD. I'm taking the piss about blood, betrayal and love, but I ship and fuck this, fuck friendship.
For some reasons when I think of Navy bars I don't think Gay Bars, I think Gay Bars when Gay Bars, I call things by their names, when I say Navy Bars I think of that bar where Sex and the City Anchors Away episode ended (that shit is so problematic towards the end, but yanked me out during my teenage years out of depression and helped me being single and I love that episode, looking back I was surely all YAS SAILORS, but eh, usual for me).
I couldn't recall anyone who Jamie dated who was his age or older, so I was an asshole x) and included that phrase
I miss Matt. Bring Matt back. XD
Matt memories aren't planned, my consciousness misses him and it seeps through xD
I dunno, I think I talked through everything, themes are similar since this is a fucking long day here xD
I ship Jamie and Alex as fuck xD I always get anxious what if I don't portray love well enough and Callie just tells me to stop thinking daft things xD but yeah, it's something I get anxious about even if I write love from the heart (aw, that sounded awful xD)
Thank you and I hope you enjoyed it, please tell me if you did
To Miles 42
To Miles 42