Friday, 7 November 2014

To Miles 38

The town is small.

When there is one shopping street, all makes sense that all ends meet and as Jamie drinks the wine further I see Lana laughing out loud, arm in arm in a woman’s fashion with a heavily pregnant Alison and Lana is the one carrying some last minute groceries. My mind goes cold, but Jamie already spots them and without thinking further, waves.

Let the dinner party commence, all we need is love’s culprit, but aren’t we and Lana destroyers already? I pray for him not to look back at me, I think of Jamie’s hometown and I see them walk in, I wonder what haircut did Jamie have, how his hair looked down, back then. He discreetly kisses Alison on the cheek, as she nods at me, Lana kissing me on the cheek as well, as they both get their coats taken away by Jamie. Alison motions for us to change tables and Lana quickly winks at me. I have my sole second to flip the female test pilot off and I do, as she rolls her eyes. The guilty forget their sins easily unless the victims commence to announce their inflicted by us pain.


Jamie comes back and we all sit down.

Alison cooes at my milkshake choice and she gets a vanilla, as I observe her, now heavily pregnant and due any day now, how her bracelets jingle and her let loose heavy black hair always gives an eerie feeling like she could be from anywhere, as Lana’s in done upwards and her lips brighter again. Lana gets wine, some twisted choice, as she still observes the menu even if we don’t stay long. Jamie is the one who speaks less, yet breaks the silence.

“So... Lana, you and Alex know each other?” He asks and Lana takes her brief moment to check out my boyfriend, probably mentally compare him to Matt and he doesn’t seem to catch her eye as she looks back at me. She’s seen Jamie plenty of times before and I see it in her brown eye glint. 

“Yeah, we used to be on the same carrier. Well, I did a few tests there and he was one of the gunners there.” She crosses her arms on the table, as I feel her tense up with Jamie even if it’s barely noticeable but her actions mimick every time I’ve seen her with a daft husband. “We just... became friends. Like y’know Matt Helders, yeah?”

She gestures and back at me, trying to cause a reaction from Matt’s name but it’s a small shiver. Lana seems displeased, sighing and back to the captain. 

“Basically he was one of the pilots and he would mock me for being a bit sloppy in the beginning and eventually, he shut the fuck up. And Alex is his closest person in the world.” She says the last phrase slowly and Jamie glances back at me. I keep my gaze on Lana, until Jamie lets go. “Anyway, those two don’t work out for some fucking reason.”

I step on Lana’s feet. She yelps, irritated.

“What? I know Matt is daft, but fucking hell, he always loved you Alex. I’m sorry he couldn’t reply to your letter, he’s fucking beating himself over that you guys both just walked away after that fucking hotel. It’s the only damn thing he cares about!” She raises her voice and I even feel people look back at us and I glance to see a couple of men sitting in a different area, watch us carefully, look queer enough, so I sigh looking back. Alison smiles, intrugued. 

“Matt? Helders? Wait, I thought Alex was with my brother.” She shrugs, as me and Jamie just instantly snap back at her wide eyed. “That’s what Miles told me.”

Alison excuses herself, taking a napkin and wrapping it around the newly served milkshake glass. She taps her manicured nails against the glass, quickly looking at me but then resuming her cocktail. 

“No...” I feel oddly exposed with all my lovers at my side. Alison doesn’t seem to mind, but she herself is queer, just until recent her husband wasn’t aware of such. It feels like an odd gay bar discussion of who slept with who on sea, but instead we’re all onshore and we’ve got a mix of the same lovers. “...We broke up.”

“That’s... odd. Miles told me that’s why you tagged along.” She pauses, clearly out of the loop. She points at me then at Jamie. “I know that you’re friends with Jamie, but I figured that... y’know you and my brother were a thing. Sorry, I didn’t mean to attach you to my brother, it’s just what he said. Jamie, don’t take offence either.”

She adds bitterly, as Jamie grumbles something under his breath and takes another gulp of wine.

“I have no idea what’s with him and Miles recently. Is Miles a sloppy gunner or something?” Alison pipes up. 

“No, his turret got jammed, maybe Jamie’s cranky coz Miles’ been complaining?” I pipe up and Jamie breaths out slower this time. I’m covering for covering. 

“Yeah, he’s just been a fucking pain, because I couldn’t get anything done before shore.” He pauses and straightens up slightly. “Because he’s very hard working and I understand that he wants to work, but I can’t fix the turret myself.”

Alison smiles, pleased with the lie, stamping at truth apparently how she had the past few years. I observe them, either they’re both daft and stupid or blinded with some vows they ahd written ages ago and neither do the vows seem truthful. Under a different limelight they seem distant or maybe because in the essence of lover’s by side or maybe under the real light, all sexuality vaporizes and nothing is left but the naked dog bone.

Thank fuck for Miles’ jammed turret.

Sometimes I wish I could leave myself alone, but people still converse with me. And it’s not like loneliness will ever go away until you can fully let yourself immerse and with Jamie not being by my side soon, the illusion of fleeing alone is just more than existent and I already mused on how it would be, taking a while longer to get out of bed to see him and my eyes would quickly stop on the bunk besides me, which is Miles’, and I haven’t met him onshore after that time when he had made out with me, how fast did our relationship even go?

It was brief and painful, Miles’ body flashing in my head, his lips rough and the feeling not leaving me, maybe because I felt like all the love I had ever felt was like the branches of a tree, it kept spiraling into oblivion and the branches as naked as winter, piercing the sky though and reminding me that I had found love and I wasn’t drowning, instead I was in someone else’s arms. And I think when you imagine your end it depends if you’re smiling or not, food aside with drinks to toast on, it’s about the lips you press against. 

‘We let love shatter us, feelings intact, lovers aside and some crucified euphoria being air.
We are attracted to our loves in the past as as a glamorous way because we can’t achieve the past and the past days of untouched lips’ Jamie’s scattered poem was in my mind, I could see him reading it in a deja vu sense, I had never asked him to read out his poetry, he would just silently show me it. He never struggled much, sometimes he would grab a notebook and start scribbling in his neat yet unreadable handwriting, which I had learnt to discover in days. 

Miles was still on the plate and Matt was just me shooing away from my thoughts, I seemed to have too many men in my life and one which seemed to tower above the rest, just because I had forgiven his sin and he had forgiven me for whatever I might’ve done and the question still remained of the metallic kiss and sometimes I would have Miles in my head and sometimes I would just space out and I would have to close my eyes and I wondered was Jamie the one who inflicted the pain or was it just a slow tuned out melody? But then I could barely recall myself after Peter and Carl’s deaths which I had caused, Jamie yanking them outside and his own life put above others on the chess game long ago. 

I felt as if I had a small sense of grandiose as I had gotten the job, even minor, it was a promotion and a small nod, that I could do something and that I wouldn’t be presumed gay  even if my lips were caught on someone else’s, how come the same action was interpreted in other ways, I was the hand of God, while someone else was the spawn of Satan? On whose side was everyone yanked to? How come so many people were not forgiven, how many people had a blind eye? How many men had fallen under the same men as me? How many of us have fallen? How many of us have been killed by the wrong wives, by the wrong husbands, by the peers, by the parents? And how many have even kept it silent to ourselves and found ourselves in the sea of sweat, confusion, alcohol and a tad brighter colours or in the cabaret of the wrong side of town? How many have been called names? How many of us?

The number is so vague, because no one will say, yeah, I’m gay, I’m queer, no one will, even when you imagine a face, you’ll just imagine the sole blue lips moving and you’re not even sure they’ll even be alive anymore, because once you’re presumed, you’re dead. It’s not even a bang or a whimper, it’s just the stream of blood to be washed off and the bones which will never be buried next to the church. 

“All we need is Miles and then we could commence dinner.” Alison laughs lightly, quickly sneaking a glance at Jamie, who just looks down on his wine, avoiding all gaze and Lana still seems irritated and tries to catch my own glance. We hold our silence and I have no idea what to talk about, all the thoughts fallen now even the religious questions I had planned for Alison. Jamie takes his moment and finishes his wine in one neat gulp, as I grab the straw and do the same. We split the bill, not thinking, as all four of us hastily dress up for the fake winter and head outside. I watch how the city is now dressed in a winter’s night with the houses and windows lit, Christmas decorations off far too away and no hint of anything celebratory in sight. 

Lana offers me a cigarette, she slows her pace and I don’t allow her to speak, widening my eyes for her to keep quiet, but she just points at Jamie behind his back, as he takes Alison under his arm. I bite my lip and point at Alison, thankful that we the younger ones, are behind to give a sense of age elitism to ourselves, making rank as well. Lana mouths ‘she’s hot’ and I just narrow my eyes at her. I look around, thinking for an excuse. 


I didn’t get a gift. 

I pull Lana closer and I whisper that I forgot about the gift and she doesn’t hold.

“Did you have to fuck in the bushes, Turner?” Is her chaste reply. I just grab her under my arm as well, clearing my throat and causing the married couple to turn around.

“Sorry, I forgot something...” Lana nudges me. “Both me and Lana, we’ll catch up.”

It’s a knife in my throat, as I see Jamie slowly exhale. I bite my lip even harder and in several places, as Alison just smiles and I wonder if there’s something I had missed in her pond. 

“Oh, no bother. We’ll see you later, Alex.” He gives me a small salute and then glances back at Lana. “Lana.”

And they both turn and I catch Alison look at Jamie too long before he returns the favor. 

“How long have they even been together?” I want to step on Lana’s feet again, as she asks it and I just sigh. She holds the silence, maybe for us to kill time as I make my way into the toy store, just a few minutes before, excusing myself to enter the wooden shrine with painted colours and everything scattered on the shelves, a few kids still inside with some toy trains, as I walk past them deeper into the store, sighing. Most likely I wouldn’t have children, I think, as I pick up some wooden blocks. It was surely too complex for something which was recently a sole fetus. 

“About fourteen years or so? No wait...” I pause. Miles and Jamie always say eleven or twelve, around the same as Alison and Jamie. “Eleven or twelve, something like that. They got married about nine years ago.”

“Wow, that’s a fucking long time and we’re wrecking it.” Lana smirks, now picking up the blocks with numbers and she keeps her eyes fixed on mine, but I don’t dare to look. She puts the block down. She makes sure to stand between me and the shelf. “Look, Alex, it;s their choice if they wanted to be with us in bed. Not yours, not mine, they’re the ones who found someone outside, we were the ones who just happened... to want to be with them when they wanted someone else. You’re thinking, as if Jamie never wanted someone else.”

She’s too concerned, as she keeps looking at me, Lana’s eyes full of worry, hands behind on the shelf with the blocks. I just sigh and shake my head.

“It’s not that... Not at least right in front of my head.” Miles is in my head, not even Matt with his regrets, I think anger blinds memories and takes them away, maybe because I’ve loved Matt for so long, that I don’t care what type of blood flows in my veins, when I’ll lose it, I’ll need someone else’s, I don’t want his. I don’t want someone to storm out on me. Then why the fuck do I think of Miles? How come we long for the ones who hurt us in a way we don’t understand? She won’t let go of Alison and neither will I of Jamie. I still think of him and my whole body starts aching from the lack of him anywhere near me, as if I could feel each step and start carving him in this city for two months. Each city becomes generic, all seem the same, the more you see, the more everything becomes a copy of a street from some city and buildings from another and soon enough they blur, they become so generic that only some people stick out with their words, their clothing, but it’s usually those who you want to meet again rather that the society on the streets which is happy that I am sending men off. Society like the cities become bleak and when society doesn’t want one, neither do the cities and they just become something with corners where we live. 

I feel like someone took out all my insides with a spoon and everything burns and bleeds, not realizing it’s loss, but the blow. It’s not even teeth shattering, it’s more on the verge of soul shattering. 

I don’t want to admit defeat to myself, that I might lose him and the more I get attached, the more I feel like Miles, I don’t border with possesive, but it’s a lie if once I start missing stronger, it’s not a question of hours, but it becomes days and maybe love isn’t as subtle as blood, maybe it starts running down, maybe it starts crashing in waves, chocking because the fear keeps rising, since we all die alone, maybe we just die a bit before as well? What if time would just slow down, I keep walking around, past the children books now and I hear the kids getting shooed away, because they simply won’t be customers, so that me and Lana are left alone. It’s funny how an average mind will draw both of us, maybe a child out of wedlock since we hold no rings in our fingers or at most we are going to someone else’s baby party, but the point is that we would be together. In the end all the misery comes from what the mind presumes. 

If I would see Miles smoking back on the destroyer, I would imagine him, sitting down, lighting the cigarette slowly, not even smoking, maybe letting it burn and waste it, as if he had never touched it, never watched the smoke circulate, until lighting another. And how does it feel to lose someone for your own stupidity? How much did Jamie’s patience stretch? How much did Miles’ own patience stretch? Whose broke first and is it the sole rubber which holds the relationships?

I would lay down and wonder how they both had looked, how they had gone through the ages and how hard was it to just flush down old letters, how tears had streamed down, how many prayers might’ve been uttered from Miles’ mouth. And it’s awfully cathartic to see him again with Jamie in the room, just them two, Alison and Lana would solely fall behind and all of this was getting drawn with aquarel in my mind, as if I were drawing the sea. 

“Yeah.” I get back to reality, still confused on what you get a newborn and I hesitate from choosing anything. In the end, Lana sighs and we head over to the dummies. She grabs a few, hinting that Alison mentioned that they always get lost and discarded. I trusted the wife’s lover and I bought them, cigarette lit as soon as the lights were off in the children’s toystore, cigarette in mouth, Lana watched me. It was weird to be close to her at times, because we were both so different and it was as if we had covered for each other so much that we became attached. I could hear her heels as we would walk and she would solely lead the way, even if I knew it already, she went a bit ahead, twirling for no reason and I would watch her. I think we love too many people in our lifetime, it just comes and goes, as suddenly as someone else stops twirling.

“C’mon, Alex. Relax.” She stopped for a while and watched me. Everyone seems to be watching everyone today, eyes locked and fear attached behind the back, like a cheating card.

“Do you think it ever snows here?” She asks, looking up and I see how her hair is still intact with all the pins, how it’s just as bright brown as it has always been and her eyes wide open, her facial features soft. I keep looking at Lana, wondering what had I missed, Jamie had fallen in love with Alison, why couldn’t I just bend my life, but no matter how hard you try you can’t change someone else’s feelings and neither can you your own. That’s why I always imagined Miles smoking for someone who wasn’t me. I would think that he thought of me, but the deeper you dig, the more you realize you aren’t the one that people miss. Maybe you have to have something. Maybe you have to fight against Tolstoy. Maybe you just have to lose or maybe I ahve to listen to my own words, maybe I have to give in that I would never be able to expand anyone’s feelings beyond exagerttion that I would never be able to do anything. But is it me speaking or society because I can’t happen to bend the right away and even if I am fucking legally, I am stil fucking under something which is against, I still think of the men, of the flesh which I shouldn’t and just like you can’t change someone’s feelings, you can’t change someone’s sexuality and in the end of the day, you don’t even know and the question becomes meaningless, because there is no meaning whatsover.

You don’t know why, but like the meaning behind infinity during a lesson or space, you have to wrap your mind around it, some fail the class, only unfortunately life isn’t school and there is no teacher and of course no God to fail those who never got their concepts and beliefs right, instead they thought that infinity was terminal.

So maybe he would live with me, regardless in what state, I just wanted to ease myself that in the two months to come, I might’ve been more than a Miles, surely less painful at least. 

“No, I think Jamie mentioned it doesn’t.” I pause. So does that mean...? “How long have you been with Alison?”

I ask her, but instead she just smiles, not asking back, head stretched back as if she would catch snow, but I leave it as such, she would talk very briefly of her girlfriends and it was more of the act of the moment than the behind, how they had met, never when and the phrame, Lana’s relationships were like a photograph they existed on paper and always stashed in her wallet and because you never knew the story, you could just presume. She was the person walking under rain with the umbrella. You just know it’s raining and you might see her heels. 

“Okay, then it doesn’t snow.” She stops and looks around. Maybe she doesn’t know her way well around. We pause at a cross roads when the houses start looking the same, the children all tucked in better weather inside and I point her to the next left turn and she just follows me, maybe hitting her heels harsher so that I could hear her. 


I was honestly just scrolling down, trying to keep up with the chapters being roughly 3.6, this one is around 3.7 yay! :D I was thinking if I should include the next scene, which I think holds the next turn of events, so I dunno do I just saw preview and stick the awaited character in? Yes, the dinner party commences finally in the next chapter with everything. 

I get awfully anxious and I've been just busy with everything so I just write around half an hour banging out to the word count, although I did a bit less than my goal today. 

I get awfully anxious, so thank you for everyone who told me that they've been enjoying my writing and the frequent updates for To Miles, specifically coolpaisley.  Everyone made this day go through, thank you, anon, non-anon, everyone.

I just get anxious because the plot was originally going to take different turns and well, Hince managed to steal the show as well to come from a minor character, same for Lana's arc which is much wider than it was going to be. 

I think what I like about Nanowrimo is how I write not knowing what will happen. Like they weren't supposed to meet Lana and Alison, neither was Alex supposed to walk to the Hince's (yup, Alison Hince right here and nee Kane xD) with Lana.

I always was excited to put Lana's on Matt's side through out the story and finally, I can realize the dream. They had all known each other, so Lana's more with Matt these days, so of course she's the one who hears his regrets and what not. I feel like I'm just talking backstory here, which either will be through out or has been to be honest. 

I have a hard on and off relationship with Miles these days, because it's like if I want a character to do something as a revengeful thing, it's easily Miles and he's always the opposite of Alex. In general they've always been a comparison through out the story, which I've always enjoyed doing it. I do love Miles as a character and I might sound bitter about him now, but to be honest, my lips are sealed and they've got lots of things to resolve. I honestly feel like if I talk, I spoil xD there's more of me already going through the universe in my head, not even linking but just watching, characters iterract and really.

I think one of my favourite minor things is still Jamie and Miles' relationship through out the whole thing, because it's awfully dynamic and has a lot of things to tell, like Alex's and Matt's and of course it's entirely different, while Jamie's and Miles' has gone sour, there's still a lot of love written back there. All relationships are fun to write, to be honest. Like I had this period and still do where I start shoving one theme through out and because they're posted and finished chapters at different times, maybe it's not as noticeable, I hope. Like To Miles explores polyamory heavily which Blue/Jacket touches on as well and also To Miles has cheating as being poly, I started musing on, because it's something just deviant to me. I dunno, I just blur it out when I'm into someone to Callie and we just gossip or whatever, so it was interesting to put myself in other's shoes and same for Blue/Jacket/Start Finding Passion they both explore cheating and from different sides, I enjoy taking like the idea of cheating and putting it in different stories, exploring how would the characters deal with it. Of course there's many more stores on polyamory and cheating. 

What I always liked about Hince is the fact that in To Miles my tongue never turns to say that he's a great person, because he's still awfully stale, harsh and he still went through his entire relationship cheating on Alison with her brother. Alex is surely far from a saint, because he still sends people off even if he has this naive nearly coming of age feel through out the story, Matt just fucks up, Miles pretty much being the harshest and even obsessive, because we all go insane once a relationship ends, anger just boils and strips us down. 

The fact that Alex and Jamie hide behind Miles' jammed turret was never intended and I was even laughing, that thank fuck for the jammed turret xD 

It's… quite a ride to pretty much start thinking in the same way how Alex does with his 'what about Miles' thoughts since it's a bit bordering with personal memories, it's in that moment when you still want to try and you fucking think a lot. 

I enjoy scattering thoughts which don't match Alex's but I can see Jamie writing and in general I like that even if this is Alex's journal, it has scattered moments and phrases of others. Also the more I wrote the more I enjoyed keeping things out, which he would keep out like Jamie's poems, just briefly mentioning. 

I get really angry how straight washed down history is, that's why I've been pretty much excited about researching more since I've been digging out more to write on, since well… someone has to fucking fictionalize history properly. 

I actually forgot about the gift, like Alex did xD

I've only been to a few cities in the US and to be very openly honest, I always avoided names not to get any city wrong as frankly if I mention cities I have been in them for a while at least enough to describe and I couldn't give that in To Miles. And I confessed that to Callie and she went all 'yeah, but they are the same and Alex's is a sailor' and I had been thinking how detached you should be from cities, I always feel awfully detached when I'm away and it takes me a while to adapt and then I forget the previous, so maybe it's just my depression, but I still get the detached feeling so I gave it to Alex and to be honest the more cities you visit, the more the same they seem. So that's how the whole monologue and thoughts came to head, pretty much summing everything together. And I recalled how when I was in school how much I hated how Russian literature (yup, me and Alex are on the same boat) would make the cities anonymous (or Nth city) and I had even written a school essay on it, because it ticked me off and I had researched to solely prove that no one could be bothered to properly give cities name in the most part of Russian literature. They did it to make it more realistic, protect identities and give the feel of a document, while in my case, it's just to generalize port cities and cities in general, because if you're alienated, all cities will seem the same, frankly. 

And I'm still writing in character, like I will attach to specific locations, but that's because I enjoy traveling but not too much these days. 

I always enjoyed writing Lana and I enjoy wee metaphor moments, like getting drawn as if it were the sea with aquarel or comparing Lana's relationships to knowing a photograph, in general I like describing closed, claustrophobic locations, so all my stories feel quite stuck in a bubble intentionally, that's why I love the fact that they're on a ship and I have all of it mapped in my head. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did, please tell me so. I'll have the next chapter up today-tomorrow (since the chapters are 3.6 +/- give it maybe the day after tomorrow)

Thank you so much



To Miles 39

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