“I feel like I’m still in love with something old... Some old memory and somehow my love just stayed attached to whatever happened. But people change, we keep loving the people, but never the change... sometimes.” He speaks a bit slow, looking at the wine glass, now playing the box with the last cigarettes.
“Anxiety is clouding up my mind, erasing my thoughts and making me love the past more because I don't see a lot of love around, I just see obligations and I am my own paradox with still loving a woman. I don't know where I’m going and where is the feeling...exactly.” He adds the word as if regretfully.
I just cough louder, covering my mouth-
Parallels keep rolling, as if two movies at the time, his fear, my own fear and somewhere the two movies clash and they are awfully bright in tones.
And I feel as if insomnia will just make the days longer, I remember before both me and Matt had left it seemed to trail on, all thoughts seemed to be scattered and sleeping at my parent’s was awful, as I had no idea what to expect during training and Matt kept trailing ideas in my head and looking back, I have no idea how we hadn’t been caught at the party and the more I tell myself about it, the more I wonder how real had it been, how real had it been that I had collapsed in a bed with him, the whole encounter and the ferris wheel and my own anxiety trickling down like blood from a wound and nothing seemed to ease me. My whole mind flaring up and the fact that me and Jamie had to depart was just making the day painfully longer.
He still holds my wrist and when he holds it tighter, the veil is pulled back from him and I can see around and thank fuck I’m not in a dress, this is no longer a marital ceremony because I wouldn’t be able to have one if I happen to have partners such as Jamie and Matt. I wonder how would it work with Karen who could just redress and marry any of her girlfriends and that would be all. I wondered what was her ideology, if she would do it, but then if I could, I would just do it so that at least some hassle was taken off my back.
“You want to head back?” And the insomnia just vanished one day and the fact that it even affected me as deeply, was the night afterwards, waking up, all the body aching as if I had some rough night and all the poison could be easily erased, that all could be discarded and I could be forgiven. But perhaps if I am the Devil itself I could forgive myself?
“Yeah.” I nod, Jamie tracing his thumb over my wrist and I look down, feeling my cheeks heat up and we instantly push ourselves back as the waitress comes to take the plates. Sometimes I get so anxious that memories leave me and I can’t even recall how it felt to eat the salad and I am left pondering how come it made it’s way into me and how come I had managed to chew so fast? That’s why sometimes I recall memories I never even felt at the moment and I myself become an unreliable narrator to myself.
We get the check and split it in half, as usual, me yawning as I get my wallet out and Jamie smiling softly and I just smile back, pausing before taking out the note. Sometimes I feel myself fade out as if I were just watching him from a distance and I myself wouldn’t exist.
As soon as he gives us our coats, he stands close to me.
“You alright, Al?” He asks and I just wish I could kiss him and I wonder if I would ever be able to strip that tape away from us, that we could be able to do it, instead I just smile at him, wishing I could, even briefly, softly and his lips haunt me with temptation as a python around my neck and instead I look at my shoes, graced by winter’s mud already. I sigh and we depart slowly.
One quick stop to buy cigarettes in a small, yet still open store, as I walk briefly from the one brief end to another as Jamie buys quite a few boxes. I’ve stocked up enough on the previous time and we had mostly smoked Jamie’s stash of cigarettes or I would end up betting candy as usual and then would exchange with Julian for cigarettes.
Even in the darkest of streets it was hard to hold from holding hands, but soon enough I went upstairs to the hotel, past the reception and opening the door, thoughts pumping in my mind, as I removed my coat, hanging it on the hanger, thinking of Jamie’s hands and lips all over my body. I bit my lip and waited for a while, even musing on a cigarette just to ease the tension and once he had entered the room, I banged the door shut, pressing him heavily against the door, Jamie pushing all our top clothes aside so that at least our chests were together, pulling him closer, already feeling night calling out on his soft stubble, as I keep kissing him. Nostalgia, love and memories come in vain. All seems to scatter with desire as I keep pressing him harder, as we both get more excited with a shade of tense.
I used to think that I’m too heartbroken to do anything, but eventually I ended up falling in love with different people, but Matt was still upon my mind, an old scar which never seemed to stop bleeding with no clue if the other man was wounded in the duel, he had fled before I even knew if I fired or not, let alone missed.
But you should push all the thinking away even if it wouldn’t be your advice to yourself.
We break the kiss, measuring our own oblivion and then continuing hungrily somewhere between where we had left off, pushing each other on the bed, I was tracing my nails on my back, pulling his lips with my teeth, causing a louder moan, perhaps a bit too hard as I could feel him yank the covers off from underneath us, the heater now realizing that we were reaching a deeper night and the room was far hotter, let alone from his presence, as I felt his hands pull my pants and underwear down, gasping at his hand grasping my erect cock.
I don’t know how much should I dedicate to you, because everything is so blatant to be about you, already.
If the body were to be my own in my hands, I would want to re-watch every word written on every inch of his body before falling into what death’s hands would feel like.
I sigh deeply, before holding my breath, clutching the bed covers, far too much dipped in ecstasy from his hand movements on my cock, as he locks his lips on my neck and I open my eyes to see his watching me and I feel far too unravelled to even hold myself together, as he keeps stroking up and down, before shifting to solely rubbing his thumb on the tip of my cock, then pulling my chin down and kissing me again as I moan into his mouth, barely being able to even do anything comprehensive, holding myself as he lets go and I’m left, heavily breathing as he just pulls me up into a new kiss, a bit less harsh and fast, kissing my cheek as I take his hand and push it lower, as he gets the hint.
I feel him slowly insert a finger inside me, as I moan even harder, grabbing his face with both hands and he doesn’t look too cool either, hair messed up and lips bruised with some essence of kissing as he pushes me back in, sliding a second finger, as he licks my lips and I clutch his back now.
I spread my legs and as soon as Jamie’s fingers are removed he positions himself and I gasp, biting my lip, as we both freeze before it adjusts and I tap his back as Jamie keeps kissing me, pulling me closer as he pushes inside deeper. We break the kiss and I pull his bottom lip with my fingers, my eyes barely opened from pleasure as Jamie presses his head against my shoulder, moaning softly, thrusting inside.
He bites my shoulder before managing to capture my lips again as I feel his hand slide between us to stroke me and I moan much louder than before, thrusting against his hand, as he keeps sliding inside me, pushing deeper and pulling me closer, the other hand digging into my hips, pulling me much much closer
as he spreads my legs even wider, thrusting harsher as I run a final time with my hands down his back, not even breathing anymore, eyes wide shut as I dissolve, screaming that I can’t feel my throat, coming and spilling all over my stomach and his hand, as he loosens and moans heavily against my mouth himself, as I feel him fill me in, moan after moan, as the gasping becomes harsher, reaching a peak and then we both collapse in a mixture of each other, Jamie’s lips softly pressed against my neck, one arm loosely on my chest. I find the energy to hold him in a soft hug, as I curse inside and cough lightly, feeling the raspy feeling find my throat.
Jamie smirks.
“Shut up.” I cough, barely holding a laugh myself. I swallow, my throat slowly gathering some courage to adjust itself. “It’s not as if it’s the first time, moron.”
“Yeah, but you hold yourself on the ship. I should take you out somewhere more often.” He nearly purrs and I narrow my eyes at his mock voice.
“Yeah, build a fucking house in the woods and fuck me sideways there. I reached my limit, I can barely feel my throat.” I rant, lovingly and exaggerated. I hold a cough back to hold his mocking laughter as well, as he props himself up to look at me from above and I stop thinking before he lowers to kiss me again, as I feel him fully leave my body as I sigh, feeling the odd hollowness after every sex session if I were to get fucked. It’s a slow detachment and departure from some odd lake, something far too mirror glazed.
I think the only downside or rather upper side of any time I would have sex with Jamie, is that I always feel like I keep doing runs forever and maybe that’s the way it should be, never suffice, never fully letting you down, always lifting you up and the body is as if in a permanent state of sexual frustration and maybe that’s what love is, a permanent state of sexual frustration because we ourselves are so primitive that we can’t even merge into one human being and soon enough it becomes even more complicated solely on the fact that we can’t only fall in love and when we do sometimes it scatters because I seem to hold too much love and all of it has different shapes and forms, all novels of different kinds filled with love, sweat and betrayal solely because I don’t seem to be too full of belief for the exact amount of all writers who just have one novel which is their life story, because we die not even each night, but we die with each partner just to realize that the holy water against our lips was solely their to feed us to let us realize that it’s not even debt, it’s our desire to be in debt only under not so dark lights as one would solely image or let themselves be immersed in.
My own head is in it’s own turmoil, the fact that I would be left alone, my own desire to solely talk to Jamie pushing me away and the rift between me and Miles, perhaps not noticeable at the canteen’s table during any of the meals, but everything seemed to make drift further and I didn’t even have an idea that Jonny and Carlos would trade books nearly silently, but then end up talking, letting someone else comment on what had someone else read and I had ben stuck rereading Russian literature in my spare time just to argue drunkly with Hince in his cabin, perhaps even the captain hat on me for the effect on who was talking. I feel like I need to learn that ignorance doesn’t die and that is my cross to bear and anyone’s whose thoughts seem to dwell with their wellbeing and confidence, the irony of being born into something which wanted to get rid of you seemed far too paradox for the rules to even be justified and for God to be dignified.
I feel like I could hang myself from a cross for the silence of attention. My thoughts were racing and I could feel my own anxiety building up, seconds lasting longer and days unfolding to be full paragraphs and novels just to be discarded by my own depressed state.
I’m wrapped in a web of lies and fake belief. I could feel a veil fall upon me like that faint dream I had months ago of a wedding and suddenly I didn’t feel like the bride anymore, yet I had a veil on and everything was cluttered outside and the noise was vile, as my anxiety seemed to seek me out just to pin me to the wall, it was much more simple when I would tell myself that Jamie was something I hadn’t wanted, letting yourself be loved is the worse thing to hear from someone’s mouth on your relationships, but it seemed to true, because no matter how you would toss and turn, their feelings wouldn’t change at least from who you truly were. If they wanted to leave it was a call for solely letting them love you without you in the picture up on a wall and you wouldn’t wear their veil they let you under.
Fear and betrayal cross minds, as I wonder how people see it different, how I would be judged like Miles or would be given a pat by Jamie. Maybe because I were the Devil, I were to fall in love with one and I wondered how twisted would Miles’ God being be, for judging just as pure as God would and would allow his fingers, touch and thoughts corrupt all of us for he had judged us on our impurity, but his own was never judged upon but read out to the morning’s soil as a prayer for harvest.
I would wrap myself with a cloak, but I’d want him with me.
The puzzle pieces don’t match and I can’t even find the corners I have found before.
Insomnia is when you’re falling asleep when you’re not trying and have crippling anxiety while trying.
“There is the atrocity of thinking that love mutates and specifically not your love. Because you know what you feel-” And he stops, as I cough lightly, anxiety rising and that’s when Jamie looks around and the closest he can do is grab my wrist and the other hand on my shoulder. “Alex.”
It’s not even lust, it’s desire for the whole being rushing in and swaying against the deck, him pressing me even harder into the bed.
Sex with said person has its own unique taste to linger more déjà vu through a lone night. And it keeps missing in more intense shades and it seems somehow far more tense in action than words could describe, something rising and nearly an in and out of body experience with far too much saliva, sweat and skin mixing with some rough raw human emotion which seems to shatter the being into something in comprehensive and softly vulnerable, something far too tender yet the passion far too burning with too much tugging. I think the only downside or rather upper side of any time I would have sex with Jamie, is that I always feel like I keep doing runs forever and maybe that’s the way it should be, never suffice, never fully letting you down, always lifting you up and the body is as if in a permanent state of sexual frustration and maybe that’s what love is, a permanent state of sexual frustration because we ourselves are so primitive that we can’t even merge into one human being and soon enough it becomes even more complicated solely on the fact that we can’t only fall in love and when we do sometimes it scatters because I seem to hold too much love and all of it has different shapes and forms, all novels of different kinds filled with love, sweat and betrayal solely because I don’t seem to be too full of belief for the exact amount of all writers who just have one novel which is their life story, because we die not even each night, but we die with each partner just to realize that the holy water against our lips was solely their to feed us to let us realize that it’s not even debt, it’s our desire to be in debt only under not so dark lights as one would solely image or let themselves be immersed in.
-
It's really bizarre that I've been writing without chapter breaks besides one and that's why this chapter and the next are 2.7k and ~3k rather than the previous 3.6k. I'll try to finish off the 50 k in the next few weeks, but I clearly see that I'll be writing this for the next few years xD I wonder how many though, but I've been thinking if part 2 will be shorter and how much shorter than part 1 and the epilogue itself should be huge, because I want to go over with what happens to the surviving ones, obviously. I don't think that's even a spoiler, because… obviously, it's war and some die. I'm mourning everyone as usual, already.
I dunno, I just love that it takes a big part of my life and that it's huge and has all these twists and turns and I can odd a lot of love interests to Alex to please my poly side, frankly.
It's also weird because I'm past chapter 45, but hey, I'm updating! I'm being good now XD
It's also weird writing about their last day before departure which is a bit ironic, because Callie aside, I'm in this odd longing state, which makes more sense writing Alex without Jamie, so it was odd writing that and I had to keep pushing myself to write the last scenes in these chapters, that I just kept forcing me, because it was nearly impossible. And me and Callie were LDR for a few years, so it's quite hard to recall how hard it was, obviously it was with Callie and it amazing, talking on hours to end and making surprises and of course that moment when I'd see her and realize she's not the screen anymore, maybe that's why I don't understand fully people who don't spend all the time with their partners, dunno, even if I'm poly I stretch to either be with either of, but hah, now it's just me and Callie :3 dunno, how she stands me, but not for me to stand myself xD
Oh and if you're on tumblr, make sure to check out my new user pic, I've got a recent Jamie and Miles :D xD I can't stop laughing at it, because even if I don't write them as a ship as often (ok, that was a lie, I do) anyway, they're there and grinning XD ah, I ship them.
It's really weird to dish out things I don't really think about, like love, how love changes and the thoughts of someone still venturing into said jungle, so it's very… weird and unexperienced. I feel as if I gained a higher level on a game app or something like that.
I kept musing on Jamie's sexuality within the story, but I just decided to keep him bisexual as intended, as his relationships seem really parallel with Alison/Alex or Alison/Miles if going on the big ones and even if I enjoy exploring sexuality and all the exceptions or how people go through your sexuality, Jamie in the story is very well aware of his attractions and is something given to him, really. I always muse on Alex, in general I go through themes and gay yet someone falls through, I don't think that's going to happen in To Miles, I explore that in other stories and in more depth, I like keeping Al pretty much just gay. I dunno, I've been angry as usual and I get annoyed at tumblr because frankly no one talks about the violence against gay men and the more I read through history the more I see really the division law-wise and society-wise, so of course the causes are different, but I'm really getting ticked off at the erasure trans and/or queer men are getting on tumblr, that's why I've been focusing more on writing queer men, even if I obviously prefer doing so and is the most natural. I'm just really disgusted and triggered, that I'm seen as a joke, but that never made me erase females or write them significally less. I still make my best to make Alison's arc big (even if she's an asshole, I'm not shoving the arc away now, I claim my fictional Alison thank you very much), Lana's arc big, Karen has a lot to go and there's a few female characters coming in. I still think we all need representation and yes, I may be shifting my attention, but I don't erase and I make sure to keep them important, specifically Karen.
But still the main focus is homosexuality within the navy and society and it would honestly offend me if someone would say "I love To Miles, Karen is the best and that's why To Miles is important!!! Girl power!" I would honestly be disgusted, because I've got other stories focusing on transwomen and women in general and ignoring that To Miles is about gay men, would be very ignorant, so please don't. I get really angry at In The Flesh for people saying that IT'S MOSTLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE OF STRONG GIRL CHARACTERS! YOU DUMBASS, IT'S ABOUT QUEER MEN IN THE FUCKING UK WHERE THEY BURN ALIVE AND KILL GAY MEN! GO READ SOME FUCKING STATISTICS!!! So, yeah, To Miles is about gay men thank you very much.
I guess because it's Alex's journal just like memories, I like popping in random scenes from the past which hadn't been described previously and frankly I came up with as I was writing, like Alex reading out in Jamie's hat.
I've been reading more on my mental health and even if I am dealing with it a lot better, I'm really thinking and trying to break down all the symptoms, like derealization is now… a discovery which makes much sense. I read that it was like watching a movie and giving Alex a veil seemed a symbolic metaphor I wanted to carry on, as a symbol of matrimony which goes through the novel as neither of the characters who are cis and gay can't have (BUT C'MON GIRL POWER, sorry I'm really ticked off) and basically, that's how it feels with derealization. Everything feels unreal and you even can't recall things properly, it's a really weird state but thankfully it's easy to deal with. It's kind of you get shut down and you watch reality and it depends how bad it escalates, really.
The "scariest thing is to be loved by someone" was actually told by my ex-therapist and it was really fucked up. I didn't agree with it and it was an awful turmoil because I would get pressed for my faith/fate belief and eventually I had to quit, but that sentence stuck in my head as something deeply wrong, yet I used it in a story to explore.
I like the analogy of Miles as God, if we were going by canon, since Alex and Jamie seem to be sinners and pretty much sending people to their death and Miles judging on his own mind, but never himself, I really like that… thinking. I like that I can hear someone else's point of view or explore as if I would hold it myself, when my own views on religion are different. I solely believe in fate, but I don't know how but there is something beyond us and there's too much evidence and I've spoken about it a lot, but I still feel presences and yeah, there's surely more than we think and we shouldn't venture, well, I wouldn't and I wouldn't suggest.
I had insomnia for a few weeks so of course I added a line about it xD
Alex's thank fuck I'm not in a dress is actually awfully symbolic for me as a stab because I don't like how people divide gay couples into some stupid straight boxes, because in this case it's still two men and always will be in their case.
I also dipped in the sentence regarding Karen, because she can still use the ignorance to her benefit which is what a lot of people did and frankly as fucked up as it is to be trans, you still get good stuff sometimes, like I'm happy that me and Callie can reproduce which is something some couples can't do and I've always wanted children. This is a bit weird to talk like because when you're a couple I even had a friend ask if I was pregnant already, ugh because everyone knows you want biological children, but it also makes the question of hormones something I should google on a not so tired mind xD
I legitimately get scared that my sex scenes are the same xD I can't really give them much toys and etc, due to time and pretty much they're left to their own means, so I always panic if my sex scenes are bad xD and actually sex scenes are the longer ones to write, because I can't really fucking join them xD I have to write, so it's a lot of sighing, break and carrying on in a few seconds xD
The italics is more of a Alex snippet of his own thoughts whilst writing this journal, I always think that he's describing the events only as they were being recalled in his head, going one by one and trying to keep it as it went, recalling his thoughts at the time, kind of like nearly life flashing before the eyes but not really.
I have a lot of I guess self-obsessed praise where I like lines I've written like "If the body were to be my own in my hands, I would want to re-watch every word written on every inch of his body before falling into what death’s hands would feel like." and to be honest usually those are a thought through out the day which I just quickly type in or write on the phone. I really like doing that, it's kind of me cheating and instead of writing poetry that how I sneak poetic lines in. Before I started writing poetry I remember I first went on my first Creative Writing course and I would get praise for those, that I knew where to break paragraphs and that was really flattering to hear, because I am awfully self-confident about my own writing and I'm scared what if this chapter won't be liked and what if someone still awfully dislikes Hince here.
In general every person will give you a sense of deja vu, depends on which memory it will revoke really during the odd deja vu xD
I think one of the most weird not really embarrassing moments is when you lose your voice after sex or it goes really raspy and aches. It's weird and funny xD and it's a fucking croak later for a good hour XD
So Alex was blessed with that today xD
I would get sad that I couldn't somehow become a merged being with Callie, because you've got all the shit single quotes all over like "you still die alone, don't wanna be single though1!11!!!" so those would get to me, I would get really ticked off that people disliked me and Callie dating coz we started dating when we were 15-16 so obviously people were more in a first love kind of thing and for some fucking reason, we were some target of "stop kissing, it's freaking me out" but they would make out with whomever once started dating. Ok.
So those were my thoughts, really.
I hope you enjoyed it and tell me if you did, I'll post earlier then >:D thank you!
<3
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