Wednesday, 22 January 2014


I don’t know who am I and I have too many thoughts running through my head, too many things locked away in a chest and I think the only thing which calms me down is the fact that I don’t think she knows either. Looking back I wonder how long have I been hiding this from myself, not knowing who am I, all thoughts bundled up and trying different things from chugging a bottle of booze gotten at a party and sitting close pointing at all the couples and wondering what is supposed to be attractive in boys.

I think I was the one who flung faster away than she did, she still tried, yet I was the first one to dip in the pool, everyone watching that someone older than anyone they had ever held hands with was with me instead of me just doodling and laughing with Marina sitting side by side and sometimes wearing matching shirts without knowing it.

I had been the one who had dyed her hair blonde as it had started to grow out and I had sulked when she had told me not to redo the roots even if it had looked good, I still felt sad  that she wouldn’t let me touch her hair and apply the dye to her roots as she’d keep glancing at the mirror. She had grown confident with a boy under her arm, yet she always made sure that her phone was turned off, keeping them at a horrid distance and I was happy that I wasn’t on the other end of the turned off phone and I wonder why.

The thoughts started creeping in, those which seem to shimmer during childhood, the clinginess to friends which are long gone and people asking if I were into girls and how my ex-boyfriend had asked me to make out with another girl for pure amusement. 

It had been on a different party, I didn’t seem to appeal to anyone and declining seemed to me like killing off the party so a black haired girl who claimed to be bisexual had kissed me, it had been a soft peck, but it had amused everyone and I had kissed her back before she had pulled back in, licking my lips and we had done a full french, whistling people and people commenting how hot that had been. 

I had been intoxicated and I had no guts to talk to her, only during the cigarette break I had done myself she had approached me and I had looked at her gold boots. 

“You seem nice.” She had paused, pushing her dark hair back. “I felt like we had an instant connection.”

I wasn’t thinking. 

“Me too.” I had smiled and I just thought that it had been due to the kiss, but soon enough her hands were entangled in another’s man’s hair and I had left to shortly get dumped by my said older boyfriend, not to try again and see Marina head off with more men, keeping even two at once, one being the Saturday one and the other the Sunday, she’d even call them that to their faces they just thought it had been due to their usual date day. They didn’t find out, Marina making sure and she had told me that drawing a heart on her cheek. 

I think the word doesn’t scare me because everything seems to flash far too naturally, but it’s the fact that I’ll be seen as something obscure, something deviant and because it is so queer with black paint throw on it that I might not get love back by the girl who travels through my mind. But the feeling spreads shot after shot, making me drunk, that when I stand the world spins and the pulse increases shooting through my ear. 

And what scares me is that I don’t know how will it unfold when we sit in class next to each other and Marina just doodles a few hearts and how her heels is going through her ex’s eye. 

I wonder too much and I long too much, my thoughts dissolving in the night as I’d fall asleep thinking of her back and weighting too many words which she’d spoken and clinging to insignificant looks when I know that none of them meant anything and I wondered how much would I hold until I would start wondering instead of tearing the wallpaper down with my nails in my mind, not even because it irritates me but because at night something yellow seems like a pleasant blanket to carry over the shoulders to a reality where my feet will wander by themselves and any turn can be unexpected. 

The more I feel the more I see that the withdrawal of her is like heroin withdrawal at a power higher than the one when I get her touch on my forehead at random moments when she just tries to be friendly.

“So do you have a crush on anyone, someone who makes your blood boil because they’re looking at someone else?” She asks me as she does her nails between classes with a file and I look at the small sunflowers she had read how to do online a few days before I had to give her some tips, which didn’t work for me but worked for her. Anxiety takes me by the throat and the next few days is when the click of her heels behind me rings that question again and again. 

“You should be cold towards them if you want them to notice you.” Marina had said her verdict sipping on a glass of coke as I was flicking channels, sitting on the floor, her on the couch as she took a strand of my hair after putting the glass down and took a few more strands and started braiding my hair. 

My heart is broken with paranoia and fear. With saying the wrong things and allowing the wrong actions to commence.

I can’t tell her that she’s driving me insane, flicking through television at night, neither of us yet in pajamas and the thought of sleeping over giving only me perverted thoughts and the fact that it’s the first one which is actually triggering me to lay my eyes on her. I think I’m also the ignorant here between the dance we’re both doing, maybe I think about dancing too much because we had used to be partners, both of switching, because neither of us could find a male partner and now I wonder is it simply because God had intended neither of us to have a male lover to depend on and all seemed distant. So she keeps doing her nails with the sunflowers and I wonder how will I let the night last and dissolve without even asking her anything.

I wonder how long will I be able to keep my thoughts under the lock when I believe that my looks and how I hold her longer, pulling her closer will keep both of us oblivious and I keep looking at her lips under the pink gloss and then she looks at me and I can only pray to keep imagining a crystal clear image of both of us kissing. But it doesn’t last long as she smiles and shifts her attention back to the television screen. 

Then as if she couldn’t hold anymore, she turns towards me her blonde locks bouncing and I want to put my hand in her hair, ruffle it as we grind against each other. My whole body aching now as well, as I don’t think I can focus on her words and even rivalry seems so distant to even consider. 

Her dark eyes sparkle, but I try to live under the illusion that when her mouth speaks of the male crush, how I have to try and guess as she sits facing me in a half turn playing with the nail file, a bit embarrassed as if I were her mother and she were confessing a crush, she always gets shy even if it’s never seen and boys are always under her heel. 

As Marina keeps describing him she keeps flicking through the channels, the time much after midnight and the parents gone to some event and of course it never occurs to them that Lana might just be into Marina and her only thoughts are to go down on her. I think even my own lust has overshadowed my love, the realization just dawns on me, overthrowing all my reasoning as I watch her talk of this Matthew who had managed to sleep with someone else I wasn’t too close with and I watch her talk.

“But that’s the thing... I know he has sex, but I need to hold myself, y’know.” Her voice intoxicates me and I want to mute her thoughts of other men, but then it’s not just men, it’s other people.

“So?” Is the only thing I say and I’m sitting in a hoodie, facing her and she’s in a pink dress, I couldn’t be bothered my fingers trembling that I could barely apply eyeshadow and mascara today with the thought that I’d see her again and let my mind get an image of us kissing once more. 

“Of course I’d be sexually frustrated-” She stops smiling lightly, all we’ve done is gone to a sex store once and poked each other with dildos and left it. I had managed to get my courage and buy an item which I had discarded for a month and then started using the vibrator, but that was something I wanted out of my mind for the moment and the image of putting it inside Marina seemed far too tempting. I gulped. 

I laugh lightly, lowering my head down and Marina just laughs as she reaches the collection of porn channels. 

“You’ve got a wide variety, Lana.” She smirks and keeps flicking through all the girls which encourage you to call them until she stops at some lesbian porn, at least a scene as far as I’m aware of and that’s when my cheeks flush and Marina grins, biting her lip and we watch the girls in silent for a while as they are still undressing and it makes me feel far too uneasy, it triggers too much and I feel quite wet and I feel as if she’s teasing me and I notice that her own eyes are glued on the screen. Not everyone is 100% heterosexual. I guess I’m trying to either stretch or squeeze in the 1%. 

I keep watching her and I don’t do anything and frankly I get more aroused from looking at her. I don’t know what to do and I just watch the two girls please each other and the setting is so cliche even among me and Marina but then that’s how you learn about sex, it’s usually someone showing you or flicking through a porn mag, both heads bent down and wondering if anyone would catch. 

My body aches all over from not touching her everywhere. I think the tragedy of humanity is that we don’t know what the other wants and sometimes neither does the other person you think about, so I don’t do anything even if my mind had let me wonder thinking that I could just kiss her and everything would evolve, even if I had acted she still has her boyfriend which she will wank to by herself and bat her eyelashes to tease him and I don’t think I like the concept of friends with benefits, so all I do is smirk it off, not mentioning all the love I’ve written on my cheeks and I flick the channel off for her to just bat her eyelashes at me too, hiding her thoughts as well but a different light of desire to exclaim under. 


This is a bit of a request jump but I've been writing this for quite a while and rather slowly letting everything change and flow with my mood and course of life, I guess. 

The idea for the title was Queen of Disaster then I was thinking plural before just leaving Disaster. The idea for Marina to be paired up with Lana was pretty simple as Marina is good looking and she has something about her even if I don't really like her songs which is the opposite of Lana who I adore. I love Lana and yeah djgjhvgjs Of course the ideas of Lana and Marina were based because I love Lana, she likes Marina pretty much, even if the characters specifically don't match us and frankly I'll talk more on Marina later as the story progresses as she'll have a trait which I have which will be I guess a key in the story

Of course bear in mind like any break up, it has its colours down on your life and thoughts, so yeah. So the chapter was going to end with another turn, but I'll keep quiet because it might progress still that way later. So of course I've been more moody and Callie has been supportive as always, I guess if it's not obvious or if you've missed it, I'm poly and I think I've reached a point where I've accepted or coming to accept myself. 

I hope you enjoyed the story and I'm sorry for not updating too often and I'll try to write more, I'm sorry and yeah depression has also been the brick on my head, pulling me down and frankly I think I've been like Stephen from Well of Loneliness when Angela leaves her and she has the depression where you simply can't write, but I'll try to turn it around

So basically if you like any of my stories say so and poke me to write the next chapter, I'd love to and in general I'm happy to chat about anything right now, so feel free to poke me on tumblr I'm pretty friendly even if moody xD

And tell me if you enjoyed it and request a new chapter

Anyways, thank you

And all of a sudden Jack White has the best break up songs. 


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