Monday, 27 January 2014

Gandalf's Inhaler 14

Alex has to leave and I have to meet up with Matt, so we have a brief kiss before we depart, arranging to have the night tomorrow and I regret not kissing him deeper, as I had felt anxious, I had felt far too anxious to kiss him again, my mind trying to bring the moment of departure closer so that I could go to sleep straight away and have Biology. I wondered if I will stalk the classroom, like those girls did a week ago and I would just wonder why the fuck would you even be stupid enough to go for someone older.

It just didn’t seem to make sense to me, you’re different. I guess I still had the childish thought that 13 year olds wouldn’t dare to be seen with the 12 year olds. But now it would be me and I wanted to kiss him, pull him closer, pull down his jeans-


At least we’re fucking tomorrow and that is the thought which warms my heart as I keep recalling our date. I look at the sleeping Breana and Matt and I wonder

What do I have to lose?

I still didn’t get my diploma and frankly, I’m not the asshole.

I take out my phone, curse at how I should’ve waited until we get back to the dorms and I start writing the e-mails, attaching the right files, which takes ages and I pretty much choose any organization, for the love of fuck, I’ve worn their shirts for Coming Out Day, please tell me that at least they were on my side.

I wrap the scarf tighter, imagining that I’m leaning against Al’s shoulder and he’s kissing my cheek, before I drift off. It doesn’t matter we’ll get chucked out on the last station, so we all sleep. And we do that, the evening is spent with all us thinking that we should really start decorating even if it’s a tree out of loo roll, we do need something and they all know I’ll be clinging to Al. I feel a bit embarrassed, but they don’t. We send texts and I count the average amount it takes him to reply. 

I don’t expect any organization to reply soon,

but in the morning, with a piercing silence I wake to an e-mail.

I’m not qualified. 

I don’t even wake up Matt, all I do is get a scarf, a bizarre choice and I put on my jeans, a sweater quickly pulled over and I head out with no morning hygiene done across the damn campus, some fuckers are awake and I’m sure some of the fuckers got places. 

I keep walking, wondering when will everything be covered in snow, when will everything be covered in lava, all is disgusting and all I can comprehend is Alex’s sleepy face as he opens the door, all his hair brushed from sleep to one side and a confused yet blissful smile on his face as he motions for me to walk in.

He kisses me briefly and even yawns into the kiss and I feel guilty that I barely kiss back.

“The college said that I wasn’t qualified.” I don’t even cry, I just stand still as Alex pales up.

“What?” He’s in his pajamas and just the kitchen lights are on. All blinds are fully closed and I feel so numb that he’s maybe in a more explicit state of shock than I am. 

“The procedure said that the college has been contacted and after that... I’m disqualified. I don’t even have the fucking diploma-”

“What do you mean-”

“They never gave it to me. I tried getting it, they just ignored my e-mails.” everything is shattered and broken and I can only think of the people who think that homosexuality is a decease getting their places for next year again. I don’t want to lose university again.

I’m broken.

I can’t hear Alex who tells me to sit down as he gets his laptop and starts searching something and he asks for my e-mail as I give him everything, my mind fuzzy and I can’t cry instead there’s this horrible pain going through all of my body, replacing my blood, my breathe shattering and my vision oddly there, bright showing me how Alex frantically searches for something and then he even gives a few calls, pacing around and that’s when I press my head against the kitchen table and start crying. 

And here’s to the fact that I went to sleep thinking that I’d wait until everyone would be gone and I’d undo the lab robe and make out with him in the classroom, Al noting that we should be careful, but instead I’d continue, pinning him to the table, sliding-

I cry harder.

I should’ve reported earlier.

I should’ve went further, I should’ve told everyone my parents, the press, everyone, I should’ve left that damned college, the damn city, but no I stayed and wondered how long will it take for the bruises to heal, how long

how fucking long.

It’s the flick of a light, it’s either depression or some dumb plastered hope on your face as I see Al as he gives me the laptop and tells me what to write as I edit and I hope I’m not late, I had woken up with enough time and soon enough he kisses my forehead, but I feel open, I feel nothing, I don’t know where I’m heading and I don’t know how to prove things when I’m accused of being a liar. The most common question they ask during CBT is what would you tell a person who’s going through the same thing as you are?

That’s the thing, I don’t know, how would I suggest them something if I can’t even help myself. But then a shit ass country has shit ass solutions. 

And I get anxious over everything and all is used against me, all the good cards are just shoved back into my hands and I get told that I’m lying as if it’s a game of bullshit. 

And I’m always the one to blame even among my family, sure, I’m here, but they’ve got their thoughts, their moments when they just go Miles, you didn’t study hard enough and I just nod it off and the thoughts of me being dumb in biology still creep on and I have no idea how this kind of bullying is legal and even if I were to commit suicide, I’d just get a few necks to turn to my direction, get poked with a stick to see if I’m dead and they’d leave me hanging, knowing that I’d decompose sooner than them bothering. 

I feel like collapsing but there’s nowhere to drop and nowhere to keep falling, there’s just nothing some sweetened death because I still get my memories and fear keeps running around in the cage of myself and I wish I could shoot myself to make it stop and then come back with Alex’s eyes staring into mine and something resolved. 

And I have to talk, I have to ask and explain. And I don’t know how I manage and my soul just freezes over when I do so, not understanding what I’m asked yet Alex mutters what to reply his fingers against my neck and I don’t know if I’ve just done enough crying or there is much more to come. 

The fear which comes is like a tsunami, leaving me bewildered, that nothing might happen, that everyone will go forward and I will be left with no uni and nothing to cling onto besides Alex and even that seems to be of doubt. 

I check the time and I have to leave, Al tells me to come back after the lesson, that he’ll be waiting for me and we can both head to Biology and he asks me if he should ask me more often today and I nod, as he pulls me closer and I feel full with his arms pulling me closer, some numb medicine which makes me forget the buzzing even if my whole body is aching and shredded. We’ve made the calls, we’ve sent the appeal and I have to pick up my books. He offers to walk me back, but I decline instead pressing him against the wall and kissing him far too harshly and I’m thankful he’s here when I fall. My mind is still numb and a dumb smile plays on my lips as I leave depression coming in waves, as I walk on out of his building. 

Everything should be a domino effect, but I guess it’s not always specifically your domino which falls. 

As I open the door I don’t even notice anything as I take off my shoes, just noticing two silhouettes which jump from each other and I just close the door, not even registering the bloke who had been in Matt’s arms until I raise my head and I see his hair with a blue strand in it and his shocked face, as Matt just sits on the bed. 

I proceed to go to my half, I open the drawer and I take out the textbooks. 


I turn around to look at them. They’re not in each other’s arms anymore with Matt just staring at the ground. 

“It’s not for me to tell-” But Matt cuts me off. 

“...Did something happen in the morning?” He asks trying to change topic, the bloke staring now at his beaten up sneakers which still manage to have something appealing in them and his whole attire seems like nothing I’ve ever seen Matt or me even look at. 

“I got disqualified.” I mumble.

“Shit, man, Matt t-told me...” The dark haired bloke points at Matt. 

Depressed people act more calmly to shocking factors. And I’ve had my worst blow already. I’m stuck with no education, me, Miles with no education when people don’t know what they want and I’ll have to work in Starbucks if I’ll be lucky to work there. 

I just freeze.

“He told you?” I snap and I don’t hold and I chuck a book at Matt. Breana. I can’t even imagine her face. “HE FUCKING TOLD YOU?”

I actually scream and my whole body is shaking. Breana doesn’t deserve him. I wasn’t close to her, but she’s lovely and I always thought that he had loved her, neither did I know that Matt had been attracted to men. I recall how he always spoke fondly of her. But he always spends time with-

Or does he?

I shudder thinking of the condoms. It doesn’t always have to be from Breana. 

Maybe that’s why he’s so aware of gay Sex Ed. 

I can’t look at him. 

I walk up over to him.

Breana doesn’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this.

I don’t touch him, I just shake in front of him as he raises his blue eyes on me. 


And I turn around, leaving the feather man standing in the middle of the room, confused, as I leave. 

I want to find Breana and tell her, maybe it’s the grief I want to share and see someone else’s world collapse, see how her eyes would be, to see my own reflection. My world jumble up together and are too sticky to be pulled apart, but I’m far too close to be late, so I just head out and I keep walking, past the people who are like jigsaw puzzles ready to be lost and never to fill in the big picture. I want to scream in the crowd and to plaster myself against the walls, but I keep walking until I’m in and all I think is about failure, how I was destined to be pulled apart. 

I didn’t even ask them how long has this been going and all I can think of is that the bloke knows about me, so they have some bond of trust and the sperm in the condom can also be the bloke’s not just Matt’s, which makes me shudder again and glance towards the window which catches the English teacher’s eye and I stick my head back into the book, wishing for Biology to start...

while I can have it. My shoulders give a shake. I’ve got a hysteria with no tears and I try to concentrate on reading the words, but odd excitement fills me up to see Alex, but fear seems to hammer me and I see the bloke dancing with Matt for some odd reason and it makes me wish I would collapse just to wake up with Al’s fingers entangled in my hair. 

I’d never cheat, I think I’ve got enough love to make me pull my life together for a brief moment until I recall that I’m not getting in and a suing process is about to begin. 

And once I head out of the classroom I see the feather man waiting for me and he gives a shy wave as he makes his way towards me and he’s taller than both me and Matt and he seems to be relaxed yet anxiety seems to be piercing his being and he approaches me even if I feel like hitting him even if I know that both him and Matt share their guilt, the blanket they’ve hidden quite well under, the elephant in the room both me and Breana seemed to be oblivious to. She stings upon my fingertips as I think of her, but instead I just look at him. 

“Look, sorry, I mean...” He stops and looks at my shoes. I just shuffle and I start walking as he begins to follow me, I turn around to glance at him as he is about to put his hand upon my shoulder and I’m guessing to squeeze it. “I just want to be your friend.”

The nerve.

I keep walking, I try to increase my pace, but the bloke doesn’t seem to mind and I look at his clothes, how they are quite beaten but seem to be intended to look like that and he is-

It’s odd,

he also has a degree of attachment to men, but I’d never be attracted to Matt and he seems like out of all a different witches’ cauldron. I never thought I’d be dazzled at someone who is simply not in polos or slightly goofy shirts, but his entire outfit seems to be like a great big Vogue and yellow pages cut out. 

I am begging for somehow the corridors to end and how all my memories and old lost dreams seem to be misguiding me as I keep walking, my body still shaking. I don’t even know what to reply to one of the halves and why is he here and why is Matt not here, is it because his tongue is down Breana’s throat right now and his mouth always taste of another blokes’ that she never noticed? How long have they known each other?

I want him out.

“I’m Julian. Look, I’m sorry that you... walked in on us, I guess it’s better than if I was blowing him off or something no? I mean, you could’ve walked on me getting the cum out of my hair or something. That would be odd...” He stops. I just stop to stare at him. He hugs himself, but still tries to look at me in the eye for a moment he seems to try to put his guard up, but instead he just smiles a bit forcibly. 

“Look, Matt cares about you, that doesn’t... change anything. I mean, not that he wants to fuck you, I mean, well, not that I’m aware of and...” I don’t pin him against the wall, I just feel my teeth clenched too tight together and I’m nearly next to Biology. 

“I’ve got Biology.” I actually snap and I want to actually shove him against the wall and do the same with Matt, my close friend who I wasn’t even aware of that he was banging some other bloke. 

“But we’ve still got the break...” His eyes widen. Julian holds up his hands. “Oh, right, of course! Shit, man, I forgot. Yeah. Fuck, I forgot.”

He goes silent and starts digging into his pockets. 

I don’t even get to say a what. 

“I had it...” He takes out a wrapper from his back pocket and I look at the brown wrapper. “Whiskey flavoured.”

I actually shove him lightly, just for my content and I open the door, closing it behind me as I see Alex spin on his chair before he grins seeing me, we both have a moment when our mind rushes to the contents where we had to see each other this morning, but we ruffle it off. Alex motions for me to lock the door and I do.

I think when your world collapses, you let your tension build up and I think that’s what happened to us and I meet him half way and I pull him close by the lab coat, letting my fantasies unravel as I take his coat off and pull his t-shirt up, biting his neck and letting my lips travel to his chest as I bite his nipple, hardening from his reaction as I start kissing my way down as Alex leans against the table. I go down on my knees.

“Don’t you want to fuck me facing the table?” He smirks, his breathing much heavier and his hand pulling my hair as I am kissing right above his jeans line. I lick the skin as I start unzipping his jeans, flipping him off as I kiss him over the fabric as well, anxious about the lack of time but I don’t bother waiting, my mind far too contaminated with sex and thoughts luring me in as I pull his underwear down, feeling bad for some odd reason as I glance around remembering how I’d listen on all random places and with that odd thought I recall the first time I had seen Alex goof off and how he always does before the lesson.

I think guilty of me for hoping that sometimes I had passed in his thoughts, even if I was a mere wonderer. 


I'm sorry that's it's nearly been two months without GI, as a lot of things showed up with my own discrimination situation and it had been quite rough and I started letting out my feelings in this chapter in the beginning, slowly paragraph by paragraph as it was hard to write and as the situation went on, it was hard to recall things which had happened and I felt horrid for Miles and thankful for Al in the story. 

GI still has a massive plot in the whole of homophobia and the education system, how it discriminates, so yeah. But today I just felt like going on forwards as I have days when I don't actually feel like writing about super depressed stuff haha xD While I was talking to my gf I started discussing Julian how he is going to show up in this chapter of GI and she was getting scared because she had no idea what he's doing here xD 

Julian in GI and his plot came from seeing some photo of him I can't recall now unfortunately and his whole plot came to me a long while ago and here he is and I was scared of using him as I love Matt and Breana, but I still want to go forward with this plot and there's a lot for them in store as well, so yeah.

And um the sex scene? Oh everyone is fucking all the time in my stories already and when you're tense you either want to fuck all the time or you don't and I can't blame either of them I'd fuck either or both o.o

I hope you enjoyed it and I hope I'll have more updates now :O

Feel free to request and tell me what you think:3



  1. Hey! its been a while and wow, I really really like this especially after how calm chapter 13 is, the tense and emotional nature of this chapter is so full on, like holy crap, I could just feel it as I was reading.

    i love the addition of Julian. and i think its nice he wants to be friends, I'm interested to see where that goes and what happens next!

    I hope your doing alright now though you could really see a lot had gone on for you in this chapter and It honestly is my favourite chapter of all of them so far, the addition of the sex scene was a nice treat too!

    have you got the next chapter? cause I'd love to read it!

    thankyou for such awesome and inspiring writing.

  2. hjghfgjgvjdfgvjdfgjv!! hjvgdfjgv

    Thank you!!!:3 :3 :3 It is tense and I've went through a lot and I was slowly writing this chapter as things went up and down and etc. I'm so so happy you liked it!!!:)

    I really like Julian in this story a lot, dunno, I'll keep quiet but yeah :3 He's an interesting addition indeed :3

    Well, I am doing better, thanks, but there's still a lot to do and it's a lengthy process and it's still a horrid thing to go through, that's the thing. But all is much better and well, all will be better:)

    jhscgjdshc!!! Thank you:3 I'm happy that you love this chapter as I was quite nervous about it to be honest! Haha, I love sex scenes both reading and writing them so yeah xD

    I don't have it written yet, I'm slowly writing it but you inspired me cfdhgsc I will have it up once it's done please keep checking!!:)

    Thank YOU so much, you inspire me and I think I'll write a bit of GI. I just really want to support other people to show that you're never alone and you'll always be loved.

    Thank you so so much, you've made my day:3


  3. Oh goodie! I'm glad you got my message :D yeah I understand it takes time to recover and push forward, Ill always be here for writing support :)

    its all good, take your time writing, i don't mind, it gives me a way to break off from the hectic time around me. and i really connect with the characters which is why i love it so much.

    your stories ALWAYS make my day, so I'm glad i could make yours.

  4. Thank you so so so much, sweetheart for your support! I'm not having the best of times now, but I'll be fine:) Sorry that I haven't replied I get too shy sometimes so yeah xD Thank you!!!

    I actually want to write more now since I finally don't have useless weight on my back in the form of lies, so I'm cool xD

    Thank you:3 I really wanted my characters to be easy to associate with and because we don't have good mental health representation or LGBT in the media I really focus on my characters. And also polyamory as well, so yeah, but GI doesn't touch it xD but it's still a heavy subject through out my stories. I really want people to read it and find what they cannot find in the media because people support it and in the end it becomes an endless cycle of assholes supporting assholes really.

    Thank you so so so much!!! I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter of You're Not Coming Back Again which I posted yesterday :3 I believe the next update will be To Miles :3

    Thank you again so so so much!!!:3


  5. hehe thats alright dear, Im glad things are better. I cant wait for more I just love all your writing. Don't worry if it takes a while to respond, I can take a while too XD.

    I personally think that there needs to me a more accurate representation of both mental health and LGBT in media because, almost all my friends are LGBT and/or I know someone or myself who have had a hard time dealing with mental illness and Its really upsetting to actually come across something that inadequately represents both and the problems that they face. Which is why I've found it so easy to relate to your characters. I think you're doing a wonderful job, I've shared your storied with some friends and they've helped them, I think that you should definitely get a book done sometime in the not too distant future. :)

    "endless cycle of assholes supporting assholes" that in itself is just brilliant, sad but true.

    I just cant wait for more! keep up the amazing work. don't stop because once the magics drifted its hard to get it back . but don't worry if it does drift it'll come back :)

  6. You have no idea how much this means to me. I nearly started crying and I stared at this comment for half an hour. Thank you, thank you so so so much, this really means a lot to me and I am still speechless!:)

    Thank you, they are slowly but much better than they used to be, so much better now, haha? xD I've been writing more and I seem to be writing many stories at once instead of my usual cling onto a chapter of one story until it's done xD so yeah :O many updates? fuck yes? xD Thank you so so much!!:)

    I completely agree with you and I try to do everything in my power and through my writing to give the best I can really and also the fact that it's online is really because I want everyone who wants to to read it, really, because I know how hard it is to buy a book from the bookstore or order if you'll even have that book in the first place:)

    Thank you for sharing, that…made my week really that my work is worthy of getting shared just like I would spread books back so yeah. I dunno, I'm really speechless and dumbly smiling :)

    The fact that I help people is what helps me going even through the hardest of times, that somehow I make a change with what I go through.

    Actually, you mentioned a book, well dun dun dun, I will be publishing volume 1 of To Miles soon as soon as the part 1 is over (should be in a few chapters so yeah:) ) I am pretty much asking if anyone would be interested, so yeah and I was thinking of doing Gandalf's Inhaler and You're Not Coming Back Again together once they're done:) so don't worry, books coming ahead :D

    That's unfortunately what's going on in life. Ugh.

    Thank you so so so so much! I'm back to normal with binge writing xD haha, I'm back and I'm happy :3 thank you so so much for your support, it really means a lot to me. Thank you

    Thank you so so so so much


  7. holy shitstorms i haven't been back in ages, I got really sick so I'm uber sorry I haven't read anything. but i just saw your tumblr post.. actually not sure how long ago you posted it but........ definitely pleaaaaaase keep this going. I'm going to catch up on Bar Eyes tonight. and the next chapter of GL!

    I'm so glad that my comments help to motivate you! I think working on a spread of things is great but a balance is good so still have something to cling to :P I also still relate to your stories a lot and often find myself pondering about them a fair bit actually.

    You have to let me know whats up with the book cause I totally cant wait! I've been working on photo books (cause I'm a photographer XD) for my assessment so I know how pressing it can be to put a book together thats totally kickass!

    I saw AM friday night and I have to say they were amazing utterly life changing.

    How are things, I am sorry i haven't been around much, being sick and having this horrid uni stuff to get through really has drawn me under the weather. But I'm eager to see more work :D More GL please :D

    <3 much love

  8. Don't worry!!! I'm sorry that I took a while as well to reply!!

    How are you feeling? Any better??? Get well soon!!!!!:)

    and don't worry I'm obsessed with writing and I've actually written a lot just that it happens that all chapters which I've been writing aren't finished but nearly all have at least 1.3k written already xD and yeah :D

    Ah, I hope you enjoyed both of them!!!:D I dunno, I'm quite proud of both of them because I just love Bar Eyes and GI is very important to me and it became much closer to my situation now as well:)

    They do!!!:3 They always do:3 :3 thank you so so so so so much:3 Pretty much :D haha, I guess the one I cling onto is To Miles still and will be because it's so fucking big that it's ridiculous XD and there's much more coming up and everything seems to be building and derailing from the plot and then the plot comes in and it's so big and gah, I love it xD but yeah, I really enjoy having a bunch at once so that they don't have like a thought which the character wouldn't have at the moment:) because I tend to be like "oooooh, this is a good idea" and then I think where can I fit it into:)

    AH! :D I'm happy I cause you to do that?:3 Haha if you have any theories to what is gonna happen, I'm happy to hear them xD I always ask Callie to see what the reader thinks what will happen:3

    And I'm so so happy that they are relatable, because well, I kind of intend and want them to:3

    Oooooh:D yay! I'll work on it once I finish the last chapters of Part 1 which is slowly closing up:) just a few pretty much key scenes left so yeah:3 Ooooooh :D are are of them anywhere available to see?:3 Yeah, it's quite troublesome as I did self-publish once on Amazon (the bloody link is still on the sidebar here xD) and yeah XD but I want something different which doesn't involve people paying a ridiculous amount of money and I want more freedom for the cover and etc:) and I've been really struggling with what should the actual cover be xD but thank youuu:3 I'll surely keep you updated :3


    I'll be seeing The Kills soon, so I'll be crying over seeing Jamie live XD no, I'll just cry XD because I've been really into him lately and I've been checking out his past projects and in general he's quite fascinating as a person:)

    I've been quite anxious about things and I guess a big kind of event was the fact that me and Callie got assaulted and robbed, which got me PTSD, but it inspired me to write it in a story which maybe will be up today or tomorrow:3 so yeah, keep checking whenever you can really :D

    Don't worry!!!:3 And again I have a bunch of things typed up they just need to have like the final scene in the chapter and ready to be posted, yay :D haha, no worries, I will write it as soon as I have the chapters I'm working on up :3 (To Miles, PDD, Settle A Quarrel, Blue/Jacket, Blue/Jacket Prologue and the new Jamie/Brian Molko story :D) so yeah I've got to finish those first but I might just randomly start writing GI now that you inspired me and I should have it up soon:3

    How are youuu?:3

    Thank you so so so so much for your support and thank you:3


  9. hahah omg we have a lot to say each time! XD.

    firstly, I am utterly sorry that you and Callie we're assaulted that is freaking awful, i hope things are alright for you now. that is shit that shouldn't happen and it makes me sick when it does.

    How much was the amazon book? Im so curious about amazon cause I'm from Australia and like I don't even know if we can buy from amazon here hahahahah that probably sounds so stupid but there is some cool stuff on amazon... it got cooler hearing about your older book being on there XD but yeah.

    If in my designing/arting field hear of anyways to make a book writing wise i'll pass it on to you :).

    And yeah this week i learnt how good it is to have a few projects to work on, ideas need to flow and go to places so its always good to have other places to put the thoughts that just appear. I'm pretty much the same when it comes to random thoughts of " ooohhhhh thats cool where does it fit" XD

    I've been better but you know getting there. i broke my nose the other week and was diagnosed with chronic fatigue so ya know XD things could always be better buuuuuuut they could be worse so yeah. i dunno ill just keep plugging away as usual :)

  10. XD sorry about that! And sorry for not replying straight away as I've been really tired with the whole tooth thing and everything T__T

    Ugh, it kind of is very very common for Brazil?… So yeah, it's gross and I'm using it for a story, so that story should be up soon, so far the first chapter has 2.6 k words o.o I just want to finish describing the assault so I don't stretch it to two chapters:) and things are lighter in the story later :D I think I've told enough about it, but it's the Alex Turner/Julian Casablancas request so yeah:3

    ah, shit, I don't remember but the shipping made it ridiculously pricey >.> is the link XD

    ah, cheers xD yeah it is cool I guess haha xD but I'll be spreading the book via etsy I believe:) gah, I need to concentrate and finish the first part of To Miles XD just a few chapters left really. Gah, I love it so much but I'm scared what if people aren't happy with the ways things are heading right now in the story XD

    Ah, cheers :D please do:3

    Pretty much XD but it's getting in the way I have like 7 stories with nearly finished chapters all at least 1.5 k XD so Callie keeps saying that soon enough I'll have one update per day if I finish all chapters all of a sudden haha XD
    Pretty much and I think the story just benefits because it doesn't have the character doing OOC stuff or thoughts:)

    Ah! I wish you to get better soon!!! I feel you, I've been pretty down lately but I should get better :)

    Also I'll be seeing The Kills eeeeeeeeeeee I think I'll just cry and that's it XD