Friday, 7 February 2014

To Miles 24

Everything makes sense when depression comes to me when I see it even from behind, its cloak reminding me of the death but the scythe melancholically lying on the side near Miles’ bed, maybe to remind myself what was long lost.

Matt comes to my mind as well, far too often and sometimes I don’t even know who I send off, I just ask for their name, wondering how much my body still manages to get excited and I’ve heard that sticking your hand in ice makes you feel alive so when I stick in it milk one morning I get a stare from Julian who sips on his coffee, as Miles sits as far away from me as possible.

His voice had cracked, whole body shaking, teeth chattering, eyes red. 

“S-ship sank. You fucker killed him.” Miles grabbed me and shoved me back against the bunks. “You killed Pete!”

I’m such an ungrateful bastard that for a second with the splitting cheek, the dreams still provided me pillows of comfort to glance at Miles before the pain came back and death blackened my existence. All my being shatters and the thought of Pete in drag comes back to me, pulling both my hands, grinning and deceased doesn’t seem to match his face. 

My mind blanks it out too often, but instead I get more chest tore open as I lay in bed.

It got worse.

Two lovers were killed.

The news of Carl’s suicide travelled like fire and it seemed to scare everyone so I had to stay in the cubicles for half the night praying and if not I’d come back to Hince and undress, my eyes closed as his lips would remind me of the death I’ve been sending off people too. I was the one waltzing alone in the room now with no lovers at any side and just Hince clapping in the distance. 

Julian seemed like a timebomb, as I had days when I just wanted to send him away but I had kept the loop around my neck, Julian still on my side, but spending more time with Carlos who seemed immersed in his own weird things and novels he and Julian seemed to exchange pretty often. 

I think I was also convinced that my lovers weren’t in love with me anymore and watching Miles sleep even through dark felt as if the thin curtain which I could break with my fingers was suddenly thick and painful to touch. Sometimes I was too irritated at him and sometimes I just wanted to reach out to him and just to stare at him in the dark where he couldn’t see me, but talking to him would send me shivers and sometimes both Matt and Miles intertwined in the dark, so when I had gotten a letter from Matt it seemed like everything was in place and I felt that I was slowly stabbing myself with a knife as I laid on the bunk, reading the letters which would form his name and how he had written my name and seeing my name was Alexander seemed odd, as if I had never been called like that. 

I think I should slip into the colour blue as I check Miles’ bunk and I finally open the letter. I don’t know why I’m checking if he’s not there and as I take out the letter I see that it’s three pages which sends an odd warmth through me and I before reading light a cigarette, keeping it in my mouth, exhaling and inhaling as I start reading. It’s nice to know that you’re not the first one offering a proper truce. Matt’s handwriting is quite big something I’ve mocked him for and over the years it got smaller but on the letters he makes it wonky as well, just to irritate me. 

He started off with talking about Lana how she had went back to her natural colour and how they hung a day after she had delivered a few planes to the NAS and how they had both discussed me and he felt bad for not writing to me, so here it is for him to start babbling. And then he says he stopped for a day, back on the ship and goofing off his mind still shuffling with what to write until he finally did. Matt apologized before saying how he had enjoyed seeing me (he can’t really write about sex since the letters get opened and checked but he still wrote a love at the end, which managed to slip as nothing else in the content shows anything and I noticed some glimpses of a girl called Breana through out but could be a disguise, something Paul had told me he had used when he was writing to some guy onshore). 

I think of you in the tenderest ways,
With your lips upon my fingertips

But that’s the thing, Alex,

Love destroys you.

I gulp, my fingers shaking lightly and Miles walks in, stops for a brief moment at the door for me to barely notice and I flick my eyes back to the letter.

It shatters you and it gives you some insane courage.

But I don’t think it fully came to me Matt, the courage is the one which strangles me and I watch him, we’ve been like this for days, weeks and he just avoids me and I can’t say anything let alone properly look at him and the only thing which I catch is the dark circles under his eyes and I wonder if we had been struggling with insomnia and scared to smoke a cigarette outside in order to avoid each other. Sometimes I wonder too much, but I don’t let myself do anything. Maybe that’s not the love I need, but it’s the courage I crave to actually do something.

But I had sent two loaders to their death. And many men to be jailed for committing the same sin I had under the heavens. I wonder what is his stance does he actually believe that heaven like the church would be open for both the homosexuals and those who took their own lives? Would that be his comfort zone to explain himself that to try and get a blink of sleep at least. I wonder how comforting that blanket is. 

Miles opens his coffin locker and his back is turned towards me. I just watch him, wanting to stretch my hand to touch him, but I don’t, instead I turn to my side and I watch him take off his shirt and change it and I just stay there, Matt’s letters always there to soothe me, someone who is always by your side I guess gets chucked away sometimes which is a slap to them in my eyes

and maybe that’s the courage I get to stand up and Miles turns towards me and I see the fear in his eyes and it’s not that it’s because I can send him off, it’s the fear of not knowing where we are falling.

I watch him, I shiver, I can’t touch him and we just stare at each other, he leans closer and I feel like Judas only I won’t give the blow and we kiss, softly, I am now shaking fully pulling him closer to me, as close as I can, as Miles’ hand is in my hair, messing it, another arm around my waist and I can’t hold as we both deepen the kiss and fear still shakes me deeper as I’m scared that this is just passion and love is long discarded. 

The fear of not knowing how deep his morals to be right stand scare me, they don’t just come to me in the night, they dawn on me in the day, we both get far too turned on, but we keep kissing, holding the kiss sometimes between intense making out. I want to know where his heaven and hell stand, what would make him collapse and how many times can he sin again. 

But the longing takes over reason. 

I don’t think he knows what he’s doing but I think I’m selfish enough to be thankful whether it was an impulse or a full acknowledged act. 

It’s not that the magic will go away by midnight or once the eyes are opened, it’s once the lips are split open and love is a knife doing so. 

The thing which pulls us apart is the door as we instantly dettach ourselves, my hair clearly not slicked back anymore and Miles being shirtless isn’t really helping either and we both just cross our legs, which raises more suspicions, but all Carlos does is just shuffle past us, avoiding the new other loaders which haven’t been too talkative so it had been both Thom and Jonny sitting there with me and Miles on opposite side and Julian and Carlos raising suspicions in my head if they had fucked or not. Everything seemed to be uneventful now until the kiss.

Besides one visit to Hince who had managed to open a wine bottle and seemed to be laughing at his own assumption that he’ll be cleansing the ship all the time, crew after crew because everyone is gay anyway. But the topic of Miles was always avoided and whenever I’d walk in to report someone I could feel him getting tense, but Miles’ name never came. It was as if he had been death and I had been birth, it was odd to drink from a wine glass all of a sudden, because I wasn’t too keen besides when I would go to bars, I’d still cling to the milkshakes with Matt and just sitting there with him as he’d watch me and I never really spoke until he’d touch me and I wouldn’t do anything.

I felt odd, because it kept going on and the more miserable I got I felt as if it was someone who seemed to kept me giving me obscure reasons to keep going, I don’t know, it wasn’t that I was angry I just started feeling as if I was in a weird cycle and I was a rat in a wheel, that’s how I felt. It just kept going on and on and maybe he had figured that Miles had managed to slip out of my fingers as well and I had seen Miles exit his furiously, brushing past me. 

It’s like this odd Stockholm syndrome which I’ve started slipping into and I’ve wondered if I should ask him for the books and by the end of the day he’d tell me the battleground that became of Europe and sometimes our talks would expand, somewhat foggy about our lives and I tried my best not to talk about men, he’d just ask me where I had grown up, why the navy and sometimes he’d ask me about the novels he’d try and I’d say that they were bad and that would mean that he would enjoy them. He felt like a different contrast to Miles, as if I was the gray area, that Hince was on the other side, the murderer or the person who ordered and Miles seemed to be simply avoiding the target and I wondered how were the two ever intertwined. 

It felt like the deal with the devil had been made and all what was to be awaited was when the devil would take my soul. I had once written a poem about the fear of spiders and the ending was releasing the spider which was trapped instead of keeping it under the can, so that the moment which was most feared would just come to get over with. I was told that it didn’t make sense, but I beg to differ and that’s I guess some odd metaphor which goes on with me and I had drank as much as I could take, wondering to which direction should I plunge in. 

“Do you believe in fortune telling, Turner?” Hince had asked me breathing out the smoke and hesitating if he should get another bottle, but instead he just sat there. “My wife does it all the time and never tells me what the cards hold for her or for me. I always wondered why the same cards seem to show up regardless of how she shuffles, how much she prays, that makes you wonder doesn’t it? What is it that the fortune teller is afraid to speak of?

I know she has someone, but I don’t know. I’m away, I do the same thing and when we’re together there’s this odd longing which manages to sprout out of nowhere which I don’t even notice when I’m alone, it’s as if... I’m two different people. I don’t know. 

Maybe that’s for the best, eh, Turner?” And he kisses me on the lips, the Judas to his wife. I pull away, reaching for the glass but it’s long empty and Hince smirks standing up and moving closer, tilting my head up and kissing me longer this time. I feel myself shiver, but I get so used to it that I become so numb. I don’t know how much has my mind and my body decided to turn off that during the whole thing I’d even head to Hince for longer and start some odd conversation which would make him raise his eyebrows and he’d follow it. It was mainly to kill time was my second excuse after I had told myself that I was doing to get on his good side. War seemed to be passing us so far and the blood which was getting shed had started scaring us, yet we were still doing nothing aiming with no direction, doing targets and spending time on shore. 

Julian seemed to spend more time with Carlos and I wasn’t feeling jealousy, just an odd confusion around Carlos who had seemed to be flirting with the fact of being a constant asshole to somewhat quite standable and I had gone drinking with them once and once we even snug out to a gay bar and once Julian left for the bathroom, Carlos offered me a cigarette while I was finishing mine. I stubbed mine out sooner and took the offered one, I felt lost wondering what could I actually discuss with Carlos, but he had started the topic. 

“I’m not actually attracted to men, I just happen to have a lot of gay men friends. If that’s what’s on your mind.” He had smiled, clean shaved and I wondered how he had managed to grow a mustache he had mentioned he used to have onshore before he was transferred here. 

Everyone seemed to be a substitute for Miles so once we had to depart our lips for a lost moment and we won’t find our way back, it seemed like everyone else seemed to dawn on me, how much I had Miles and Carlos had kept his silence and I just wondered how would I approach him, fear choking me by the neck. 

“It’s actually not, Carlos.” I confessed widening my eyes and I always pray for Miles to walk in and that I’d have the guts to start all over again, see him with another bloke and then make out on the dancefloor but the memories seem to be partially hidden under a few branches which I’ve thrown into the way myself. All of a sudden I felt as if there were too many lovers and none of them even together seemed to substitute Miles and his eagerness about life, but the eagerness towards me was now long gone. 

“Well, Julian is attracted to you.” Carlos had muttered and it’s one thing when it’s shoved in your face and my mind had been made up to just grab whoever I could and the fact that I had slowly started to let my mind and self get poisoned by sex with Hince was far from something I had wanted. 

I think the more German submarine activity had started I tried to make it slip past my fingers, giving me an odd taste of fear and letting myself dissolve.

I had gave in and I followed Julian just as he was heading out and I closed the door behind us pushing him against a wall and instantly putting my tongue in his mouth as he had pulled me harshly, running his fingers on my body and I had still felt numb, as if I had been watching it all and masturbating to the whole scene. 

The fact that I was actually getting attached to Hince was scaring me, that sex was taking an odd turn and he still disgusted me and he’d avoid mentioning Miles like wildfire yet it was going in cycles, my whole mind was going in cycles

And I was trying to get rid of the memory of Hince actually asking me for once during sex and I had fucked him, he had made sure that I had finished as well and that was twisting my mind, because with me sending of a bunch of men he seemed the constant evil and then you start siding

and for some reason it had dawned on me how much of a twisted person I was, going along with some man’s desires or rather the desire of a nation to wipe out people like me, I was the backstabber, I was the traitor, I would maybe even be forgotten but I’d be there not as the man who did this to fuck over men, but to kill them and it would drive me insane. 

It was as if having sex with Hince was some odd rinsing and some odd forgiveness from Satan since God didn’t want me anymore and I’d hear Miles say how God made everything simpler, how believing in fate and some holiness made life easier, how it made it less lonely

and when that God is taken away from you, you just lose direction

and the fallen angel seems like an escape because he had once been close to God. 


Sorry this took a while to write and kind of the fact that I myself have depression is helping me write Al's state and in general so yeah:3 and because it had taken long to write this chapter was intended to be a bit kind of time jump so it was I think done quite well as I hadn't been up with story so my thoughts were as messy as Al's memories XD

Thing is I've known about Carl's death for so long and they were planned as lovers who will go down together, that yeah, I'm mourning the deaths ahead as well. 

I missed Miles and I was thinking of this scene and how would it happen and I love how it ended up spontaneous from what I had thought of and I'll remain silent for now regarding Miles. I ship them so much and yeah :3 

There's a lot of odd love triangles specifically involving Al and Miles and I guess one of the odd ones are Hince, Al and Miles. In general Hince was supposed to be there for the sort of not even worthy of being a villain and then he escalated and he is the story's villain, but Alex is more an anti-hero, while Miles would fit into the hero box, which kind of seems interesting in my head, how they both contrast each other in morals and also views on religion. I guess as years change I pretty much have three things I write about: religion, sex and death xD and it goes in and intertwines and all these things are written xD

Hince and Al freak me out with their poisonous relationship and while I wasn't writing I wanted to do this bizarrely insane Stockholm syndrome between them and the more I wrote the more it made sense why Al is clinging and how he is falling apart slowly. 

I am superstitious and I fortune tell apparently xD so I chucked that bit in, a good fortune teller never tells the person who the fortune is being told to if something bad will happen, so that was used and Hince's wife as a fortune teller seems like a nice idea. 

Also even if it's not mentioned To Miles deals with a lot of non-monogamy and in general Al's polyamorous nature which is far more open than my own xD which I quite like as there's a lot of different relations between him and so many characters and other characters among other characters. So that's I guess also quite a deep running theme, which I'm not sure there will be a big point where Al yells that he's polyamorous, but it's there and well, of course it's there xD which makes me happy and I love the story more, I don't know I guess because it's so big and going on of course I can relate to Al even if I don't think that I'd do the things he would and I'd break differently, there's a lot but then all characters have some traits which I've given them or from people I love but everyone is a heavy mix that even myself I think, because there's no concrete yeah that person is that and etc. I'm not even sure I'd stick myself to Al anyway xD

I hate and I love Carlos at the same time. And I guess he might just be the only straight character here XD 

I dunno I love the whole religion conversation Al and Miles seem to be having in Al's head throughout the story, I dunno, I feel bad but I like the whole idea of making Miles religious and Al not which is the opposite of what I do usually, so yeah

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you enjoyed it and if you want a next chapter:3

I've been writing more so expect more things up soon:3


To Miles 25


  1. Am totally in love with this story! Please update soon, though I totally understand if you don't. I hope you're alright and I just wanted to tell you your writing skills are amazing!

  2. hjgdsgjds thank you:3 :3 :3

    I will update soon! I'm so so sorry I just had so many things going on @.@ but now I'm back home and yeah :3 And I have written a few important scenes already and there is so so so much more ahead in To Miles so yeah :O

    I'm better, thank you:3 :3 :3

    thank you djcgdhjsgchjgsdjc :3

    Please keep checking :3


  3. GAH! Just spent my school holiday reading this (TOTALLY WORTH IT BTW!) and desperately need more! SUCH an original and amazing idea! Keep it up!

  4. hgjdhsgjhsdgjfh!!! Thank you so so so much! I'm happy you enjoyed reading it during your holiday!!!:3 I am writing more and there is a big plot twist ahead which I've written recently which will explain a lot of things or maybe ever confuse xD
    Thank you!:3 It's pretty much thank you to the US navy for thinking of this job xD and yeah:3
    Please keep checking there should be an update in the next couple of days:3
    Thank you so so so so much!!! You made my day!!! hdcghjsdcdj

  5. I'm a bit at a loss of words here...Sorry. But anyway this story is great. I like your style, you make me smile. *insert copyright sign here*. Characters seem so real. Everything is so well thought through.
    Thanks for shipping Milex. Is that even a thing you can thank someone for? I guess. Cause there aten't many good stories about them. And on your site I've found this and Gandalf's inhaler so far. Are there any more? I really would like to read them.
    Thanks for being awesome.

    1. Awww, thank you!!! Sorry my internet is a bit off so it took me a while to reply! hsgjhacgjd thank you:3 I dunno, I feel bad but I love the story so much that I have to remind myself that I'm the one who wrote it to be very very honest xD thank youu dhgcjhsdgc I'm glad you do like it and that it makes you smile :D
      Ah, you're welcome xD I love them :3 I've been a bit off recently, but I'll be posting a new Milex love triangle later today so yeah:3
      Yeah, it's quite hard to find good stories in general.
      I really need to clean up the blog and I've been trying to do so and basically there's To Miles up to Chapter 32
      so here's the other chapters:


      and also have you read all of Gandalf's Inhaler chapters?

      There's also You're Not Coming Back Again, which is a less AU AU xD and it's fully done :)

      Also there is Man on the Moon, which should later be a novel, but I haven't updated it in a while, so if you enjoy it tell me to encourage me xD

      And as well there's a new novel as well, which started off a Milex sex scene request and the next chapter should be up soon:

      And as well there's a few short stories:

      that's… a lot xD and that's all the Milex I've got so far:3 I've also have like mentions of Alex and Milex dating previously in some stories like Bar Eyes, but those stories aren't Milex and it's more like a paragraph of Alex speaking of his ex and that's it, so I dunno if you want those xD

      thank youuuu for being awesome :D and I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed writing them!!!


    2. Sorry I realized that I didn't include Blue/Jacket which is one of my favourite stories which I've ever written XD and it's amazing and yeah :3

      And also here's the new Milex:

      thank youuu :3 hope you'll enjoy them!!!


    3. Thanks for answering and providing the links to other stories! I'm eager to read them!

    4. Thank you!!!:3 If you need help with any other links, please do ask as I've been trying to clean up but I've just been too stressed out!

      thank you, hon!


  6. Dear author, could you please provide me with a list of the most popular characters you use in this fic and also others? So I could look them up in the internet. E.g. Jack, Carlos, Paul are they fictional or real-based? please.

  7. Hey:D I'm Jamie :) so yeah xD nice to meet you:3 so yeah:3 gah thank youuu:3 gfhgfshgfjhsdgjfgdsjf :3 :3 :3

    I dunno sometimes I feel like they're so AU I forget that it is fanfiction because they've grown so much their own separate ways and there's a lot of characters to come or characters which should be in the main cast soon, so yeah :3

    I'm trying to get all of the blog polished up so I can pretty much have a proper character list and whatnot, but it's taking a while as I'm still doing 2011, I know xD

    I rarely use OCs, I tend if I do fanfiction yank as many people I can because I don't like the contrast between IRL people and OCs. My fiction on the other hand has all fictional characters:) The only exception where there is an OC is You're Not Coming Back Again.

    Ok, the character list besides AM/Miles Kane are:

    Jamie Hince from The Kills (I think this was obvious but I'm still mentioning xD)
    Alison Mosshart from The Kills/The Dead Weather
    Jack White from The White Stripes/Jack White XD/The Dead Weather and so on:)
    Meg White from The White Stripes
    Paul Banks from Interpol
    Daniel Kessler from Interpol
    Carlos Dengler from Interpol
    Peter Doherty from The Libertines/The Babyshambles
    Carl Barât from The Libertines
    Julian Casablancas from The Strokes
    Albert Hammond Jr. from The Strokes
    Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend
    Karen Elson she's a model and Jack White's ex-wife
    Lana del Rey um, Lana del Rey xD
    Marina Diamandis Marina and the Diamonds
    Brian Molko from Placebo
    Stefan Olsdal from Placebo
    Thom Yorke from Radiohead
    Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead
    Ian Curtis from Joy Division XD (well, he's kinda mentioned xD)

    that's everyone who has shown up so far… I think? There's a lot to come xD

    Sorry for the late reply, as my life has been awfully hectic right now!


    1. Brian Molko? He's that Brian who's Jamie's friend? Cool. Hardly can imagine him being a sailor, but like you mentioned this is so AU, though...I guess it's okay.
      And since he's mantioned here, I wonder if you have stories written about him?
      P.S. If we're sharing names here, I'm Oksana. Nice to meet. You're great.

    2. Yes xD THAT Brian and it's weird because I always ship them together and they're one of my OTPs and here they are just friends, which makes it funnier considering their interesting history:) ah, I can go on for hours about Hince and Molko xD I'm a big fan of both and when I found out that they both went to Goldsmith and that Brian cites Jamie's poem in the beginning of Lady of the Flowers or that Brian was on the drums during Jamie's performance in the Edinburgh Festival, gah everything :D or Brian apologizing for stealing people's music in his speech when Goldsmith gave him an award

      I love them both so much. I dunno how much you want me to go on xD

      I've also seen both of them live actually :D

      Yeah, it's a weird image, that's why he's more of staff rather than a gunner or whatnot:)


      The only non-Brian/Jamie is Brian/Steve Hewitt:

      AND NOW FOR MY FAVE OTP T__T -> Jamie/Brian -> Jamie/Brian (again note that these two had something going on and this is me putting the pieces together) -> the second chapter xD -> I'll be posting the second chapter in a few days :D this is more of a what if Brian had the guts to approach Jamie again <- this was done before I dug them properly and it's a more AU AU where Brian is a surgeon <- 2nd chapter xD

      and yeah that's all I have on Brian :)

      I love him and Stefan, but I don't really super ship them that much considering if going by the facts Stefan was there when Jamie and Brian were an item, so yeah

      P.S. Lovely to meet you :D you're amazing as well :3 um, if anything Russian is one of first languages xD so feel free if anything :)


    3. P.S. #2. I realized you've mentioned your name a lot, like at the end of the posts. I thought it's alias or something. So, it's your real name then? Sorry.
      And I'm 19 too.
      Correct me, if I'm wrong, I think you mentioned your age too.

    4. Ah, yeah, I do, it's more personal some times xD
      Ah, no worries, um, it's my name but my birth name is different and I this is my name now, so yeah:)
      I was 19 when I wrote this chapter xD my birthday is in April, so I'm 20 now :)

  8. That Brian. Exactly. He's like my favorite man of all times. I miss his early Placebo attitude and appearance, but I guess no one should stay the same and he's moved on.
    Honestly, I don't ship with anyone. Brian/Hince is like a perfectly new deal to me. I have to do some research on this matter. I heard that they studied in the same university, that's all.
    You know Russian? But it's not your native language?

    1. Ah, I love Brian so so so much T_____T but I love Jamie more these days xD but they're both so dear to me T___T like it shatters my heart that they dated and that I didn't know that until recent, it's really under wraps like really really under wraps and it was solely because I'm a die-hard fan of both that you manage to put the pieces together:)
      well, the death of Nancy Boy doesn't make much sense until you dig really. Thing about Placebo is (I hope both of them forgive me one day xD) that it copied Scarfo's music style and they were both LGBT bands at their time and Placebo just stole everything off them and that obviously ticked off Jamie and around that era I'm guessing they reconciled lightly and Brian dropped everything which he had once taken off Jamie, so yeah. Again, Goldsmith speech! Sorry, I can talk about Scarfo and Placebo all night xD
      No, they were more than best friends and both opened for each other and again if you dig long enough and for enough days you'll surface that they dated for a really long while.
      I didn't know this because when Brian talks of it it doesn't make much sense and then I can't even recall why but I started digging on Scarfo and Jamie's past and then you find out everything which doesn't make sense on Brian's end.

      Like what really makes me sad to this day is that Brian mentioned that nearly every Placebo song is about the same heartbreak and Special Needs is about Jamie and the more you dig on each song, you just find the same and it's kind of really weird knowing who Brian is singing about now because I've been a Placebo fan for 8 years now. Like I remember when I didn't know about Jamie, everyone has this confusion in the community because you don't know who the songs are about and in general Brian keeps his private life to himself quite well and yeah, Special Needs was the slip for me after finding out about Lady of the Flowers.

      Again, Special Needs makes sense because Jamie was studying to be a Playwright and the song was written around the time he got a contract to write something for Channel 4 and 19 was when Brian met Jamie and in general Jamie quite keeps it under heavier wraps and yeah, it's quite sad with Brian quoting : "that your ex will write you out of their biography"

      Anyway, I love them both so much

      I do! I come from a Russian speaking family actually xD but I kind of grew up all over the place and two different continents and I didn't properly learn Russian until I was 8 xD and frankly I have such ridiculous trouble with the Russian keyboard that it's embarrassing xD I just have a handful of people I speak Russian with though xD it's quite… basic compared to my English, because I kind of have English as my main language:) and my grammar mistakes are stupid in Russian xD but I can speak Russian if you wish, only you'd have to stand my english keyboard here because I just have a Russian keyboard on my phone xD so it would look disastrous like this: ocher' stremno budet chitat', po krajnej mere vse zliatsia chto ne mogul osilit' russkuju klaviaturu xD

      so yeah xD

      I know, it's weird sorry! Just that I grew up all over the place xD


    2. I would like to discuss this topic more. Like whole Jamie/Brian issue. I haven't even bothered to find something about Brian's personal life. Like, I know he has a son. But his early ages are quite shadowy. He doesn't like to talk about his personal life much. So I could only guess.
      Contact me and I hope we could discuss it later. I left my kik username on the comment to "Man on the moon".
      Yeah, it could be quite difficult to come in terms with сyrillic alphabet and keybord.
      I found that sometimes for me it's easier to express my mind in english. Especially, when I get over emotional. Well, it's quite usefull to know several languages.

    3. Haha yes!!! :D I'd love to talk about it, I've done my fair share of research and whatnot xD don't worry I just raided a few times in my teens and then dropped it but a few months ago I got curious and started raiding to find everything there is haha xD yeah, but there's enough to patch it up which is interesting and yeah it just confirms things, his silence, I mean xD but he's spoken enough, both of them even if it's awfully brief:)
      I sent you a message :D on kik so get back to me whenever you can/want on kik:) I'm very reachable there as my phone is always with me:)
      It's awful but I'm getting better, I promise xD my mom told me to type faster once though, it was funny xD
      I feel you xD I'm so bad at Russian xD like I'm fluent and native, but my English is my first language technically so yeah:3
      it is, I'm fluent in… 5? xD I don't even know anymore XD


    4. Hey, Jamie! Thanks for adding me, but my phone is kinda off now. I don't have any money on the balance, so internet won't work. I'll reply to you asap. You know, I really would like to talk with about so many issues.
      I've read To Miles up to 32 chapter. I'm just a little confused about how it started as a Milex fic, but now Alex and Hince are in love and I honestly wish them well. But it feels like their relationship doesn't have future. And that kiss, again.
      Just let me know if there'll be more chapters, okay?

    5. *ne v temu, but...*
      There's this cover of Beatles "All My Loving" Alex and Miles have done. It makes me so emotional. This is one of my favorites songs and the fact that these two made a cover makes all so much better.

    6. Ah, no worries!!! I feel you though xD it's spain, I found this good internet only deal so I'm using it now shamelessly xD
      Ah, I'd love to!!!:3 I dunno, I love discussing my stories xD
      Oh God, yes, someone mentioned it xD yeah, it did start off as one thing and ended up another entirely. The plot was entirely discarded halfway, as pretty much to be honest Hince showed up in the game and to be honest the original ending wasn't very happy and now it's much happier if you want me to spoil slightly and in a mysterious way.
      Doesn't have any future? Interesting, that's the first time I get told that since I've seemed to convert people haha xD well, I'll just say keep reading but there's a lot to come both from Jamie and Miles. Don't forget that Jamie is married and Alison (his wife) is pregnant with their second child. There's a lot to come there and in general all the characters in To Miles have their flaws.
      Regarding Miles, looking back, I had a very rough break-up with one of my partners recently (I'm polyamorous) and I guess Miles ended up being what it's like to find out the real truth of someone who you happened to love and trust dearly. But with Miles it was slowly unraveling and it still is and there's actually a lot of milex ahead, which pretty much gets the plot because Alex has very confused feelings towards him. But yeah, I think it's obvious where Alex's feelings are going. But yeah, Hince is awfully complex.
      I'm nearly done with the next chapter actually :D
      I believe I'll be posting Blue/Jacket today or tomorrow and yeah, it has Hince as well that one xD
      I ended up trailing off to do a bunch of different stories with The Kills and whatnot and picking up a lot of old stories, so yeah:)
      I'll also be posting finally the second chapter of a Jamie/Brian story so yeah:3


      Ah! :D I actually haven't seen it, it came out when I was really angry that they weren't touring Europe properly and I was thinking who to see live this summer, I had an option of fucking wasting fuck knows and going to see AM when they just tour the US, so I didn't out of principle.

      I was thinking to see Jack White, but I've seen him before, Callie didn't.

      And then The Kills announced Portugal, so guess where I went xD and there's always bunch of rumors surrounding them breaking up and the new album is taking ages (it was recently revealed about Hince's tendon removal and slow recovery) so I just grabbed those tickets months and months ago so yeah. I honestly am happy that I chose to see The Kills, so yeah:3

      anyway, I'm rambling xD

      So I got angry that I'd never get to see 505 live with Miles and yeah, I didn't bother checking the cover at the time. I know, I'm considered a weird "AM and milex fan" so yeah.

      But it's a lovely cover :D

      I just wish they'd come out one day:3


    7. Haha...problems of a white people. Who to see live. ))) I guess, you're living somewhere in Europe then?
      I've never been to any concerts, but I hope, sometime. I always wanted to see MCR playing live, since I was a huge fan of them. But considering the break-up, I guess it won't happen.
      I deadly want to see AM and Placebo. Please, I just hope they won't break up or something till I come.
      Thanks for rambling, though ) I like to read your huge answers to my small questions.
      Waiting for a Blue Jacket and To Miles.

    8. Heh, I guess you could say that, but when I lived in Eastern Europe it was hell to see anyone, but Placebo did come near where I lived so I went there many years ago:) Placebo tour Russia not as bad as you'd think they would these days, so yeah:)
      Yeah:) I have been for quite a while now:) and I've only been to four concerts in total in my life, so yeah. And all of them are awfully spaced out xD
      I just really saved up and yeah. And I'm in a different pool now, since me and my gf live alone and work, so it's more of a save up and etc. It's weird now that I'm no teenager, so your mind works a bit different when you live alone and you have the said freedom if you'd like to say xD
      Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I never liked them, so I can't really um say their breakup affected me in anyway, unfortunately. But isn't Gerard Way doing a solo or something? Coz The White Stripes broke up but like nearly 1/2 of Jack White's set is TWS stuff anyway, so I had a blast watching him live in the Blunderbuss tour.
      Well, I don't think AM will ever break up. I just hope they drop their sleaze act and same for Placebo. I honestly don't think Placebo would break up. Both bands seem to be quite solid regarding that.
      Ah, no worries :D I felt bad that I trailed off actually xD
      And did you check the Brian stories? Just curious xD
      I'll have Blue/Jacket up later today, I ended up falling asleep last night, sorry about that! So yeah, definitely tonight :3 it's weird because I couldn't post much the last weeks and now I've gathered so much stuff to post, it's insane xD

      thank you:3

      and yeah, feel free to ask anything, I'll ramble xD

      nearly done with the next chapter of To Miles:)


    9. MCR break up didn't affected me as much as other fans, I bet that. By that time I kinda moved to the other bands. It always happens like that. I have AM period, Placebo period, Beatles period, etc... lol
      I checked out Brian stories, actually. And I forgot to drop a comment, sorry. I liked them a lot. PDD or Hypoxyphilia and Swallow and Tunnel of love too. But I read them all in once, so maybe they blured up a little in my mind. But they're cool. Keep going.

    10. Ah ok:) Yeah, I feel you. I had an enormous AM period but then I got angry over a bunch of shit they did and now I'm just I guess a fan, really. I love them to bits but I would really appreciate a proper EU tour. So yeah. I had an awfully long Radiohead period which lasted for years and years and there was even a fully year where I solely listened to Radiohead xD
      Ah, no worries!:) I'm happy you enjoyed them!!! PDD and Tunnel of Love are a bit intertwined but not too much, well, at lest in my head because I'm covering the past in one and then the "present" is in Tunnel of Love. I ended up writing so much that I'm thinking what the fuck do I post today xD

      thank youuu :3 will do!

      Oh and I posted a new chapter of Blue/Jacket yesterday :


    11. I guess, you visit this page more often than Facebook, so I'll write it here. And I don't care if someone else we'll read it...whatever.
      I just need to spill this out. And I feel like crying right now. I just don't want to cry over this again. And sorry for...maybe you don't wanna hear about my personal problems, but I think you could understand it. You covered that theme a little in To Miles, about church and religion and all that shit. Happens I still go to church, cause really it's just easier than rebel and complain about my sexuality with my parents, who believe in God. I guess, I believe too. But it doesn't make anything easier. because in God's eyes I'm a sinner and I know I just can't change myself to fit into their standarts. But everyone in there keeps asking me, why i seem so distant, why i don't pray and read Bible... it just wears me out.
      Sorry, again.

  9. Hey, if you give me your Facebook I can add you, I'd just rather not reveal it here. I'll gladly talk to you there. I know how you feel. Um, we're the same religion actually. So I fully understand but when I just discovered everything about me I got told that the interpretations are wrong and the church is always open to everyone no matter what everyone says and that helped me. I actually wear a cross around me at all times. It keeps me going, but I know that in many people's eyes I'm a sinner for being gay, trans and polyamorous.
    And I'm always here for anything, so I'm sorry and feel free to write to me on Facebook if that makes you feel better than here. I'm open to anything, really or e-mail. I just don't like to speak of my ethnicity and roots specifically at times like these.
    I always cover church and religion in my stories because I still follow many traditions and I go to church at times even if I don't speak of it and I myself am not religious, I still follow many customs because it's still a big part of me and what I believe in.
    I'm here if anything and yes, it's been hard with what our church has been saying and doing recently. It's been awful, frankly.
    I'll tell you more on Facebook.
    I'm here and yeah, we're both in the same religion.

    1. Okey, here's my profile

  10. I added you as soon as I saw it:) I have a milex userpic XD