Sunday, 9 February 2014

Disaster 2

I wish Marina would be my girlfriend, that we’d giggle and there would be no games but then I don’t think that would be her and then it’s not even her I’m dreaming of, I’d be flirted and played with and with a bunch of aces tucked in her lace sleeves.

I don’t think I’ll be ok until I can pinpoint my feelings and the problem is feelings aren’t flat to be stuck against a wall with a blue pin. 

“Matthew doesn’t like it when I leave him red lipped.” She says and I watch her apply gloss to her lips before we leave school with the days soon enough to be counted in our head, just like it is closer to summer but this time it’s more of a final bell. I just blink, but I keep my silence knocking my Converse together as I sit on the window sill, my body lightly shaking from the fact how her eyes seem to see me through and I can’t actually bring myself to answer her. I just smile, dumbly, something I’m sure she does with her boys. She just smiles back, opening her mouth and applying more to have them more glossy and sugary.

I’d want her to put on red lipstick and I’d be wearing dark purple for instance and I’d want them to mix, both of us forgetting and how it would be licked off and mixed going to our cheeks, I’d want to leave traces on our necks and I’d want us to be caught redhanded, evidence clearly on each other’s mouths if we’d take our mouths off each other, maybe it’s not that I want other people to notice, but I’d want her to notice. 

Sometimes I feel like I am indeed going insane that I’m going in cycles in how I want to feel her fingers trace my shoulderblades after my mind goes back from wondering in how would sex feel like with her.

Just like one day you wake up without depression, one day you wake up fully immersed in love, realizing that you needed to breathe underwater. Breathing water is suicide and makes the lungs burst as if they are a balloon trying to be threaded with yarn in some sick decoration, people idolize being single too much and if they manage then it’s a empty balloon with the yarn covering everything. Of course unless people actually don’t want to be taken or with someone, but those with the smiles are the liars.

You don’t show your smiles to the rest.

Maybe that’s why I smile when she shows it more to me. 

But I still don’t think I have the rights to kiss her. 

It feels like I keep falling deeper underwater and the image above is so blurred and I’ve been falling so long, that even reaching the end I feel as if there’s more to fall down to and not all is lost. I feel far too distant and then what she says seems to yank me out of the water and is like a sudden gulp of air.

I stop writing the biology homework which I seemed to be doing the crosses wrong and with all of Mendel muddled up in my head. I just look at her. 

“I really don’t want to sleep with him, that would be a loss on my end, you know? But he’s too hot and I just think we should... push it, y’know?” She grins and I try to focus on her hair and her ribbon in her head, just to avoid her eyes but it’s getting too difficult and I don’t even had the time to nod as I start sweating and I think my pen will soon fall from my fingers. It’s the second time she brings it up and now with more courage. 

“I heard about Alison. Y’know... the girl at the party. She said you were quite into it.” She gave a cheeky grin and I felt even more uncomfortable, it’s like that lost birthday wish coming true only under the wrong twisted light and with the wrong words mumbled, yet fated. I feel falling even more backwards and maybe she’s the one pushing me in, I don’t know and I don’t know who is the enemy anymore. She starts the circle again only now throwing more wood into the fire to watch me burn as a witch, even if I think that it is her boyfriends which will make her burn. 

“What of it?” I try to speak very drily and Marina just shrugs, a bit taken back, as if coming out would be no big deal. But then for those who don’t understand how deviant we even are to ourselves, the L word being something scary to even grasp in the mind, just sometimes I manage to call myself such in my head and for a moment in the crowd I’ll put my head up high before recalling the times I am tucked in. 

She is oddly taken back and I just think if I should plunge, but instead I flirt with fate as I am pushed deeper but it seems that she is the depth with me or waiting for me. 

She is the depth which I don’t see and don’t understand. 

Marina keeps her silence maybe in regret, then she just shrugs, leaning her head a bit lower into the book and she actually starts tracing the sentence she’s reading. I watch her for a while. Then she suddenly jerks her head. 

“No, I didn’t mean anything, that I’m against it, I’ve known you and well... it’s who you are, I guess. Um.” She tries to shrug it off. “More like you didn’t tell me and well, I just had a few thoughts since I found out and I was wondering if you wanted to... do things?”

I just blink.

I’m not sure how to feel of it if to think of it clearly yet it seems to please, tease and scare me. 

Sometimes you wish that the other person had done the move and all the scenarios seem to be laid out in your head, what could’ve happened but in the end you’re happy you did it. And I don’t know what actually triggers you to do it at that moment and that way, I could only feel that I loved her and maybe that was what intoxicated me for so long when I took her face in my hands and how she froze, how Marina’s eyes widened and how she waited for me to kiss her softly. 

I push her onto the bed, everything seems to be collapsing and building itself up. 

But I get scared maybe love is like death, your life flashes before your eyes, because falling in love with Marina, something seemingly too controversial that it was odd to realize that I am in love with a woman and my being has never been on fire before, it’s as if I was always locked and now I was burnt down to realize that I was some sort of phoenix awaiting the flame to burn itself and I emerged. 

I don’t know why me liking Marina is controversial I don’t know why am I controversial and why is my love so different and with all the violence I’ve seen and the divorce rates, all the children getting thrown out when LGBT parents have their arms stretched out and the statistics shock me. 

And even the kiss is shocking to myself, it shouldn’t be, there shouldn’t be a division between me and a straight cis couple who don’t love each other but because they’re together they have all the rights I only wish to have. 

We keep kissing and I have too many mixed feelings even if I’m drowning in my feelings for her as I push her onto the bed, on top of her and I try to keep my hands to myself, but Marina is the one who doesn’t hesitate and gets her hands under my shirt. I feel myself far too wet and I keep frenching her and I feel like she is leading me with her desire, maybe because she has no love xattached to it, I actually don’t know as she cups my breasts and I gasp into her mouth, scared to open my eyes, getting some courage to go under her shirt and slowly start touching her stomach and my fingers stay there for a while as I wonder and I actually go down, undoing her jeans and stroking the skin above her underwear. I don’t even know which one she is wearing but I trace my fingers lower, feeling Marina moan. 

I touch her clit over her underwear and she’s soaked as she herself lets her hands wander down and I lean back to see her breathing heavily, cheeks flushed and I rub her clit faster and I actually stick my hand in to feel her clit and she stops touching me and she rubs herself against my fingers, pulling me into a hungry kiss and I wonder if she’s embarrassed and I feel intoxicated as I start biting her neck, licking, sucking it and stroking her harder and harder. She pulls me back into a kiss and she gives a long moan, grinding against my hand, biting my lip and I watch her come, catching her breath and I watch her.

I made Marina come. 


At least Lana fucking tours properly, I've been horrible depressed about AM+Miles Kane today, so I'm still at that stage

Anyway, fuck them, they don't want to tour, ok, I'm not cashing out for Berlin, I think that's my last stance. No offense, get your head out of your US obsessed ass. 

Anyway, about the story, as you can see I was angry and depressed today xD

Now the plot actually flowed here and pretty much all my thoughts were shoved in and yeah:3

I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request :3



  1. I don't ship the two but I like the vision

  2. Thank you:3 yeah, they are a ship which is y'know unusual so yeah:)