Thursday, 10 April 2014

To Miles 29

Anxiety dwells within me as the days seem to slowly come in and for once Miles actually sits besides me and I watch him for a bit, as he still avoids my eye and actually talks to Julian and Carlos and I just smile briefly before I look across the room to see Hince sit with Brian who seems to be talking of something and I recall how Jamie had muttered sleepily that he had a sweetheart back on shore and I had started feeling some odd guilt that I hadn’t sent off too many men and I could barely recall their names or their lips on my own as I would just try to get it over with and Jamie would just nod and they would get sent off. He would give a brief speech and it was odd how much I could now see through him, how I would quickly catch his eye but he would shift and I would smirk. 

Jamie still remained grumpy from while to while, forcing all of us to mop the deck as he would walk around and always when there was a check, I could see how he’d try to not keep his glance on me far too long and whenever we’d glance at each other too much I could see Miles who would start moping the same place and sometimes I wondered if it would get out of hand, when we were once on shore and they were taking photos of everyone and one of Hince and I had just stood there waiting for him as we would go onshore. He was told to make a serious face and I just stood there pressing my tongue against the cheek in a suggestive manner which made me hope that Jamie’s fuck off face would be printed later on, which I’d replace the photo of Jack with and that thought just registered in my head because I hadn’t replaced that photo with anyone and no one really seemed to be taking its place and I looked at Hince as the photographer would go away and Jamie smirked, punching me playfully and I had grabbed him, taking him by surprise and kissing him.

My head seemed to be spinning as I had made sure the door was locked, getting my hands under his shirt, running my hands down his back as he would rub his tongue against my own, both of grinding against each other. Jamie kept pulling me closer, lifting my shirt up as he started biting my neck as I would start taking off his jacket. 

We don’t stop kissing, knowing every fucking inch of each other’s uniform, where the buttons are, where to tug, where to just yank off and everything is done far too fast with grinding, both of us barely breaking the kiss, pulling each other closer until we stumble onto the bed, legs intertwined, hair tussled. 

Jamie pushes me down to go on top of me, breaking the kiss for a while to catch my eye as he slides a hand between us and starts stroking both of our cocks, Jamie biting his lip to hold a moan as I close my eyes and don’t hold tracing my hand down his back, pulling him closer back into the kiss. 

My other hand rubbing the back of his neck, tracing his shoulders, as our bodies keep rubbing and we both moan, as the strokes increase and I open my eyes, to feel both of us flushed, some odd deja vu as we keep kissing, biting, pulling, tugging, stroking, loving

and Jamie pulls my bottom lip a bit too harshly as we both shake and come, unravel, gasp, collapse on top of each other. Jamie kissing my neck softly, pulling me closer. I wrap my arms around my lover. 

“I love you.” Is pretty much the only thing I can say to see him give a tired, grateful smile, pressing his head against my shoulder, pressing a kiss before replying as he goes on top of me again. I see him trying to collect some words.

“I love you too.” He says after a brief laugh failing to find a better fitting answer and we both laugh at our lack of creativity.  

Miles was like the ghost I had started seeing and which had stopped haunting Jamie. Miles was like the bruise which we both had cut open, a piece of flesh torn out and the desire seems to shift between both me and Jamie, some dumb irony uniting all three of us, as the time would go on, shifting us, bringing us closer to Christmas, Matt’s letters coming now sooner, maybe some small treat from the mail before booze would hit us all. I sometimes would get paralyzed when I’d see him getting food in the canteen, not yet seated, just about to walk to the gunner’s usual table, when you’re in a state of mid air, the false assumptions come with hope and leave, mercilessly. 

We forgive our enemies too easily, letting them away and when it comes to the people we love we cling onto the light cut they gave us, while if enemies tear our hand off, we struggle and actually want to friend them with this odd desire of befriending everyone unless they angered us enough to be repressed with the years to come. 

I had asked Jamie and he had told me that by seeing him every day, the blade would null itself out, but sometimes he would linger in his mind and it seemed odd with snow nowhere on the land and Matt actually back at his parents’ and I wasn’t, that the port chosen was rather random, yet Jamie was excited saying that the cabaret was the best and that he had wanted to introduce me to an old friend of his, but Miles seemed to be triggering my thoughts as he had even started a conversation, he had seemed to always sneak into my thoughts and the kiss seemed to be a more venomous regret now.

I wondered if both me and Jamie were Miles’ two-sided blade. I wondered what would cross his mind and had I been filled with disastrous false hope. 

I had woken up earlier to leave earlier and to pester Jamie so I had headed to shave and shower, just to catch Jamie also up who had been shaving, who actually had far more facial hair than I would. Used to barely touching in public, Jamie smiled and quickly washed off the soap as I approached him and kissed the back of his neck. As if still asleep we briefly kissed before I had taken his soap and started applying it to my face, as Jamie just watched me before a sailor walked in, saluting Hince and he just nodded, quickly giving me a wink and heading off. 

Miles started coming in my dreams, his hands stroking my cheek and I would wake up with him nowhere near me, just the darkness reminding me of the illusion of time when you’re on a ship unless you get woken up or Jamie makes some announcement. I get anxious knowing that we’re about to hit shore and the fact that Jamie insisted on dragging me to a cabaret seems nerving for some reason as I’ve pretty much been sticking to gay bars, chewing on straws and wondering why hadn’t I chosen a different cocktail. Last time I’ve been to a cabaret had been with Paul who had wanted to see the dresses and had talked to the drag queen asking her how she had done her dress and we both sat, looking how the stitches went and how the sequins were done. 

It was odd to feel the ghost of a long lost lover and I just recall how I had felt when I had heard of them together, because I had always lived under the illusion that some men had never indeed touched each other, just like me and Matt and in the end it ended up that even me and Matt have touched each other and my cheeks flush as I finish cleaning myself and I just splash the water on my face one last time, anxious about my date onshore even if it was with someone I had managed to share love with. The anxiety seemed to follow me like a trail as I’d watch all of us dress for shore and I wondered what had been crossing through Miles’ mind and how we were all intertwined, how he started to become an irony of all us, a man who had held us all and let go, to let us shatter, only somehow some shards glued themselves together, maybe due to the fire nearby or their own. 

He’d ask me to come back.

He’d ask me to stop.

He’d get furious and come in my dreams, sometimes it would just be his words whispered in my ear which would drag me onto the mornings until Jamie would let me in and before even kissing I’d tell him of the dreams and he’d sit quietly, lighting a cigarette until he had stood up and opened his drawer, yanking out letters which he’d written to Miles, my eyes teary of fear of my own sanity, over the years which Miles had returned with his poetry filled with longing and drowning.

I just sat there, staring at the pile, all letters dated from more than ten years, all read many times, the envelopes old and hurt as Jamie’s eyes and I didn’t dare to ask him just like he didn’t ask about my own dreams. 

We were surrounded by the same man, losing a battle with more man power against someone who had

left us




and forcing to move on, because otherwise we’d be the ones on his side, rolling his dice and watching his jawline tense. 

Anxiety circles me and binds me as Jamie opens a letter, sending me back to the dream as I feel Miles’ hands around my neck, his desire to get rid of a former lover. He tightens his grip as Jamie reads the letter. 

Matt crosses my mind and my desire to talk of Matt brushes my cheek, from misery to worse. Anxiety is the leash they both pull and Jamie is the scissors against the ceiling until he reaches my neck and cuts the leather open and my neck. 


The story in general has a strong context of dreams and surreal visions and thoughts and I apologize for the short chapter but I really wanted to end and emphasize on the image of Jamie cutting the leashes around Alex's neck as it seemed very powerful and significant to the story and it is I think quite crucial further on as well. 

I actually realized that they have a mutual open relationship or polyamourous which wasn't even discussed which is interesting as I just had the thought now, but that's because they both started with partners or knowing that the other would sleep around (Alex). 

There's this specific photo of Hince in a jacket and he has this lightly irritated face and me and Callie kept discussing how Alex would be taking the piss as he'd wait to get his photo taken in the story. 

My dreams are odd as I feel to fortune tell or seem to sometimes dream of people of what their thoughts are and I actually had an odd moment with one of my exes as I had dreamt of their personal diary entry and I had asked them about it to puzzle them as they had such an entry, maybe I'll take that line to stick it in who knows xD I've been having a string of dreams about one of my exes and it's odd as there is no pattern just random things which are getting asked like to come back and etc, which is frankly uncomfortable, so I've decided to give Alex a bit of my dream fortune telling or rather ability to see what the fuck is going in the exes mind. 

And it's interesting how the title of the novel finally shows up in the oddest of ways, as Jamie's letters to Miles which he had returned, all and every single one of them. And it's interesting how the title has an ironic meaning, nostalgia, deja vu and parallel feelings being a massive background in the story, To Miles becoming an ironic title as he is both Alex's and Jamie's nearly former lover. 

I've spoken of the leash in the beginning, a fatal love is like drowning, lack of oxygen and when you're out, you get yanked out or a beloved just rips it open. 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did as I'm quite anxious as usual xD I'm already writing the next chapter :D 

Thank you!



To Miles 30


  1. Brilliant and poetic as usual!!!!! :D

  2. Awww, thank you so so so so much, sweetie:D it really made my day :3 and I saw it at the airport :D