CANTEEN 2

The fear of the next morning comes even before the morning strolls in to stroke the windows and I’m still with Miles, who is pretty much passed out and I had just nodded at Jamie, who had lit a cigarette and left, quickly glancing back and I had just snuck in, a key stolen from Miles for a while and everything was quiet besides the burn on my lips from the previous short kiss. Sexuality really slaps you, it doesn’t have to be everyone, it can only be that one person who yanks you out of the waters of your own misunderstanding and he had done so even if I didn’t even realize how attractive he was for a fair while. 

Maybe it’s my own break up with all my senses as I just sit in Miles’ arm chair and I wonder why didn’t he tell me about Ezra and if he does indeed wants to bend me over in two and I just feel like I’ve drank something sacred and I just take off the leather jacket, hearing Miles roll over closer to the wall and I take off my jeans and I wonder how obvious is it that I was attracted to men and how nothing had happened between me and Miles when even our own parents have decided to tell us it’s ok to come out, to which Miles came out and I didn’t.

Maybe the least obvious to you is actually what you are. 

It was really the question that I haven’t really been attracted to anyone, just strolling and watching Miles comment on different men and it so happened that, well, maybe not that it had so happened, maybe it does matter who those few people are, who do determine you. I still haven’t figured anything between Ezra and Miles and I just lay there, as Miles made weird noises and jerks. I never really saw anything about us sharing his big bed since he was a child and we would both get a kick of getting paint and actually colouring our bedrooms the same colours, which looking back, was pretty gay as well. 

I wonder quite a while until Miles himself wakes up and rubs his eyes, stretching, his shirt lifting itself up and there is nothing I haven’t seen and instead the image of Jamie stretching graces my mind and that’s when my entire being flushes, a new arousal, because people would pop in my head and would be gone by the end of the wanking session, everything sometimes far too bleak and I wonder how would it be to have his fingers wrapped around me.

“Where have you been, Dororthy? On the old yellow brick road? Found any more new friends to grace with-” Miles yawns until he snaps and leans against me, narrowing his eyes. “Since when the fuck do you smell of cigarette smoke?”

I try to ignore the Dorothy comment, as now I am no longer Dorothy, when I could be the one called with all these queers among me, in the end Miles is the child in braids and I’m perhaps a Scarecrow, just as queer as the rest, just bloody dumb to understand and was shallow enough to keep my Christmas present wrapped until Summer. 

I don’t look post-coital, but I surely feel that I’ve been bent over, my mouth closed not to be caught and the image keeps playing in my head, his teeth trailing down my neck, it’s not even fear, it’s fear of excitement, fear of finally breathing. Miles keeps narrowing his eyes even more, fringe now in his face.

“I went out.” Miles mutters for me to go on, pressing his lips together, the corner of his lips excited and curious, maybe just a bit jealous that I hadn’t dragged him out. My mind has a thunderstorm where I wonder if I should tell him about Jamie playing and how I had waiting for him and he just kissed me. There is no loss and I get scared that what if the sacred moment will flee my mind, but the kiss is still there, the small second where his lips touched mine playfully, my entire essence collapsing and how he had held me, metaphorically. I feel giggly. I still keep my silence.

“Who deflowered you-”

“Jamie kissed me-”

Are both said at the same time and I don’t know whose shock is harder at whose question or statement, as Miles just opens his mouth, raises his finger, then drops it and laughs lightly, a small bitterness reaching his voice. 

“Well, if he didn’t tell you, he surely wants to bend you over.” I see Jamie again in his dark attire, finishing the cigarette, the first traces of some odd jealousy without any possession. “I mean, you always want to be available for the person you really want, Alex.” 

My mind was more interested in how he had said my name, most likely to be dragged off when I’m far too sleepy and I just would have a lazy wank. 

“Jamie?” He pauses, some bitter happiness, strongly immersing. “Jamie Hince?”

I just nod, guilty and Miles just watches me, how I react, how I tense up, yet a smile plays upon my lips. Miles just stands up and I watch him, as he opens the curtains, to let the streetlights in. He motions me to follow him and we just exit silently with all the paintings both me and Miles have done over the years, having this wee obsession of both of us drawing and I feel terribly guilty, as Miles just keeps walking as we get to the kitchen and he starts boiling the kettle, leaning against the counter and I wonder if Jamie is passed out and I don’t know much about him and I’m scared that his secrets aren’t something I don’t want to hear of. All I know was that he was bullied and got chucked off for a while for getting into a fight later on with someone calling him gay and now he was back, Miles wouldn’t speak much of him, as his story seemed to have something else. 

Miles starts pouring the tea and I notice his shoulder shake lightly and he tries not to look at me. He starts musing outloud, though.

“...I guess it doesn’t really matter about sexuality.” He sighs, voice breaking. “It does boil down to if the person likes you or not... Funny, I’d tell myself it’s because you weren’t into other blokes. But I guess it does boil down to the blokes you’re into, rather than blokes.”

Miles just smiles and tries to shrug it off. I don’t know if I should continue the topic, but once the tea is poured and Miles gives me my mug and we head back, lights now turned on to reveal our embarrassing pajamas, Miles sits on the edge of the bed, taking a small sip, raising his eyebrows.

“So what happened? Did he fuck you?” I just blink, trying not to daze out and already feeling guilty, instead I just shake my head and maybe Miles realizes how stinging his jealousy is and he shifts to sit besides me and pats my shoulder, squeezing it afterwards.

“Alex, you’re queer, then!” He pauses. “I presume.”

I nod and he smiles, stretching on the bed, smiling to himself. 

I think the thing about friends is that usually people become friends out of a neccesity not to be lonely, when it came to me and Miles, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be lonely again, it was more of a I liked being around him because he wouldn’t pester me from randomly taking out a notebook and writing poetry. 

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It's interesting coz I'm also writing this other Jamie Hince story, which is called PDD or Hypoxyphilia which is pretty much about a doomed relationship, which is the opposite of this story as well, so I've kind of written for both today and depends on which mood that's where the idea gets chucked in xD

I started writing this in the plane all of a sudden, with this urge as I missed Alex and Jamie and I liked the whole idea and I kept discussing Jamie's backstory with Callie, so now I know and yeah, I had an idea for an ending but all be happy, as Callie prevented the catastrophe haha xD 

I think the line of the less obvious, because before you come out, well, at least to me and some other people, you really do cling onto your belief of being straight cis monogamous and yeah, and then you're not and it's a shock to yourself as well, a slap, as mentioned, a wake up call to be who you are. 

I was scared that what if this chapter isn't good as it just has dialogue between Miles and Alex, but the story does have milex in it, so yeah :P I'm I teasing?

(puts on Team Hincey shirt) 

Not obvious at all xD

Please tell me if you enjoyed it as I'm very excited about this story :O and request the next chapter :3

<3