Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Blue/Jacket 2

Sometimes I wish I could get lost in IKEA, but I don’t everything is far too straight forward to even get lost and I end up getting the lightbulbs, the missing plates and just a set of cutlery which looked nice before I leave. 

I think the thing which had been crossing my mind was the fact that during puberty I could’ve started all of this to be avoided, no periods, no developing breasts which I actually wondered why had they decided to come to me and also before all the previous girls. It had been horrible, feeling myself dissolve and everyone keep nagging how much of a girl should I be, how should my hair be, the disasters from walking in heels and the arguments about my fertility always going to waste, how I will never have children,

how I am not a woman,

not a child, 

just a disgrace.

Would we really kill a life to save another which doesn’t even exist and may be even worse than the one we know? 

I don’t see him even if it gets warmer, I’m sure he’s still in his One For The Road jacket and I wonder what he would wear right now and I even try ICA for a change, Coop and I don’t seem to run into him even if we are in the same building.

What makes it worse, the realization that my puberty could be avoided either shows itself on the canvas or on the opposite seems to strangle me. I keep doing all which is needed and I know that I am not yet close to surgery, still binding my chest and recalling how I would just bind it with whatever I could find and sport bras as well.

It rarely crosses my mind, but I know that I am still not a real man in the eyes of society, so that keeps me from ringing the door and regardless of how tempting the idea of just storming in and seeing him shirtless keeps me away, because frankly my last boyfriend had said that he’d stay with me if I would keep the vagina to which I had told him that I was going to transition regardless, signing up for everything just to close my pleading mouth.

People don’t understand how much disphoria tears you up inside, how much it howls, how much the body disgusts you and you wonder what the fuck else can you do with it. And somehow they still call you what your given genitals were, regardless, there’s this whole cult around hurting people and defending the ones who just rip the soil under your feet apart and I don’t understand why.

That’s why the queer community may be too hateful, but you’ll never bash anyone because you should never blame a victim for their actions of self-defense, there is a reason why there is an explanation deeper than hate. 

I had started wondering if he is the mirage I see in my desert of loneliness with no desire to go anywhere, my hands constantly drawing and endless cups of yea seaming to be surrounding me in a circle, ready to attack. I keep drawing more and more, more ink even up to my shoulders as I keep drawing with his face strictly in my mind, never aging.
I had seen him next time in the model store, checking out the ships, still in the same jacket and it just made me wonder even more.
He raised his dark eyes, curious with my presence.
He started in swedish again before smirking and apologizing in English, his mindset still turned to Swedish apparently. He nods that he’s heading out and I just follow him dumbly, still terrified as he takes out some pick and mix from his sling bag which I hadn’t even noticed he stretches it out to me and I’m scared to get licorice out of it, so I shake the bag a bit as he just watches me with soft eyes, curious. He lights a cigarette, not offering this time and breathing out the smoke.

“There isn’t any lakrits, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He inhales. I make a confused face. “Licorice.”

He smiles. 

I get some sour looking thing and hand it back. The man gets a jelly bean, coconut, I think. I keep looking at him and even if the pause is small, he manages to get three candies already and stretch me out the bag again as we keep walking and I see that we’re heading not towards the underground for a change. I still keep looking at him, finding nothing, no differences from the man from my childhood, even the neatly trimmed back of the head, the messed up quiff. 

“I’m Alex.” He hesitates to stretch his hand and does eventually. I shake it lightly, regretting that maybe I should’ve shown a firm hand. He also adds. “By the way.”

My ears start ringing, sometimes I get scared and I still give out my birth name, but something just manages to throw a blindfold upon me to believe that all is okay.

“‘M Miles.” I say, chewing on a gummy Hello Kitty, it’s not too bad and I decide that I should get it more often. But the fear still clings onto me like a wet shirt, which I can’t take off and seems to be friendly swimming with me, just giving me the discomfort of people thinking that I’m plainly odd (and hiding my chest). I quickly said my name before processing his. Alex. Alexander. It doesn’t ring a bell, just his appearance and jacket. I look at him, he doesn’t seem to have any paper rolls even if I feel as if he had some, but he didn’t and I imagine him holding them and painting.

“What do you work as?” I fire to cling onto the fabric of a dream. 

“I’m a nurse.” More jelly beans follow to be eaten. I pout a bit, but I quickly fix myself, saying that most likely he still draws in his free time, the image of him drawing new and fresh in my mind and far too vivid for a deja vu even. But he doesn’t hold anything and I’m sure he just watches any of the hospital soap operas, maybe silent instead of nagging and yet laughing when someone actually exclaims what’s wrong with it. His soft brown eyes lock on mine as we keep walking, he turns right from Åhlens and I wonder where he’s dragging me and why aren’t we heading to the tube, but I just let myself be led, no deja vu feelings as we start walking past the enormous H&M ads. 

“Oh, I’m an artist.” Alex smiles. “I’m not big or anything, I just take orders, do them and proceed, small jobs... here and there, too.”

He doesn’t ask me why am I in Sweden then and I wonder if it crosses his mind that it might be due to transition and I just keep watching him and he’s a bit shorter, but then I’ve always been quite tall and skinny, even if I do have breasts, they’re not as big as they could’ve been which makes it easier to the eye but surely not to the mind.

The fact that I draw doesn’t stir a lot of emotions, just curiosity as he keeps offering the pick and mix and only then I notice that his hands shake lightly and the fact that he might be just as anxious, a subtle deja vu maybe crossing him, seems to soothe me, it’s like a seesaw, now he’s the one up to get vertigo. 


I dunno, it's nice to kind of have a setting closer to my own as I'm pretty much back to walking around and spotting places where I'd set something and the past few days had been me trying to find a particular spot which should be mentioned in the next chapter or so and in general I've been musing a lot, but nothing is unveiled yet so I can't really go on about the places I've found xD 

I dunno, it's odd how I never really realized but I was quite dysphoric when I was growing up, my fluidity being something where I'd strictly be one or the other for a few months and I remember how troubled I was when my breasts started developing and I just had been dismissing it and I was just talking about hormones and I got really sad for a few days that indeed I had no idea about that, I had no idea that you could be accepted as the other gender, that it's ok, I dunno, it's really sad that your puberty could've changed if people weren't as ignorant. I don't think I would've taken them, but it's more of the fact and in general this story deals with transition, which is not something I want for myself as I am very fluid even if I wish my body was less feminine, I don't think I'd want anything even if I'm going through a more obvious male phase, finally not suppressing anything, so yeah. 

I dunno but one of the main arguments which are shoved is child birth and in general people who are born with vaginas are forced into bearing children, I've been told that such is the meaning of my life and frankly I disagree, just because I happen to want children of my own, doesn't mean that I should, I don't understand the cult of children and I pretty much say it explicitly. 

The model store is lovely and closes fucking early like everything really and I guess with the fact that Callie is interest din models pretty much inspired me and the fact that I want to get a wee model of a destroyer since I've been writing and in love with To Miles so yeah xD I need to stop being lazy and find one xD 

Lakrits is licorice and frankly Sweden is full of it, there's everything with licorice, I saw salty licorice syrup. I dunno, I can't eat it so when you walk through the candy aisles you'll see and smell it, so yeah xD

I dunno no matter where I've lived I have never seen Pick and Mix to be so fucking popular and here it's pretty much even in the wee stores, which is interesting and it's always one brand or Candy King and that's it and the prices jump from store to store a lot so yeah xD it's lovely, but again there's licorice everywhere and in general a lot of Swedish candy is quite weird, so the best ones are these really sour ones. And yes, get a bunch of random Hello Kitty in your Pick and Mix. 

I had struggled with Alex's choice of profession and frankly, I love anything with medicine and health and I dunno, anything around it, is fascinating and something I greatly enjoy, so nurses are amazing too and I always wanted to take some course to know how to do things, so far I can do really bad injections xD or bind arms or legs xD 

I dunno, I really enjoy having a non-cis character as it's quite closer even if I'm not as dysphoric when it comes to my own body and I don't identify as a transman, I dunno, it's still nice and yeah. Also the fact that it's Stockholm and I can use it just like I've used other cities before is lovely. 

Also I didn't expect Alex to be anxious, but this wee anxiety matches it even if he's a fucking goofball in the story.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, as I am quite anxious and hey I stayed up to post this :P 


No comments:

Post a Comment