Friday, 9 May 2014

You're Not Coming Back Again 10 & Epilogue

Coming back from Paris meant submerging myself and depression seems to null out everything, even not picking up phones, letting them ring, as I was curled in a ball, all of time slipping through my fingers and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten close to such a stubble ever and food supplies were done through deliveries until I could be yanked out and the fact that I would never be seemed to trigger me, so many things to clutch my hair out and pull it, the mind entirely numb and sometimes my hand still goes numb. 

The fear of Alex now being with me seems scarier and sometimes I oddly feel like I would be better if he would just leave me just like after Paris with Jamie’s words within me, I wouldn’t be something Alex could announce and thrashing something for someone who just seemed to be there sometimes, someone who couldn’t even speak to him and I still wonder where do I find the courage to believe in the fairytale that Alex loves me?

“Your love scares me.” I say when we’re both tucked in bed, awaiting life to shatter somehow, the fear comes stinging and twitching and it’s no longer an itch which seems to soothe with pills, it just keeps crawling deeper and deeper under the skin, springing free. 

He seems to be more stern than usual, his eyes finally giving out a significant glow, not even with a shield, some desire which I’ve never seen as we both dress up, Arabella seeming to be proud of herself as she fiddles with toys hanging to pretty much bother her, as her face seems far too carefree and I feel like I’m the only one holding fear for all three of us, all of a sudden, as we go towards the elevator, nodding to the neighbor who glances at all three of us and shuts the door.

In the elevator I start losing sense of reality, closing my eyes, scared-

and that’s when Alex kisses me, grabbing my wrists, holding them tight to give me feeling as his tongue enters my mouth and I give a surprised gasp as he keeps making out with me, releasing one of my wrists to hold the bar of the carriage and I feel once the door open that we would be revealed, but we just get more neighbors as Alex pulls away, fixes his collar and pushes the carriage forward, Arabella making a delighted noise as she observes Alex with her blue eyes. He smiles back at her and I don’t catch fear in his cheeks, I just catch some child-like concern like the first day of the week, when you know the week will be far from miserable and we exit, we don’t hold hands, Alex nearly reaching his pocket for cigarettes, but stops himself, smiling.

Arabella watches both of us and we quickly glance at each other.

He kisses me. He holds the kiss, I feel his excitement, his bottom lip trembles as he opens his mouth and I follow.

I’m not bait.

But we hear a flash.

And I turn around.

Another flash follows with questions as I just blink, now gripping the carriage and we just walk on, only now there is a man taking photos, asking questions as Alex just increases his speed and I keep my eyes on him, as he avoids the paparazzi, far more used than I am. He keeps following us right to the park. 

Alex reminds me of a dandelion, the wish well hidden when I had seen him and it’s not that he had changed, maybe it’s just the hope or the kisses he gives me now, the confidence that the dream will come true after you blow it all away to reveal the naked flower to chuck away, all it purpose gone with the wish upon the palms and soon enough there’s even a second paparazzi and I wonder how soon will the attention towards us fade, how many stores will censor two men with a child in a carriage, how many people will ask us who is the father, who is the mother and why does Arabella doesn’t even look like me,

people will dig out the certificates, people will call, hold a grudge and we will be frowned upon just because we had acted upon the love which happened between us far too many years ago and the thing is no matter how often you’ll hold it away, the grudge will still happen, people will still mutter, that’s the thing

because the miserable don’t understand the happy. 


I think when years pass you end up realizing you’ve lived a thousand lives and it stops being lives where I am with Alex and without Alex, in the end it ends up with him being right besides me, through all of it, through all the times my parents come back, through all the times the press attacked us. 

It even feels like it stopped being me, maybe that’s immortality all the lives you’ve lived. 

It’s not even the candles we’ve blown out. It ends up being all the people who have collapsed, all the people who have aged and I sit drinking coffee, Alex swearing as he gets hold of the cake too fast and nearly burns his fingers and I quickly glance at him, still lost in my thought before I start laughing and he calls me a wanker.

My anxiety rises but seeing Alex, glancing at all the photos of Arabella also pinned to the fridge not just only scattered all over the apartment as she would nag, not bothering to take off her shoes after coming home and having her back for summer break finally, seems as if the wait has been short and should be really be longer, until the silence is broken and Alex is still nursing his fingers as I give him some ice cubes, quickly pecking him on the cheek before heading towards the corridor, stepping over scattered clothing which Alex had a whole ordeal of choosing and eventually I head towards the door, opening to see Arabella with a newly shaved head. I smirk and I let her in, as her partner walks in behind her and I kiss them both on their cheeks, as Alex walks in with ice cubes in his hands and we all resume chatter. 


I'm sure I had more planned many many months ago, but it ended up being like this, as I felt that I've told everything, my mind closes to the end of a story and here it is. 

I've been awfully sad and I've tried a lot to avoid writing the epilogue as I've had the first part done for quite a while and I'm sorry for holding it off, I had a few ideas with Jamie in this AU, but I think I'll just keep that for another time and I've got plenty of Jamie stories now haha xD 

And it's weird I don't finish stories too often as a lot are still being written as I guess this is the blog's current format and frankly I'm depressed because I've started writing this back in September? I've really loved this story and whenever I was depressed I'd just go and write a bit of it and then I started writing GI. So yeah it's weird that all those three aren't together with this story now done. 

Too many things have happened and I was writing this story as I was getting into Milex so yeah, it's odd and now I'm listening to Old Yellow Bricks because it was the song which would get me in the mood to writing it and of course the story has my favourite scene well, one of my favourite which I've written which is Miles trying to commit suicide in the lake and Alex pulling him out.

And now, I can finally read it actually xD I don't read my stories until they are written, so I'm sorry if the story was bad in any way or unresolved but I pretty much did the full circle as through out the whole story Paris was the only thing untold closer to the end and here it is. 

I guess I just love the fact that I've managed to capture and show mental health and homosexuality and gay adoption in this story. A lot of things are of course presumed, as in left, like I didn't feel like writing Alex and Miles' proposal simply coz I didn't feel like it because the story was about the acceptance of oneself really. And sometimes the media and the family isn't as important as opening up to yourself and your partner. 

They weren't supposed to end up actually in the beginning, but by the middle Alex ended up having a change of heart. So yeah. 

I hope you really enjoyed it and I didn't include it but Arabella is pansexual and has an agender partner Leslie, just coz I don't want my stories to have cis straight people all over, coz I've had enough of those, because I do write for representation and that's why I try to write different love lines in different scenarios and I hope you will continue to enjoy my stories. 

I've actually written half a chapter for fucking everything xD I just need to finish the chapters haha xD

I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I have and please tell me if you did, if my own courage has helped you in any way, that would be lovely

Thank you for being with me through this awful year and I wish us all the best

Thank you




  1. Thank you so so so much :3 :3 :3

    I'm so so happy you enjoyed it:3


  2. I'm so glad I found this on your blog - had a hard time waiting for updates on ao3.
    I love it ... I love everything about this story! And I love the way you write ...
    Did you actually experience any of this yourself - cos I feel it

    1. Haha, that's alright! :D I'm super happy you found my blog and enjoyed the story! Thank you so so so much!

      Well, I've experienced a lot of heartbreak writing the story and I knew what would my parents reaction be once I would come out, which I'm doing now, so I based the rejection of what I would be going through:)

      Thank you so much!