Sometimes I feel like I’m the only crazy one, without friends, drawing until dawn, music in my ears, no longer wanting friends but a partner, the dreams shutting me off, as he keeps coming back and coincidence even stops being what it is.
He just smiles at me, I blink as I picked his name up from Jamie’s talk, as he had asked him if he had stalked up and Jamie seemed to ponder who to stay with, who to award with his presence. Alex muttered that he should’ve done shopping, causing Jamie to glance hopefully and Alex just shrugged, saying that he’s ok, that Jamie and Jack can be together for tonight. The ex boyfriend didn’t glance at me, as we all kept walking as they asked about me, thankfully no questions asked, when all my life I had to be friends with females, feeling uncomfortable with men who presumed me to be a straight cis female. Thing is until you realize your gender identity, your sexuality is a reason as well, because you don’t feel the attraction your assigned gender should feel, you don’t feel like your assigned gender, it’s the pondering at a mirror, making faces, leaning against the sink, wondering how would the body look without breasts, combing the hair back, touching foam, spreading it on the face and wishing there was something to shave.
I still feel Jamie’s stare on me, I feel intimidated as I feel him check out my chest, my coat thankfully covering quite below my hips and I feel intimidated, I just keep glancing back at him, never even having the urge to glance back.
Eventually, we all reach our destination, as I can’t help but glance one last time at Jamie, as he says bye to Al, moving his arms around before he pulls him in and I see Alex put his head briefly against Jamie’s shoulder.
It’s not even jealousy,
what do I even have with him?
I just happen to be speaking English as much as they do and I just had a few dreams of the man with the jacket and he doesn’t even paint. Once I get back home, Jamie lingers in my head and I wonder why. He makes me feel far too intimidated. I struggle before pulling my binder off, even if I had decided to shower earlier.
I head up to the mirror, glancing at myself sideways.
Nowhere close to my eye, even if it was someone else, I would tell them not to worry, but by the end of the day, it’s not even the society which pressures you, it’s the fact that the body feels foreign, society still clashing in the head, as hormones are nearly always prescribed to trans people, some natural heading in some direction,
but what would it change?
I take off the binder, pulling off the sports bra-
I stare at myself. I clench my jaw and put it back on-
I hear a knock on the door.
I put back everything on and grab a hoodie, zipping it, jumping through yesterday’s bought art supplies as I open the door to see Jamie, now his hair combed and I just stare at him. He quickly glances at Alex’s door.
“May I smoke?” He asks and in the middle of my nod, he just steps in, cigarette already lit and he inhales, politely still stepping on the rug, biting his bottom lip-
He’s surely fucked Alex.
I feel a ping in my hip, as I hug myself around the chest and Jamie just notices it. He smirks and lets himself think for a while. I myself slowly start sweating and shivering at the same time, the other man just blinks and offers me a cigarette.
I wonder about his raising and his stance on transmen.
“How do you know Alex?” He asks a bit too bitterly, digging his nails into the end of the cigarette. I notice his longer nails, yet they seem to be very well kept.
“I met him.”
“ICA?” I swallow. He doesn’t believe me.
“How long have you been living here?”
“About a month. Two.” His eyes glitter and I can see that he wants to ask why did I move, but he just glances at my chest again and I just tighten my hands around it, shivering, realizing that wherever I go regardless of how tight my binder will be, things will slip through people’s minds. Jamie takes one last inhale.
“You know Sodermalm?” I nod. “I’ll meet you near the train station tomorrow at ten p.m. Let’s get some beer.”
And he buttons his tight fitted coat, which frankly looks good on him. Jamie gives me a small wave and I watch him head up to the spiral stairs as I watch him and then he stops and glances at me, both of us, not blinking and he looks down with a small smile and heads off.
I close my door.
I open the door.
I consider my own decision and eventually I bang my hand against the door a few times, before slipping back into my shoes and I start walking faster, trying to catch up with him as the cold chilly air seems to be nothing like a scarf
and then I feel a warm presence as I turn around, feeling like I see fire from the corner of my eye and instead, I see nothing
until I realize that Jamie had headed that direction. I walk a bit, choosing the swing instead. I sit there for a while, glancing around, closing my eyes, for some reason I dream of Jamie in the jacket as he feeds himself grapes.
In the morning I dream of a man with his hair on fire, but he’s not Jamie, hair curled up to be flames.
But morning dreams don’t mean anything, I think as I turn around.
I try to sleep and sleep avoid me, as I wonder how Jamie got the jacket or maybe my own dreams are telling me that he knows that I’ve known Alex before, even if it doesn’t seem clear how would he know. But he showed up in the same jacket, as well, as if there is some metaphor behind it and I wonder of it, how long has Alex had it, maybe his father who looks identically like him has it and it was his father, who is a painter, because there are some differences, like why do I dream of Alex as if he were a painter?
I don’t know how you fall in love, because I’ve been having him in my head for years, already threading future together, because it seemed that he’d be the only one since he came to me in dreams and I don’t know,
you just fall in love with the fate you carry in your suitacase, it’s absurd and it’s there, wondering as much as you are.
The longing wraps me every day like a cocoon.
But Jamie still shows up in my dream and I see him lying on the train, arms crossed and feet against the window up and he glances at me, eyes big and green curious with all the emotions and cold running through my body as if he were touching me and once he looks away I still feel his touch and my lips cold from the lack of emotion I should be feeling against them.
And by the morning when I head out for a stroll to keep my head and I wonder how much wild life actually crawls out of the bushes I stumble onto teenagers still in platform shoes, how their hair changes to brighter colours as I head onwards, my jacket unzipped and I thank myself for wearing the binder, nearly abusing the recommendations sometimes as I keep walking, noticing how their bags get lighter and how they are most likely speaking of holidays and that’s when I press my head against the metal pole at the bus stop, closing my eyes, a light shiver running through my body as I still think of Jamie and his piercing eyes, how he has some distrust in me which seems to ride him.
And I recall the loneliness which washed over me after every morning wank, when I believed that it would set my head straight and it dawned on me how much I had started loving Alex, how I would wish to meet him, feel his jacket under my fingers and just lay in bed with him, waking early and drinking just to sleep again.
I think it’s powerful to find the energy within me every day to do things, to even look at people whose fate is entirely different from mine, from people who didn’t have to leave everything and who cringe at their own birth name and wonder how would everything wander off and how is it to wake up with oh so many less concerns.
Being trans in society feels like being on a train and banging your hand against the window to get off it, to get of into nowhere but you can’t be on the train to make you straight and cis and also think of the cuts and broken fingers as you keep pounding, face straight as you keep pounding, the pain devouring and nourishing the freedom which might not come at all, but your deviance remains.
I think it’s a question of self-worth because when you’ve been alone for a while, you start doubting yourself, what if my presence would push Alex away, what if there is just the string of fate holding upon us but upon discovering my face value, it would all be gone? There is also a difference between loneliness and solitude, you can be lonely with people while in solitude, you’re lonely by yourself.
It had always been an issue of distancing myself, only opening up to art, because there if I wore a binder in front the canvas, it wouldn’t care and I could scribble Miles all over it,
while life, life was different. I close my eyes tighter at the memory as I just exit the underground, eager for something.
I have far too much time to kill on my hand and when that happens that’s when the streets may turn into a blur, making me too anxious and I start doubting myself, I end up getting a milkshake just to feel the liquid go inside me as I walk around Södermalm, a bit confused where would even Jamie take me and I just wonder how much more will the longing continue destroying me, how daft I am for just believing in a dream, a reoccurring dream where we talk and the only thing which doesn’t match is the fact that apparently Alex has never held a brush in his hands and I can’t help but peek in every store, knowing that all belongs to the same clothing group, frowning at some prices and just pondering over others, always hesitating before going to the male section.
Sometimes I am thankful for changing behind a door, as the binder is revealed with myself.
And as I walk on, past the gay bar which looks like it crawled out of Amsterdam’s weed cafes I keep walking, hugging myself around the chest as I see some women check me out, most likely those who read that bra week on the lesbian section of autostraddle is something I would do and I just feel uncomfortable as I still see their smirks, most likely thinking that I’m closeted and I just reach the next turn and I pause, closing my eyes, my knees chattering
It’s weird to see how two people shatter, even if they had admitted to date each other or rather Jamie throwing out like an already discarded cigarette. I wonder what the hell had gone through them, as they seem to be fighting on knives, but somehow their mood not controlling their bizarre actions and I wonder how many times have they laid next to each other, both of them smoking a cigarette instead of sharing, not even a stance anymore, but the relationship so distant from love yet at an intimate stop where the question is just thrown in the air, like a ball
just to fall like a moon
why aren’t we dating.I glance at Jack.
“This is some obscure feminist shit.” Was spread and told to my face, as I would be sat down, knuckles slammed down, as I see Jack approach me and I keep seeing flashbacks-
I am somehow in his arms, as he asks me-
“Where did you meet Alex?” Jack is warm and I’m somehow crying, my vision black, all memories down to me-
the same said binder pinned to the table with shaking hands and accusing me of being a lesbian, since I wore a binder. I would just sit there as they would yell at me, that my hair wasn’t feminine and why the hell have I not even tried to learn to cook for my husband, that I should be something to be proud of, not something to be frowned upon and what were all these sex toys lying around and how come I had no man.
“Hey, you ok, ” I think that’s Jamie’s voice and I feel myself in the arm of the taller man, as my hands seem to fall from myself-
My own body catches on my confused consciousness, the shakiness, the accusation of being a lesbian whilst not being attracted to any women at all. I’ve taken the Kinsey scale test being solely homosexual.
When I open my eyes I can see both Jack and Jamie staring at me and for a second Jack’s hair seems lighter, but I just blink that as he smiles at Jamie. I get a cup of coffee shoved in my hands as I am slowly lifted up to see myself on a couch in some coffee shop, which I instantly think is overpriced as my vision shifts lightly and Jamie just yanks the cup against my teeth and I am solely forced to swallow, the drifting of memories still in mind. Jack swallows and quickly glances at Jamie, who just shrugs and I just keep observing them both.
“Miles...” He pauses. Jack scratches his face. He just shakes his head. My head winces with all it’s might and I moan lightly as I keep watching the two men and I wonder of their age and how much is even all of our age differences. I wonder how much is even Alex, as I keep observing them and Jack just drinks some coffee out of his own mug, Jamie’s drank and he just continues playing with his cigarette box-
I recall more dreaming of escaping as I feel like puking, but instead they keep shifting the cigarette box. Jack looks at Jamie pleadingly and Jamie just ignores it.
I shift and I feel it, biting my lip and no questions are asked and I wonder how much do they know and Jamie insists on following me to the disabled bathroom, where there is much more space and I just pale up. I nearly lose my balance as he just catches me and he’s far too close and I see his short, spread eyelashes before he glances at me, cold at first and then eases with a sigh.
“Miles, don’t worry. Jack was going to ask...” He pauses. “Y’know if you’re in that part of the month, but held. Look, don’t worry, ok?”
I feel like fainting as I feel him stroking my back now, as my head is against his shoulder. I feel Jamie tense up lightly.
“Look, I’m sorry. I... had the thought, but Jack told me, look, don’t worry, ok?” And he holds me until I can stand and then he turns around and gives me some privacy and I roll my eyes at the whole situation and when I sit down, my underwear revealing the nice patch of blood and I just swear, causing Jamie to nearly look back and I just wince, feeling dysphoric and feeling the gap between my legs. I don’t have anything on me.
I didn’t have it last month.
“Do... do you want Jack to get anything, Miles?” He asks and traces his fingers on the door handle and I just grunt, feeling a really bad cramp. My whole head is spinning. I grunt louder and that’s when Jamie turns and we both redden up and he just closes his eyes. “Shit, sorry, just checking on you, man. Shit, sorry.”
I smile weakly.
“Thanks.” Jamie nods. I take out my notebook out of my pocket and scribble with the pen, artist’s quirks, what I need and I hand it to Jamie. I wait for a while, now with Jamie as Jack knocks on the door again and I am freed at least from blood patches. Now, they buy me cake, which I don’t even refuse and Jamie just softly nags that he wishes he could smoke, if we sat outside, but instead we just sit inside. Jack slowly babbles on what he likes about Stockholm, how it’s filled with everyone and how you don’t feel foreign and how the weather doesn’t kill you. I watch him, as I feel Jamie’s concerned face. Then abruptly Jack stands up.
“Ok, I’ll leave you both on your date, yeah?” He swiftly grabs his coat from the coach besides me, as I still feel everything shift and me and Jamie look at each other. We blink. “Don’t go cheating on me, Jaime.”
I just am about to ask, but instead Jamie flips at Jack.
This ended up being a monster XD with nearly 3k in length and I got enormously carried away while writing it yesterday and I think it's quite wrong of me to chop it into smaller bits.
And I love Jamie in this story and in the whole Blue/Jacket/Start Finding Passion universe, so yeah :3
And I really love writing this story because I get to pretty much focus on how dysphoria is to me whilst I'm male and I quite like the fact that it's a trans story to be honest, which is great because unfortunately non-cis characters don't get a lot of attention.
I guess in general, even if I've got friends, I end up being quite skeptical a lot because I've had a bunch of people pretty much backstab me through out life and that's pretty much where I did an extreme version for Miles, who is pretty much isolated in the story and I guess how I always pictured myself to be. Also I find it interesting, sorry it's weird not to discuss parallels between me and Miles and I tend to do the stories with Miles far more personal, since he's an artist and I've pretty much graduated art school:)
It's a funny thing, at least for me and Callie until you figure out your gender identity our sexuality was quite hard to grasp to the honest and even my own, so I just pretty much stuck that experience here, but I understand that it's not the same for everyone and in our case we're both gay, so yeah.
It's a funny thing but when we came back to Stockholm before our holiday I kept pretty much raiding everything to find the perfect bar which I thought Jamie would drag Miles and I didn't really find anything too fitting besides this coffee shop which I think I just stuck a couch in, but it wasn't the reason the coffee shop was used, the bar is decided xD but I'll keep quiet about that:)
And I kind of had a row due to my beliefs in fate, fortune telling and dreams how I should make my own choices, which really distressed me, because as much as I may be angry in one way or another, I don't really shove my beliefs or lack of them in other people's faces, so I guess this story just becomes more important and yeah, all dreams have huge meanings behind them, like in life, really.
For some reason I kept having the image of Jamie in his coat lying on the train, so yeah xD
I guess as anyone who believes that assigned gender at birth is not above your actual gender, the gender matters I get angry at things like Autostraddle and the whole belief that transmen are lesbians. So, yeah, I softly stabbed at that and yesterday on tumblr I ended up with someone calling my gender identity some feminist shit, so of course I had to use that xD
and I got nervous and I wrote the paragraph and then edited it with Miles' nausea, which is more fitting and I was really feeling faint yesterday so all is accurate health wise xD
I was really trying to get forced onto female roles when I was growing up and still makes me shudder and gives me dysphoria at times.
Um, I have panic attacks and sometimes I will drag Callie with me and unfortunately the disabled bathroom is usually where I can just stay for a while with space alone or with Callie, as I can get claustrophobic whilst being outside, so I pretty much just gave that to Jamie and Miles.
I was thinking about it, but the thing is, we don't always pass and sometimes well, people just see that we're trans and I don't think it's a big issue, it is dysphoric at times, well, most of the time, but I dunno our society just forces us into the whole passing thing unfortunately, so yeah. I pretty much decided that Jack had taken a guess and told Jamie, who had his own thoughts and please note that Miles just started trasnitioning and yeah, I don't pass mostly, so nothing I can do if people decide to enforce gender upon me, sometimes I pass though, so yeah
Ah, yes, Jaime. I still like how it sounds xD Um, google it, it's quite an interesting variation:)
I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for your support