To Miles 32

I wonder if there’s anything else to speak of Matt, how we had done everything together and how my lips had been cut off his harshly for me to see them bleed once I’d press my fingers against them and I’d see Matt with others. The rest of the evening is spent in a very drunk haze, all of us recalling that we should get back on the ship due to the late hours and early start in the morning, that we should be on our way and only then war lingers it’s way into our talk. We should be doing some final training before heading back and Karen mentions that it’s Stalin’s birthday to which a blonde woman joins us, rolling her eyes at Karen, as Karen and Jamie quickly exchange some secret glance, to which the blonde woman is oblivious. I observe her neat pink and white checkered dress as she introduces herself as Marina and we all shake hands and she just smiles. 

I observe her for a while and I think Jamie fixes his glance on her for a while, I watch her interactions with Karen, as Karen talks loudly and Jamie always lights one cigarette for her after another, as they discuss what to do with the place and Marina mentions that she heard of the Bismarck being blown up and Jamie presumes that they would tell us tomorrow. We count the remaining hours and we excuse ourselves, as I glance at Marina again how she interacts with Karen, how they both keep waving their arms around, pointing at walls or ceilings and it’s odd to see a woman actually attractive for once and I quickly notice Jamie look away, a bit locked in thoughts and I smirk to myself. I light the cigarette and I blow smoke in his face, as he is spaced out in his thoughts, he glances at me and I feel my whole self freeze, it’s odd how I never noticed before how attractive he was, it’s also pleasant to see him in other attire, a more groomed version of him and less tired. I hold myself from kissing him again, as we are far too close and Jamie’s green eyes nearly closed and we just clear our throats and pull away, to which I see Karen pout.

“What? No kiss? C’mon, both of you are grown men.” The woman holds her fake frown, still pouting and soon enough grinning, to which Marina pushes her lightly.

“Oi, when I brought my girlfriend, you told us to cut it out.” She says, without an hint of annoyance and I notice her subtle flirting and attempt to pierce Karen with her stare, to which Karen is surely not oblivious to as she exhales, raising her head. 

“That’s different darling, I get distracted when it’s two women, when it’s two men, I honestly don’t care and they would be filing their nails if we were to make out.” Me and Jamie both laugh, as Jamie finishes his wine. Marina just blushes lightly. We leave hands locked but as soon as we leave the building, we drop our hands to side, burning and I just stick my hands in my pockets. Jamie looks far too good for his age, it dawns on me, because I recall my parents when they were his age and they seemed ancient. We walk back in silence in the beginning, as we start discussing the Royal Navy and our own predictions, how pretty much we don’t know what awaits us and that Alison’s cards all scream war, but they don’t speak of the intensity or maybe Alison herself doesn’t want to tell and I wonder what she writes to Jamie in her letters, how many fond words they say to each other. 

I get anxious as we approach the ship and we agree to meet in one hour and I keep watching him the whole time, as he just talks about whatever is on his mind, discussing how we should spend Christmas, since we’ll be in the same town and most likely we’ll just rent something and I already understand that I should be thinking of a Christmas gift and the poem is still with me. But as soon as we enter the ship, Jamie pauses, looks around and we head in, he tells me to remain silent before we bump into some sailor, who I just recall seeing in the canteen and he pales up. He salutes Jamie and is too scared to even do anything. 

“Fucking hell.” Jamie mutters as he starts opening all rooms, to see some men missing, as I slowly follow him, but he keeps checking every room, the sailor from earlier still pale and shaking, much younger than I am. In the end we head into the orlop which is guarded by another sailor and once the door is pushed open, the sailor nearly pushed away to the floor as I grab him by his arm and his whole body is shaking. 

“AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?” Jamie yells, face red and I can’t even blink as the men in front of us all drop that they’re doing, which is pretty much each other and salute the captain. I can’t help but smirk as Jamie just closes his eyes with his palm. I see his shoulders ache and there’s a split second, where he looks hurt and looks like he’s taking the decision of cutting off his own leg or shooting himself to avoid pain. “YOU ARE SERVING AMERICA, NOT YOUR OWN GODDAMN HELLISH NEEDS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND. YOU AND YOUR SINS ARE NOT ONLY NOT WELCOME ON BOARD MY SHIP, BUT ONBOARD THE FUCKING NAVY WHICH PROTECTS THE GOD’S LAND OF OUR COUNTRY.”

Jamie’s voice shakes, but it’s seen as a shake of rage. 

“THIS IS WAR. WE SHOULD BE FIGHTING THE GERMANS IF WE HAVE TO, NOT OUR DEMONS.” He stretches his arm towards the door. “NONE OF YOU ARE ONBOARD MY SHIP NOW. ALL OF YOU WILL BE REPORTED AND HOPEFULLY PUT IN JAIL. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR CONSEQUENCES.” 

And all are dismissed as they dress and Jamie silently smokes a cigarette. He approaches me, as I am too null to act. 

“In an hour.” He tells me again and throws the cigarette on the floor, for some other sailor to pick up as they slowly start leaving.

The outrage barely gives ourselves time to sleep and I slip into the room, seeing Miles reading with a flashlight and he has enormous bags under his eyes. He watches me as I change and I try not to focus on it. He touches my waist and I freeze as his hand remains there. I try not to think of the men, which were all in the middle of sexual acts, some kissing, some just fucking and there’s Miles not only in front of me, but in my thoughts as well. 

I’m not interested in his confusion. 

I close my eyes, but before I speak, he does.

“I need to talk to you, Al.” And he stands up, excusing himself and heads out of the door. I wonder what does he even want to say, but I just continue changing and I make sure to time it, so that I wouldn’t miss fucking Jamie. I think we’re both aware of our late fucking session, which is still tainted by the men getting sent off. I ruffle my hair, a bit embarrassed of the thought and I exit the room, thinking of pinning Jamie down and stroking him harshly, as he’s still dressed (even if I’m sure he changed). I get hard thinking, but I just try to shrug it off, the lights a bit dim, thankfully and I just follow Miles, as he heads up. I stop.

“Wait, I’m not going to fucking discuss your issues with Jamie-”

“Jamie?” Miles hisses. 

“Well, I can’t really call him Captain Hince in bed, can I?” I snap. I feel like we are two school boys in a quarrel and I get scared all of a sudden. He’s known Jamie longer. Maybe I shouldn’t be blurting out our relationship, but then it’s more than obvious to Miles. 

He leads me to the deck again and I feel like I’m shuffling two relationships and I watch him. He knows. Miles knows that I’m still attracted to him and I just flinch when he puts his hand on my shoulder and the thought of kissing him races through my head,

his hand is on my cheek,

I’m not a good person,

he takes me by the chin,

He wants to hurt Jamie. That shatters my image and I just yank myself out of his touch. I turn around, shivering from the cold, already observing the snowflakes fall and try to flirt with the ship, as I just hear Miles lighting his cigarette and I turn around. 

He just stands there and I don’t know who he longs for, but I can be there for him and I recall how we had first kissed, our sex, how I had believed in his love, the anxiety which was entirely opposite to the confession I had with Jamie, which seemed to just bluntly say the state we were in and I wonder how would I describe my love with Miles?

How would I describe my lust for someone who seems not only to be destroying me but the love of my life-

My eyes widen. I light a cigarette myself and I head up to Miles and I look into his eyes and I wonder what Jamie is doing. My hands shake, my own fear of reality dawns on me and the fear strangles me as if I were on gallows. As I push Miles forward, destroying myself with the plain fear of the self and we make out briefly, as I let myself be destroyed with the fear of being calm-

I won’t be calm, I expel myself from the absurd kiss. 

“Why are you with Jamie?” Snow starts covering the deck and our own clouded thoughts. He asks me.

“Because I love him.” Obvious stated. Maybe this is my own coda, maybe I am Miles. Maybe I’m not as good as Jamie. 

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Because I love you too.” I kiss him again, letting the devil take me, because Jamie never was the devil, he never was the love elixir which had fallen upon me, dictating who to fall in love with, but instead I had fallen in love with Jamie. 

Destroy me, Miles. I keep my eyes closed as he just lights a new cigarette, breathing smoke in my face. I observe his smirk. Maybe I’ll lose them both through that metallic, empty, bloodless kiss. He traces his fingers upon my cheek. 

“I think neither of us are worthy of Jamie.” I mutter. Miles pauses and after a while, throws a half smoked cigarette into the sea.

“...I think so too. Since you fucked up.” He grins a bit too widely. I make my mind about not going to Jamie’s. 

After that we just head back, time not even taking its course, everything moving too rapidly, as if the corners of my mouth are stretched and I am forced to watch reality through the lenses of anxiety, allowing ourselves to discuss our own fucked up minds in the morning, as I try to sleep, trembling and checking my watch, trembling even more until the light is flicked on harshly and I open my eyes to see Jamie, now in Captain’s hat and everyone looking at him, he hushes everyone to just salute on the beds. 

“Turner, I need you as evidence.” I remain in the bed. Jamie rolls his eyes. “Turner, NOW.”

And he bangs the door, as Carlos and Julian I guess exchange silent glances as Miles just watches me. I dress up fast, my fingers shaking. Julian stands up and helps me button my uniform and I feel myself shaking. 

It’s the orlop, isn’t it?

Was Alex in it?

I heard they’re sending off twenty men?

How many were there?

Did Alex see it?

Jamie opens the door again and I feel that I could faint, but instead I follow him, as Miles stops Julian from following me and I glance one last time into Miles’ dark eyes, which had captivated me long ago. I stumble on my steps and as soon as we enter the room Jamie presses me against the wall, hungrily kissing me and stops once he realizes how frozen I am and I nearly slide down, as he stops and whatever he asks me feels as if I am underground

under water

I hear my own scream,

before I collapse onto the floor, feeling the thud,

Jamie’s arms catching me right before the fall and I just feel my whole body give in, I hear the door being banged open and I hear Jamie’s voice

and all I think is of the poem I’ve not read and the love I want to give in,

the truth is

I love him,

but-

what if he doesn’t?

What if he’d leave me?

What if he’d never leave Alison, like Miles would hiss?

I feel water upon me, I keep feeling Jamie’s fingers above others. I believe I am soon taken off somewhere, maybe off the ship, maybe-

maybe

I ease in his touch, in his love

which never lets me end. 

-

Sorry if this might end up being short, as I'm quite tired xD and yeah, I wanted to post it :3

I dunno, I'm quite proud of To Miles and I hope you've been enjoying the journey and don't worry there's more ahead, but yeah I think about two-three scenes are left until the end of this part and yeah, Miles is slowly getting back and Alex's anxiety is rising. 

Marina showed up xD both Marina and Meg were thought of nearly before their chapters had been written and their story arcs are yet to happen and yeah it's weird how soon enough different characters will be in the spotlight, well besides the main ones of course:3 (spoiler? kindaaa xD) anyway :3 it's hard to speak now without spoiling and yeah, Marina is just gorgeous really and I guess the fact that I'm fluid leaked in a bit xD but yeah, Alex is gay and I was quite anxious, but yeah :3 

and I found it funny that so far there is only one heterosexual cis couple which is Alison and Jamie xD 

The filing nails was a mock to Jamie filing his nails many many chapters ago really xD 

The orgy scene was thought of quite a while back when they were just heading over to the cabaret and I was in general really anxious of the fast pace of this chapter, but with Alex collapsing I think it makes a lot of sense, since he is fairly feeling unwell apparently :) 

Oh, yes, Jamie's speeches always amuse me and are fun to write with their stupidity xD and in general that's how Captain Hince was supposed to be, but in the end he developed into the character I hope we all love, coz he is great xD 

I think Miles' comeback was planned and milex is in general and it's quite awaited I think even if I pretty much don't like Miles at this point, but he's a crucial character and I'll keep silent on how it's going and yeah :) 

I always have anxious characters when it comes to love and I guess this is where it strikes Alex. 

I think this chapter speaks for itself and here it is. 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I had and please pop me a message or in the comment section below, as I'm just as anxious as Alex :3

<3

Jamie

To Miles 33