Monday, 9 June 2014

Close 4

London seems distant, its colours washed away, everyone looking the same and the gloom seemed to be injected not just onto the people, but onto the streets as well, but I seem to have some cheer within me, just because I’m with Jamie, trailing behind, just to watch him, letting my imagination wander. 

But I know that I stumble from the lack of his attention, his interest in me nearly gone and blown from his own fingertips, the powder dissolving as if in water, it so does in air. 

He seems to be counting the days silently, as we seem to be some crooked reflection, some odd balance where all the love we’ve held is tipped over to me, as his depression seems to be taking its toll. There are days when he is always in the mask, pulling me closer, letting himself pretend and there are days when we just sit outside, Jamie looking above at the sun, as if it can no longer blind the dead. 

My body seems to rejoice from being with him and slowly I try to ask him, as squirrels seem to jump and replace the eagerness of life in all of us. 

Have you ever walked drunk under the stars with rock under your feet, tumbling?

It makes you feel fucking miserable, the at you want to puke and I wonder when would the watch just fall and break, showing how insignificant time is and Jamie’s belief in Kate’s death would pass, as he sometimes puts the ring back on, just when I’m about to exit from the shower, his eyes nearly closed, slowly putting on the ring, before gingerly taking it off, he doesn’t speak of it, only his mere thoughts lingering, 

maybe the dream of death foresees death, but usually it means a long life,

but does it count suicide?

As his eyes just look at me, as he looks at me from the floor, his mind slowly coming up with a bigger robbery, his mind on the floor with his head and I wonder how he had looked younger, how his hair had felt and how much lighter he had been. 

And I wonder upon my own feelings, how they overflow and with Kate’s death he had flung himself upon me, the ideas glittering in his eyes, the obsession read in books and the desire of doing something he had done before, some sort of harsh crossing out to forget how he was like with a woman he loved, how he had everything planned, his mouth speaking as sleep would slowly cuddle against him. 

My own fear of losing him gone, just anxiety over when would he kiss me without guilt and without the desire to erase it as soon as he realizes his doing days later whilst siting on a beach, throwing rocks. There’s a desire of going back with him.

Anxiety seems to be tearing him down, as he seems to be planning, forgetting that he is even chain smoking as he’d sit staring at the window and we’d change hotel rooms not even for our own security but for the plain fact that he believed that the right room would give him the right idea as he’d even sleep on the floor for inspiration and I would watch him, feeling his tense up even under my touch, his sleep becoming extinct as something healthy as it seemed like some backup plan which would lure him into ideas, one after another as he’d try to voice them but none seemed to make sense and we’d just walk out and walk around.

Robbing a bank seemed too obvious. 

I saw him hold a photo of her and his eyes glittered and I just took the photo, ripping it in half, not that I disrespected her at the time, I just didn’t want to do the same thing she had done-

and his eyes darkened.

I wasn’t Kate.

I wouldn’t have the guts, my knees wobbling at the thought as he had told me of the incident, shaken by her death and seeing it as something beautiful, how her hair became red and how her life seemed to seep away not just from her body but through his fingers, 

and I know how he regrets not being fully conscious, wounded to even fight back,

how they hadn’t repeated it-

even if it was heavily intended, an obscure feeling should’ve been felt is what I had always thought and I wonder how would everyone’s blood taste like-

but the thing is, was it the bad blood to kill?

and I glance at him again and I wonder if he would point the gun at me, but instead he just stares at it, sighing, his own strange feeling of resolution gone,

and he goes to bed, calling me even if on the outside he seems grasping of smaller crime,

I know the blood he wants,

and maybe it’s Kate’s all over again, with her bleached blonde hair

and I wonder if I would become the symbol by actually letting the trigger out, walking maybe outside myself, getting the car and instead of a gag gone wrong, we’d actually drive, looking back 

to see nothing split, but blood and disaster ruined. 

Anxiety strangles me in my sleep as I wake screaming from the opened window and Jamie smoking, the light from the lighter no longer illuminating the room with Jamie cluttering the room with his existence as I pull the covers over me, praying

the death


And it's been nearly two years XD I'm so sorry, but until recent I've been running on a request basis and nothing was really asked about Close, so it was stored on the shelf, making Callie quite angry as this one of her favourite stories, so she would always sulk about it:)

And yeah, I think I just went through and I don't really read my stuff and it seemed awfully interesting with Jamie and Alison running around and Kate's death hovering. I was sad that it never got finished. And I pretty much picked it up all over again with my renewed Kills obsession I mean, Jamie Hince obsession and I just keep looking at old stuff and updating it, because my love for them is pretty much back and I'm happy that well they seemed to find some peace among themselves even if to be honest, I don't think they'll get back together, but at least they're not snapping at each other all the time xD but I still ship them, we all do xD I still feel a bit off Alison, maybe because every fucking photo of them live is usually Alison and the videos XD and I'm like c'mon, camera left please XD 

Anyway, about the story

I actually wrote this chapter a day or two ago ? XD and I've also picked up Pillshop:) which is a Jamie/Jack story :3 so pretty much The Kills/Jamie updates all over on earlier stories xD

I dunno I guess what got me off them was their very cold era during Dream and Drive and it kind of even was the reason I didn't get the book, I just didn't want a toned down version of their relationship, because again, we know thanks to Kenneth who thankfully stated the obvious, that they had indeed dated and then broke up and that its was weird, so I'm pretty much in the same mindset now that I've cooled down my own pissed state at their passive-agression and so have they.

I think in general I really find Jamie inspiring and his descriptions of his state really kind of empower me, because I get really bad depression episodes sometimes and I guess that's why I love showing Jamie's depression in stories and in general he becomes an easy or rather natural character to write. 

I stopped writing the chapter as to be honest I'm still thinking what kind of crime I want them to commit next and I kept wondering, like literally asking myself what would Jamie do and I guess as any Kills fan I recalled Florence Rey, which to be very honest, I've tried seeing some… romanticism in it and I guess I just can't. I see the appeal, like I get what he means, but it just goes past me, I guess I've got a different mindset and in general my own attitude towards deaths is different with everything going on. I dunno, I find more psychological murders more interesting then, while Florence is quite in your face, which I guess… I dunno, I really try, I just don't get it, but either way, that's not for me to romanticize 

So his whole kind of even obsession with Kate, which seems to be love as well, seems interesting and making Kate the Florence Rey of this story was an idea which just clicked in my head, when I was just asking Callie a few weeks ago, that I had no idea how Kate died and then it just seemed to match perfectly xD

And I guess I've shoved my own reaction to being a Florence Rey in the shape of Alison and in general Alison didn't seemed too thrilled as Jamie did, so there

I dunno, I really missed Close and I hope you did as well

If you liked it, please tell so I can continue with a light heart xD and in general if you can just pop me a message, telling that you liked it or any old story, honestly:) I'm quite a depressive, anxious person so all would make my day, honestly:3

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you



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