We pass on misery onto our children.
I think that I am happy, because I will seal away this misery within myself with the lack of a bathtub, where I can put my feet out because it is far too hot.
Instead I go from river Clyde to Fife and back, counting the acne I’ve got on my face.
I haven’t noticed how tired Nicky is, until he was actually blowing me, I was grabbing his face closer to my own and in the shadow his circles looked deeper, as if he was holding the pain for both of us and we stopped.
I walked towards the mirror, skipping over the clothes, getting tangled in jeans and I would see myself naked, weight lost and the desire for food flirting with my mind.
My scars have healed, because I’ve reached the point where suicide is answered with a what or why. It holds no point anymore because I’ve held so long, there is no point to hold on as there is no end everything.
Boredom has been lulling me away from the thoughts of suicide and self-harm after shaving my head doesn’t have a reason. I feel like I’ve lost everything, money and a home and a chance in life, just Nicky, the other side.
The dog is dead and Nicky’s here, coming out, didn’t even exist, it was more about being with your twin, it had incest rather than homosexuality.
It wasn’t closing my eyes on boys who sucked each other off when I wanted to piss in school. It didn’t make me want to puke. Instead it had been different,
common sense gives you homophobia, so that the first time you actually fall for someone the same sex, it’s a different sin than incest, both have the barrier of actually touching yourself to that person for the first time.
I just recall how I couldn’t hold and I waited for Nicky to leave to football practice and I had sat on the toilet, praying to something I didn’t believe and I knew that I was going to give up, you don’t label yourself, I found it bizarre before how people would say they don’t label themselves, but you’re so busy thinking about the person that you just do it.
It takes a motherfucking long while, your thoughts are racing, the whole body is sweating and nothing can be done, when you’re done.
Nicky had asked me what the fuck was going on and I said nothing until he grabbed me.
I believe someone had wanked to me then,
and he kissed me.
There was another bond to break, it wasn’t about myself then, but rather it was about us, that’s when the time thinking about labels begins, when you’re free to fiddle around, when the person is given to you, thankfully.
Suicide would give me nothing and change nothing.
I’d have nothing as well with a Nicky.
I don’t have a home anymore and I don’t know what tomorrow will be, but now I have Nicky, I have a lover. And when your brother becomes your lover, you start fucking and I think fucking gives you endorphins.
I feel Nicky pull my underwear down and I feel myself hardening as I bite my lip, as he licks down my abdomen and I don’t look down, spreading my legs out, stretching my arms as I feel him take me in his mouth and I gasp, arching my back, grabbing his head and thrusting harder and I feel him gag lightly, so I pull out a bit, watching him, as I feel myself warm up.
“Nicky...” I breathe, pulling his hair, gasping, my mouth open and I start moaning, no more energy to fucking bite my lips anymore as he keeps sucking me off.
Then I pull him up by his hair.
I bite his neck, tracing my fingers on his torso and I wonder if this would be a form of narcissism, the only difference being about a centimeter in our height and sometimes my eyes seem darker than his, but maybe it’s an illusion for me to convince myself that I am not in any way fucking myself.
Sometimes I get too many notes in my head, which become a mess and become noise afterwards. Sometimes I recall liking other men, when I listen to Joy Division, sometimes it’s bizarre, when I kiss Nicky, knowing that I found everything and sometimes I want to drop it all, but other people scare me with their stupidity.
“C’mon, we need to shower.” I pull him up, pulling his underwear down and we go both hands united, both grinning and knowing that sex is ahead, we turn on the water and it is cold at first, Nicky shakes but then I go on my knees, the cold water keeping me sane until it changes but I still blow him, my nails digging in his skin, as I start licking the tip of his cock solely, Nicky holding onto the walls, the water now concentrating on my head, so I close my eyes and it amuses me how we both have our eyes closed and even when I’m sucking him, I’m scared of what awaits us, because what concerns me or Nicky is not what people are concerned about anymore. They have home and money, but no love, while we have each other.
I gently tug the tip with my teeth before taking him as much as I can in my mouth, which is a lot, I guess due to training and the fact that I want him inside anywhere possible. I start stroking his cock as I keep sliding it in and out of my mouth. I take my tongue out and I start sliding Nicky’s cock up and down, slowly fingering myself.
Nicky notices and pulls me up.
“What?” I smirk and he frenches me, sliding in a finger and I start gasping and moaning again.
“Fuck me.” And he presses me against the wall, I feel the cold against my cock and it turns me on as he spreads out my buttcheeks, biting my shoulder, I hear him swear in pleasure as he slowly goes inside me, fucking me in and out, pressing me harder against the wall, pulling me by the hair to make out with me as my cock gets harder, now in his hand as he strokes it and I can’t hold, pushing his hips deeper inside me, as I keep bending backwards in pleasure, opening my eyes to see his closed yet licking my neck.
Now I pin him against the wall, taking him out of me and I slide inside him as he screams in pleasure, but Nicky continues to finger me even harder, pulling my lips with his teeth, sliding a third finger, scissoring, biting my neck, pulling my hair, moaning, looking into my eyes, fuck
I pull him as hard as I can, our hips slamming into each other and I feel a horrid cramp in my neck from a bad position, but I don’t care, our tongues sticking out of our mouths, licking each other, Nicky gasping too loudly, pulling me by the hair and fucking me with his fingers as I fuck him and fuck, it feels like I’m on a ride and it keeps getting better, all pain mute and I don’t feel that I’ve ever cried or cut myself, I just feel Nicky
and I come, screaming before biting hard into his shoulder, digging my nails painfully deep into Nicky’s hips as I feel myself filling him, still thrusting as Nicky comes against my stomach, licking my lips before we start making out again, I pull his face, as he wraps his hands around me, stroking my hair and I want to fuck him again.
“I can’t stop.” I say between breaths and I press him fully against the wall and I start fingering him with one finger, teasing him as he feels the lack and I keep watching him, recovering from the last orgasm and I turn him to face me and I peck him on the lips, before taking both of our cocks in my hand, Nicky putting his hand on mine and we start stroking both of our penises, my head on his shoulder and his on mine, as he watches me, I can feel it and I keep kissing any piece of skin I can find and fear still visits me right before I orgasms, so I stroke harder, screaming, feeling myself vulnerable and without a future, yet having love and support from someone who is identical to me, sometimes it even feels that we are the same person, when he comes, I don’t understand how I don’t feel both of us and that depresses me, because I know we came to the world together, but for us to leave the world together it would either be fated by an accident or one of us taking the life right after.
I can’t lie, saying I’m not scared, I can’t say all is crap, all I can do is be here, that’s why when people see me suicidal I don’t understand, nothing is to lose, but something might be gained. Nicky is the guarantee I get in my life and everything else now seems to be temporary like the weather, I can’t guess neither can the Met office.
And any reference to anything I will leave makes me sad, as I don’t know when I will come back and what home will be. What change will it have.
Nicky pulls his head back and his exposed neck, which I lick makes me come and I just hold him, knowing that I am not alone, unless I leave.
It was quite a hard story to write, as I am pretty much fucked at the moment and just like Richey, I don't know what tomorrow will be. I've been pretty awful for the past week with so many turns. I have my downs and ups and that really influenced. All the backstory would really be my situation now and I can't say its personal, its just inspired about how lost I feel yet I have someone at my side at all costs. I was actually thinking about it, how I find it bizarre that I am the only one who I know my age roughly, who is at such a steady relationship and Richey and Nicky's relation even in the manics was awfully strong.
Richey is always a special person to me, even if I've never known him, as I am a hardcore Richey fan, no matter how much I look at it and I love writing him, I've really missed writing him and I've rediscovered manics for myself again, even a bit of post-Richey, not just Born A Girl xD because I've always been glued to the Holy Bible, really xD
Again talking about the backstory and what inspired without my situation is bizarre.
I don't know what will happen and it scares me, I have a lot of anger right now and sadness, which comes and goes, I've tried to give it to Richey and I do keep thinking why don't I write something not related to my situation now, but that's the point, writing what you know, because I can clearly explain what I feel and here it is really.
I just really miss searching for inspiration during the day a lot, rather than just trying to get what I feel out of me.
I feel that I might be judged, because now I am deeply judged, I guess like Richey, not to such an extreme level, I didn't like myself and when crap happens it gets worse so yeah.
I can continue this if you wish so and I'm sorry if my writing is too inspired by whats going on, but then She's Suffering or anything is inspired, all is inspired by life.
I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request :)
I am going to mercilessly steal This is Yesterday for the title, because both Richey and me are living in yesterday, tomorrow is bleak and unknown. But we both have Nickys who are just too optimistic (I'm getting grins now).