Snap Out Of It 4

Days seem to want to pass and the new medicine starts working, Arielle's death still hands on a chandelier and sometimes it slams full in my head. Sometimes it's far too much, because just like people dissapear there becomes no explanation to a suicide. I start crying far more about her passing, her cheating and all the disaster that everything is gone entirely. Jamie's surprise had been a picnic in the woods. We had to be fast before the sun would set, reminding us of the time of the year. He just kept checking on me in utter silence and I could see by his lips that he kept thinking about the sole kiss we had shared. I didn't know how I felt after it if I had wanted more or rather how much more had I wanted. And I couldn't deny that it would put me and Miles under a very different light where we were both seen as schoolboys who hadn't discovered sex yet, that is why we hadn't progressed so far. 

I was surprised by the sudden picnic and I wondered if it was the same thing with having Jamie over, were we also schoolboys? How long had he liked me then? Did he like me before he started taking care of me? I just sat on the mat with my long coat, regretting the light attire I had chosen and I was sure that we would end the picnic in the car eventually. That's when our eyes had finally met, allowing at least our body language to resolve what had been going on in our mouths. My body shivers when I think if he will sleep on the couch again, but I can't help but think of the times when he would crawl into my bed to talk me to sleep. 

For the first time I think of the bands, that somehow I will have to come back to. But regarding that picnic, my mind just wanders to it.

We were perfectly alone and it dawned on us. Maybe it dawned on me first, because I perfectly knew that he wouldn't do anything if I wouldn't initiate and that day I wanted closure desperately. I regretted that I had never touched Miles and that probably led me to kiss Jamie again. 
 
Maybe it was the dizziness of the new medicine, because they always tell you that you will feel weird. Well, I had wanted to feel anything which would go deeper into craving. And I knew that he could give it to me. I leaned towards him over the handmade sandwiches and I kissed him again.

"Please don't hold." I told him and he opened his mouth under my own, quickly excusing himself to be next to me. I could see that we're both too embarrassed to say anything, because once you realize what's going on there is no turning back. My whole body ached from the adrenaline, as I allowed him in my mouth. Jamie pushed me onto the grass and I felt how cold it was, but I didn't care, both of us kissing passionately, as we had both found a new lover in each other. I don't even know what we are to each other. 

He moved to my neck and I wondered for how long had I been the thought in the back of his mind, how long had I lingered there? For how long had he wanted me? I moaned loudly, thankful that we had driven somewhere far. I thought a bit about getting caught and reported for-
 
Oh, right.

Jamie let his hand wander down and he rubbed my already hard cock. 

Right, for public sex. I opened my eyes to look at the sky as he continued biting my neck, clearly listening to my words of not holding anything in. He went on top of me for a while as I felt his cock dig into me, very pleasantly. I kept moaning into his mouth, as he broke the kiss, asking me what do I feel like. I felt my cheeks flushed.

"Make me feel good," I nearly whispered as he unzipped my pants. I prayed for a bit not to be caught before he took out my cock and stroked the tip softly, making me bite my lips as I watched him. He smirked and he knew that I was his. He continued to stroke my cock's tip teasingly before moving onto the shaft and gave it a good few strokes, watching my breathing get heavier. Jamie looked very content with himself before he  leaned down to lick the underline and I nearly lose it, clutching the grass. I realized that I hadn't masturbated or had sex in ages, which explained why I was so eager, asides the fact that I desperately wanted Jamie now. I spread out my legs, feeling a new sensation and a new thought cross my head. He took me fully in his mouth, slowly, taking in by the length and I moaned, softly thrusting into his mouth, as he held my hips down now, stroking them with his fingers. 

It felt different, it felt like he eagerly knew what he was doing, he seemed more straightforward with it. I kept moaning from the pleasure, heavily satisfied. Grasping him by his hair. He stopped me and held his head and I heard him smirk as he continued. He stopped again and I allowed him to do anything with me as he pleased.
 
"Relax." He told me and I knew what to await. Jamie went on top of me and I felt desperately sexually frustrated as he undid his belt. I saw his cock and I wanted to suck it, I wanted him inside. I wanted everything at once. I tried to push all the thoughts away as he positioned himself and I moaned out loudly once he's inside me. I am overwhelmed by a wave of pleasure rather than the pain I was expecting, but it still took a while to get used to it, before I kept moaning even more, clawing at his back, thankful for everything. 

"Please go deeper." I begged as he thrusted even harder, now in and out and I couldn't help but clutch harder at his back, moaning as he licked my neck with each thrust. It kept feeling better and better as I closed my eyes and pulled him closer, grabbing onto his lips with mine and coming. Jamie came as well inside me as I felt him fill me up, tiredly giving the last thrusts before collapsing on top of me. He looked at me heavily breathing and kissed me desperately, as if nothing would ever taste like enough. I pulled him, wrapping my arms around him. Jamie slowly pulled out and kissed me again. It was bizarre to dress up after sex, as Jamie would make sure that I had felt okay, asking me that several times and I only prayed that he held no regrets at all. He didn't, as I finally had the courage to ask him on our way back, allowing myself to doze off on the seat, all buckled up for safety and feeling Jamie's hand on my forehead during a traffic light, causing me to smile.

The day afterwards I felt restless, but I was better, because I actually managed to get out of bed first, turning off Jamie's alarm clock for him and lying besides him as he started waking up. There was no question whether he was allowed in my bed or not. It seemed far too obvious that I had let him further in my life. And it was a first where Jamie had left me behind as I seemed to immersed into an episode of Dr. Phil, just to kill time and all we needed was milk. He just rang the bell and I felt startled, as if I hadn't expected him to come back. Jamie came back with more groceries, telling that it's okay for us to spend some time inside. I wondered far too much what was going through his mind, as he just sat besides me and we continued watching. 
 
I felt weird sitting and leaning against him, the whole fact that I now had a boyfriend or a man who cared deeply about me and who raised the ghosts of the past with Miles. What had that all been with poor Miles then? What do I do with Miles now who was Jamie's previous lover and close to being my past as well? Miles was like some unwritten passage, which was never finished for doubtless reasons. 
 
It's as if sleeping with Jamie made it impossible to talk about Miles now. I feel his fingers stroking my temple and it's odd to jnow that we are both sharing something among each other. My anxiety rises and I still don't say anything, besides snuggling against him but he notices my current state and asks me about it. I don't know how to tell him that because he had opened the door now I wonder about a different man now.

"I think." I start. "That I should mend things with Miles."

He's either oblivious or knows too much, as he agrees. It's as if I don't even remember why we had drifted apart anyway. It was because I had been too cranky at him for not knowing about him and Jamie, that he had stayed closeted away from me. But could I blame him for holding his life personal? And what had been wring with that? What entitlement did I have to know who he had been fucking at the time? 

Sometimes we just drive around, when I can't speak and that somehow makes me speak even less. And it's raining now and it just seems too gloomy to even show a glimpse of sunshine tomorrow, feels like the void would feel somehow similar to this. 

I don't know where misery starts, I don't know where misery ends and everything seems to be pointing towards Miles, who I know will be coming over. 
 
Why has he never told me anything? Why did he tell Jamie? Why did he go for Jamie instead of me? And why did I go for Jamie instead of Miles as well? I look at Jamie feeling guilty of all my thoughts and how heavy they weigh that I can't do anything at all. It's hard to have a heartbreak over things that never were, because you can't even convince yourself that the other had the same pain upon once. I don't even know how to voice it to poor Jamie, I feel guilty that I hold a terribly strong connection to him, but Miles clouds my mind, no matter how much I end up kissing him, Miles still runs through my mind with all his wonders and mysteries. Is it because he is an even older lover? My mind just keeps facing what if he has someone else and why would he even glance at me for the second time with the same eyes?

I don't speak to Jamie and he respects my privacy and all of a sudden I wish that it was Miles who had walked in to find the empty pizza boxes and tell me everything I had ever needed to hear. And I feel guilty of that. I feel guilty of somehow loving another man. Or feeling something towards another. But then they had both taken deep cleanse care of me, I just happened to always have been shooing Miles away, only allowing Jamie to rub my back.

The problem is that the only memories which blossom are Paris with splashing him in pools, laughing shirtless during bike rides and nearly kissing every damn night. Those are the only things I can think of which would even stroke my love even close. That is all I am left with.

I get very anxious by the time Miles is supposed to arrive and he is fashionably late, Jamie did my tie, as we all agreed that putting me in a suit would do me good for a change. It was Jamie's idea, because whenever he would feel different from life, he would put on a suit to put things in their place, where they would belong somehow. Jamie notices me and from the corner of my eye, I notice that he's sad, probably knowing that he would be giving me to the wolves now, because I am slowly getting better and unraveling. I try not to think of it a lot, but he stares at me intensely once the door bell rings and I just stands up to get it, but instead he grabs my hand and pulls me closer to him to kiss and I do so. 

Maybe I would be better alone again, with no Miles or Jamie, allowing nothing to go in my mind, allowing myself to somehow fall in love with myself, to believe in myself and allow Arielle's death to seep through my fingers, slowly and until it detaches. And I could travel Europe properly alone. I think of saying that before Miles walks in and allows me to remember how good Jamie looks in his suit, how good Miles looks in his. 

 
We had ordered food, so that I wouldn't panic while cooking, as both men sit down and I serve. Insisting on it. I will think about it, at least.

-

I wrote this back on my tablet when I was without a computer. I've been struggling to publish it due to plain fear to be honest. So I wrote this ages ago and even in a few takes, mostly. Maybe two or so.

It was odd to come back to it and I did at Callie's request actually. What was weird about reopening it was the fact that I'm not as bad as I used to be because now I'm medicated and I had to apply that to Alex, who was badly medicated before like I had once been.

This was actually a first for me, I've never written public or outdoor sex before and I've had my thoughts on it, but I'm far too anxious to get caught and whatnot. So alas. But it was terribly fun and hot to write and I was really into it and whatnot.

I'll keep my mouth shut so that I don't spoil anything ;) and I'm left with no crush besides obsessing over Jamie Hince, so I'm over the heartbreak so I might be a bit more boring in the backstories now. I'm sorry about that.

I hope you enjoyed this long chapter and if you liked it, please tell me so.

<3

Jamie