Monday, 11 April 2016

What's Wrong? 7

Sometimes life is too confusing and I ended up spending too much this month, with the prices rising which was something I stopped counting and there had been far too many issues with withdrawals which was draining me. Money wasn't something I thought of a lot and I had to still get out to work specifically and the city itself was graying by itself, as if no external factors were withering it, but something within was causing it to age so heavily. It felt as if spring wasn't coming at all.

I didn't even pay attention to the girl and she had to repeat her greeting to me twice as we sat on the lower floor of the bus. I had too much on my mind, specifically that I had to make it to the next pay day somehow and I would end up ignoring Daniel who spent the whole day stating that he would be far more comfortable if we were the ones building all the neat Lego stands, which were just sent to us. Instead of the pretty girl I kept thinking of Daniel trying to build a huge truck with the same red bricks which were now iconic. And then thinking of my coworker caused me to look up at her with her cat eyes.

“I'm really sorry.” And I freeze, because it's the most we have both spoken to each other. And I am starting a conversation, not allowing my mouth to shut up and I keep talking, just because I can see her eyes telling me to go on. “I'm just having an awful time and I'm spacing out all most of the day.”

As if it isn't the whole day.

And then I'll be able to hear her voice properly. She's surely from the south, she sounds like nothing up here in Scotland.

“That's alright, no need to apologize.” And she smiles at me briefly. “I know I'm a stranger, but anything I can help you with?”

Stranger sounds like such an awkward word with the fact that we ride the same bus every day, even if it's not such a long ride. We don't spend time looking at each other, but I do try to watch her with the corner of my vision, just allowing her to be engraved in my memory. She's wearing a little black dress today and I wonder if there is something at her work, because usually she is in denim or some skirt. I just shake my head and I know that I told Daniel that I would try and actually communicate with the crush I have, but it still seems impossible and I understand that a no is usually an end of a conversation.

“I just don't know how you could help.” Her eyes are still heavily pleading. Inviting her out sounds like an option, but I can't mouth it and I actually wonder if that is even possible. She smiles at me, I see that both of us have been anticipating for any start of a conversation and I only recall a sleepy Daniel on the couch, rolling around from side to side and telling me that since she's saying hello to me every morning that she surely wants me. I have no courage. Neither do I have the sleaziness to ask her out with some shady pick up line like a date would help. I don't even know if she wants me as a friend or a girlfriend. “It's too long to talk about.”

I lie and her stop is soon.

“Well, we could meet up after work.” She says carefully, watching me and I nod before I can even say anything. “Great!”

And she takes out her phone, asking me for my number so that she would be able to call me. I stare at her with wide eyes and she gives a short small laugh under her breath, watching me. I tell her my number.

“I'm Alexa.” She starts smiling and I just don't know if I should even shake hands with her.

“I'm Alison.” I smile back and it's her time to go. She excuses herself and she waves at me from the bus stop, all glowing and I try to look at her without my bias of hatred to myself and she is glowing indeed, I'd even say that the crush seems to be two sided. And I tell myself that what if she wore that dress because we would talk today.


I was terrified to post this and frankly life has been rather crappy, so I've been away. I had a weird gender day because I decided to wear a skirt and that fucked me up with dysphoria really badly and I decided to pick up this story in the mean time. I wrote this chapter in one go as well. I just browsed some pictures of both of them and that was plenty enough for me to get inspired.

I really enjoy this story and it's nearing it's close so of course I'll continue it until it ends.   

It's quite painful to describe Edinburgh in this story and I decided to stick with it, so yeah. I end up having problems all around but I quite keep them to myself, so I feel Alison here and that's where the inspiration came from and vague rants really. 

Thank you again to Callie for forcing me to publish this today and I'm terribly sorry for the long wait.

Thank you


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