Leaving Lana was painful. Moving away from her and packing my stuff while memories were flooding me were impossible. I could see her laughing in my mind, as she stood with tears in her eyes, completely baffled as I was leaving.
Jamie sits opposite me and I want to talk. I've never properly spoken to him about Lana. He had never known.
I bite my straw, something which had always irritated him, but he has no power to nag about it, now it's just me and he observes me as I continue doing so. I wonder if there is anything which irritates him these days about Jack now. I wonder how even he is, since I've never known him. I wonder how much more different he is from me and what such qualities had attracted him. I wonder who even is he besides being a lawyer and I imagine him tall and dark, maybe blonde, I don't know. All I know is that he's the one who pins my ex-husband down and gives him pleasure which I can't give anymore.
It's odd that both my partners are pinned down by someone else and I am left alone, just because I had wanted to be free by the end of the day. Maybe the freest are the ones who are pinned down by their regrets and their past? I didn't know how could life progress at all. I didn't know how I could forget my sister completely.
Sometimes I wouldn't even miss Lana, I would just miss the void she had left. I didn't regret leaving her, I just regretted being with someone else. But I would miss everything about her. I never liked the whole if you love them, let them go. Because that is just selfish and I knew that I had left Lana out of pure selfishness.
Melancholy is somehow the poison which is my blood.
Is it a bad thing to reconcile with the dead?
It would be something Lana would ask me, confused and if we were in touch properly, if there was no sarcasm wrapped around in her silk replies. We both felt the guilt of our mother passing away because none of us were checking on her even if the autopsy just showed that age had decided to take her away. The problem is that people don't think they deserve to talk about emotional abuse especially the heavy baggage it drains with it. Mom was never soft with us, making us both just rely on each other heavier, because not one soft word would be uttered from her mouth. And by the end of the day she was just a fading character, because it were so hard. I had yelled at her, telling her that she was the result of everything which had gone wrong with me up to my separation with Jamie. That it was her which would tell me how important it was to be alone and once the feeling would vanish, then you should just continue running at least to have an illusion of being free.
That I also never believed that Jamie would ever love me, just because she had told me so.
But she had passed before I had made even more connections, because just like falling stars glued to the ceiling I couldn't see everything she had told me.
She was also the reason that me and Lana were in such a bizarre relationship as sisters, because there was no one else we could trust. Because we feared her and we held onto the only love we saw.
When it came to mother it was tiring, because it always felt that I would never achieve anything that she would do, it felt like a waltz where we were both uneven and even now I have to fight Lana for her house. Now I had switched dance partners and I was left with my sister, who was the only woman I had been with.
Lana made me question my sexuality, what else was left of it and I would get offended at Jamie who would tell me that I was attracted to men, erasing my past with a woman, even if I knew that I wouldn't go into the same river twice. I would get annoyed at anyone who would claim something like that if they had known. And the more I would think about it, the more I would think of men. Jamie had barely known anything about Lana and that had been it. He would make my mind swirl and my whole back bend into two backwards, because I would've known all the love I had felt for him and now I was letting him go even if we had some tension. And that's the problem, you break up with people you love, people you like and never let go of them in the mind, and that's all. The never-ending love ends between the two people and hides within one or both.
I didn't even know why was I even driving and what else had been motivating me and I knew that my memories were much brighter than anything else. I knew that I could stop and cry, but I couldn't. instead I would keep on driving nearly resorting to circles.
I know that today I will love and tomorrow I will forget.
I even make a sharp turn, hair in my face from the open window and wonder how come I don't crash into anyone. I decide that I should be going back, where I came from and face Jamie again, knowing that I am making sure that the process is as far away as possible, just because I don't want it and I know that Lana doesn't need the house in the way I do, she's just trying to get under my skin. I seemed to have some faith in Jamie, even if I've just seen him do his work at home and going to bed later than he would. That was it when it came to him working around me.
I drove back, only to find him gone and I wondered if he had gone shopping or something, I ended up raiding the entire house for a note, as if he would have left one.
Walking alone around the house, even if I had done that last night after Jamie had gone back to sleep, made me feel lonely and crave to go somewhere elsewhere.
I felt like crying.
I just sat under the kitchen counter, missing him far too much and slowly starting to regret pushing Lana so far away from me, that I should've never left her, maybe I should've never married Jamie either. My mind was goo and I kept trying to stick my fingers in further so that I could feel everything since I couldn't see anymore.
I felt like I hadn't known myself.
That I didn't make sense raiding for lesbian literature in stores when it was me and Lana, discovering a forbidden world even if I had touched it. And at the same time I had married Jamie, both of us wearing suits which made many question but everyone came anyway and my mom uttered what a disaster had my choice been and that it seemed as if we were two gay men getting married.
I seemed to be so different.
I had believed in so many things.
And then I had thrown them all away.
I actually started crying under said counter, that Jamie had shown up with food, because we were both mediocre cooks, never understanding how to actually peel an onion properly. Were they even peeled or just sliced? My memory was falling completely away from me.
I had loved two people so dearly and it was me, pushing them away. There was barely any why behind it. Just the fact that I had met Jamie, who was then a photographer and he had started flirting with me so intensely, mesmerized by me. He was also older by ten years and I had only felt flattered, being so young that an older man had looked at me even sideways once. I didn't feel guilt back then, I just wanted to keep seeing him again and again and he kept taking photos of me again and again.
I don't even think that Jamie had brought a camera with him on this brief trip. I could see him leave them all somewhere locked, as if they were a reminder maybe of our failed marriage?
He had asked me so many times why had I left and I could never answer anything beyond that I wanted to be alone. Because it was Lana then it was him for so many years after the brief years affair with Lana, over ten years was something too big which I had thrown away so desperately. I never found the perfect solitude I had wished for, instead I had found myself recalling all my relationships every single day and never feeling complete, wondering what else could I have done. How could I have loved. But the idea of being with them forever was driving me insane, I couldn't imagine being with one person forever, the thought scared me even if I had stayed with Jamie for so long and I had stayed faithful. I was unique for a cheating person. I had no desire for Lana after that. The only tragedy that I had found was the confusion of my own gender.
I had started hearing the door, Jamie knowing that I had never locked it because the house was so distant from anything and I just believed in the good will of people and besides my paintings there was never much to steal besides an old iPhone and some technology I had struggled with. I tried to rub off my tears but even more came, as desperation was straddling me, telling to let Jamie see me. He put the grocery bag down and leaned down to me, quickly raiding his pockets for anything, before grabbing some kitchen towels and giving them to me.
He spoke of my mother and how sorry he had been.
I just looked at him and pulled him to myself, as he immediately hugged me back, as if nothing was wrong and I was crying as usual.
I know, it's been over a month and I frankly vanished off the surface. I've been really busy with everything and due to that I took a break and because I didn't know how long it would take me, I didn't do a post or anything and I want to say that I'm back but I dislike doing promises, coz I say that I'll straighten out the schedule, but I don't, so I'll just say that I'll try my very best.
I wrote this a few days ago and it took me a while, to rest a bit because I hadn't written in so long and I started jumping from story to story again, so I've been writing many stories at the same time, which was an old method I used, so it was great to just write three sentences of one story, then a paragraph of another and finish a third and so on.
I like that this is a sort of spin-off, consolation story that I started because I missed Poison the Rose so much. It explores the same three characters in a new light and I just love it.
It's been hard to write as well because all my previous files are still scattered on a hd and yeah. So I've been opening empty documents just because I felt like it and wrote on a blank page again. It's still hard to get used to a new keyboard and jumping from pages to open office has been a massive jump as well. Not to mention I've got a Swedish keyboard so I can be edgy and use all said letters, but I won't because I don't get a kick out of writing them in English words x)
Now since I have no crush, I have no one new to rub things from, I have no tension, so it's quite hard. I feel like how The Kills describe when they go to record (the previous albums, before Ash and Ice) and then they use their imagination, that's exactly what's happening to me now. It's just me thinking deep and telling stories, rather than basing it off things besides a few things here and there.
I decided to do my second binge and finish this story because I ended up reconciling and that was unusual, odd and I wanted to write about it. RV is about family, so it only seemed fitting and the storyline with the mother is heavily inspired by my own, only I don't really fight with my mom, it was someone else, and yeah. So the theme which was inspired was reconciliation and everything else is me just telling the story.
Actually, this was more based off me that I would imagine. Even if I'm gay, I do have a history with women and there was that period where I thought I was a lesbian, way before I thought of my gender properly. It was odd to leave it and I don't go back to it, but I did think about it briefly and used it in the story.
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so and make my day, it's been rough