Sunday, 15 September 2013

Always Golden 2

I show my ID out of being nervous, even if I am way too old and I get some rum and coke and I recall how just as nervous I had been and I still love rum in any variation. My dad tagged along, I’m in that category where people think that I’m too uncool so I hang out with my dad, it’s true that I tend to go to the cinema alone and by foot, as I am sometimes scared of the car, which is bizarre, but I keep getting scared that I will crash and kill someone and I’ve seen too many wounded people from accidents. I like busses and my own feet even if I cross the red light. So we head up to watch the movie and I observe my own dad as men make out. I ended up laughing a lot until I saw a familiar face and my stomach started stinging.

He had botox now.

I gulped down my rum and he looked at me. My dad’s eyes were still fixed onto the screen as I kept looking at his features, how his cheeks looked round, how drugs made his face change and the ring on his finger.

My mouth and throat are dry. I just recall - and sex scenes are on the screen - how I had masturbated to him, his sexuality was always hidden, I always sensed something but nothing would happen and he knew I was pansexual, the whole uni knew because of all the men I’ve dated. Over the years I enjoyed making soup and watching tv shows, reading books, meeting up with my dad ever since mom died. We were all shocked and dumbstruck. I couldn’t stand people, I just talked to dad and dad talked to me.

Jamie looks awful, but he is looking at me and he knows me. It’s not that time we saw a classmate and she took a group photo, it feels as if we are alone in the naked room with laughter coming from the walls.

I don’t look as bad, I got off drugs and I never touched them again, they aren’t even a deja vu anymore, they are buried deep inside.

But Jamie was like a gulp of air and I seem him leave, but dad stays for the credits. I see him smoking outside, wearing a suit with clothes much more expensive than my own and I’m a surgeon.

“Mind giving me a cigarette, James?” I say, risking, I would call him that back in university.

Jamie smiles and hands me a cigarette and the glitter of wonder comes falling down, is he straight? Is he bisexual? Is he pansexual? Is he bicurious? Is he questioning? Is he queer? And they all lead down to the does he like men?

He doesn’t say anything and it worries me, we just smoke in silence and I look at the ring and at the botox in his cheeks. Sure, it’s a thing marrying a model.

“Jamie?” I ask again but he is digging his heel into the cigarette. He is still taller than me and he feels huge.

And his ring burns in hole in my eyes and I see him take out a cigarette box, half-way smoked through and he gives me one. I light one with my own lighter, feeling anxious.

“So...” And he looks at me. “Why’d you change jobs?”

And he looks at me curiously, who knows maybe I would have made as much money as he had and wouldn’t just have a nice house in Edinburgh but would be able to even move into London and slack off, just like I heard he’d be doing recently. I have heard that he’s no where near the new album.

I take a good long drag, closing my eyes, trying to concentrate on the fact that it goes within me.

“Mum died. I figured I could do something more useful than get high and cure people on the surface.” I wonder if it actually sounds snappy, but from my side it doesn’t and Jamie just nods, taking out a second cigarette and lighting it.

I don’t know what to talk about.

I haven’t see him in years and he’s married, he’s everything I could’ve been and didn’t want to be.

I became something actually useful and I had no risks, all I had to do was cut in the right place and know.

“Ok, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know how to speak either, which is bizarre and funny, considering the fact that he always made better lyrics than me and makes a good living, obviously his status is sky high with Kate Moss being his wife and I wonder how long will it last, as they don’t look well, or maybe it’s just my jealousy.

It’s more when you meet the person face to face and you realize how much you’ve been thinking about them, how much little things you do to replace the emptiness and it’s bizarre.

I haven’t been invited to the wedding, but standing in the queue for the food I ended up buying myself some yellow pages issue and I sat in the car reading it through, feeling myself trapped alone.

And I guess I still am.

I really don’t know what else to talk to him about, so I feel us depart from each other again.

“So... did you like the movie?” I ask him, taking a drag from my dead cigarette. Jamie just nods and we keep staring at Lothian road and it dawns on me.

Why is he in Edinburgh anyway?

“Why are you up in Scotland, anyway?” I ask him, some stupid things getting drawn in my head and he just looks away, sighing, as if he has to explain it to everyone who is here.

“Inspiration.” Well, I’ll give it to him, but wouldn’t he have more interesting places to go to like Spain or whatever? I mean, I have a job and frankly I can’t just go away and leave people to someone else even if I know who is good and who is bad and I can transfer my patients to someone else. “I just felt like it. Trying to look back, I guess, when you dig into your past to get some scrapped off feelings.”

“Oh.” We had all travelled to the Edinburgh festival before I dropped out of uni and well, I just hooked up with some bloke who had a strong glaswegian accent and I don’t know what happened to Jamie, but I had dragged him along, the gay bars pretty much empty, no matter what day it is, they’re always empty, maybe besides pride, but I never feel like going into one after pride. All I do is march, paint my face the pansexual flag and if I hook up I hook up already, pretty much.

I mean sure, it became my home and pretty much whenever I travel somewhere I start pouting and as soon as I’m back I end up eating Ben and Jerry’s in the Grassmarket next to Maggie Dickson’s. It is Maggie Dickson’s, isn’t it?

Whenever I’m out there is a horrible longing and I’ve heard too much about people not getting anywhere due to their passports and frankly I’d fucking kill the entire party, I mean where should the gay people which came out go?

Back and what? Come out to their parents and pray they get a job and not get raped? Is it very civil of us? Actually, not of us, of those who decide who stays and who doesn’t.

I didn’t know what to do when I heard a few volunteers where sent back due to not getting places when I knew universities have spaces for home students. It’s like you piece of shit, what if I were foreign? Are you entirely sure the doctor who takes care of you is entirely British? Are you sure the food you eat and everything you do is British?

Stefan made a big deal out of it and we started thinking last time we were at CC’s if such a piece of shit would manage by living on entirely british products, of course not.

I really don’t know how they feel or how would I feel getting home taken away from me.

I try not to think of it and it makes me guilty. All I can do is vote and pray, really.

“It’s still a bizarre choice.” I say and he cuts me off before I can even think, really.

“I was in the Edinburgh festival, I guess just figure while Kate is gone and Alison is off jerking off Jack, why not travel around? I’d rather go to nicer places with Kate, if you know what I mean.” Right, so this isn’t the nicest place, grand.


I had pretty much thought a lot about Always Golden since I wrote the last chapter and I've been pretty excited about it.

I guess a bunch of inspirations of Always Golden would be the places, like CCs and the Filmhouse in this chapter. I miss both of them greatly and pretty much it is fucking painful to have it all taken away, because no matter how things got hard through out the year, I was in love with the city, not even the people, but the city, the places, the breath of it.

I will miss it greatly and I'm sad because it had always been my dream to live in Edinburgh and I had.

I still can't comprehend how all is happening and I won't lie saying that I don't miss it, because I fucking do, before I go to sleep I go to all the places I loved in the Old Town. I can't be pissed at Edinburgh and I don't think I ever will be.

The people, well, that's a different story along with politics.

I won't shut up about what the fuck is going on and obviously it's still remains in my story, in this case from Brian's perspective. I'm more calmer than I was and I see all the flops through out all the time and I'm fucking irritated. But lately it's been well... I'm waiting and that's about it.

But that doesn't change that I won't have Brian hanging out with Jamie in Edinburgh, unfortunately I can't do what I used to do when I would just walk to the place I needed and imagined the scene, now it's all in my head now, which is sad.

The ID thing was actually what had happened to me, I went for the so far one and only time to the Filmhouse and I pretty much don't drink too often and I was well, a bit anxious so yeah, I pretty much shoved my ID, which I found later to be comical.

I had originally thought to leave Jamie as a past love and leave their meeting without any conversation and I left it like that until a while and I actually made them talk. This chapter was written in chunks right after the first.

Originally it was going to be a pure Brian/Stefan story, but now, Jamie's in the game. I figured that I pretty much ship them, so why not and they are an interesting couple.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have writing it

Please feel free to request the next chapter :)


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