Monday, 23 September 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again 2

“I fucking knew that there was something else other than friendship. You just don’t go around blushing and not knowing what to say.”

I still see us in the same apartment, both of us still closeted, but happy, Alex ordering pizza as neither of us can be forced to go outside and we still are worried of holdng hands even if society had stepped up but we’re not fucking Sweden. I actually wonder if it’s as accepting as I haven’t walked around in Sweden with Alex’s fingers intertwined with mine.

I see us laughing and I keep thinking that somewhere else we are together, in a world and no one cheats on anyone (but then it’s not cheating, I’m aware of everything and I’m the lover on the side in this case)

but I can’t help but wonder am I happy in that world,

when I’m aware that Alex can break anything and a few lines will break the thin surface of the ice ring, so that we can’t glide anymore. Skating becomes impossible.

I don’t know where to put myself for the rest of the night and the morning as the bed is assembled and I don’t think Alex will call me again. I’m thankful that my mobile dies, but I realize that I could be expecting a call saying that I don’t get my chid, but instead I plug it in to recieve a text from Alex, who wants to see me on neutral territory.

I’m surprised he wants this public, but knowing him it’s gonna be some small place where he is sure no one will see him, maybe he just doesn’t want to look at the room and I won’t be keeping the door locked anymore.

I end up dressing up, wondering how he will look like and betting myself that it will be leather but I actually wonder if it will be with hair gel, since everyone knows his quiff.

It is a small place and we’re practically alone here. I stand near the entrance for a while, watching him looking at the wall, rubbing his chin for a while and I wonder if he had newly shaved as well, applied the gel and what were the thoughts in his head. I’m not sure he even thinks of me anymore and I don’t know what I’m doing here.

I’m not sleeping and neither he is, even if we both wake up late. Back when we were together I’d still be sleeping, my legs interwtined with his, but due to the heat (my apartment is always warm) we’d just have the legs connected and the rest laying diagonally on each side of the bed, covers starting from the hips.

Then as sleep fades out, we’d crawl to each other, whoever wakes up first taking the piss of the other. Once Alex spilled cold water on me and we had to sleep on the couch, too pissed drunk to realize we could’ve used the hairdryer.

Whenever I see him, I wonder if he had changed beyond his ‘looking cool’ attire, but whenever he smiles it still looks like he never hit puberty or when he speaks. His smile.

I don’t get one once he notices me, he just has a plain smile, not interested in coming back or coming out and I wonder once he’ll get married if the ring will keep piercing my vision.

I just sit besides him and I wonder if he regrets calling me.

I can’t help but look at him piercingly, I was sure I wouldn’t need him anymore but looking at him, I can’t help but wish he’d come back, I wish the world weren’t so cruel to love and sex. It’s as if we are harming the society. I got a child, but I’m still harming when there are a lot of children without anyone who have no future and what about those who are in other countries which has no social care and will surely not get any education and will die soon enough.

I had wanted to adopt from different places, but a lot have bans and it won’t be hard if they try hard to find my sexuality even if I had only been linked to one man my entire life. It’s been ten years.

He doesn’t offer me coffee, just yet and we keep looking at each other.

I know that he loves me, but how far does he love me?

I want to run my hands through his hair, feeling the gel, I want to kiss his neck as he closes his eyes in pleasure as I slide my hand down.

I miss him too much.

I don’t know what else do either of us even have to say.

“You’re right... Maybe this isn’t the best place.” Alex says and his fingers are intertwined on the table. He looks around and sighs, looking at me, exhausted from all the feelings he’s been holding.

“I know you don’t love her.” I can’t help but snap, which ends up being a slap across Alex’s face.

Alex just closes his eyes.

He’s ignoring me or maybe I’m not exaggerating, he does realize that this might be one of those decisions which will continue burdening your life or does he think that he can get out of it a few years later.

I know that he still finds women attractive, so I guess sex isn’t that hard to hide, while I just never went even close to women, I just found them not my thing at all, just like even if you’re gay you wouldn’t sleep with some men, just that for me it happened to be all women. Sure I’ve kissed girls back when I dipped myself in the early teens and I would get a pat for being the first one with a girlfriend who was heels over in love with me to cheat on me as soon as she could.

I was pretty lonely, so I was surprised that someone liked me for some reason and apparently kept staring at the back of my head in maths period. I found it odd and back when I hadn’t discovered Alex I thought that sympathy was love. Not knowing what love is and having still parents doesn’t help me and hearing that my love towards Alex is not real was heavily hypocritical. I’m still surprised they are together, but when you think of heterosexuality who else would you go for?

I asked Alex about it and he said he dated straight women and they were ok. I didn’t believe him and I always wondered if his attraction to women would make it more complex. He’s dated queer girls. But I really don’t know or understand, it feels like dating women for him, well actually is, a step back.

I want to lie next to him.

I can’t help but lean closer to him across the table, leaving him frozen.

I can’t help but grin, feeling the hint of victory, after such despair any touch or any smile is bliss. It feels better than not having anything.

I lean closer.

I wonder how exposed are we and Alex slowly closes his eyes, not moving, the blood going to his cheeks.

I kiss him briefly.

I hope that to everyone here which is -

I glance.

The lady at the counter left.

I can’t help but grab him closer to me and he instantly sticks his tongue in my mouth, grabbing me by the shoulders and I feel relaxed, feeling wanted.

It happens.

Sex is like the last thing we can’t decline each other in, maybe Alex thinks it’s the less emotional one, but it’s not, some people just fuck plainly, we make love, it always takes us ages, I stretch it out, knowing that Alex might go away as soon as possible. Or that he’ll wake up in the middle of the night.

I feel his fear, but he’s dunked in and I feel his eager hands running on my back.

I lean back, looking at him, how relaxed he is for a few moments after the kiss, passion turning into love.

We walk back, it’s not too long of walk, arms intertwined, but Alex making sure that he knows no one. We share a cigarette, we’re too gay in the press and the press is to straight to capture it.

I still can’t help but wonder how long will he last, because he sure as hell isn’t breaking off that engagement.

I can’t help but wonder about the people we fall in love with. How we can’t fall out and easily forgive seeing them love us back, just as Alex holds my face and holds his lips against my own. And we’re back and I can’t keep my eyes closed, paranoia comes in waves but eventually I just relax and enjoy the kiss.

Alex goes to make the kettle, lighting a cigarette and I start packing the necessary documents, wondering if I’m missing anything. I don’t think he’ll come and I wonder if this silence is all I will get today.

He lights a second cigarette from which I get a drag on and I start looking through the documents, as Alex watches me.

If I know that he’ll always come back to me for a short while, I’m I willing?

We drink tea, watching each other, both wondering if we are on the same shore.

“I don’t feel engaged.” He says all of a sudden. “I’m sorry.”

We both know our relationship is a massive mood swing, a pendulum, swinging back and forth, but never stopping at one spot. Even while we dated it seemed brief. We couldn’t become a couple, shying off from every time we made love, both of us not sure how to handle it.

When I look back, I wonder how come it took us so long. But when kissing is just a massive step as complicated as an engagement is today or coming out as a couple, I guess kissing was a big deal. It was actually dipping yourself into a relationship when it had been not too recent since you wouldn’t even hug someone with affection.

“I know.” I say.

Sometimes relationships just happen when they wouldn’t, just like the first time you pick an instrument it doesn’t work but one day, you’re actually playing and I can’t find any logical explanation why was it today and not yesterday or tomorrow.

We’ve laughed a lot and I recall Matt poking Alex, that I seemed to tag along too often to each concert and I started learning the lyrics, fuck, I’d even manage to cover a song, Matt was awfully supportive, once even asking me what I felt about Alex.

It’s that time when it’s what I’ve been told, I got told that every move with a person you love is like a game of chess. You need to know who devours who and if you’re really in love.

Alex was unsure and he had managed to get a girlfriend.

He wasn’t too into her, but she helped him write a song. I just felt uncomfortable and I’d keep the songs to myself.

We kept growing closer and Alex had heard my guitar playing and asked me to help him with this song, where he felt I fit perfectly.

It was a breakup song, well, to me it seemed so and I really hoped he’d break up with her or maybe it was his subconsciousness working on his mind, eating him away and I was right in front of him, dodging questions about girls.

“Hey, Miles.” Alex stopped playing a bit, curious yet some black curtain was hanging above him.

“Sometimes.” Alex stops me from daydreaming and we’re back in the kitchen and I catch his grin. “I recall that time when it occured to me that what if you were attracted to me, you didn’t really hang out with Jamie or Matt, it was me all the time and Matt told me that you fancied me.

I recall how it suddenly struck me, that you’d always make sure I was sober enough to walk home or you’d drag me back.

It was highly odd, I sure had some blokes, but it was the first time I had a covered confession. Matt had told me that he had asked you if you liked someone. It feels so fucking bizarre talking about it now, when now it’s just hookups and everything you’d try to achieve in months is achieved in hours.

So he told me that you froze and he’d been watching us and he saw us playing backstage once, both of us having our cheeks pressed against a broken microphone and he wondered if that was love, why weren’t we going for it?

Then he kept noticing how you’d always nag to keep me from throwing up, coz my hangovers were awfully bad.

So Matt had decided to ask you and you just paled up, as if your secret was known.

Matt said you never said it, but it could be seen that it was someone close and it was more than obvious.

Matt knew it was me.

So he had asked me the same question and my relationship was pretty much off.

I was blind and I shrugged it off.

And then he told me that you liked me.

I still remember how I felt my breathing get blocked and how bizarre it felt. It felt wrong, homosexuality and relationships with the same sex were still judged, we still have a long way to go, we’re not Sweden or Scandinavia or all those countries which are accepting and human. I was terrified, that I knew that it wasn’t one sided, it was fucking two sided.

If you were a girl I’d be fucking you long enough already. But the taboo of thoughts was there, blidning me and Matt told me.”

And Alex became silent.

“And then I kissed you.” I say softly and quiet, before a massive grin reaches my face.

“I kissed you.” I still feel the same lump as Alex had asked me if I was gay.

I never had that question straight at me, everyone just presumed that I just didn’t have a girlfriend, people kept either nagging that I should find one or I should wait some more. It was funny how I got that asked as Alex was carrying our pints to our table and he asked a what as he sat back next to me.

He just ruffled my hair as he heard it.

It was back at his small apartment, them already big, but Alex couldn’t be bothered to move elsewhere as he enjoyed the bizarre view to the small park with bizarre dogs running around and he’d play his guitar watching them and watching the lawnmowers in the morning.

I’m not sure who should tell it, but Alex just speaks up.

“I asked you if you were gay and you nodded. It’s kind of when you realize that you’re both in each other’s radar. It’s I guess like when you’re close friends (in the scenario when you’re both straight and in early teens) and you realize you’re both the opposite sex. It’s the same thing, I suppose.

You told me you’re gay.

It changed everything in a second, I wished I had a bigger apartment and I recall just standing up and randomly picking up clothes which were laying around, ranting how small it was.” Alex grins, the years never affect him, it’s just the new hair and the new clothes. If he’d grow his hair and put on a random print shirt, he’d look the same as he is on the inside.

I started making us tea.

Alex frowned as I stood up and walked to be behind me.

He put his arms around my neck, his chin resting on my shoulder.

“I know you love me.” I say, snapping a bit, knowing how he’s been paranoid for years. I want him back.

I want no society between us.

I want to fucking women between us or men for that matter, whoever Alex can stand waking up to.

“I need to go pick Arabella.” I say, realizing he is not aware of my daughter’s name and Alex looks confused for a second, grabbing me by the chin and tilting my head so I can see his warm eyes.

I forget.

We kiss.

“Don’t ask, she was named by her mother. Maybe she also likes Arabella.” I shrug, still feeling hurt, I’d always want both of us to adopt and I’m getting tired of having long periods when I am alone without Alex, touring is ok, but when he’s with someone else and in denial, I really wish he was touring and calling me via Skype and sending me photos of random beer brands which taste like piss he bought at random.

I really wonder if he’ll count Arabella as his own child, as he pretty much is the only man in my life. Even if in documents, I’m the only father.

“You have to pick her up, don’t you?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I say.

“You want me to come with you?” Alex suggest.

“As far as I’m aware I’m the only father.” I feel anger rising in me. He’s planning to have other children, not with me.

I just turn to face him.

He still wants to go.

Arabella is my child, it was my decision and I don’t want her to have an on and off father.

I don’t know if it is anymore about the child or myself.

“As far as I know as well, we broke up.” I grab him by his arms, as he starts biting his bottom lip, but I look down not to see his face. “So you can calmly fuck off.”

“In fact...” I raise my voice. “We never even fucking were a couple!”

“This is about me raising my child, you’re not there, it was my decision, because guilt takes over you! It’s not about me or us, it’s about you and your guilt. Well, it’s your fucking life and you’re not a teenager who will get kicked out on the street and I think your fans can swallow that you’re gay- sorry, pansexual. I think our society is still somehow moving forward and even if it weren’t, would you care?” My voice goes more quiet to the end and I go to the corridor, leaving him there. I hear him sit back on the chair and play with the cup.

“You’re right.” I hear him from the kitchen. “I should go.”

“No.” I reply. “I think you should stay.”

“You’re contradicting yourself.”

“I know. So are you.”


I've been practically obsessed with writing this story, the chapters are massive and I love it so much, that I'm actually anxious if anyone else loves it as much XD I spent maybe the whole day writing this and the next chapter, so yeah :D

I've been pretty much putting everything I want into the story, it's been intoxicating me and I've kept listening strictly to the Arctic Monkeys and some TLSP, I've got songs which I start off with and etc

Looking at it, Alex is surely my most closeted character ever who dealt or deal with struggles with coming out and I really feel bad for him and I can't blame him for what he's doing, but yeah, obviously I wish he'd just get out of the closet.

They're also my first couple with a child, or rather Miles has a child. I'm pretty happy that it also ended up being a LGBT couple with an adopted child :D Well, 'sides Axe for Cork Extraction which is well... very surreal and etc >.>

I'm really just discussing how much I love the story xD

It's really from what I'm trying to figure out from their relationship and just adding AU bits like Miles knowing Alex way sooner and obviously we don't know what actually went on between those two and well, Arabella is an OC >.> as much as I hate to admit it

The non-linear started from me writing with anxiety and then I realized that well, of course Miles is anxious and in general your thoughts and memories are bundled up and scattered and chaotic, so it makes it even more realistic.

I hope you really enjoyed it and I'm sorry I didn't post this before, as I was too sleepy and I wanted to write a backstory xD

You have no idea how much I ship Milex XD

Please feel free to request and thank you :3


You're Not Coming Back Again 3


  1. why it's not writting in french ? i'm soo sad! but nevermind _ unknown-enjoyment

  2. Désolé, mon français est très basique et je ne peux pas le traduire pour toi :(

    As-tu essayé d'utiliser google translate? :)