Saturday, 21 September 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again

Being in the closet is being among a field of dead sunflowers with some of their leaves changed to red, hope, I guess.

I always loved fields and I always wanted to walk in one, maybe that is what I’m doing.

I wake up to see him laying on his stomach and facing the other side, rather than myself.

I should really stop reading bizarre magazines while I wait for the GP. I lean down to kiss him and he opens his deep brown eyes for a while, grinning.

Exactly, grinning until he realizes it.

And Alex sits up.

“Shit!” I knew it.

I watch him hastily start to pick up his clothes, jeans already lost halfway to the corridor. Instead I just stand up and I follow him.

I’m used to shaking, so instead I get some water, wondering why don’t my eyes trail him off as usual, but I’m too tired.

“I told you, I haven’t been sleeping with her for months.” It sounds like a snap, he knows I’m avoiding him.

“Yeah and that’s why you’re fucking with her. Right, Alex?” I want to break the glass and I am thankful to be naked and we both frankly still smell of sex. My teeth are pressed together so hard that my jaw starts aching and I notice him looking at a naked me.

“Fuck, I can’t, ok?” He raises his hands, but soon enough buttons his shirt. I step closer to him, we’re the same height which gives too much benefits and awkwardness in fights.

“Ok, then.” I lean closer and I see that he can’t breathe. “Fuck off.”

And I turn back to my bedroom and I hear him lock the door. He has his own keys, Alex can come anytime which is what he has been doing lately. Sometimes he comes every night per week, sometimes he doesn’t for a month. It really depends on how he feels about it. I’ve talked to him, that we should both come out. I really don’t care, I already don’t have my relatives on my side, I lost whatever I actually could.

But Alex was there when my mother cut me off and didn’t call back and in the end I got a nice long explanation how she wouldn’t keep in contact with me, how shameful I was and how gay men are disgusting and how I should never have children and that I am a pedophile and my father wasn’t better either. Both memories make me cringe.

But it happened.

Alex didn’t come out, he broke up with Alexa, saw what happened and stopped. He didn’t move forwards, he got terrified with the thought of never being a band member again. I didn’t blame him at the time, but I never thought this would trail on longer than I expected. I didn’t expect it to trail for months and Alex even getting a beard.

The day they first had sex was a slap in my face, he kept telling me how he didn’t see the appeal in women, but all I’d see was

he tried.

He fucking tried women again.

I no longer was the only person he’d have sex with.

She’d suck him off occasionally.

Not that I didn’t, but it was trying to bleach out himself, make himself plain and dyeable in all absurd colours which he is not.

I just go and take the keys from the drawer, opening something which would be my side of secrets.

Alex never questioned the closed door, as long as it had no dead odour he seemed ok with it and I guess I was ok with it.

I still have him banging the door and I wonder how many days will it take him to come back to me even if it would be for a very short while.

My mind is scattered and I flick the lights in the room to illuminate it. I was really concerned about choosing pink for the wallpaper but I like pink, I’m scared what if I still shouldn’t have chosen pink for the -

And it dawns me that soon enough I’ll have my daughter in my own hands and it won’t be me smoking and trying to win the lottery with Alex as the prize. What if I don’t care so much about the child, but rather I want to get rid of Alex?

The thought of another man makes me gag and I’ve always wanted a child of my own, I never understood people who didn’t. It well, hopefully, be a person who would love you unconditionally and I really hoped Arabella would.

She was born with that name and when I saw it I couldn’t help but wonder if she was named after the song and I wanted the younger the child the better and I guess myself being british and wealthy put a lot in my favor, people who think it doesn’t are wrong. It’s hard, but you still can.

I wonder how would she turn out and if nature would appear, but her story was simple, a lost child and her mother was about fifteen. She could be found, but it so happens, that some people do not want children and abortion doesn’t become an option. I’m sure the boyfriend is nowhere close either. It makes me wonder even more, but I guess I just wanted Arabella.

I close the door, knowing that Alex won’t be here when I’ll take her home for the first time and have trouble with the fucking milk. Alex doesn’t stop me, he never even asked me about if I wanted children, but even us becoming a couple was barely discussed after such denial.

I look at the bed, even if I managed to get two, one next to the bed where -

I’ll have to set it up tomorrow.

It’s gonna be fun, looking at the manual, as I have too much time on my hands.

And that’s what I do.

The night went on with me recalling seeing Alex for the first time, back when he had acne and didn’t know how to dress properly, held his guitar too high and was eager to see me who was amused by him. It was as if no one had ever told him how marvelous he was. It took us a long while to do anything. I wasn’t aware of his pansexuality, he himself was not aware of it for too long.

Because he is the only pansexual I know, I jump into judgements, but then I do know that it’s not like -

He claims he is pansexual, but he still chooses women, but then that would be a matter of the closet.

My thoughts are mixed, both scrapped in the morning with the bed and in the night with insomnia in both eyes as I lay in the damp sheets from sweat and come. It was cold and sticky, but I wanted to see how long I would last and I lasted until the morning, getting a call halfway that I could pick up Arabella.

I wondered what would I tell her if she asked me who was the love of my life and it seemed worse than a divorce, an on and off lover who doesn’t trust me enough.

I hadn’t known I was gay myself, you still think for a long while, that no attraction is surely attraction because the parents hold the same lack of fire you do for your girlfriend so you’re surely on the right track (to misery).

I guess my relationship with Alex was always a very clumsy dance, both of us clunging onto each other while being drunk. I’m still surprised I managed to control all my fear and kiss him the first time I did.

I had fallen in love with Alex the first time I had seen him.

He was on stage, singing horribly, I could see him be nervous and even Matt didn’t drum too well, but it was something, fuck it was always amazing. He himself was gorgeous and when he first walked on stage I had caught his eyes which were full of warm chocolate. I couldn’t move as the group was jumping, at least it felt like it and I kept staring at the lead singer with his goofy attire and his appeal. I think I stood like that for quite a few songs, myself 17 and looking back I wonder how come I didn’t like the easiness of being alone and not knowing

that I was gay

and that the love of my life would haunt me every night as he wears the mask of heterosexuality which no decent human being holds.

Before Alex went back deep in the closet, he kept asking me why won’t the world listen to their bodies and just fall in love with people, that even I’m not inclusive when it comes to women, while he is. He said that grinning and mocking me, while drinking beer.

Both of us coming to terms with ourselves and how our bodies managed to be together.

And then he’d playing and I wasn’t too far off and he had noticed me. I’m still surprised wth what lie had I came up with to get behind the stage and see Alex tune his guitar for no reason, stare into the distance before he started laughing that his first gig was now long gone.

I hadn’t realized how gorgeous he had looked, right there in front of me, until he glanced to look at me with the curious eyes whenever we’d buy a new record or anything I’d give to him for any holiday. It was a different fire, all what I had called love could be thrown away and forgotten. I had a burning passion, which was ripping my heart, I wanted to be with this boy desperately, I wanted to fuck him, I wanted him to fuck me.

He was gorgeous and I wasn’t thinking, besides of what should I say.

“Um, hi.” He had said, grinning at me and looking behind me and sad that there was no mob, but just me.

“Hi.” I said blankly, nothing else, just staring at him, not knowing what else to say. “Y-you were so fucking great.”

I used my chance to cover up with a white lie.

“I’m still fucking speechless, look.” And I started laughing, while Alex just smirked back.

“What’s your name?” The lead singer asked me, leaning against the wall, before choosing a chair instead. He put his treasured guitar down but I could still see how he had fiddled with his fingers. “I’m Alex.”

“Miles.” I said simply and I really din’t know where would this conversation head. I realize that if I don’t keep talking I might lose him, so all I could have said, was that it was a pleasure to meet him.

Later on we bought ourselves two drinks.

I think by the end of the night, I knew that there was something in me that I really hadn’t known, which was my sexuality.

Then everyone in school seemed different, I realized that there was nothing wrong with me not looking at the girls in all the different skirts, but rather at the blokes and how they would wear their ties, who had random boners and I started wondering who was gay and who wasn’t.

All of a sudden I realized that it’s not just me, the whole fucking world felt fucking gay to me. But all I knew what that Alex was Alex. We had departed with a laughter and we had managed to drink a bit awkwardly, but when I got drunk I started telling him of all the bands I liked and I really held from saying how adorable and attractive he looked, but I didn’t.

It took me ages, our friendship dragged on and on, becoming more homoerotic. I had managed to be in a band and I had already touched myself to Alex, aware who I really thought of.

I guess we had become friends when he went to mine’s, my parents out and we just watched whatever was on television, I had bought popcorn and there was no real occasion, until Alex told me his side of the story I had thought that surely, he was bored, we were all bored, now we’ve got much more entertainment available, so I still wonder how I’d manage without playing some stupid games with zombies at a hand’s reach.

When you’re about to break up, or rather after you get the fucking desire to apologize and tell your story.

I stopped doing the baby bed and I didn’t tell Alex what I was doing.

“I just... I found it bizarre, that you liked me, I knew I liked boys, but it was different. I felt like I could choose heaven or hell and girls weren’t that bad and still aren’t.” He exhales and I wonder if he’s smoking and where the fuck is Arielle and if she’s aware that we were once a pure item, not just random fucking around. I wonder why we stopped using regular landlines with the spiral cords and try to go into another room for privacy. “And there you were, fucking red, trying to score with me. I fucking know you.”

Maybe he’s drunk and I’m fucking crying.

But Alex goes on.

“I fucking love you, I saw you looking at me from the crowd, you liked me and you fucking followed me. You bought me a drink, you could barely speak until you got properly drunk and I wasn’t sure if I should bond with a bloke. I fucking loved you then, I didn’t know who the fuck you were, but I never had anyone adore me so fuck, so much.”

He stops.

In my head he is holding the spiral cord, biting into it, eyes closed, so that they don’t pierce my soul with agony and fear of never having him again after Arabella is in.

“Sometimes I question myself, how gray I am in all the areas. But then it’s the person, I had Alexa, who was always second to you. But -”

I look at the watch.

I don’t know who of us should break up.

“I’m engaged. My mother is happy that she’ll have grandchildren.” Alex tries to loosen up and I can see a forced smile and the cord is gone, he is most likely calling from Arielle’s iPhone, his own too old and he can’t be bothered to buy a new one, a heated debate from everyone and always a topic of discussion. “She thinks if I’m engaged, I’ll have children instantly.”

“I adopted.”

And he freezes instead, when it was supposed to be me. My bottom lip is trembling.

I put the phone on the floor, not needing to hear what Alex has to say but then I pick it up.

All I hear is silence.

This shouldn’t be how a break up should be, but it happens to be so, because our relationship never was a relationship.


I know I should be writing the requests, but things haven't been too good as far as you guys know and I'm pretty much obsessed with Milex lately and I've been writing this monster for the past few days XD

This is not the end XD so please do feel free to request (considering how much time I'm spending on it, I'd say if you request I'll shamelessly post the next chapter pretty fresh xD)

The idea came to me in a bus ride actually. I was watching (or rather the bus was showing) a overly tacky TV show and it had a gay man who was being pranked by another guy (you find that out later) that gay parents are the best. In the end the conclusion was that the country it was set in was not ready for it and that gays wouldn't be good parents.

That made me furious to no end and I started listening to AM trying to chill, annoyed at the whole portrayal. I thought of queer parents and I wondered what if Miles adopted a girl and Alex was anxious to be out of the closet?

Arabella is actually far from my favourite Arctic Monkeys song, sorry xD but it seemed matching and I had the kid as Arabella in my head nearly from when I first thought of her.

Initially it was going to be two chapters but I felt like publishing the whole monster and it's more fitting this way.

It's non-linear heavily if you ask me, as Miles' thoughts keep trailing and there's a bunch of time jumping, but that's how you are when anxiety hits you.

I've pretty much developed my own headcanon that Alex is pansexual and Miles is gay. Coz I also ship Alex/Alexa not as much as Milex, but I still do and well, that's pretty much my trail of thought and this is fanfiction. I can't determine if it's real or not.

All I can say I'm sure Milex stuff happened at some point and they are hiding it from us T___T

My favourite scene from all of this was the first time Miles saw Alex, it's a strong feeling when you actually finally get attracted to the right person and you discover who you really are. I had also recalled the time I had seen Jack White and how I was struck by his beauty. Of course Callie was here, the fire and everything.

The beginning of the dead sunflowers is actually a bunch of bizarre fields I had seen while being in the bus. Weirdest shit ever.

As usual I struggled with the title and after I finnished writing I was listening to Fluorescent Adolescent and the title pretty much came from there, but please keep in mind that I heavily, HEAVILY ship them, so don't worry... much XD

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I'm sorry about the lack of updates, I promise to get myself back on it :D

Still feel free to request :O and yeah, I'll post it when it would be written if it will be requested :) To request if you're new just write me anywhere that you want a continue XD


You're Not Coming Back Again 2

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