I feel bad that Jamie wasn’t in my thoughts when I came out. It were a bunch of different other boys, while Jamie had just been a crush which didn’t seem to cover my sexuality, it was just finding other people attractive really.
And he looks like a burnt out fire now, I wonder if this is what happens with marriage. Sometimes I chicken out of a relationship, sometimes it’s the second person.
And I have thoughts about the longest relationship I have which is with Stefan.
We had both been so desperately single at one period that we’d meet up every day after work and just walk around Edinburgh we even went once to Portobello and rented a room there, too bored to go back to empty apartments. When he was in the shower I had numerous vision of my tongue trailing down his body.
I wasn’t aware of my attraction until then and I don’t think I ever will be, because there’s none. Stefan had headed out with underwear and flopped down on the bed, ranting why the fuck were we both single, two men, me opened to anyone and him being openly gay for years.
I didn’t know what to answer and buying booze was too late, so everything was closed. Instead we watched some television out of pure boredom and I still had images in my head, I had seen him kiss me back as we watched some bad action movie with Ben Affleck who neither of us had found hot.
Jamie kept lingering in and out from my thoughts all through out these years and I’d buy their albums, listen to them and discard them, to be honest they were never anything I’d listen to, I’d hear his voice before the songs bore into my skull and I’d leave them, sometimes flick through the album art just to see his face.
I let my face age and he didn’t and drugs sure did his trick. I stopped doing them and I actually wondered if I had lost my creativity but I could still operate and I guess that’s what mattered.
So I look up at Jamie again, recalling a upcoming operation and I’m dreading it, hearing the lady’s mumbling and rants.
I don’t feel like killing this off after so many years even if his ring is a choker on my neck and not in the sexual way. I wonder if he’s still the same if you blow off all that glitter he’s got. I wonder if I’m just the one stuck in time after mom died, splitting bodies in half to take out and stitch whatever is necessary. I wonder if I’m stuck here, I mean nothing really changes here besides the shops on Princes Street. The bloody castle is still damn there, just that the politics change and the government wants people out.
People still buy Gregg’s, people still go to Primark and spend a lot of money there, thinking that it’s cheap, people still love Edinburgh.
I wonder if I’m tacky, but I really love strolling around and eating 99s whenever the weather allows it which for me is nearly all the time.
“So what are you planning to do, though?” I ask him, smiling and gripping my plastic cup of leftover alcohol as I start playing with it a bit too much and if it was socially acceptable I’d most likely start biting it.
I wonder how much will the ring choke me and will it actually.
“I was thinking to eat out somewhere.” He stops, quickly checking his iPhone. I should really know that it’s been years and I’m out of his league, written love letters to an old love never work out, but I’m not sure he’s an old love.
I don’t think I ever loved him, but then who had I loved?
I think the only person who I had meant to say “I love you” was to Stefan, when we were both drunk and I had tried bleaching his hair and we were literally rolling on the floor.
What if I’m on the other side of the screen?
Me and Stefan mostly eat in, I ended up learning how to cook and if we go out it’s to CCs and you always hear the conversation among gay men how it had been shabby before and how now it’s all nice. It’s the second discussion after how Edinburgh doesn’t need trams. Or rather the first among gay people, how nice CCs is now. I mean it is nice and all, but can we just shut up about it?
Or maybe it’s all in my head.
I feel embarrassed, I save lives, but I’m not on a higher scale in society compared to Hince with his wife, Moss.
You know when you’re in bed and thoughts graze your head?
I think if I don’t do anything, thoughts will continue grazing me, with some bitter regret and it will be worse than chocking.
I see that if we go to CCs I’ll bump into Stefan who will be nagging to me about his new boyfriend who is nearly twice younger than he is. I see him asking me numerous things and recalling Jamie himself who always seemed to be gay in Stefan’s eyes, but isntead we’d just discuss him as both of our boyfriends came and went.
I think me and Stefan are a bizarre couple.
In the end me and Jamie head out to some place he read about and I’m happy to have taken my wallet instead of a twenty, thinking that I wouldn’t need more.
It’s a bit of a fuss to tell dad, but he lets me go anyway.
I was quite nervous about it if to be honest. And I still am XD and I hope you enjoyed it:3
I pretty much am playing with Edinburgh being the setting and just chucking things in and I pretty much miss Edinburgh, so it's like a nice nostalgic trip, I think I know where I am going and what will happen and I will deeply miss Edinburgh, the city and of course some people.
I really hope you enjoyed it and I had the thought of Stefan and Brian giggle at CCs the whole day xD
Please feel free to request :3
Haha and tell me who do you ship more here xD