13 is an Utopia

Extracts and goodies: Zane Chapter 1 Mother

The novel itself: 13 is an Utopia on Amazon

Sypnosis: Everyone was thirteen, but what if you're thirteen now? With no one there, like it’s supposed to be. With no memories long past, to close eyes upon and laugh at one's stupidity or your own. When everything seems ideal, possible and even Sidney's homosexual best friend going for everything, hitting on goal keepers, by saying that Morrissey is sexy as Sidney seems keen on a girl, who doesn't seem too open, digging her nose in a book. What if you had managed to share your first kiss with your best friend at Halloween's eve? What happens when everything crashes and you wake up wondering if there is a reason to idolize everything?

LGBT: Queer and gay identifying male characters. Novel deals with being in the closet even for yourself.

Mental Health: Depression is a major theme through out the novel.

Status: Complete

(2014): The whole novel is a pretty funny thing as it was written as my Nanowrimo novel, which Callie notes always stars with gay men. It was written back when me and Callie weren't dating and it's a funny lil' thing with having Callie back when she was closeted in the story as a character, who is male and also one of the characters holds the same name as one of my ex's, making it more than peculiar. It also deals with being closeted even from yourself and the more I wrote it the more I could see Sidney's feelings towards Zane, which is a very essential piece in the story. What makes it more funny that while I was writing this I was entirely closeted both identity and sexuality wise, so it's funny to read that inside I was coming out, but it wasn't really getting to me yet.

Also it's currently the only self-published book I have, which is available on Amazon for anyone who wants it. The profit is wank and that's why To Miles will be published elsewhere, but for anyone 13 is a Utopia is available there and will be. Maybe I'll manage to take it down and sell it somehow else, but for now it's there.

I recall how I ended up asking everyone about how their thirteen was, everyone who I knew and it was a funny age for me as it was pretty much surrounded by me dating two blokes, who pretty much ended up cheating on me, but that's not the point, my thirteen was also when I first got intense depression that even when I look back I barely recall a few months of my thirteenth year, because I was just so down at all times.

Also thirteen kind of marks when I got tired of being girly and growing my hair and I promised myself that I would never grow my hair again and it was cut. It felt very freeing and to this day I feel dysphoric with long hair even if I sometimes flirt with the idea. It just felt like a change, that I was being myself and I had dressed more masculine at that time and I told myself that people just had to love me for the masculine side of me and I might have stumbled in that road and it did take me seven more years to understand my gender identity and accept my male side, but 13 still matters when I had cut my hair and accepted that I'm not feminine (later to discover that I'm not even a cis woman) and I won't force myself upon it.

So in a way, I am Sidney and I think everyone is, we all come out, we all end up accepting ourselves and life is fucking hard, because people think they have the right to tell us who we are up to the point that we ourselves do not know ourselves and that's what happens.

And 13 is a just a symbol here and it being a utopia, means that there is that brief moment when you think you know yourself, but in reality you are just slowly finally going on the path to self-discovery.

And please highlight the next bit as it is a spoiler: that is why the novel ends with Sidney just kissing Zane. 

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