My mind keeps ticking.
I want him desperately, even my
thoughts are a big ice cream scoop of everything.
Now it was real, it wasn't blowing
straw wrappers at each other while dirty talking with what we would
do with each other anymore. It was something else, it was the real
thing, no matter how bad it sounded, it seemed to be grasping us and
pulling by the hair.
I couldn't help but even feel jealous
of myself that I was getting laid somehow. Somehow he was into me and
I kissed him, feeling his fingers tease me even more, even if it was
clumsy and it was a bit all over the place. I felt myself heating up
from the quick break we took from kissing and seeing him look so
lustfully at me made me feel elevated and somehow a bit adored, as
well as heavily dazed.
I recall all the disasters I've heard
of where is your dick and how one isn't a man just because the junk
isn't the one one desires. And somehow those things aren't on Jamie's
lips. Somehow it so happens that it goes beyond attraction, that
there is no foolish fear of being less gay. I still feel scared, but
he's touching me and I don't even know where to hide, and how come
this is happening, that I break everything by kissing him and holding
it, before passion takes me for a whirl and I open my mouth, feeling
his tongue against mine. I grind heavily against him, being more
afraid of touching him back, feeling my whole body naked and
vulnerable and somehow receiving pleasure rather than some sort of
black despair. I kiss Jamie's neck, pushing him lower against the
bed, kissing him downwards, as he closes his eyes and his hand is on
the back of my head, guiding me lower.
I feel far too innocent than I wish I
would've been. I wish I had some experience, but my body and my mouth
travel far faster than I wish they would. I pull his underwear down,
exposing him entirely in front of me. I'm far too desperate to tease
him, so I just take him in my mouth, gripping his hips, taking in as
much as an amateur can, Jamie pushing me to take more, so I gag
lightly, getting turned on as I start booming him, in and out, always
making sure to check him as he keeps his eyes closed and breathing
heavily. I have no idea how can I even deliver pleasure when my only
window into sex was porn and frankly my own hand and a handful of
curiosity. And even then I had gotten close only with old boyfriends
before I had known I was trans, and a few girls which I experimented
with, thinking that perhaps the deviant side of me was somehow queer.
I try to keep my mind calm, even if it
keeps racing and I get even more turned on, touching myself now as I
give Jamie a blow job.
I fear so much
I take him out of my mouth, as Jamie
now pins me down, kissing me again and I'm sure he can taste himself.
The thought turns me on as he continues to stroke me again, clumsily
as I grind against him.
Jamie sits up and asks me if I'm
alright, which takes me a bit by surprise as I just sit up as well,
kiss him and lay back down. He traces his hands down my body, takes
the condom and breaks it open. I get a bit anxious from thinking, but
I close my eyes, feeling Jamie's hand on my chest as he positions
himself and he slides in a bit too fast, causing me to open my eyes
fast and gasp. It's an odd feeling at first, as he doesn't even try
to move, stroking my cheek, then he starts moving. I grasp onto him,
my mind racing and my body now hitting waves of pleasure I had only
toyed with and it's coming from a man who I crush on. I try not to
think much of Alex, but he crosses my mind, how I had thought that
somehow I would be having sex with him instead, but life goes in its
bizarre ways.
Maybe it wasn't fated after all-
Jamie goes deeper now.
I moan, pulling him onto me, as he
grabs me by my chin and kisses me again, his tongue rubbing heavily
against my own, easing me and somehow driving me far more crazy and
turned on. I pull him closer, breathing into his ear to go even
deeper and harder, as he does so, licking my neck.
He starts going in and out, teasing me
by doing it slower, but it only brings me closer to an orgasm. We
both start moaning into each other's mouths, my hand now barely doing
anything to myself, as I push myself further, Jamie now biting my
neck-
I feel closer and closer, breathing
heavily
I hear Jamie let out a very loud moan
and I gasp, unravelling completely and moaning heavier as he keeps
thrusting in me, as we both clutch onto the orgasm.
Eventually we both lose energy and
Jamie stops, collapsing on top of me, as I kiss his forehead and
proceed back to my heavy breathing.
It feel even more surreal as I stare at
the ceiling, now on my back and Jamie on his side, canoodling me.
For the first time in years I dream of
a woman, they come to me rarely in my dreams and when I was growing
up there were a handful and they were sexual dreams, which looking
back I just felt pressured into liking women or maybe sexuality is
fluid to some extent. Who will know what actually was written there
in the past? Who knows what motivates our dreams?
She looks at me and I see her, she's a
nun with black hair. Besides her I see completely nothing, she gives
me the shivers as she leans heavily close to me. She makes sure that
there is no one left and then I see the man engulfed in flames again,
his hair sparkling and roaring. She tries to put her hands to the
flames and stops there, as if warming up, before the other man just
stares at her, confused, as she then proceeds to take off the cross
she is wearing around her frail neck. She looks a bit too skinny and
underfed, but she doesn't look like your average nun with a bit of
blush on her cheeks and dark lipstick, maybe her outfit is the only
thing which gives it away and it could be a Halloween costume as
well. Soon enough I can start seeing the outlines of things, I see
that we're in the same room and the man engulfed by flames leans and
eventually sits near Jamie, who seems to be barely breathing.
“He's a sight, isn't he?” He asks
in a very familiar and deep voice, looking at me through his red eyes
and pale skin. He doesn't dare to touch Jamie, but he makes sure that
he keeps looking at me. The girl stands up and starts doing a
cartwheel in the end of the bedroom, nearly knocking down the
television to which she nearly apologizes for.
That's when Alex knocks in and appears
in his famous jacket. He doesn't seem to notice me, but he heads in
and sits at the end of the bed, as if waiting for something to
happen. But that's the problem with Alex, as if he knows, he does
nothing, as if he knows what is happening outside of everything, he
does nothing. He lets the man and the woman exchange looks and the
man throws some dice to roll and offers a game of yatzee.
“Miles, what game of yatzee?” And I
hear a following laughter, as I open my eyes and I didn't even
realize that I had fallen asleep and the same had apparently happened
to Jamie, as we both wake up to snow going behind the window,
greeting us as the new season tips it's hat to us. It's pitch black
outside and makes me go under the covers as Jamie laughs at me. I
just shush at him, as if closing my eyes again would help the snow go
away.
He just strokes my hair and I wonder
what else he is doing, so I open my eyes to see the white speckles of
snow contrast against the dark days of winter tiptoeing on us. But
sleep seems to take over me and drag me by the collar again, so I
just allow myself to sleep, thinking of places which will slip away
from me once I visit them because time had touched them.
When life gives you a calm routine,
it's only one's head left to mess it all up, that's when the
depression acts up, anxiety dawns on you and everything seems to be
falling apart inside. I don't even realize how thankful I should be
for the days where I wake up with Jamie by my side and somehow I
dread showing up to his at Jack's, where he holds one room which has
clothes scattered, a bunch of books opened and turned over on random
pages with scribbles on them and some cut-outs on the walls. It
wasn't the room I was scared of, but rather Jack who seemed to
intimidate me somehow. He would seem calm, but once I saw him drop a
plate he was carrying and he just continued to stare at the shards
until Jamie had snapped him out of it and that had been it for me,
that was the only odd thing, but his calmness which was a heavy
contrast to Alex's mood seemed to be enough.
Alex wasn't bitter, he just seemed sad,
drinking tea quietly and inviting us over even if we ourselves didn't
declare anything, he still called us boyfriends and neither of us
budged on the names we were given. Only after several nights Jamie
asked me and I just said that things were taking their course, so
perhaps we were boyfriends after all. I kept pondering on Jack, who
was quiet, but in a different, calm way, as if observing everything
which was happening through a lens, maybe he was at a game of chess
and was just watching it, one of the weird people who do that
eventually.
I wondered, as if I were sitting
opposite Alex on a long table, how did he feel that now I was dating
Jamie and he had been discarded? How did he feel indeed? And how
would all of this continue unravelling, how come love triangles would
always repeat themselves with one being left alone and none had a
nice polyamorous ending which would suffice to all? I wondered if I
could ever ask him that and how come with all the dreams I didn't end
up with Alex and he would still come to my dreams and we would talk.
But depression becomes more than a
filthy pillow to sleep on, it just keeps dragging on and on if you
look upwards. I keep pondering and recalling how odd it is that the
world still moves regardless if you do anything at all. That you can
barely ever influence anything, you can't change anything other than
your own small moves and on some days that is never comforting, but
rather alarming.
Winter seems to be feeding us slowly by
the spoon and summer feels no longer near as the weather just gets
worse just by looking outside and seeing the snow.
Not thinking about Alex is hard. Alex
was like a lost love I couldn't get over. It didn't matter, he would
always come back swinging in thoughts and bumping into him was making
it worse and seeing him trade his leather jacket for a coat, but he
would wear it inside sometimes when the heating would be bad.
How can you know which wishes will come
true and which won't?
How do you know when you have fallen in
love and why you won't act on it?
I end up standing near Alex's door,
winter fully talking over Stockholm with yesterday's storm and the
suicide which made all the trains freeze and me and Jamie were left
on a station, which I had never been before. I couldn't even recall
the name and all of us had to wait outside, in the snow waiting for
the buses to come and pick us up. It made me think about Alex, whilst
I was warm in Jamie's arms. It made me think far too much. I found
myself roaming with boredom because I had settled already. It was an
odd feeling, but it was demented.
I remember that once we got on the bus,
I had fallen asleep and through the whole dream I could feel Jamie's
fingers going through my hair.
I think there are the two types of
people in love: those who throw you under the bus and those who
don't. Sometimes it so happens that you get the same type in a
relationship, sometimes it's the opposite. Despite all the
reassurance sometimes I still dream of myself as a woman, scared that
no one else will see me as male. I was back to my closeted days with
longer hair and I was in a relationship with Alex, he was still
wearing the jacket only know it was more worn out. He told me that I
should try stealing some office supplies from the store. And once I
was going outside, he grabbed me by the backpack I was carrying
apparently, telling me that men will throw the women under the bus,
making me jerk and look back at him, confused.
The store owners came back only to
accuse me of stealing. I said that I had money to pay for said
supplies, thinking that 400 kroner would be enough. But they just
laughed at me, saying that it wasn't enough. Ironically it was what I
had in my wallet in real life as well. I have no idea why couldn't I
pay with card either, so Alex just looked at me, before asking if
they would take a cheque, ignoring that he had been laughing all this
damn time. They took his cheque and that had been it.
I ended up jerking, causing Jamie to
hold me and stroke me further, calming me down as I just looked at
him bewildered. It wasn't great to be misgendered in a dream and I
knew that day dreams meant nothing unlike night ones. But I just
remained silent for the rest of the trip, wondering why the hell did
we live in the last station. I stopped at the we and just looked up
to see now Jamie dozing off from the long ride, as if the train would
be any faster.
In the end I just shiver and decide to
ring on Alex's door bell, because if you're not the one to confront
your nightmares and dreams, there will be no one left. He ditched his
leather jacket, so I'm surprised regardless to see him in a stripy
shirt, which looks very naval and he just invites me inside.
I don't even know how to approach the
subject or how to even tell him such and where do we go from there,
but then maybe it's just me being eager to make things happen. Jamie
had ditched his fear of Alex long ago and I was left with a
boyfriend. It felt as if I wouldn't do anything, nothing would
actually happen. I shouldn't be doing this over my boyfriend's back
either. But I can't deny now, that I'm juggling both of them and I
seem to be in a haze of confusion when it came to both men and it was
flattering because I was transgender after all and that was hard to
bite into, it was hard to understand that I would somehow manage to
lure two men in. I always thought myself to be too simple with my
music taste and my freelancing, because that was what was dug into my
skull by my relatives. They judged me being a freelancer in the small
times that I would call them but even then I wondered if I should
reconcile, like that article by a trans woman saying that you should
still send cards because they'll know that you sent them off.
Alex makes me lemon tea as usual and I
sit down. I can see that he is surprised and relieved that Jamie is not by my side, that he is sleeping after a long night of me
working and him just browsing the internet. I can't understand how
this idle togetherness is getting under my skin already even if I
know that the answer is because I can't understand the dreams and
I don't want to leave it alone at all. I know that I want all the
answers, and how come Alex and Jamie split is also echoing in my
head, the curiosity is something I don't know how to deal with as
well. I can't understand how either of them choose someone else
when they had been together for a long while and then Alex had
cheated, because it just feels to me that there was something else,
but that could be because I can't justify Alex's actions in my
mind.
I blow on my tea, not expecting it to
cool down so fast. I don't know how to speak and I have a boyfriend,
maybe I should've just left it and let some love flourish and I know
that Jack had called us cute the one time we went over, as he watched
us carefully. I could see everything through his curls and I wondered
what was his big deal. But that could've also been a question I
could ask Alex, and how I don't want to ask Jamie further
makes me feel even shittier. But instead I just make myself
comfortable and make sure that I am as opposite as I can be of my
dreamer boy, who has been in my dreams longer than I have known
myself.
Maybe I should've left him alone.
But my mind has a voice of its own and
it seems direct from the heart.
-
I think it was very mean of me to leave it in the middle of the sex scene but I really wanted it out and I was desperate and my mind shuts off once I reach the word count anyway xD more or less.
Also as I was writing this chapter I felt like I was slowly making a turn towards the end, kind of going towards the climax, I get these feelings like is the story becoming too long? And then I start thinking of the ending, it's kind of how I roll and this story has been ongoing for a few years, so maybe it's time for it to start going towards that direction at least. Also Start Finding Passion had ended ages ago even if it was supposed to be short. I'm actually looking forward to having this story done and concluding all the questions which have been opened both in B/J (ahahahah, the abbreviation) and SFP. But you know me, it's still going to take a while to finish this one off.
I think I covered all the grounds when it comes to me, sex and this story in the previous back story.
Also, shout out to The Kills' new songs which are amazing and have fuelled this story through and through specifically during this chapter.
Throwing straw wrappers is a personal to me thing, my favourite love story of all is, I've surely mentioned it before, is a Radiohead fanfiction called Gagging Order. Unfortunately it's been taken down as I found out recently, so I can no longer link to it. For some reason the scene where Jonny blows a straw wrapper to Thom stuck to my mind and I even do that to Callie all the time, so I kind of did that as a small love scene.
I'm also super pleased with how the love lines are going in the story.
And I was thinking earlier today how happy I am with Miles and how much I can relate to him since we're both trans men and all.
About Miles' and fate it's hard because I've kind of given up on my own, so it was trying to find the faith to continue the story because it's very different from my own even if I had based the feelings and the dreams on my own. That's why I had been leaning so heavily upon Jamie, matching the story and now it's really time to resume despite what's going on with me, so yeah. I'll be watching mine unfold someday, I just don't think now is the time and I guessed wrong with the said person, I think, but then who knows. I can never tell and nothing is really concrete. So I had to find the power in me to continue despite my own sadder version and whatnot.
I think the hardest thing to describe is an orgasm, at least to me, because you need to drive the characters to such a point where they can only unravel and that's still quite hard, like in sex really.
I still dream of women sometimes, just like Miles, so I included that and well, I was actually thinking to leave the character of the woman out (is it obvious who I chose for the role?) but as I was writing I decided, you know what the idea of putting her there would be amazing and her role.
Also besides the orgasms, what's hard to describe is the dreams which Miles has and I had turned off the lights to describe the first dream sequence here and listened to old Dead Weather stuff, because God knows the new stuff isn't so good, well, if you ask me. I actually listen to Old Mary a lot when it comes to the dark underplots of Blue/Jacket and this chapter nearly all of it was written under Echo Home and Siberian Nights. Siberian Nights heavily on repeat though.
I for some reason give the same region of Stockholm to my stories set in Stockholm and in that apartment which we shared and I base so many things from I had played yatzee for the first time.
Also it's summer and I've been writing this story like under 26 degrees so it's been rather odd describing a suffocatingly cold winter.
We actually got stranded once along with the whole train because someone had committed suicide and I decided that well, it had to be included. I couldn't recall which station was it that we were dropped off at and decided to leave it as such.
The second dream was something I had dreamt only it was much longer and I just wrote some notes, as I had woken up to write it down for a story idea. That's what I do super often. I didn't know where to use it until I opened Blue/Jacket and decided to give it a whirl here.
I struggled whether I should use Jamie or Alex in the dream sequence. But it's a day dream so it doesn't mean... much >:)
As I was talking about the ending and all, that's why I made Miles walk up to Alex and decide to finally tell him, which will be in the next chapter, of course.
Also great pat on the back for me because I managed to update in 3 days x)
I hope you enjoyed it just as greatly as I did.
Thank you so much and if you liked it please tell me so
<3
Jamie
