I was desperately in love with us and when Jamie became a lawyer, because he didn't want to pursue the artist and photographer life, that was when the first thoughts of doubt struck me down. I didn't have such a backup, I never thought of other things I could do and it would send me into a frenzy as if I was some whiny teenager which would get told to work instead of enjoying idle teenage life. My teenage life was a turmoil, so I compensated by dragging that attitude with me. I ended up having to grow up faster, because I didn't want to be treated as something other than an adult and getting Jamie as a boyfriend seemed like an act of rebellion which I thought an adult would do. After all, people turn heads when your boyfriend is ten years older and you're barely legal. He was a friend of a friend who was doing a photo show in the city. The photos were absolutely bizarre, with everything ranging from milk cartoons to sexual partners grinning after fucking.
Jamie was far from my first, but I remember that the night which we first spent was one of the best fucks of my life and it somehow stuck to me, I became attached even if I didn't admit it to him for a while and tried to play it cool as much as I could, because I still thought I was a girl, I didn't give too much thought to the discomfort I felt.
“What about your sister?” He asks me. I was in love with Lana when we met. I broke Lana.
I tremble. I rub the hickey with my fingers. I look into his deep green eyes. He has nothing to fear, I cheated on Lana with him. He was never aware that I had an incestuous romance with my sister. That I tormented my past with all this thinking and now the Pandora box was back to being open, because she was here and mom was maybe finally gone. Was I happy? I was neutral because she was never there for us and now we weren't even there for each other.
I don't cry, but my shoulders shake and Jamie puts his hands on them. Maybe Jamie always was the love of my life.
“Nothing-” I look away and he takes me by the chin, so that I would at least glance back at him.
“What is it? You might as well just put it to rest. I'm sure your mother's death is bringing feelings back. Maybe it's best to bury all family drama.” He offers, maybe he would've insisted if I wasn't crying, but instead he just leaves it hanging in the air. “If your mother was someone else, I'd say that it's best for her, but it's really all about you now... and Lana.”
Lana never liked him for obvious reasons, Jamie tried to get along with her the first few years before realizing that he can't actually get along with everyone he meets, even if it's often that he does. It seemed like a puzzle he tried to solve by calling her over when I wouldn't be available and make sibling in law time, but it never worked.
I would bite my nails. I search a bit for a packet of cigarettes, but I shouldn't be smoking inside much. But instead Jamie motions for me to at least try to talk. I'm sure that I am pale as a damn ghost. I sigh and fix my hair slowly, playing with it, pushing the strands aside. I look at him, it never occurred to him for sure.
“I was seeing someone when we met.” Jamie looks at me confused.
“What does this have to do with your sister? Did you steal her boyfriend?” His facial expression just gets more lost, as he seems to be tossing different possibilities in his mind. I'm far too calm for my own good. I take a cigarette box from his pants. Jamie reminds me of the nearly lost lighter.
I start laughing as if I'm drunk.
“I was seeing Lana. I was fucking Lana.”
Jamie stares at me even more confused. He opens his mouth to ask something, but instead he notices that I'm not joking as I light the cigarette.
“That's why she hated you. I dumped her after I met you.” I sniff. “I dumped her. I hope that explains things. We've always had an odd relationship since mother was an asshole to us and we had to rely on each other. You don't want to speak of abuse to other people, when there's someone going through the same thing you are. It just... makes sense.”
Jamie looks at me wide eyed, not sure of what to say, just allowing his older thoughts to be trumped by new ones. I'm sure there's enough things going around in his mind.
“Is that why you left me?”
“No.” I pause, emphasize. “No. Lana had nothing to do with it, she never forgave me for leaving her. I left her as a sister too. I wanted nothing with the household. I just wanted the nice house. I became nostalgic for a while when I asked you to leave, but I never contacted her. You know... what happened.”
“And you want me to be a lawyer against your former lover and your sister?”
And I want you to love me again. We kissed, can we go back to a simpler time where kisses meant everything instead of now when sex can be a replacement for one night not to feel lonely again? Even then the awkward stuttering at the end just makes the loneliness come back full force. I didn't even sleep with anyone after I broke up with Jamie. I just wanted to be alone and find myself but like Jamie said, I sank and could barely create. I couldn't find inspiration to do any art and motivation to even go outside. I'm guessing he knows by asking mutual friends or maybe they told him concerned, but imagining your ex-husband asking if far more flattering.
I hate remembering dreams that happened last night, because they always show a mirror's reflection of my fears, scarier because they're behind me and I can see them intertwine. In most of them Jamie's never there.
Jamie still looks at me confused and digesting the fucking confession I just slapped across his face. He doesn't make any degrading comments, because he's grown even more quiet and polite ever since he became a lawyer. Before we would both be very fired up, but then with age you realize how much of an asshole you were. I can't help but wish that so many things would come back. I don't care if I'm back to being in my late teens or my twenties, I just want out of thirties and I want to see him again daily.
I just look at him. Such things don't happen overnight.
“That... never stopped me from loving you. I just thought... that maybe I shouldn't keep the one lie I always kept.”
“You could've told me that earlier.” I watch him, trying to understand if he's hurt. “I knew how badly your mother treated you both and it's screwed... that you had to turn to each other like that.”
“We wanted to.” I say a bit defensive, because we still were together and we were in some twisted love even if it was a result of abuse. “You can't just put all the blame on mom, by the end of the day it was our decision to fucking... go ahead with this. We were the ones who put our mouth to it, literally.”
Jamie flinches a bit, I'm guessing it is hearing about two relatives who were fucking to him after all. Not that we are still a family, but he knew us both as siblings. I look down and the hair covers my eyes.
“I just met you and felt something new. Something I hadn't felt with Lana. After all, a sibling's love is always different. You'd do anything for them but it's nothing that will consume you in flames. I liked that and even if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to stay away from you at any time.”
Jamie struggles visibly and I'm guessing that it's whether to touch me or not, he eventually puts his hand on my shoulder first, but then we've kissed already, so he puts his hand on my cheek and I feel my whole body go breathless from his rough touch. His hands were always the same texture no matter how much I would nag for him to moisturise them and when he did, it wouldn't work much. I look into his eyes.
Jamie switches the subject and looks away, behind me, just to find anything, but his hand is still on my cheek.
“Did she ever forgive you?” He asks, probably knowing the answer anyway, but it's more of a confirmation or a way to start the subject forwards.
“No. That's why we're disputing the house.” I sigh. I knew that if it wasn't for the whole commotion, Lana would've stepped back easily, but maybe she wants to keep the memories she thought I tossed away. I don't know how would I make it up to her. How would I? I'm too scared to touch his hand back or move. If I'm getting a cramp in my neck from leaning against his hand, but I don't dare to even flinch in case he snaps back to reality and takes his hand away.
“I see.” He strokes my cheek gently and then we both end up in a silence, which we would sometimes, just watching each other lovingly through out the course of our long relationship. I get the urge to cry again.
“I... I love you.” I say and my voice breaks. Jamie doesn't stop stroking my cheek, but he's more than hurt.
“Alison, you just left me.” He takes his hand off my cheek and I grab it with my own hands. Jamie tenses up, but lets it be held by me as I stroke it now with my thumbs. “You never told me about Lana, yeah, it's not like you cheated, but I never had any idea. You couldn't trust me to the last bone in your body and...”
I look at his slightly opened lips.
“What if you never loved me?” I watch his mouth move slowly, I could trace it with my fingers before.
“I loved you.” I say it quietly, my hands grasping into his. “I never cheated. I never... I only thought of Lana only after the divorce because I was lost.”
“Why did you divorce me?”
“Why?” I echo his question back and it's my turn to stare past him. I shake my head. “No reason will be enough to explain the sudden solitude I felt...”
I rub my eyes with the back of my hand, leaving the other to still touch him, since he would be going away forever soon.
“I just...” I pause. “I got scared of change. You didn't want to live the artistic life.”
“I didn't want to live in your mother's bedroom. I wanted something bigger for us. Alison, I did it for us. Photography wasn't my forte at the end of the day.” I sniff, recalling his shows and photos which would still make us survive. I had him by my side all the days. “We can't live like we're in our twenties and thirties again.”
I just shrug and look away. Maybe it was best that we parted ways. He turns to face me. I look down and then he leans closer and kisses me briefly. I hold the kiss as long as I can before he breaks it.
“You should never doubt that I loved you.” He says.
Jamie smirks at my response and looks at me in the eye. “I never left.” He pauses. “I wasn't the one to file for divorce.”
“You're gonna hold it against me.” I nearly whine, as he smiles watching me.
“Forever.” He widens his eyes with a grin. My heart goes up to my throat. My own eyes widen. I can't dare to ask. Jamie notices my pale face. His own breathing gets harsher. I can barely keep up with my own thinking, as it all seems to shatter into nothing. All those thoughts and regrets, all gone with a sudden glimmer of realization, but he says it anyway. “It's not like love goes away when you've loved someone for over seventeen years.”
“Lots of people have midlife crises and go for a younger person.” I say nearly mechanically, probably destroying the moment for no good reason. Jamie smirks at that. “Where does their love go?”
“I still love you.” He interrupts me and kisses my forehead, pondering for a while before leaning down to kiss me on the lips.
I actually did finish some of the stories and a year later since my last fanfiction post, I've switched to fiction fully now, but I have some which I want to see the light of day and maybe one day will be rewritten into proper novels. I don't know their fate and I just wanted to blow the dust off and give them some life.
RV was one of my favourite stories which I miss and was happy and I am terribly glad that I had ended it. I don't think I would've been happy having left it at an eternal hiatus.
There's one more chapter to go, so I'll be posting the few chapters of stories I have finished to make peace with them and I hope they will be enjoyed. In the current fashion of me being cryptic, here is RV's second to last chapter and I hope you've enjoyed my fanfiction over the years as much as I have.
If there is a story you'd like to see finished, most likely I have it or might just give it another shot and write an ending to it. Please feel free to ask.
Thank you for all the love and support,
I am over here now @ wordpress.
P.S. I shall forever love The Kills regardless.