The Blunderbuss Angel Said The Union Is Forever 13

They say there is a sadness which doesn't allow one to create and one which does. But what about the happiness which consumes one and somehow love crawls under the skin?


Or is there just some passion gone terribly wrong?


I would never knock on his door, expecting everything to go wrong, instead I drive myself crazy with all the thoughts and making up all the odd stories in my head to kill time. I imagine all the scenarios in which he would love me just as desperately as I would or some reality where he would just push me over and I wouldn't be talking to myself on the couch while staring at the ceiling, making sure that Kate is asleep, the thrill of the honeymoon long gone which I will never recall and all reality blurred to such an extinct that I don't even know if I am drinking any more.


I do nothing.

I've told myself the real story all the time, making sure that I've remembered and forgotten every detail of his skin and how it had felt to kiss his love against his lips. The problem is that there is no ending, no spoilers and nothing to hint anything otherwise. There is just a crashed by my own mood and feelings bachelor party. There are feelings which have gone sour for anyone else. I can only think of my own ending to brace myself to sleep. And maybe that is solace.


Maybe I'll forget your face someday, but for now it's pure agony and I've made my decision with another woman. Be the story teller before I sleep, lure me into those dreams where neither of us are cowards and where we both lose ourselves, I don't really believe that somehow we are not whole but we would surely become something.


To describe something wild, nothing comes to mind to fit it and how to describe it.


When does love collapse?

Why does it end in a whimper?

Why does the receiver of the last letter never respond?

Where do the kisses of love go?

And when will I ever stop telling myself all these stories where we had once loved each other?


The last story is always the truth,

That you were my muse.

That you carried me through life, only

To immerse me in water one last time

So that when I open my eyes

I would see the stars

And you hidden in the dark.

There will never be a truth as vivid

As the one I've told.


Take those steps back, with me in your arms.

Take a future where we fear no man.

I will always mourn.



-


I've decided to finish off my favourite stories or reveal the final chapters, so that there is nothing left of fanfiction which I didn't neglect. There are a few stories which are on hiatus, which maybe will be turned to fiction later, but for now, I'm showing these loved stories their deserved ending.


Blunderbuss started many many years ago and whenever I had a short idea, it would be tied into this bizarre AU. By the end I had a connection with a guy, which ended up being doomed, so I decided the last chapters to our brief relationship. It seemed like a fitting story to pour my feelings into.


The story ended way before the relationship had, if I recall correctly. It holds how I thought things would end. It's sad to end a story which spanned many years, but here it is.


Thank you for the support and it had been a request originally, back when I had done those. I just want to say thank you.


<3


Jamie

Relationship Values 11/Epilogue

Life is short. We don't realize it because we're constantly fighting and that's how we get distracted by the lightning fast pace of it.

I realize that when I meet Lana again, while me and Jamie decided to eat out, after fishing out all the stupid documents I had ended up scattering all over the house. I never cared much about my birth certificate and once we found it, I stared at it for a long while, as if it was somehow a reminder of my mother. Was that the last gift? My name? It made me think for a while, as Jamie watched me.

Maybe we should all ask for forgiveness? Maybe there's a point in saying sorry.

She's in a red dress, as I catch her hand before the bathroom. Sister or not, we were together for a while. Lana stares at my own hand, slowly removing it, confused at the sudden touch. Jamie headed out for a smoke. We're leaving the place.

I wanted the house.

“Have the house.” I say. She tilts her head and even narrows her eyes at me, expecting some backstabbing since I happen to be more than excellent at that. She looks around, probably wondering where's Jamie and if he's wired with something to take to court. Lawyers are lawyers after all.

“What?” She asks baffled. I can see that we've both gotten older and I always forget to take care of myself, while Lana on the opposite with her status as a trophy wife does everything to look great.

“I don't want it.” I say. Maybe she's wired and she steps closer to me, as if to make sure that I'm saying the things she is hearing.

“But you live there.”

“Ah.” Of course. From who she could've heard? No one. I'm sure Jack as displeased as he was, didn't call my sister to tell her that his boyfriend left him to try with his ex-spouse again. “Jamie's got a place.”

“It's an apartment in the city. Where are you going to paint?” How does she even know? But then maybe word spread, it's not like we have a different circle of friends.

“I don't need that much space to paint.”

“You always claimed that you did.”

“I was an asshole.” I shrug, recalling how I would make a commotion for mom and Lana to leave the garage alone because my huge room wasn't enough for me at all, because I was just being greedy. Lana just smirks slightly, crossing her arms and I look down at her huge heels. She feels so stereotypical, but she always wanted this. All she's missing is the children which will come along the way in the next few years.

“I'm sorry.”

“For being an asshole?” She reaches into her purse and pulls out a box of cigarettes, also to indicate that she is done with this conversation and would join anyone else outside, which isn't Jamie, since she still has all reasons to hate him. You'll always hate the person who you were left for.

“Yeah.” I pause. “I mean, not that.”

“Go on.” I catch Lana's attention. A woman walks past us, still fixing her hair after the mirror. Lana sighs and looks at her manicured nails. I never liked having long claws, but as years went on hers got longer and longer and I would tell her how impractical they were, but she wouldn't listen.

“I'm sorry for... Jamie. I'm sorry for leaving you.” I leave it vague, because people are listening, women are listening as they fix their make-up. Lana looks away, biting her lips, rubbing her arm with her hand.

“It took you more than seventeen years to say that.” She says and I can see that she's holding from making her voice break. Lana looks back at me and I see her eyes shimmer. I've left her alone. We didn't really have many friends. We were always there for each other. I always imagined our forgiveness differently, I'd think we would get back together, I'd even think that we would hook up for time's sake. But -

Maybe there's some love which doesn't last. We've been so distant. And I've discarded her.

Now I cross my arms before I wrap my arms around her, as she begins to cry. We've grown. We've grown apart. Maybe it's best that we're on track. I move her from side to side, as if we're small again. Lana gives out a small laugh and eventually pulls away from me.

She wasn't even angry at mom for long.

She leans in, but then leans back, smiling.

It's all gone.

I smile back.

-

That's pretty  much it. I'll try to give justice to the few stories that I actually finished. I enjoyed the whole love triangle between Lana/Alison/Jamie I had created quite a while back. Maybe I'll use it in some sort of way in fiction, who knows. I love revisiting old stories and looking them through.

I know this last chapter is very long overdue, but I hope it is still loved.

I thought it would be longer, I knew that it would go differently, that Jamie/Alison would be endgame and whatnot.

I'll really miss writing fanfiction full time and I do. But I've been working a lot on new stuff, even if I'm on a brief hiatus currently, because when am I not?

RV made me think a lot and it'll forever have a small place in my heart.

Thank you for all the support over the years,

Jamie

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