Blue/Jacket 13

Alex just shakes his head.

“Sorry, I had a horrible hookup.” He pauses. And I just stare at him, confused on what is going on and all of the courage I've once had is long gone. I feel regretful that the topic is changed even from my mind and now that I must be compassionate and that is what is wrong with me. I shift from one man to another in hope of finding some fulfilment and love. But Alex is going on in his wave and I don't interrupt him further. “Basically it was my first proper hookup, y'know...”

He doesn't flinch as he takes a sip of the hot tea, looking right past me on his round table, standing tall.

“Grindr and all such finesse. I even had to go quite a fair number of stations away, because I figured that he was worth it. He seemed nice and all I did was trust him in that. Basically it all lasted rather little, he came in me twice and that was it. He didn't bother to make me come. He just... showered, went out in his underwear and said he was done for the day. That was fucking it.” Alex cringes, closing his eyes. He opens his brown eyes, still bewildered from the whole action which was happening on him. “Basically I'm talking about it to everyone, I really feel used and uncomfortable... So you came in time.”

He speaks in long pauses.

“I'm happy it was you, not Jamie. He would've judged me. Not to mention I got a call from my mother.” He quickly scans me, as if trying to find whether to reveal much more information but I see that he's really tired, so Alex closes his eyes again. “I've forgiven her.”

He doesn't state why.

“So... she asks me, how are you Alexander, and all I can say is that I'm fine. I can't really tell my mother no matter how stained the relationship is that a bad hookup had managed to really ruin me for a good while.” I let him speak. I listen. “I'm so sorry. I just really feel horrible.”

“I'm sorry.” I pause. Maybe he isn't the man of my dreams and neither am I of his? “It's not your fault that he came within minutes. He was just a really bad fuck. I've never... had hookups. I'm trans, I think there aren't too many men who would sleep with me.”

“Jamie sleeps with you.” Alex says gingerly, more at the fact that I am fucking his ex and I just feel taken back and a bit protective of my sand watch boyfriend, which I seem to be tilting over whenever the time runs out for my patience. I don't notice as I drum my fingers on the table. I feel annoyed and I know that he's hurt. I know that he's hurt. I stand up, looking at my tea.

“But I dream of you.” It's dramatic and we lock eyes. “I expected Jamie to be transphobic, since he's Brazilian. I stereotyped him.”

I babble.

Alex just crooks his head to the side, looking at me.

“What do you mean, that you dream of me?” The words are so simple but he takes time to choose them and speaks in pauses.

I really feel like leaving even if he feels like crap from his actually shitty hookup. But this seems to be the best slap in the face and wake up call. We stand with the round table between us.

“I've always dreamt of you.” I clutch the table. “I always have. Ever since I was a child. You in your One for the Road jacket. I always wanted to meet you and I did. That's why I talked to you. That's why I became friends with Jamie. That's not why I slept with him. That's why I made you my friend. I wanted to know why you stalked my dreams. I wanted to know you.”

Alex looks at me like a madman. He looks around, as if there could be another clone of him. Instead he stares at me, deeply deeply confused. I don't know what else to say, so I just excuse myself, from what I understand like his hookup made him leave. I just want to go back to the sleeping Jamie and feel some regret, as if it were my hookup and I had decided to come back to my loving boyfriend which would make me come every damn time and never feel used again.

I take too long to find the keys and Jamie opens the door, glancing jealously at Alex's unlocked door but doesn't say anything, just lets me in to my apartment. I briefly think how thankful I am to have found an apartment in Stockholm with the ongoing crisis. It's weird to see the world fall and somehow find a safe haven. I just glance at Jamie, who decides to go barefoot to Alex's, most likely to ask him if I were over, which ends up with Alex going to close the door and the two previous lovers meet.

“I had the worst hookup ever.” I think I would be complaining as well, but not as straightforwardly. Jamie just looks rather confused, glancing back at me and shrugging, as if telling Alex to go on and we all stand outside Alex's apartment as he tells the tale once more, of the guy not touching him and how now he is just driving himself up the wall with frustration that he even decided to have a hookup which ended so badly, with a guy he mocked as awkward in his head before they got to the bedroom. I feel so innocent, compared to both of them and how shyly Jamie slips that he regrets sleeping with Jack, which causes Alex to state that at least it wasn't a bad hookup and Jack had made him come, to which Jamie just agreed.

“But we all have our sex regrets. It's like sex tapes, they're all nearly filled with regret.” I felt a bit uncomfortable, wondering if I were a regret, but at that moment Jamie put his arm around my shoulder and rubbed it. I wondered what else did he mean and would I eventually end up wrapped up in that pile, I wondered. I couldn't help but think, is a regretful hookup worse than a bad relationship? At least the person didn't deceive you, so the question was what was the worse by the end of the day? But I didn't ask that aloud, instead I heard Alex slap his face and say how during any sort of one time flings he would compare the boys to different things, one had a fox face and this one had a stingray dick, the tip was far too big compared to the rest. Jamie couldn't help but laugh and say that he would never even utter that aloud, I said that I would.

“What if I should leak the nudes I sent, because self-leaking is better, right?” Jamie slapped his face, as Alex asked it, causing me to be a bit lost between the two men. At the same time I felt sad that Alex spoke about his hookup instead of asking what were the dreams between me and him, but I could see that he kept looking at me, holding his soft brown gaze every time he'd decide to glance any way near my way.

“No, Alex, no one is going to leak anything. Specifically stingray dick.” And Jamie burst into laughter, causing Alex to go red, watching Jamie cover his eyes and keep laughing a bit too long, as if he was hiding something. Maybe he was far too curious why did I go to Alex's after us bonding so well.

I couldn't help but wonder or rather if I knew a couple, I would always picture them fucking, just to know how it was, how it looked like and for some reason it would give me some sort of insight, so I glanced at both my lover and his previous lover, picturing them groaning against each other. It was even something close to a sexual fantasy of mine, but far too sinful to fully branch out in mind.

I look at both of them and the problem is that I've still got bad days, days when I wonder what if I am doing the wrong thing. I feel as if I'll never be a man by looking at them. These thoughts specifically followed me as I would think deeply about coming out to my parents and I would lay in bed, tucked in and asking myself why would I just give up everything and the desires seemed short-sighted.

Sometimes I feel like what if it is not my story to tell when it happens between two men because I get so insecure about who I am, whenever I paint, I just understand that the discrimination I face is different, but is it really when I had my parents yell that if I were to have children I shouldn't because gay men should never have children since there is no mother?

And what is the role of a mother?

Why is it so crucial?

It reminds me of silence, a blank canvas and a ticking clock. It just happens.

Same goes for the father and never will I deny my love for them or the memories I've shared, but the questions drag on as the relationship is odd just with the fact that I am living my life as who I am rather than someone who they would prefer.

I think again of gay men and I happen to be one. Is it because of the discrimination? Is that all it takes for me to be a man?

Is hatred the thing which defines us?

I knew that if I were to ask Jamie that question he would just soothe me, depending on where we were, taking my hand and rubbing his thumb against the back of my palm. It's odd to see how quick he picked up on my dysphoria and how he would pay attention to see what to say, even if he was lost at it in the beginning and it never occurred to me that it could turn out to be so small as if it were an insecurity, even if it feels as big as the world to me.

I don't know where the desire to experience someone else or something else comes from, it becomes something which consumes you and it's always a matter of time before I'll give in. I keep thinking of Alex and his jacket and how he's no longer wearing it because winter is upon us and he's got this cute coat with anchor buttons which I don't know where he got from and everyone seems so nicely coated and I tell myself that I'm thankful that puffy jackets are gone until I go out on the street and I regret so many people's fashion choices.

I happen to deal with so much regret on Jamie's behalf, feeling that sooner or later I'll taste Alex.

But then he's the one on the cards.

What happens to Jamie? Is he the lost card?

Eventually Jamie and Alex come to a conclusion that the guilt will soon vanish, so Alex waves it off, even if he doesn't feel any better.

Sometimes I wonder if I could go back and retell all my story, at least to myself, to hear myself speak it and see myself with longer hair, trying on makeup, enjoying dolls and ask myself was I really happy or was it because I hadn't known better? I ended up spending my teenage years watching superhero movies because I had missed on them, watching them and confusing my parents. Pulling my hair into ponytails until I had the courage to cut it, feeling too annoyed at the feeling of hair against my neck.

I rub my eyes, way too sad to wake Jamie up even if he suffers from insomnia as well, so when I turn around I see him staring at me, even if he's clearly trying to sleep. So we talk a bit and both agree that tea would be beneficial for both of us. I make passionflower tea for both, as Jamie seems to be in a listening mode. I wonder if Alex would ever fit as well, but I keep such thoughts to myself.

I should be the one wary of the guilt.

I'm in love with another man and it doesn't seem like a love triangle which will ever resolve properly in two men in love with me.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll just fall into a nightmare which will take me away, as I hold the hot tea in my hands, never leaving my gaze off Jamie's dark green eyes. It makes me think of how common green eyes should be there, making mine look so plain and I guess his look plain where he comes from.

I always feel like crying but the testosterone had made it impossible for me to cry and I think of that every time I inject it, hearing my mom's words of disapproval and wondering how much happier would I had been as a straight woman. But I wouldn't. I'd be lost and the sex scared me always.

Jamie keeps looking at me and I don't know where has my love gone, how come it was wrapped up and now the wrapper is empty.

The problem is that humans are never satisfied, that's why we go on and every day can never pause, that's why we get so many problems to resolve and so many misfortunes.

We never confessed, we played with affection and attraction.

If I never try, I will never know.

I've talked to myself.

I take the cup of tea and invite Jamie to the balcony as he smokes.

Maybe he's the one I love.

Maybe.

I kiss him and I feel too much, but as soon as it ends Alex crawls on the borders. I'm like youth, I feel like a teenager again eager and scared of marriage because it should be so far away.

“I'm sorry I'm too estranged by my own thoughts.” I tell Jamie, watching and as if searching for a sunrise but the world is too dark and we are engulfed in black. I don't know what else to tell him as I feel like I've kissed the cigarette as well, as Jamie just drops the ashes off the rails, leaning against the rails. I know that he's got his own thoughts, his own doubts and his own love for Alex which was terminated so abruptly and I wonder if I will be the one to commit the same thing and I can only imagine being on top of Alex, him with his eyes closed, mouth open and I want him.

I even start thinking of Nick, wondering how he looks and recalling when I just moved in how I would look at photos of him. I wondered about everyone else, how would they react knowing that who they had kissed is actually a trans man?

After Nick I had felt that I would never even have a gay man look at me, but I guess it varies from country to country. I would miss him so much that I would try to find him in strangers or I felt if I could go to the airport that I would find him there and we spoke briefly when I moved to Sweden but soon enough we stopped and it just made my heart ache. What if we had continued talking? Because I had known so many secrets from him. Maybe somehow he would realize that I was just as much of a man as anyone else was?

“Sorry.” And Jamie is watching me as he's about to finish smoking and I try to collect all my thoughts in order to properly speak to him, but I don't even know where to start. My mind just keeps shattering itself and it's as if I can't even trust myself, which is desperately true.

But what if it's just because I can't talk to anyone at all? Would I manage to speak to Alex about it? Would I manage to talk to myself about it?

I don't like to think of talking to myself because I always imagine myself sitting opposite and I don't like the look of myself.

I feel as if the only solution is to reintroduce myself and start talking about everything I've ever gone through. I keep looking at Jamie, as the only movement is his dragging his cigarette. What if it will be Jamie all along?

“What's bothering you, Miles?” He asks me finally and I don't really drop his gaze. I try to at least organize my thoughts and try to understand what can I even speak of, but nothing comes out of my mouth at first and I feel desperately tired.

What's wrong with being a woman?

Was asked by my mother and I could see her lips uttering those words.

“Memories.” And I wish I could somehow end with this, both of talking and everything, but nothing ever ends, life goes on with it's twists and turns. “I just... remembered how my mom went ballistic that I didn't want to be a woman anymore.”

I smirk.

“I've always been a man. I just didn't know how to tell it.” I shrug. “I was way too scared. I thought that I would be sent to a psychiatrist to be told that everything I think is wrong, that it's a phase just like mom is saying.”

I know he's listening and it's odd not to be talking to a wall anymore.

“It's not even just mom, it's as if everything has an issue with me... Besides you, Alex and Jack. Maybe some other people.” I shrug. “But it's as if everyone has an issue with trans people, it's so bad that no one flinches when there is a bad transphobic joke on television, no one bats an eyelash if it's directed at trans men.

I don't know.”

He just pulls me closer to him. I try to listen but instead feeling his thin shirt under my fingertips becomes far more soothing than words of how ignorant people are and how I shouldn't pay attention and by the end of the day fight for my rights, just like we all gay men do. It makes me feel together again.

-

I wrote the remaining 1.6 k of this chapter in one sitting, so please understand that I am awfully tired from it, since I really wanted to update today. I know the updates are quite unpredictable, I'd recommend following my tumblr since that's where I update it or just keep checking the blog really x) and if there's a story you're dying for an update just nudge me, no matter how long it has been since it's been updated. 

I will whine until the end of time, but I'm actually done whining about it, so I'll just keep going on in other parts of the backstory. 

The story is coming closer to it's final arc and frankly it's a rather big story which I am awfully proud of, so I'm quite happy about that so it was only a matter of time until Miles would tell Alex and they're in this lovely odd dance, so I'm good x) I'm happy about how it turned out. 

Miles speaking of sex tapes was a reference to the Kills' Blood Pressures being called Sex Tapes at first. 

I picked up Blue/Jacket today because I kept thinking about my own parents and their refusal to accept me, so I kept going over and over it in my head and decided that I should pour it out into the story and that's what I did. So I guess thanks to transphobia, it made me write xD No seriously, no one should ever deal with this bullshit ever. 

Shout out to Radiohead's new album which is frankly their worst album for sure, but it was a great listen and inspired this chapter. Quite bittersweet of me to say, but it's true. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you

<3

Jamie

Metronome

“Alright.”

“Alright.” It's as if we are both mimicking each other and I can't even recall which one of us decided to stretch out their hand and who even shook it. All I knew that I was staring down at it, as if this were some cruel joke and tears were building up in my eyes.

I somehow had happened to hold the tears until I had gotten back to the student accommodation and cried my entire heart out, knowing that we just didn't manage to fit together and that someday I would find someone else. I told myself that it would be as early as summer, but that didn't happen. All of summer was locked up and earning extra money, enough for me to buy a phone on a plan since the previous one had stopped receiving Wi-Fi. I didn't want to ask anyone and somehow selling baked goods was enough to get it all out of my mind. Well, for a while when there was a time when the customers would actually come in and then I would imagine what else had they gone through and what was the reason they had gone with a pastry today.

I had also went down to Sainsbury's and bought a bunch of baked goods which didn't taste too good, but went well with strawberries as I had no ice cream craving. The problem with break-ups is that just like puzzles they always end up different than the picture they present on the box, with far more detail and a lot of time to end up wasting. I didn't watch anything or even turn on the computer, turning off the phone because I knew that Nick would never ever call again and I didn't want anyone else. I figured that the whole world could wait. I knew that the year would start and that would be it. With every small milestone I would tell myself that I'd find someone else, anyone even for a while seemed like a solution.

I even thought of shaving my head, just so that I knew that the curls he held were long gone.

There would be no reason we would run into each other and even if we would he'd avoid me. But every night to fall asleep I have to think of Nick, just to fall asleep again otherwise it becomes a disaster of intertwining thoughts which ask me why hadn't I tried, why hadn't I told him that all couples go through this. That arguing is okay, maybe even one fight is okay.

I usually just turn around to face the wall and trace my fingers over all of the photos which now have my ex boyfriend missing, it's smiling faces with people I'm no longer friends with. I've had a small group of friends, but it was dissolved rather fast. It always happened like that, it wasn't even because I was gay, it just would never work out. I wouldn't want to hang out and smoke weed, so that had been it. I would try to relax instead or go running around the old city part.

I don't think I'll ever believe that a LGBT person never tried going to one of those LGBT meetups. I think we're all desperately lonely and going to one makes us think that somehow we are less alone. I even sat in front of the computer one day and paid their membership fee, just to get to the board meetings, thinking that at least that would distract me, since I had no faith in my classmates and gay people danced more, so maybe that would be an advantage.

The first day of class was nothing and the days just ended up dragging themselves just as slow and my mind would make me paint scenarios where Nick was younger than me or would show up as any of my teachers and somehow that would be it. But instead I was greeted with less pleasant faces and no Nick. Instead I got a call from my mom saying how I should really try and converse with more people instead of binging shows. I just stared in silence, somehow recalling her saying that she had liked Nick.

The board has meetings every three weeks, so it becomes more of a torture to chew the days until then, because when you've got nothing to look forward to, you really don't have anything to look forward to. The group itself has two guys who desperately snog each other or smoke outside and somehow I end up clinging rather close to them. We don't talk much, but when we do it's just usual chatter and I know that Louis is older than I am because he had mentioned once. But I'm guessing the same goes for Liam.

I get to find out that the head of the committee or whatever is a kid with dyed blonde hair, who looks younger than all of us three combined, but I don't mind as the board meeting finally rolls in somehow. It's the usual bunch of a fair amount of older gay men, who I always imagine have slept among themselves, Louis and Liam who paid the entrance fee just because I asked so and unlike me they actually have a living. The kid starts everything by talking and telling us that we should already prepare for Pride even if it's been like three months after the one I attended with Nick last year.

Eventually the door slides open and I just keep looking at the footwear, before I hear a voice higher than my own and much older, apologizing and excusing himself for being late.

He's decided to dye his hair pink. He looks awfully lost and his eyes are fixed on me, like a lost puppy. Nick starts playing with the zipper up and down, as he is excused inside and he sits behind me. I turn my head around just to see my old ex boyfriend take off his jacket and try to ignore my gaze by quickly saying hi to Louis who sits right next to him.

Through the whole meeting which only discusses Pride, since nothing else seems to be rolling around, I keep glancing behind him and eventually I see Nick mouth a brief hi, putting his lips together in a thin line and nodding for me to pay attention. I start shaking briefly, a bit too anxious from seeing my ex who I am clearly not over. I try to tell myself that I can't look back to stare at his pink hair but I turn one of my numerous times to mouth a 'hi' back at him.

Once the meeting is over, Nick just leaves, excusing himself just as fast, not staying for any of the piping hot coffee or Liam's idea of somehow getting all of Pride on water, which is highly unappealing to anyone else besides his boyfriend, who is just agreeing to agree. Everyone just stays for a while with really bland chatter, which makes me wonder far too much what were he thinking and I can only imagine him going back, maybe playing with his hair, surely calling any of his friends who I would end up meeting far too often, listening to them telling embarrassing stories about Nick, who went around by Grimmy to them and I would call him that but once we broke up my brain would just stutter on calling him anything which someone close to him would.

The thing is when there is nothing going on, nothing really does happen, besides some anxiety and depression and the only desire is to tell someone how bad you feel, but I'm not close enough to anyone at this point and both me and Nick promised to delete each other's numbers off. Because who would want a rotten relationship back?

I end up getting some food to heat up from the said Sainsbury's nearby, not even bothering by the Tesco on the way. I just go past the strippers in their flashy transparent heels, not even doing a second glance as they giggle around and stand like advertisements. Sometimes I wish I would have a reason to stay outside, or possibly any other location which would require me to walk even further, maybe I shouldn't have taken the bus at all and spent a whole hour getting back to the accommodation by foot.

But it gets worse. The lessons drag heavily and now it's in far a deeper blur, that I don't even understand what I am even learning or why had I decided on these odd subjects. I keep thinking of Nick and wondering how good he looks in his pink hair and I start thinking of all scenarios that I would meet him under, because he also paid the fee and surely sooner or later we would have to talk and it's only a question of when and how this would happen. I end up crying again, this time on the bed, a few days in, waiting for more days to pass. I wonder if I should put anything at all to the ceiling just to make it cozier and less lonely. I also avoided a party to attend, since it was on the day of a regular meeting, but I guess that's why Nick is avoiding those, avoiding more socializing, probably made it around to the pub. I guess a risk by going to the one of the few gay pubs in town with Liam and Louis, but they're far more chatty than usual and the topic creeps on past relationships.

“Harry?” Liam asks me as I try to think what to even say when it comes to my love life which had started in my late teens around 17 and all up to now. I don't even know what to tell to my newly acquired two friends. Well, since we're drinking beer I would assume that I could call them that.

“Yeah.” I pause and then I look back at them. I am positive that it's written all over my face that I've got a desperately troubled past with my lover and that I would rather not mention it. I take a small sip and nothing still comes out. I put a hand to my hair, tugging on one of the curls. “I had a very rough break up.

I really loved him. But it wasn't meant to be.”

I sip again.

They both glance at each other, rather confused and at this point I find it rather hard to differentiate them just like anyone else. Everything seems so blurry and I hope that I won't just space out again, instead I smile briefly, praying for any other continuation of a conversation only in an another direction. But instead they hold the pause for me to speak, but I am sure that I don't want to speak of it ever again or maybe I am just not ready at all yet. I don't think anyone ever differs from a break up to other people. It's all the same misery and dragging, a lost sense of not understanding where did the other person go.

I look around, as if wondering if there is anyone at all spying on us and I just glance back at them, still entertained in the surroundings but it all lasts no longer than a second and then I actually decide to speak.

“It just went sour. We would fight over nothing at all. His shirt. My part-time jobs. The fact that we would spend too much time with his friends. The fact that we would spend too much time together. It was... everything.” I take another gulp, mentioning the one fight we had where we fucking pulled each other's hair over something that I can't even recall at all. As it was possibly one of the first ever fights we had, it was something which caused all of this crimson to blossom and we kept fighting over everything small. Once we fought over the wrong flavor of cupcakes given to us by the cupcake store.

“But every couple-”

“Fights. I know.” I interrupt Louis really fast. I've heard it before and I've heard it from all of Nick's friends before they decided that it was over and there was no longer a point in keeping up talking to me. I mean, what was the point? I was the ex and now there was nothing else to discuss besides the fact that I would be walking dazed and asking how Nick was. “But we just had to many... And we gave up.”

I forgave him, he never did and that was it.

I start listening to their fights and I just wish that somehow Nick would show up at this pub, but besides the LGBT meeting he never shows up, because then we would surely cause a scene.

-

This was the first story which I guess in all of the blog's history I posted elsewhere first, yeah, you can find it on AO3 as well as something else:) but the blog is still the main platform and the home of all the stories, so please don't worry.

I'm super nervous about how the story is doing on AO3 and how it will be doing later as well. So yeah.

Gryles actually is the only pairing I read these days. I really enjoy it and it's one of the best written ones I've come across. So I decided to try my luck and dip into a fandom which until recent I've only been a reader of and a very timid reader as well. 

I was stuck for a long while not knowing which plot should I use and then I kind of started reading some story and read like a paragraph where Nick broke up with Harry and that kind of stirred something in me by doing a story where they've broken up and that caught my imagination. Then I started thinking about university and college. Since the most recent memories I have of the UK is college I decided to stick Harry in college and go from there. 

Reconciliation is a very big theme in my stories, I guess, because I've been there a lot both on reconciliation which doesn't work and which does. So I quite like exploring that and I've also been trying to work more on my imagination, memories rather than hunting down experience (yes, I've learned my lesson hopefully). 

Another basis for the story was the numbness which I barely even recall was when I broke up with my first boyfriend until I got my second one, which was so bad that I don't even recall anything besides how excited I got when my friend at the time invited me to hang out with what then became my second boyfriend. Both were assholes, everything is a regret xD 

I'm quite a big fan of going to the LGBT scene to be honest and I've recently gone back to it, before I was quite into being just with Callie and now I'm quite open to friends and whatnot. And I've never actually had a story where I talk about LGBT groups and the LGBT scene and whatnot, so I wanted to put that significant part of my life here. 

In the UK the memebership wasn't paid, but it is here and that was a reason why Nick wouldn't bail out. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so

Thank you for all your support

<3

Jamie

Siberia

You can run out of love, just like you can run out of kisses. They can stop holding meaning or start holding far too much. But just like gum loses flavor so does love. That's why I'm always thinking of something else when she kisses me. It's always about the griping anxiety and now desire to get out of the train.

But it's also mechanic and loses flavor, pleasure becoming strict and wooden.

It's heavily exciting until the condom gets taken off and I'm left on my back on the bed, looking at the said room with the noise of the shower becoming the only noise. It doesn't even reflect anything in my head, only to be panic in a memory minutes later.

He comes back and tells me he's done for the day.

“You didn't make me cum.” I say, terribly turned on and sitting with a ridiculous hard on on the bed. The pause in the air only hints for me to leave. Not even giving me allowance of a few minutes to please myself and leave.

It lasted less than smoking a cigarette and he came twice.

I walk out with him guiding me through the maze of the bought apartments, with him in front.

Laughter still has to settle and I have the smell of condoms and the taste of an upper lip in my mouth.

And she kisses me again, she's grinning and laughing, not aware of the disaster I had done earlier.

Back when the concert is done, she just sits opposite to me and I can't help but stare at her mouth. Because it's all over. I've been with her without touching her at all.

-

The story was called Siberia just not to be called Siberian Nights frankly xD

I half-dreamt the story, the idea came to me somewhere in the middle of the night when I was half awake when I thought of two story lines like these to compare. 

I kept thinking through the days how much I miss the old tension between The Kills and there was some quote said by Jamie that "when you know that you'll never become lovers" something like that, that it was what happened between them two and well, I'm one of those who point and yell liars, but I wanted to expand on that thought, what if they never were together and what kind of place would they be now and how the love and tension just wore itself out.

I whine, I whine a lot. That's where the bad hookup comes from, because it's just something I deeply regret and made me think whether I even want an open relationship anymore, which is silly because the only bad thing was that it was short and the guy didn't make me cum, which is very personal to talk about, but y'know it happened. I whine, I write about such things. I promised to be open and it really made me think of what extent do I even want to hunt for stories because I realized that it's a lot of what I do. I really do hunt for bad relationships and I should really stop that and enjoy a good one. 

I hope you enjoyed this really odd short piece and thank you for all your support

<3

Jamie  

Blue/Jacket 12

My mind keeps ticking.

I want him desperately, even my thoughts are a big ice cream scoop of everything.

Now it was real, it wasn't blowing straw wrappers at each other while dirty talking with what we would do with each other anymore. It was something else, it was the real thing, no matter how bad it sounded, it seemed to be grasping us and pulling by the hair.

I couldn't help but even feel jealous of myself that I was getting laid somehow. Somehow he was into me and I kissed him, feeling his fingers tease me even more, even if it was clumsy and it was a bit all over the place. I felt myself heating up from the quick break we took from kissing and seeing him look so lustfully at me made me feel elevated and somehow a bit adored, as well as heavily dazed.

I recall all the disasters I've heard of where is your dick and how one isn't a man just because the junk isn't the one one desires. And somehow those things aren't on Jamie's lips. Somehow it so happens that it goes beyond attraction, that there is no foolish fear of being less gay. I still feel scared, but he's touching me and I don't even know where to hide, and how come this is happening, that I break everything by kissing him and holding it, before passion takes me for a whirl and I open my mouth, feeling his tongue against mine. I grind heavily against him, being more afraid of touching him back, feeling my whole body naked and vulnerable and somehow receiving pleasure rather than some sort of black despair. I kiss Jamie's neck, pushing him lower against the bed, kissing him downwards, as he closes his eyes and his hand is on the back of my head, guiding me lower.

I feel far too innocent than I wish I would've been. I wish I had some experience, but my body and my mouth travel far faster than I wish they would. I pull his underwear down, exposing him entirely in front of me. I'm far too desperate to tease him, so I just take him in my mouth, gripping his hips, taking in as much as an amateur can, Jamie pushing me to take more, so I gag lightly, getting turned on as I start booming him, in and out, always making sure to check him as he keeps his eyes closed and breathing heavily. I have no idea how can I even deliver pleasure when my only window into sex was porn and frankly my own hand and a handful of curiosity. And even then I had gotten close only with old boyfriends before I had known I was trans, and a few girls which I experimented with, thinking that perhaps the deviant side of me was somehow queer.

I try to keep my mind calm, even if it keeps racing and I get even more turned on, touching myself now as I give Jamie a blow job.

I fear so much

I take him out of my mouth, as Jamie now pins me down, kissing me again and I'm sure he can taste himself. The thought turns me on as he continues to stroke me again, clumsily as I grind against him.

Jamie sits up and asks me if I'm alright, which takes me a bit by surprise as I just sit up as well, kiss him and lay back down. He traces his hands down my body, takes the condom and breaks it open. I get a bit anxious from thinking, but I close my eyes, feeling Jamie's hand on my chest as he positions himself and he slides in a bit too fast, causing me to open my eyes fast and gasp. It's an odd feeling at first, as he doesn't even try to move, stroking my cheek, then he starts moving. I grasp onto him, my mind racing and my body now hitting waves of pleasure I had only toyed with and it's coming from a man who I crush on. I try not to think much of Alex, but he crosses my mind, how I had thought that somehow I would be having sex with him instead, but life goes in its bizarre ways.

Maybe it wasn't fated after all-

Jamie goes deeper now.

I moan, pulling him onto me, as he grabs me by my chin and kisses me again, his tongue rubbing heavily against my own, easing me and somehow driving me far more crazy and turned on. I pull him closer, breathing into his ear to go even deeper and harder, as he does so, licking my neck.

He starts going in and out, teasing me by doing it slower, but it only brings me closer to an orgasm. We both start moaning into each other's mouths, my hand now barely doing anything to myself, as I push myself further, Jamie now biting my neck-

I feel closer and closer, breathing heavily

I hear Jamie let out a very loud moan and I gasp, unravelling completely and moaning heavier as he keeps thrusting in me, as we both clutch onto the orgasm.

Eventually we both lose energy and Jamie stops, collapsing on top of me, as I kiss his forehead and proceed back to my heavy breathing.

It feel even more surreal as I stare at the ceiling, now on my back and Jamie on his side, canoodling me.

For the first time in years I dream of a woman, they come to me rarely in my dreams and when I was growing up there were a handful and they were sexual dreams, which looking back I just felt pressured into liking women or maybe sexuality is fluid to some extent. Who will know what actually was written there in the past? Who knows what motivates our dreams?

She looks at me and I see her, she's a nun with black hair. Besides her I see completely nothing, she gives me the shivers as she leans heavily close to me. She makes sure that there is no one left and then I see the man engulfed in flames again, his hair sparkling and roaring. She tries to put her hands to the flames and stops there, as if warming up, before the other man just stares at her, confused, as she then proceeds to take off the cross she is wearing around her frail neck. She looks a bit too skinny and underfed, but she doesn't look like your average nun with a bit of blush on her cheeks and dark lipstick, maybe her outfit is the only thing which gives it away and it could be a Halloween costume as well. Soon enough I can start seeing the outlines of things, I see that we're in the same room and the man engulfed by flames leans and eventually sits near Jamie, who seems to be barely breathing.

“He's a sight, isn't he?” He asks in a very familiar and deep voice, looking at me through his red eyes and pale skin. He doesn't dare to touch Jamie, but he makes sure that he keeps looking at me. The girl stands up and starts doing a cartwheel in the end of the bedroom, nearly knocking down the television to which she nearly apologizes for.

That's when Alex knocks in and appears in his famous jacket. He doesn't seem to notice me, but he heads in and sits at the end of the bed, as if waiting for something to happen. But that's the problem with Alex, as if he knows, he does nothing, as if he knows what is happening outside of everything, he does nothing. He lets the man and the woman exchange looks and the man throws some dice to roll and offers a game of yatzee.

“Miles, what game of yatzee?” And I hear a following laughter, as I open my eyes and I didn't even realize that I had fallen asleep and the same had apparently happened to Jamie, as we both wake up to snow going behind the window, greeting us as the new season tips it's hat to us. It's pitch black outside and makes me go under the covers as Jamie laughs at me. I just shush at him, as if closing my eyes again would help the snow go away.

He just strokes my hair and I wonder what else he is doing, so I open my eyes to see the white speckles of snow contrast against the dark days of winter tiptoeing on us. But sleep seems to take over me and drag me by the collar again, so I just allow myself to sleep, thinking of places which will slip away from me once I visit them because time had touched them.

When life gives you a calm routine, it's only one's head left to mess it all up, that's when the depression acts up, anxiety dawns on you and everything seems to be falling apart inside. I don't even realize how thankful I should be for the days where I wake up with Jamie by my side and somehow I dread showing up to his at Jack's, where he holds one room which has clothes scattered, a bunch of books opened and turned over on random pages with scribbles on them and some cut-outs on the walls. It wasn't the room I was scared of, but rather Jack who seemed to intimidate me somehow. He would seem calm, but once I saw him drop a plate he was carrying and he just continued to stare at the shards until Jamie had snapped him out of it and that had been it for me, that was the only odd thing, but his calmness which was a heavy contrast to Alex's mood seemed to be enough.

Alex wasn't bitter, he just seemed sad, drinking tea quietly and inviting us over even if we ourselves didn't declare anything, he still called us boyfriends and neither of us budged on the names we were given. Only after several nights Jamie asked me and I just said that things were taking their course, so perhaps we were boyfriends after all. I kept pondering on Jack, who was quiet, but in a different, calm way, as if observing everything which was happening through a lens, maybe he was at a game of chess and was just watching it, one of the weird people who do that eventually.

I wondered, as if I were sitting opposite Alex on a long table, how did he feel that now I was dating Jamie and he had been discarded? How did he feel indeed? And how would all of this continue unravelling, how come love triangles would always repeat themselves with one being left alone and none had a nice polyamorous ending which would suffice to all? I wondered if I could ever ask him that and how come with all the dreams I didn't end up with Alex and he would still come to my dreams and we would talk.

But depression becomes more than a filthy pillow to sleep on, it just keeps dragging on and on if you look upwards. I keep pondering and recalling how odd it is that the world still moves regardless if you do anything at all. That you can barely ever influence anything, you can't change anything other than your own small moves and on some days that is never comforting, but rather alarming.

Winter seems to be feeding us slowly by the spoon and summer feels no longer near as the weather just gets worse just by looking outside and seeing the snow.

Not thinking about Alex is hard. Alex was like a lost love I couldn't get over. It didn't matter, he would always come back swinging in thoughts and bumping into him was making it worse and seeing him trade his leather jacket for a coat, but he would wear it inside sometimes when the heating would be bad.

How can you know which wishes will come true and which won't?

How do you know when you have fallen in love and why you won't act on it?

I end up standing near Alex's door, winter fully talking over Stockholm with yesterday's storm and the suicide which made all the trains freeze and me and Jamie were left on a station, which I had never been before. I couldn't even recall the name and all of us had to wait outside, in the snow waiting for the buses to come and pick us up. It made me think about Alex, whilst I was warm in Jamie's arms. It made me think far too much. I found myself roaming with boredom because I had settled already. It was an odd feeling, but it was demented.

I remember that once we got on the bus, I had fallen asleep and through the whole dream I could feel Jamie's fingers going through my hair.

I think there are the two types of people in love: those who throw you under the bus and those who don't. Sometimes it so happens that you get the same type in a relationship, sometimes it's the opposite. Despite all the reassurance sometimes I still dream of myself as a woman, scared that no one else will see me as male. I was back to my closeted days with longer hair and I was in a relationship with Alex, he was still wearing the jacket only know it was more worn out. He told me that I should try stealing some office supplies from the store. And once I was going outside, he grabbed me by the backpack I was carrying apparently, telling me that men will throw the women under the bus, making me jerk and look back at him, confused.

The store owners came back only to accuse me of stealing. I said that I had money to pay for said supplies, thinking that 400 kroner would be enough. But they just laughed at me, saying that it wasn't enough. Ironically it was what I had in my wallet in real life as well. I have no idea why couldn't I pay with card either, so Alex just looked at me, before asking if they would take a cheque, ignoring that he had been laughing all this damn time. They took his cheque and that had been it.

I ended up jerking, causing Jamie to hold me and stroke me further, calming me down as I just looked at him bewildered. It wasn't great to be misgendered in a dream and I knew that day dreams meant nothing unlike night ones. But I just remained silent for the rest of the trip, wondering why the hell did we live in the last station. I stopped at the we and just looked up to see now Jamie dozing off from the long ride, as if the train would be any faster.

In the end I just shiver and decide to ring on Alex's door bell, because if you're not the one to confront your nightmares and dreams, there will be no one left. He ditched his leather jacket, so I'm surprised regardless to see him in a stripy shirt, which looks very naval and he just invites me inside.

I don't even know how to approach the subject or how to even tell him such and where do we go from there, but then maybe it's just me being eager to make things happen. Jamie had ditched his fear of Alex long ago and I was left with a boyfriend. It felt as if I wouldn't do anything, nothing would actually happen. I shouldn't be doing this over my boyfriend's back either. But I can't deny now, that I'm juggling both of them and I seem to be in a haze of confusion when it came to both men and it was flattering because I was transgender after all and that was hard to bite into, it was hard to understand that I would somehow manage to lure two men in. I always thought myself to be too simple with my music taste and my freelancing, because that was what was dug into my skull by my relatives. They judged me being a freelancer in the small times that I would call them but even then I wondered if I should reconcile, like that article by a trans woman saying that you should still send cards because they'll know that you sent them off.

Alex makes me lemon tea as usual and I sit down. I can see that he is surprised and relieved that Jamie is not by my side, that he is sleeping after a long night of me working and him just browsing the internet. I can't understand how this idle togetherness is getting under my skin already even if I know that the answer is because I can't understand the dreams and I don't want to leave it alone at all. I know that I want all the answers, and how come Alex and Jamie split is also echoing in my head, the curiosity is something I don't know how to deal with as well. I can't understand how either of them choose someone else when they had been together for a long while and then Alex had cheated, because it just feels to me that there was something else, but that could be because I can't justify Alex's actions in my mind.

I blow on my tea, not expecting it to cool down so fast. I don't know how to speak and I have a boyfriend, maybe I should've just left it and let some love flourish and I know that Jack had called us cute the one time we went over, as he watched us carefully. I could see everything through his curls and I wondered what was his big deal. But that could've also been a question I could ask Alex, and how I don't want to ask Jamie further makes me feel even shittier. But instead I just make myself comfortable and make sure that I am as opposite as I can be of my dreamer boy, who has been in my dreams longer than I have known myself.

Maybe I should've left him alone.

But my mind has a voice of its own and it seems direct from the heart.  

-

I think it was very mean of me to leave it in the middle of the sex scene but I really wanted it out and I was desperate and my mind shuts off once I reach the word count anyway xD more or less. 

Also as I was writing this chapter I felt like I was slowly making a turn towards the end, kind of going towards the climax, I get these feelings like is the story becoming too long? And then I start thinking of the ending, it's kind of how I roll and this story has been ongoing for a few years, so maybe it's time for it to start going towards that direction at least. Also Start Finding Passion had ended ages ago even if it was supposed to be short. I'm actually looking forward to having this story done and concluding all the questions which have been opened both in B/J (ahahahah, the abbreviation) and SFP. But you know me, it's still going to take a while to finish this one off.

I think I covered all the grounds when it comes to me, sex and this story in the previous back story. 

Also, shout out to The Kills' new songs which are amazing and have fuelled this story through and through specifically during this chapter. 

Throwing straw wrappers is a personal to me thing, my favourite love story of all is, I've surely mentioned it before, is a Radiohead fanfiction called Gagging Order. Unfortunately it's been taken down as I found out recently, so I can no longer link to it. For some reason the scene where Jonny blows a straw wrapper to Thom stuck to my mind and I even do that to Callie all the time, so I kind of did that as a small love scene. 

I'm also super pleased with how the love lines are going in the story. 

And I was thinking earlier today how happy I am with Miles and how much I can relate to him since we're both trans men and all. 

About Miles' and fate it's hard because I've kind of given up on my own, so it was trying to find the faith to continue the story because it's very different from my own even if I had based the feelings and the dreams on my own. That's why I had been leaning so heavily upon Jamie, matching the story and now it's really time to resume despite what's going on with me, so yeah. I'll be watching mine unfold someday, I just don't think now is the time and I guessed wrong with the said person, I think, but then who knows. I can never tell and nothing is really concrete. So I had to find the power in me to continue despite my own sadder version and whatnot. 

I think the hardest thing to describe is an orgasm, at least to me, because you need to drive the characters to such a point where they can only unravel and that's still quite hard, like in sex really. 

I still dream of women sometimes, just like Miles, so I included that and well, I was actually thinking to leave the character of the woman out (is it obvious who I chose for the role?) but as I was writing I decided, you know what the idea of putting her there would be amazing and her role. 

Also besides the orgasms, what's hard to describe is the dreams which Miles has and I had turned off the lights to describe the first dream sequence here and listened to old Dead Weather stuff, because God knows the new stuff isn't so good, well, if you ask me. I actually listen to Old Mary a lot when it comes to the dark underplots of Blue/Jacket and this chapter nearly all of it was written under Echo Home and Siberian Nights. Siberian Nights heavily on repeat though. 

I for some reason give the same region of Stockholm to my stories set in Stockholm and in that apartment which we shared and I base so many things from I had played yatzee for the first time. 

Also it's summer and I've been writing this story like under 26 degrees so it's been rather odd describing a suffocatingly cold winter. 

We actually got stranded once along with the whole train because someone had committed suicide and I decided that well, it had to be included. I couldn't recall which station was it that we were dropped off at and decided to leave it as such. 

The second dream was something I had dreamt only it was much longer and I just wrote some notes, as I had woken up to write it down for a story idea. That's what I do super often. I didn't know where to use it until I opened Blue/Jacket and decided to give it a whirl here. 

I struggled whether I should use Jamie or Alex in the dream sequence. But it's a day dream so it doesn't mean... much >:)

As I was talking about the ending and all, that's why I made Miles walk up to Alex and decide to finally tell him, which will be in the next chapter, of course. 

Also great pat on the back for me because I managed to update in 3 days x)

I hope you enjoyed it just as greatly as I did. 

Thank you so much and if you liked it please tell me so

<3

Jamie

Relationship Values 8

Leaving Lana was painful. Moving away from her and packing my stuff while memories were flooding me were impossible. I could see her laughing in my mind, as she stood with tears in her eyes, completely baffled as I was leaving.

Jamie sits opposite me and I want to talk. I've never properly spoken to him about Lana. He had never known.

I bite my straw, something which had always irritated him, but he has no power to nag about it, now it's just me and he observes me as I continue doing so. I wonder if there is anything which irritates him these days about Jack now. I wonder how even he is, since I've never known him. I wonder how much more different he is from me and what such qualities had attracted him. I wonder who even is he besides being a lawyer and I imagine him tall and dark, maybe blonde, I don't know. All I know is that he's the one who pins my ex-husband down and gives him pleasure which I can't give anymore.

It's odd that both my partners are pinned down by someone else and I am left alone, just because I had wanted to be free by the end of the day. Maybe the freest are the ones who are pinned down by their regrets and their past? I didn't know how could life progress at all. I didn't know how I could forget my sister completely.

Sometimes I wouldn't even miss Lana, I would just miss the void she had left. I didn't regret leaving her, I just regretted being with someone else. But I would miss everything about her. I never liked the whole if you love them, let them go. Because that is just selfish and I knew that I had left Lana out of pure selfishness.

Melancholy is somehow the poison which is my blood.

Is it a bad thing to reconcile with the dead?

It would be something Lana would ask me, confused and if we were in touch properly, if there was no sarcasm wrapped around in her silk replies. We both felt the guilt of our mother passing away because none of us were checking on her even if the autopsy just showed that age had decided to take her away. The problem is that people don't think they deserve to talk about emotional abuse especially the heavy baggage it drains with it. Mom was never soft with us, making us both just rely on each other heavier, because not one soft word would be uttered from her mouth. And by the end of the day she was just a fading character, because it were so hard. I had yelled at her, telling her that she was the result of everything which had gone wrong with me up to my separation with Jamie. That it was her which would tell me how important it was to be alone and once the feeling would vanish, then you should just continue running at least to have an illusion of being free.

That I also never believed that Jamie would ever love me, just because she had told me so.

But she had passed before I had made even more connections, because just like falling stars glued to the ceiling I couldn't see everything she had told me.

She was also the reason that me and Lana were in such a bizarre relationship as sisters, because there was no one else we could trust. Because we feared her and we held onto the only love we saw.

When it came to mother it was tiring, because it always felt that I would never achieve anything that she would do, it felt like a waltz where we were both uneven and even now I have to fight Lana for her house. Now I had switched dance partners and I was left with my sister, who was the only woman I had been with.

Lana made me question my sexuality, what else was left of it and I would get offended at Jamie who would tell me that I was attracted to men, erasing my past with a woman, even if I knew that I wouldn't go into the same river twice. I would get annoyed at anyone who would claim something like that if they had known. And the more I would think about it, the more I would think of men. Jamie had barely known anything about Lana and that had been it. He would make my mind swirl and my whole back bend into two backwards, because I would've known all the love I had felt for him and now I was letting him go even if we had some tension. And that's the problem, you break up with people you love, people you like and never let go of them in the mind, and that's all. The never-ending love ends between the two people and hides within one or both.

I didn't even know why was I even driving and what else had been motivating me and I knew that my memories were much brighter than anything else. I knew that I could stop and cry, but I couldn't. instead I would keep on driving nearly resorting to circles.

I know that today I will love and tomorrow I will forget.

I even make a sharp turn, hair in my face from the open window and wonder how come I don't crash into anyone. I decide that I should be going back, where I came from and face Jamie again, knowing that I am making sure that the process is as far away as possible, just because I don't want it and I know that Lana doesn't need the house in the way I do, she's just trying to get under my skin. I seemed to have some faith in Jamie, even if I've just seen him do his work at home and going to bed later than he would. That was it when it came to him working around me.

I drove back, only to find him gone and I wondered if he had gone shopping or something, I ended up raiding the entire house for a note, as if he would have left one.

Walking alone around the house, even if I had done that last night after Jamie had gone back to sleep, made me feel lonely and crave to go somewhere elsewhere.

I felt like crying.

I just sat under the kitchen counter, missing him far too much and slowly starting to regret pushing Lana so far away from me, that I should've never left her, maybe I should've never married Jamie either. My mind was goo and I kept trying to stick my fingers in further so that I could feel everything since I couldn't see anymore.

I felt like I hadn't known myself.

That I didn't make sense raiding for lesbian literature in stores when it was me and Lana, discovering a forbidden world even if I had touched it. And at the same time I had married Jamie, both of us wearing suits which made many question but everyone came anyway and my mom uttered what a disaster had my choice been and that it seemed as if we were two gay men getting married.

I seemed to be so different.

I had believed in so many things.

And then I had thrown them all away.

I actually started crying under said counter, that Jamie had shown up with food, because we were both mediocre cooks, never understanding how to actually peel an onion properly. Were they even peeled or just sliced? My memory was falling completely away from me.

I had loved two people so dearly and it was me, pushing them away. There was barely any why behind it. Just the fact that I had met Jamie, who was then a photographer and he had started flirting with me so intensely, mesmerized by me. He was also older by ten years and I had only felt flattered, being so young that an older man had looked at me even sideways once. I didn't feel guilt back then, I just wanted to keep seeing him again and again and he kept taking photos of me again and again.

I don't even think that Jamie had brought a camera with him on this brief trip. I could see him leave them all somewhere locked, as if they were a reminder maybe of our failed marriage?

He had asked me so many times why had I left and I could never answer anything beyond that I wanted to be alone. Because it was Lana then it was him for so many years after the brief years affair with Lana, over ten years was something too big which I had thrown away so desperately. I never found the perfect solitude I had wished for, instead I had found myself recalling all my relationships every single day and never feeling complete, wondering what else could I have done. How could I have loved. But the idea of being with them forever was driving me insane, I couldn't imagine being with one person forever, the thought scared me even if I had stayed with Jamie for so long and I had stayed faithful. I was unique for a cheating person. I had no desire for Lana after that. The only tragedy that I had found was the confusion of my own gender.

I had started hearing the door, Jamie knowing that I had never locked it because the house was so distant from anything and I just believed in the good will of people and besides my paintings there was never much to steal besides an old iPhone and some technology I had struggled with. I tried to rub off my tears but even more came, as desperation was straddling me, telling to let Jamie see me. He put the grocery bag down and leaned down to me, quickly raiding his pockets for anything, before grabbing some kitchen towels and giving them to me.

He spoke of my mother and how sorry he had been.

I just looked at him and pulled him to myself, as he immediately hugged me back, as if nothing was wrong and I was crying as usual.

-

I know, it's been over a month and I frankly vanished off the surface. I've been really busy with everything and due to that I took a break and because I didn't know how long it would take me, I didn't do a post or anything and I want to say that I'm back but I dislike doing promises, coz I say that I'll straighten out the schedule, but I don't, so I'll just say that I'll try my very best. 

I wrote this a few days ago and it took me a while, to rest a bit because I hadn't written in so long and I started jumping from story to story again, so I've been writing many stories at the same time, which was an old method I used, so it was great to just write three sentences of one story, then a paragraph of another and finish a third and so on. 

 I like that this is a sort of spin-off, consolation story that I started because I missed Poison the Rose so much. It explores the same three characters in a new light and I just love it. 

It's been hard to write as well because all my previous files are still scattered on a hd and yeah. So I've been opening empty documents just because I felt like it and wrote on a blank page again. It's still hard to get used to a new keyboard and jumping from pages to open office has been a massive jump as well. Not to mention I've got a Swedish keyboard so I can be edgy and use all said letters, but I won't because I don't get a kick out of writing them in English words x)

Now since I have no crush, I have no one new to rub things from, I have no tension, so it's quite hard. I feel like how The Kills describe when they go to record (the previous albums, before Ash and Ice) and then they use their imagination, that's exactly what's happening to me now. It's just me thinking deep and telling stories, rather than basing it off things besides a few things here and there. 

I decided to do my second binge and finish this story because I ended up reconciling and that was unusual, odd and I wanted to write about it. RV is about family, so it only seemed fitting and the storyline with the mother is heavily inspired by my own, only I don't really fight with my mom, it was someone else, and yeah. So the theme which was inspired was reconciliation and everything else is me just telling the story. 

Actually, this was more based off me that I would imagine. Even if I'm gay, I do have a history with women and there was that period where I thought I was a lesbian, way before I thought of my gender properly. It was odd to leave it and I don't go back to it, but I did think about it briefly and used it in the story. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so and make my day, it's been rough

Thank you

<3

Jamie

What's Wrong? 7

Sometimes life is too confusing and I ended up spending too much this month, with the prices rising which was something I stopped counting and there had been far too many issues with withdrawals which was draining me. Money wasn't something I thought of a lot and I had to still get out to work specifically and the city itself was graying by itself, as if no external factors were withering it, but something within was causing it to age so heavily. It felt as if spring wasn't coming at all.

I didn't even pay attention to the girl and she had to repeat her greeting to me twice as we sat on the lower floor of the bus. I had too much on my mind, specifically that I had to make it to the next pay day somehow and I would end up ignoring Daniel who spent the whole day stating that he would be far more comfortable if we were the ones building all the neat Lego stands, which were just sent to us. Instead of the pretty girl I kept thinking of Daniel trying to build a huge truck with the same red bricks which were now iconic. And then thinking of my coworker caused me to look up at her with her cat eyes.

“I'm really sorry.” And I freeze, because it's the most we have both spoken to each other. And I am starting a conversation, not allowing my mouth to shut up and I keep talking, just because I can see her eyes telling me to go on. “I'm just having an awful time and I'm spacing out all most of the day.”

As if it isn't the whole day.

And then I'll be able to hear her voice properly. She's surely from the south, she sounds like nothing up here in Scotland.

“That's alright, no need to apologize.” And she smiles at me briefly. “I know I'm a stranger, but anything I can help you with?”

Stranger sounds like such an awkward word with the fact that we ride the same bus every day, even if it's not such a long ride. We don't spend time looking at each other, but I do try to watch her with the corner of my vision, just allowing her to be engraved in my memory. She's wearing a little black dress today and I wonder if there is something at her work, because usually she is in denim or some skirt. I just shake my head and I know that I told Daniel that I would try and actually communicate with the crush I have, but it still seems impossible and I understand that a no is usually an end of a conversation.

“I just don't know how you could help.” Her eyes are still heavily pleading. Inviting her out sounds like an option, but I can't mouth it and I actually wonder if that is even possible. She smiles at me, I see that both of us have been anticipating for any start of a conversation and I only recall a sleepy Daniel on the couch, rolling around from side to side and telling me that since she's saying hello to me every morning that she surely wants me. I have no courage. Neither do I have the sleaziness to ask her out with some shady pick up line like a date would help. I don't even know if she wants me as a friend or a girlfriend. “It's too long to talk about.”

I lie and her stop is soon.

“Well, we could meet up after work.” She says carefully, watching me and I nod before I can even say anything. “Great!”

And she takes out her phone, asking me for my number so that she would be able to call me. I stare at her with wide eyes and she gives a short small laugh under her breath, watching me. I tell her my number.

“I'm Alexa.” She starts smiling and I just don't know if I should even shake hands with her.

“I'm Alison.” I smile back and it's her time to go. She excuses herself and she waves at me from the bus stop, all glowing and I try to look at her without my bias of hatred to myself and she is glowing indeed, I'd even say that the crush seems to be two sided. And I tell myself that what if she wore that dress because we would talk today.

-

I was terrified to post this and frankly life has been rather crappy, so I've been away. I had a weird gender day because I decided to wear a skirt and that fucked me up with dysphoria really badly and I decided to pick up this story in the mean time. I wrote this chapter in one go as well. I just browsed some pictures of both of them and that was plenty enough for me to get inspired.

I really enjoy this story and it's nearing it's close so of course I'll continue it until it ends.   

It's quite painful to describe Edinburgh in this story and I decided to stick with it, so yeah. I end up having problems all around but I quite keep them to myself, so I feel Alison here and that's where the inspiration came from and vague rants really. 

Thank you again to Callie for forcing me to publish this today and I'm terribly sorry for the long wait.

Thank you

<3