To Miles 25

I was falling for Hince, because he was the only one who seemed to tell me that there was a place for him, so I figured that it would be for me as well. I had started blaming Miles but it was getting far too messy, I was far too attracted and it was getting destructive. I’d even go to his during the day and I’d start making out with him and he’d undo my shirt. I was enjoying sex with him far too much, how he’d bite, how he tasted, how he had sucked me off and I didn’t care who was fucking who, it seemed to even out and I didn’t care how rough he’d be, it seemed actually sexual and it seemed to yank me into some reality I had not known. We just kept fucking. He’d even mock me afterwards that I won’t have the energy to fuck other men and I had just silenced him by sucking him off again as he’d pull my hair as I’d take as much as I could in. 

When it came to Miles, even while talking to Carlos I felt as if he was in a happier place as I kept getting thrown from side to side and that seemed to bother me, that he was happier and I couldn’t bring to make myself happier, I was even numb with Hince, whose presence I was beginning to enjoy with his collection of Dostoevsky he had bought last time on shore. 

I was slowly descending into misery. 

"You remind me of Miles." Hince says smoking a cigarette, holding the smoke far too long and I feel as if he’s dragging his nails against my chin. I shiver, feeling myself freeze at the mention of Miles’ name. His nails are opening up rivers to match my wounded state, not critical yet a pathway to the blood stream is opened.

“What the fuck?” I give a dark laugh, the one where the cheating lover died. 

“We’re different entirely.” I pause, my voice shaking, he knows he’s hit a string and cut it in two with scissors and I didn’t have time to scream before death, just open my mouth and let myself die in this motion. “Opposites, he would never send people off.”

Hince grins.

"You’re both naive, believing that neither of you would do it. Miles was the previous. Too many things slipped, kept fucking some guy instead of actually doing the job. He’s not the hero you think." Hince bites on his cigarette, looking ahead to the door.

I feel my jaw freeze, now all the blood going down my cheek frozen, all my skin in goosebumps as I imagine Miles and how he would go on his knees, enjoying himself or maybe he had been rough, his face seems to be molded with Hince’s in my head, which is ironic because I am no longer better than he is even in my head, the veil of justice of descending people to jail no longer being just held by myself, the fabric had been held by Kane as well. 

"Sent that guy he was fucking… Jay or something off. Wasn’t doing anything besides fucking him and it was getting too wide spread of them both. Don’t need such a fucker, sure screw around but fucking dating, fuck no and he barely handed any men over. Sent the other fucker off and warned Miles if I catch him fucking someone I swear to fuck he’ll get the fuck off." He stops and still looks into the distance. I feel like I’ve been dunked into ice cold water, but dead so that I just see that it’s supposed to be cold, but it’s nowhere close to being cold, it’s lukewarm and I’m no longer viable above water, so the ice becomes a screen to look at and close my eyes on. I lied. He lied. 

"Didn’t catch him with Casablancas so yeah, playing fair and you don’t seem to be fucking him either." He says coldly and I flinch. "Fucking decided to be celibate or something?"

I recall Miles.

I don’t dare to tell anything to Hince. I don’t dare to say thing aloud. I don’t dare to say how he is oddly still attracted to Miles. I don’t dare to tell him anything, not even on his death bed. And they say you can see when people can die. And it’s ironic that I had read that in Lermantov’s Hero of our Time, which Hince cannot stand. I don’t think that on his death bed, I imagine him lying in the coffin, the fortune-telling wife sitting and I imagine her silhouette all dressed in black and even holding the deck of cards, but because I don’t know what card means what I just don’t see anything, but if I’d remember the card which the dame of Spades tricked the man into, I think she’d have something else. I see her and I wonder if she is death with her deck of tattered cards she had gained years ago and I wonder if I could be able to shuffle them and reveal the fortune I would not be able to comprehend to explain. 

I watch him and I wonder, before I leave if I also look like death and who else will have that face tonight. If tonight would be the death of any of us. 

Just like poison he’s still within me, cursing my thoughts. I think both are poison, the more the day ages the more I feel that Miles is not just killing himself, but in this slow suicide he is bringing me down, as his lover. And the image of him being more ideal doesn’t seem to shatter anytime soon, he is still in my thoughts, he is the one licking the ice blood away, dipping his fingers in, into something deeper than my skin so that I can’t feel him anymore besides the faint taste of his lips which I long so much that I seem to recall the memories so often that they seemed to have been erased and the longing seems to break my spine in two. 

Days pass with Hince taking me by the collar and our endeavors keep continuing all the way closer to winter and Matt keeps writing, his letters inscribed within me, as I keep longing for him, half my body detesting Miles and wishing to see Matt and the other having the opposite and some old neglected thoughts think of Hince and I just think of Julian sometimes. 

I feel like wrecking havoc. Too many men go past me, grabbing me somewhere if I try hard enough I had even fucked one in a gay bar just by asking a few things and recalling his light eyes. My body departing and imagining far too many men who seem to be standing in a line in who would be in my thoughts today and sometimes when I have sex with Hince they all shuffle and for weeks it just becomes Miles, who I fear to avoid and I don’t raise anything, I don’t ask him about Jay, I don’t ask him about anything.

The only thing I do is that he stays away from Julian, as I seem to finally have the courage to wreck havoc indeed. 

And I do. 

The fear of time running fast seems to trigger me and everyone, the fear upon everyone’s lips and Miles’ distance is no longer the one which shreds my skin and lips as I can see my hair growing and I despite myself from being frozen in time. Things seem to be content with Matt at a certain distance and I can only believe in his love towards me. My hair gets longer that Hince pulls it and I insist to stay over at his, chugging the remains of the bottle away.

Like a numb arm from an uncomfortable position that is how my body seems to be folded with anger and desperation. My life seems to be meaningless as my purpose seems to be the reaper of so many men that I don’t care anymore, Hince destroying my entire soul, the pact with the devil done so long ago that I forget that I even had a soul anymore, as the devil keeps making love to me and that frightens me, that scares me as I make love to him back and I think I’d be lying to myself if I’d say that I don’t think of him, that he doesn’t haunt me in the shower that I don’t harshly kiss him as much as he does, that sometimes I wish I were Miles, instead of with Miles, that then I’d have all these men around me. 

I just feel far too skinny, far too tired from the melancholy eating what’s left of me. And Matt’s letter don’t seem to be enough until I reread them, picking up what could be shards of love and longing even if I know that he loves me.

It scares me up to the point that I wish I could burn these genuine letters as the venom of Hince triggers me more than ever. Matt’s love on the table makes me question Miles who avoids me and Hince who is just there. 

Miles seems to descend in my thoughts, the kiss as far away as the shore and I don’t have the guts to ask him anything as he just went on, tiptoeing around my life, making me shiver, trailing his nails on the back of my neck, just leaving trails for me to see rather than feel, as all my insides had bled out and dried up, the bones drenched in long blue sorrow. 

“Love is a wide term.” Hince lights a cigarette, blowing on the newly formed smoke string. “How many people do you love, Turner?”

I shiver as Hince grins and smirks and I look at his teeth as he drags the cigarette, both of us naked in different corners of the bed, the room dunked in a post-coital state which always seems to be whenever we are both in it and he seems to be driving me insane, the devil which brings some odd belief in God within me and I wonder where will this whirlwind take me as I just crawl over to Hince and put my head on his lap watching him from below as he smirks and slowly sticks his index finger in my mouth, getting it deeper and deeper as I smirk, licking it and sucking it lightly. He seems amused, but the question like death is still plastered in his thoughts with his smug grin. Hince lets it slide to reveal another ace pretty much most likely was stuck up his balls. 

"Your world crumbles when you fall in love with a man. Because then you know it won’t be you pulling the rug from under your feet, it’ll be society and God who had created you. There’s that Gogol quote ‘I had given birth to you and I will be the one to kill you.’" I don’t know what’s worse the quote itself or the fact that Hince was quoting Gogol and I couldn’t recall if the novel idea was also given to him by Pushkin or not. I still cringe and Hince grins using that quote.

“You know the novel, right?” 

“It’s shit. Fuck off.”

“Who did you side with?”

“The son who traded sides to be with the Polish woman and turned his back on Ukrainians and killed them for his beloved.”

“Unpopular opinion, Turner.”

“Of course you’d be the father.”

“Yeah, I’d fuck you, son, before killing you.” I raise an eyebrow at him as he grins, stroking my hair. “It’s quite homosexual, just men among men.”

“Like the navy.”

“Pretty much, we all fuck here, Turner. That’s why your always on the loop and always a lover.” He can’t stop amusing himself proudly. He sticks two fingers in my mouth and pretends to have a gun to shoot me. 

“Chekov’s gun?”

“Only I don’t know if the aim is right and if it’s the right person.” He pauses and leans closer to me. “But the gun is on stage, Turner, it will shoot, love.”

Pull the trigger, inject the poison, Hince, but there is so much poison that my blood stop identifying the blood and now the poison carries the oxygen as I pull him closer towards me, anxiety riding all of my loves around in a death carousel and I wonder as the fear of war comes with all cities collapsing and Hitler using far too many aces.

Hince had asked his wife to fortune-tell and he tells me she won’t tell if we all fall or if we don’t for her amusement as war is not a person, war is all of us and revealing such a card is something she shouldn’t do as too many deaths stain it. I had wanted to meet the death in her, to see how she’d do the cards and she seems to be in my thoughts. 

And when I meet Alison, she’s something like I had expected her only with children and the house nowhere close to her lace and black attire and the women who come to her, as I watched her fortune-tell, waving at me to let me stay and how all the plain cards would come out red, how men would come and go in women’s lives and only once a woman had showed up when I had asked her to fortune-tell for her. She had laughed and asked me to fortune-tell for me.

She put the cards out and kept silent for a while.

“Will I die?” Was the question which escaped my lips. 

“I would not tell something bad and you won’t. The death upon your arms is not yours, you’re the one holding it, Alex.” She gave a faint smile. We had all eaten and Alison had said that she was now pregnant and Hince had smiled, reserving his emotions as I saw with a few exchanges with Alison. 

The image of Miles never seems to fade as it seems to be growing stronger, specifically in the Hince’s household where I imagine Hince had taken Miles and had fucked him somewhere away from his wife and children. 

And I wonder how many parallels come in life, how come I’m the parallel and replacer for something so dear as Miles and the more I think the more I will stare at him onboard, wondering who had he kissed if he had kissed anyone at all. 

And I wondered if we are all continues to someone who would Matt be with his letters and thoughts and as I sat eating with the Hince’s I had recalled Matt’s last letter on how he muses of love and it feels like a fragment of his thoughts is the only thing my dear friend and hopefully lover may give me. 

There is a love which threatens you, he had written and I was sure that he had written this scared maybe even on the deck of the ship, letting the wind take over his fingers and mind not wrap around his secrets fully to let them loose as we are not nearby and Matt in general would let me his thoughts but apparently I had always been to blind to see that I was the person who I was in love with.

Alison had asked me who was my interest and without asking she had taken a diamond Jack putting him on one side and me of clubs on the other, tell me to chant some phrases and without questioning we weren’t the ones in the middle of the circle, which was the best outcome and then she asked me if I wanted to be told again.

I didn’t say anything and she just smiled softly to dismantle the telling. 

There is a love which threatens you, Matt had written, it’s not necessarily the person who you love who is holding the gun against your temple before a kiss, but most likely it’s you against yourself pointing at your reflection knowing that it will backfire.

I didn’t think Matt would be the one who would backfire, but yet we weren’t in the middle of the circle and as I headed out with Hince, I wondered, but then Matt surely was the diamond Jack Alison had paired me with and I just couldn’t help but wonder why hadn’t Miles shown up on any cards at all? 

I wanted to be Miles’ parallel even if Hince had already done it for us. 

Only when I was leaving I had noticed a photo near the corridor of Alison with her arms around both Hince and a younger man with a longer fringe and who was laughing, something unusual to see in black and white photos and I had wondered for a while why was Miles here and he seemed to be in his teenage years.

Alison had smiled when I had started staring at the photo.

"That’s my brother, Miles. Jamie influenced him to go to the navy."

And I’m a fool for loving.

And I’m a fool for letting someone who I do not know destroy me.

And I do wonder why does Hince fiddle with me so often that he comes back, our trip to his wife and children over as soon as it had started with both us leaving to the ship. We tried to have slow sex, but it’s never gracious, it’s also clumsy and sweaty, a bit too much pulling or not enough, swears under the breath and Hince had been far too tired. 

“I think when you fall in love, fear takes over you and all the years and days they don’t matter and the time only passes with how the person ages.” Hince says turned away from me, taking the last drags of a cigarette and placing it on the floor, already stubbed out as he hugs himself and I know that if it were us to be in the circle of fortune telling cards, I believe we would’ve changed places. 

“What the fuck happened between you and Miles?” I ask him, praying on his sleepy state but instead he turns around and I see his green eyes focusing on my own, he gives a dark twisted smile far too broken and I’m sure that if the light would be on, I wouldn’t even see a man.

“I could ask you the same thing, Turner.”

“I don’t think I’m the one fully dunked in love with a man who will never love me back.” I mutter.

“I think you are, Turner. You’re the one getting shattered and played with.” He smirks at his broken reflections in my eyes, grabbing me by the chin. Our shards will never put a mirror back together, instead we were carrying a mirror with a big crack but only when the damn thing shattered we see that we had been carrying nothing in the first place and we can no longer see our reflections besides the fact that we are the cards which show up on Miles’ cards which Alison would reveal slowly but because neither of us are fortune tellers we don’t know which cards are present, past or future or if all two are present tense. 

-

I think I have a lot of fortune telling explaining to do here xD I pretty much discovered my old book and cards so I had a go and even learned (I can't remember if I used that one before) a new one xD and I pretty much gave that thing to Alison which I quite enjoy, ok, off to explain the whole thing xD

I can't, I have this odd fucking love for Hince/Al here O_O I don't like them but oddly enough they are together in an odd way and Callie just told me that I'm just in the character (I mean I have been in this story and I don't think I distinguish myself from Al anymore jk jk XD) 

A lot of this was written on my phone in buses actually or as I was walking somewhere, specifically pretty much all conversations between Alex and Hince. 

This chapter has two plot twists the fact that Miles had Alex's job but because I had written it before it's now less shocking to me and the idea just sprung in my head like pretty much everything in To Miles does, as I'm writing on the phone, thinking. I was musing over what was the connection between Hince and Miles and it's not even over yet as it is much deeper. As I said To Miles has a lot of parallels and pretty much every character has a parallel with another, like now one is pretty obvious which is Alex and Miles and it's funny how Miles was seen as the hero and now he and Alex are very alike and Miles is even close to as anti-hero as Alex and in general I like the idea of how his heroness is now demolished and he is a close equal to Alex.

And as usual there are discussion between Alex and Hince on Russian literature. As much as I hate Russian literature Hero of Our Time shall forever be one of my favourite novels and frankly Pechorin is still one of my favourite all time characters ever created. If you ever have the time I will actually say, yeah, check it out, although I've heard that the translation is shit. I enjoy Lermantov in general, so yeah. And the last chapter is about how Pechorin hears that you can see if a man will die and he makes a bet with someone that the man will die, the man avoids something quite dangerous and by the end of the day dies by some foolish avoidable accident, making Pechorin win the bet. 

Also the other short story mentioned is actually the only ever work I've liked of Pushkin, which is called the Dame of Spades and I had read roughly around the same time. I've also seen the opera which is quite good and the story itself is short and rather entertaining. The story seems to fit this chapter with the whole analogy of Alex and Matt having their own cards. In the story it is said that a woman can always win this certain card game where you have to guess the cards and gambler decides to sneak up on her and scares her to death, but she comes to him in his sleep (I hope I'm not muddling up facts) and tells him the cards which will be on tomorrow's game. You have to guess three cards and he doesn't guess the third one which ends up being a dame of spades instead of a seven of clubs I think which the woman had told him. The man eventually goes insane. 

I believe I will address the fact that Alex is polyamorous later on in the story and I already have given him a lot of love interests xD 

Also the author I've been avoiding like the plague, the worst author which has ever existed on this Earth, fucking Gogol, I don't care if you like him, I had to study him and I hate him with my guts and I even had to see movies based on his work. I couldn't avoid that son of a bitch, he had to be used in here since apparently this is where all my knowledge of Russian literature is going to xD 

I hate that quote, I hate Taras Bulba with my guts, it's so fucking bad and the only thing I had enjoyed about it were these few paragraphs when the son flees with his Polish lover. That's it. They attack the Poles for the fuck of it and it's awful and I had to argue and like Alex choose the unpopular opinion and hear people say how right Taras was for killing his son. Ugh. I watched the movie and funnily enough the actor who played the man who fled was played by my favourite Russian actor (I had been fangirling for a while xD) and since we are touching Petrenko xD (I feel so Russianized wow xD) I had seen him live in a theatre performance in a WWII piece about Leningrad and his character heavily influenced Matt in this story and a bit of Jack. In general my favourite movies and theatre plays about WWII are pretty much about pilots in one way or another, so don't worry we've got pilots ahead in the story! (Wow, spoiler, spoiler xD)

Ok, back to Taras Bulba, it's pretty much about how Cossacks get bored and decide to attack the Poles and that's it. I kid you not. And then they lose men and son and they cry over it (you're the ones who got bored and decided to go fight -.-) and the famous quote is "I gave birth to you and I will kill you" (I'm too lazy to fully translate from semi-old Russian) and I've always hated it but in this religious context it was given in the story it kind of makes sense? xD And yeah, in general I like the religious themes in the story and how all of a sudden the relationship with Miles are poisonous as well for now, how everything seems to shift, because in life, everything changes all the time.

Just in case Chekov's gun is a term which means that there is a gun on stage it will shoot at some point in the play. Jack for instance, his character is in my opinion a massive Chekov's gun in the story. (Holy fuck why is this story so deep xD)

Like a good fortune teller, Alison does not tell when bad things will happen, you can predict death but you're never supposed to tell, so yeah, spoiler? 

About the cards. I've pretty much had fortune telling around me at all times coming from a fortune telling family with fortune telling dreams, I guess, it's just something even daily to me? So I'm not sure how much does fortune telling differ from place to place, all of this is not on tarot cards by the way, I was musing if I should, but I use pretty much a) regular deck b) specific deck (this odd thing I bought ages ago which always seem to predict stuff, it's odd, but then fortune telling is an odd thing :) ) so Alison pretty much uses the ones I use and she has a regular playing deck. About the diamond and jack of clubs every person (there's two ways by the way of getting assigned to which Dame or Jack you identify as) I pretty much used hair colour and eye for Alex and the other person. Also the middle of the circle means that fully mutual love and the cards had shown close to that, meaning something stopping them. I've had that come up on my own, it's interesting xD 

And boom, that's pretty much the heavy plot twist which I wanted to end the chapter on but I pretty much felt like continuing and I wrote a bit more. After a lot of musing on Hince and Miles, I finally have their full backstory in my head and I will keep silent on what it reminds me of, I'll just say I love Almodovar a lot and I had compared it to a less poisonous version of one of my favorite works done by him (no, it's not Todo Sobre Mi Madre for once xD) And I quite like the idea of Miles and Alison being siblings :D 

And I think I'll end with the fact that now there is a parallel between Hince and Al regarding Miles which is more than obvious :D

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and yeah, I pretty much put a lot of thought and backstory in this story and the idea of Alex being at Alison's and Hince's was something I wanted to do for this chapter and I was struggling how to do it and in the end, I was like fuck it and it happened and I enjoyed it :D and yeah, Alison is pretty much very cool here and there's a lot of her ahead and I wonder if anyone picked up on her, tell me if you figured out where is Alison mentioned before xD dun dun dun xD 

The last one, I tried this interesting long fortune telling a while ago and basically you get two present cards but unless you know which card's position means what tense, you're pretty much clueless and so is Alex and Hince in their case, as they don't know where are they in Miles' life. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did please tell me so :3 and I'll get inspired to write more :D and I guess if you have any questions regarding the story or anything please feel free to ask or if you have any assumptions on what will happen I'm interested to listen to them :D

Pop me a message anywhere really :3 (Holy fuck long behind the scenes xD)

Hope you enjoyed it and please request if you enjoyed it :3

<3

To Miles 26

Balloons

There’s the hesitation, there’s the flick of a cigarette among all the confetti already chucked and destroyed under the feet. And soon enough there will be Alex who will nag that of course we will be seen as a couple even if we had both decided that life is tough and after Alex breaking up again, I had decided or rather my own lips mumbled and I’m sure my facial expression was far from something which I could’ve hidden deep down and I stuttered, but daft Turner didn’t even pick up on anything, he just smiled and rolled his eyes to proceed nagging about the lack of a date, even if now he had a valentine. 

But then it’s not just, hey, Al, I really mean it, I’m your date tonight and shut the fuck up with the sulking and checking out the birds around. And he’s still not arriving and I just keep tapping my foot impatiently holding myself from alcohol on an empty stomach because he’s always late and the fact that he’ll remain late doesn’t seem like a good idea to mix with alcohol. 

When do I wind the clocks back? When was the time I should’ve asked him to date me, when nothing had happened and my hands had just itched and he had entirely polluted my existence up to the point that there had been days when I would just lay on the wrong side of the bed and I’d stare at the ceiling wondering if the paint had devils which would take me away, that had been after being entirely pissed, but he had still been in my thoughts. And so he comes in, his hair much longer after all the recording he’s been doing and I just smile. Sometimes I feel like we’re beyond everything, but I still want simple pleasures with him which he sulks about. 

I watch him as he reads the menu.

How many dates like these have we had? 

Maybe if my birthday was on Valentine’s I’d always have a date with him, if I were a child I’d ask him to, because you should fulfill the wishes of the birthday boy. I feel myself sweat and I can’t even concentrate on what should I choose, I think I have even successfully forgotten what do I usually order here, so I just keep staring at the salads for a start, hoping that my mind will close up for a bit and I would be able to order one. Alex notices me fidget, gives a weak smile and dunks himself back into choosing. If I was as calm as he is.

But then that would mean one less occasion to see him. 

Fear still seems to pierce me. I keep looking at him and I’m scared as if I have never talked to him before, what do I talk of, because whenever he was with Alexa I’d wonder why do they even talk as I’d prefer to be in silence instead of talking to her, they bring the wine and I just take a sip even if I regret ordering something so light, I’d rather take a shot and believe the illusion that like a blanket it would give me warmth and strength. 

I wait for him to talk of Alexa, how he misses her, instead he just right after we order starts talking about the recording and I had heard the album already even if there a few final steps to be done and I just nod, because it does sound great, amazing just like anything he had ever touched. I wonder why does he not speak of his ex when everything seems to be forced with some plastic love which people seem to hold and sometimes I wonder what do other people feel, what does choke them at night and if they have ever felt something because they give up on love so easily?

People give up too easily and maybe I cling too much, hoping on everything, on small gestures which seem to be plastered to my mind. I feel so scared that all my phrases consists of a few words. 

We even start eating and it’s all Alex who is talking. I don’t even know how to start. I don’t know how to end when I can’t even tell what the ending will be. I just keep watching him, my entire being frozen and at the same time all I want to do is to kiss him, that’s the only move I’d do if someone would guarantee me that I wouldn’t be pushed away. 

“Sorry that I stole you off for Valentine’s, Turner.” I grin softly, I lie, I don’t feel sorry, I am selfish I want him for today, for every day, the fear that he will leave me captures me before I even have him. The fear seems even selfish as I don’t think he’d want me back and maybe he even feels sorry for me. I didn’t come out but I feel as if only the ones who are fully blind will not see who do I prefer. 

“I thought you were my valentine.” Alex grins lightly and takes a sip of wine. I feel myself shake a little. Small gestures which mean nothing seems to ruffle my mind and turn me against my self. I cling onto him, I cling onto the belief that he might love me back. Stop giving me false hope and I feel like I could even say it out loud. 

“Well, for tonight...” I pause. I try to grin, but I am far too nervous. “I guess I am. First and last time a bloke for Valentines, eh, Al?”

I say and I keep poking the meat with a fork far too much, nervous and anxious, I believe I’ve reached the point where I will never have to courage to ever touch this subject as well and all I hear is small laughter coming from Alex. 

“Oh fuck no.” He keeps laughing. “Of course not, shit, I thought Matt went on and told everyone.”

I nearly drop the fork. My mind is blank and I just raise my eyes at him. Fear seems to be thin with hope eating the fabric as if it were a hungry, blind moth. Just because he might just be interested in men just gives the fact that he might be attracted rather than actually give evidence that he is. 

“Oh, I never thought you...” I pause.

“Were into men?” Alex smirks and then tries to hide a frown by looking at his nearly finished plate. “Changes then the tiles of the game?”

“No.” I say nearly instantly and he keeps looking at me. “It doesn’t. Well, it does, but.”

Alex is confused. 

“I just never realized you were...” I think we are blindly finishing each other’s throughts.

“Into men.” He says.

“Yeah.” I just keep poking my barely touched food and I’m sure Alex wants to comment on that, but he doesn’t, instead he just looks around and focuses on the balloons let loose on the ceiling with all the shades of red and pink, a few gold ones most likely left from New Year celebrations. 

Is this the part where I come out? Is this the part where I tell him I love him? What do I say? I can’t eat and the piece of meat has been on my fork so long that I just put the fork down and I can’t even distinguish voices as I just stare at Alex, who keeps taking little sips of wine. 

“Is it Valentine’s day when you tell the truth?”

“Christmas.” I say barely audibly, but Alex seems to have plans of his own.

“Whatever.” He’s not drunk. “I’m into blokes too.”

I don’t say so I’m I.

Some words are better than coming out.

“I love you. Go do whatever you want with it. I fucking love you.” He says it and my world collapses or rather, it seems to have managed to shine brighter, something close to the shine he always had for me. 

I don’t say I’m into blokes. I don’t ask him anything.

“I love you too. That’s why I invited you over, that’s why I always invite you.” And I manage to keep my mouth shut about all the girlfriends and the flings he’s always mentioned. I just actually manage to be shaking and grinning, both of us grinning and I even stand up and I yank him by his chin to kiss him. My whole body is swollen and I’m sure our lips will be bruised and his hair is in the way.

But I fucking love him.

We pull away. Suddenly, I’m not scared I’m excited over the fact that I might just be with him if I manage to open my eyes to the fact that the feeling was always mutual. 

-

Sorry it's a delayed Valentine's fic, but here it is :D and I should have the next chapter of Arabella up soon:)

Disaster 2

I wish Marina would be my girlfriend, that we’d giggle and there would be no games but then I don’t think that would be her and then it’s not even her I’m dreaming of, I’d be flirted and played with and with a bunch of aces tucked in her lace sleeves.

I don’t think I’ll be ok until I can pinpoint my feelings and the problem is feelings aren’t flat to be stuck against a wall with a blue pin. 

“Matthew doesn’t like it when I leave him red lipped.” She says and I watch her apply gloss to her lips before we leave school with the days soon enough to be counted in our head, just like it is closer to summer but this time it’s more of a final bell. I just blink, but I keep my silence knocking my Converse together as I sit on the window sill, my body lightly shaking from the fact how her eyes seem to see me through and I can’t actually bring myself to answer her. I just smile, dumbly, something I’m sure she does with her boys. She just smiles back, opening her mouth and applying more to have them more glossy and sugary.

I’d want her to put on red lipstick and I’d be wearing dark purple for instance and I’d want them to mix, both of us forgetting and how it would be licked off and mixed going to our cheeks, I’d want to leave traces on our necks and I’d want us to be caught redhanded, evidence clearly on each other’s mouths if we’d take our mouths off each other, maybe it’s not that I want other people to notice, but I’d want her to notice. 

Sometimes I feel like I am indeed going insane that I’m going in cycles in how I want to feel her fingers trace my shoulderblades after my mind goes back from wondering in how would sex feel like with her.

Just like one day you wake up without depression, one day you wake up fully immersed in love, realizing that you needed to breathe underwater. Breathing water is suicide and makes the lungs burst as if they are a balloon trying to be threaded with yarn in some sick decoration, people idolize being single too much and if they manage then it’s a empty balloon with the yarn covering everything. Of course unless people actually don’t want to be taken or with someone, but those with the smiles are the liars.

You don’t show your smiles to the rest.

Maybe that’s why I smile when she shows it more to me. 

But I still don’t think I have the rights to kiss her. 

It feels like I keep falling deeper underwater and the image above is so blurred and I’ve been falling so long, that even reaching the end I feel as if there’s more to fall down to and not all is lost. I feel far too distant and then what she says seems to yank me out of the water and is like a sudden gulp of air.

I stop writing the biology homework which I seemed to be doing the crosses wrong and with all of Mendel muddled up in my head. I just look at her. 

“I really don’t want to sleep with him, that would be a loss on my end, you know? But he’s too hot and I just think we should... push it, y’know?” She grins and I try to focus on her hair and her ribbon in her head, just to avoid her eyes but it’s getting too difficult and I don’t even had the time to nod as I start sweating and I think my pen will soon fall from my fingers. It’s the second time she brings it up and now with more courage. 

“I heard about Alison. Y’know... the girl at the party. She said you were quite into it.” She gave a cheeky grin and I felt even more uncomfortable, it’s like that lost birthday wish coming true only under the wrong twisted light and with the wrong words mumbled, yet fated. I feel falling even more backwards and maybe she’s the one pushing me in, I don’t know and I don’t know who is the enemy anymore. She starts the circle again only now throwing more wood into the fire to watch me burn as a witch, even if I think that it is her boyfriends which will make her burn. 

“What of it?” I try to speak very drily and Marina just shrugs, a bit taken back, as if coming out would be no big deal. But then for those who don’t understand how deviant we even are to ourselves, the L word being something scary to even grasp in the mind, just sometimes I manage to call myself such in my head and for a moment in the crowd I’ll put my head up high before recalling the times I am tucked in. 

She is oddly taken back and I just think if I should plunge, but instead I flirt with fate as I am pushed deeper but it seems that she is the depth with me or waiting for me. 

She is the depth which I don’t see and don’t understand. 

Marina keeps her silence maybe in regret, then she just shrugs, leaning her head a bit lower into the book and she actually starts tracing the sentence she’s reading. I watch her for a while. Then she suddenly jerks her head. 

“No, I didn’t mean anything, that I’m against it, I’ve known you and well... it’s who you are, I guess. Um.” She tries to shrug it off. “More like you didn’t tell me and well, I just had a few thoughts since I found out and I was wondering if you wanted to... do things?”

I just blink.

I’m not sure how to feel of it if to think of it clearly yet it seems to please, tease and scare me. 

Sometimes you wish that the other person had done the move and all the scenarios seem to be laid out in your head, what could’ve happened but in the end you’re happy you did it. And I don’t know what actually triggers you to do it at that moment and that way, I could only feel that I loved her and maybe that was what intoxicated me for so long when I took her face in my hands and how she froze, how Marina’s eyes widened and how she waited for me to kiss her softly. 

I push her onto the bed, everything seems to be collapsing and building itself up. 

But I get scared maybe love is like death, your life flashes before your eyes, because falling in love with Marina, something seemingly too controversial that it was odd to realize that I am in love with a woman and my being has never been on fire before, it’s as if I was always locked and now I was burnt down to realize that I was some sort of phoenix awaiting the flame to burn itself and I emerged. 

I don’t know why me liking Marina is controversial I don’t know why am I controversial and why is my love so different and with all the violence I’ve seen and the divorce rates, all the children getting thrown out when LGBT parents have their arms stretched out and the statistics shock me. 

And even the kiss is shocking to myself, it shouldn’t be, there shouldn’t be a division between me and a straight cis couple who don’t love each other but because they’re together they have all the rights I only wish to have. 

We keep kissing and I have too many mixed feelings even if I’m drowning in my feelings for her as I push her onto the bed, on top of her and I try to keep my hands to myself, but Marina is the one who doesn’t hesitate and gets her hands under my shirt. I feel myself far too wet and I keep frenching her and I feel like she is leading me with her desire, maybe because she has no love xattached to it, I actually don’t know as she cups my breasts and I gasp into her mouth, scared to open my eyes, getting some courage to go under her shirt and slowly start touching her stomach and my fingers stay there for a while as I wonder and I actually go down, undoing her jeans and stroking the skin above her underwear. I don’t even know which one she is wearing but I trace my fingers lower, feeling Marina moan. 

I touch her clit over her underwear and she’s soaked as she herself lets her hands wander down and I lean back to see her breathing heavily, cheeks flushed and I rub her clit faster and I actually stick my hand in to feel her clit and she stops touching me and she rubs herself against my fingers, pulling me into a hungry kiss and I wonder if she’s embarrassed and I feel intoxicated as I start biting her neck, licking, sucking it and stroking her harder and harder. She pulls me back into a kiss and she gives a long moan, grinding against my hand, biting my lip and I watch her come, catching her breath and I watch her.

I made Marina come. 

-

At least Lana fucking tours properly, I've been horrible depressed about AM+Miles Kane today, so I'm still at that stage

Anyway, fuck them, they don't want to tour, ok, I'm not cashing out for Berlin, I think that's my last stance. No offense, get your head out of your US obsessed ass. 

Anyway, about the story, as you can see I was angry and depressed today xD

Now the plot actually flowed here and pretty much all my thoughts were shoved in and yeah:3

I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request :3

<3

To Miles 24

Everything makes sense when depression comes to me when I see it even from behind, its cloak reminding me of the death but the scythe melancholically lying on the side near Miles’ bed, maybe to remind myself what was long lost.

Matt comes to my mind as well, far too often and sometimes I don’t even know who I send off, I just ask for their name, wondering how much my body still manages to get excited and I’ve heard that sticking your hand in ice makes you feel alive so when I stick in it milk one morning I get a stare from Julian who sips on his coffee, as Miles sits as far away from me as possible.

His voice had cracked, whole body shaking, teeth chattering, eyes red. 

“S-ship sank. You fucker killed him.” Miles grabbed me and shoved me back against the bunks. “You killed Pete!”

I’m such an ungrateful bastard that for a second with the splitting cheek, the dreams still provided me pillows of comfort to glance at Miles before the pain came back and death blackened my existence. All my being shatters and the thought of Pete in drag comes back to me, pulling both my hands, grinning and deceased doesn’t seem to match his face. 

My mind blanks it out too often, but instead I get more chest tore open as I lay in bed.

It got worse.

Two lovers were killed.

The news of Carl’s suicide travelled like fire and it seemed to scare everyone so I had to stay in the cubicles for half the night praying and if not I’d come back to Hince and undress, my eyes closed as his lips would remind me of the death I’ve been sending off people too. I was the one waltzing alone in the room now with no lovers at any side and just Hince clapping in the distance. 

Julian seemed like a timebomb, as I had days when I just wanted to send him away but I had kept the loop around my neck, Julian still on my side, but spending more time with Carlos who seemed immersed in his own weird things and novels he and Julian seemed to exchange pretty often. 

I think I was also convinced that my lovers weren’t in love with me anymore and watching Miles sleep even through dark felt as if the thin curtain which I could break with my fingers was suddenly thick and painful to touch. Sometimes I was too irritated at him and sometimes I just wanted to reach out to him and just to stare at him in the dark where he couldn’t see me, but talking to him would send me shivers and sometimes both Matt and Miles intertwined in the dark, so when I had gotten a letter from Matt it seemed like everything was in place and I felt that I was slowly stabbing myself with a knife as I laid on the bunk, reading the letters which would form his name and how he had written my name and seeing my name was Alexander seemed odd, as if I had never been called like that. 

I think I should slip into the colour blue as I check Miles’ bunk and I finally open the letter. I don’t know why I’m checking if he’s not there and as I take out the letter I see that it’s three pages which sends an odd warmth through me and I before reading light a cigarette, keeping it in my mouth, exhaling and inhaling as I start reading. It’s nice to know that you’re not the first one offering a proper truce. Matt’s handwriting is quite big something I’ve mocked him for and over the years it got smaller but on the letters he makes it wonky as well, just to irritate me. 

He started off with talking about Lana how she had went back to her natural colour and how they hung a day after she had delivered a few planes to the NAS and how they had both discussed me and he felt bad for not writing to me, so here it is for him to start babbling. And then he says he stopped for a day, back on the ship and goofing off his mind still shuffling with what to write until he finally did. Matt apologized before saying how he had enjoyed seeing me (he can’t really write about sex since the letters get opened and checked but he still wrote a love at the end, which managed to slip as nothing else in the content shows anything and I noticed some glimpses of a girl called Breana through out but could be a disguise, something Paul had told me he had used when he was writing to some guy onshore). 

I think of you in the tenderest ways,
With your lips upon my fingertips

But that’s the thing, Alex,

Love destroys you.

I gulp, my fingers shaking lightly and Miles walks in, stops for a brief moment at the door for me to barely notice and I flick my eyes back to the letter.

It shatters you and it gives you some insane courage.

But I don’t think it fully came to me Matt, the courage is the one which strangles me and I watch him, we’ve been like this for days, weeks and he just avoids me and I can’t say anything let alone properly look at him and the only thing which I catch is the dark circles under his eyes and I wonder if we had been struggling with insomnia and scared to smoke a cigarette outside in order to avoid each other. Sometimes I wonder too much, but I don’t let myself do anything. Maybe that’s not the love I need, but it’s the courage I crave to actually do something.

But I had sent two loaders to their death. And many men to be jailed for committing the same sin I had under the heavens. I wonder what is his stance does he actually believe that heaven like the church would be open for both the homosexuals and those who took their own lives? Would that be his comfort zone to explain himself that to try and get a blink of sleep at least. I wonder how comforting that blanket is. 

Miles opens his coffin locker and his back is turned towards me. I just watch him, wanting to stretch my hand to touch him, but I don’t, instead I turn to my side and I watch him take off his shirt and change it and I just stay there, Matt’s letters always there to soothe me, someone who is always by your side I guess gets chucked away sometimes which is a slap to them in my eyes

and maybe that’s the courage I get to stand up and Miles turns towards me and I see the fear in his eyes and it’s not that it’s because I can send him off, it’s the fear of not knowing where we are falling.

I watch him, I shiver, I can’t touch him and we just stare at each other, he leans closer and I feel like Judas only I won’t give the blow and we kiss, softly, I am now shaking fully pulling him closer to me, as close as I can, as Miles’ hand is in my hair, messing it, another arm around my waist and I can’t hold as we both deepen the kiss and fear still shakes me deeper as I’m scared that this is just passion and love is long discarded. 

The fear of not knowing how deep his morals to be right stand scare me, they don’t just come to me in the night, they dawn on me in the day, we both get far too turned on, but we keep kissing, holding the kiss sometimes between intense making out. I want to know where his heaven and hell stand, what would make him collapse and how many times can he sin again. 

But the longing takes over reason. 

I don’t think he knows what he’s doing but I think I’m selfish enough to be thankful whether it was an impulse or a full acknowledged act. 

It’s not that the magic will go away by midnight or once the eyes are opened, it’s once the lips are split open and love is a knife doing so. 

The thing which pulls us apart is the door as we instantly dettach ourselves, my hair clearly not slicked back anymore and Miles being shirtless isn’t really helping either and we both just cross our legs, which raises more suspicions, but all Carlos does is just shuffle past us, avoiding the new other loaders which haven’t been too talkative so it had been both Thom and Jonny sitting there with me and Miles on opposite side and Julian and Carlos raising suspicions in my head if they had fucked or not. Everything seemed to be uneventful now until the kiss.

Besides one visit to Hince who had managed to open a wine bottle and seemed to be laughing at his own assumption that he’ll be cleansing the ship all the time, crew after crew because everyone is gay anyway. But the topic of Miles was always avoided and whenever I’d walk in to report someone I could feel him getting tense, but Miles’ name never came. It was as if he had been death and I had been birth, it was odd to drink from a wine glass all of a sudden, because I wasn’t too keen besides when I would go to bars, I’d still cling to the milkshakes with Matt and just sitting there with him as he’d watch me and I never really spoke until he’d touch me and I wouldn’t do anything.

I felt odd, because it kept going on and the more miserable I got I felt as if it was someone who seemed to kept me giving me obscure reasons to keep going, I don’t know, it wasn’t that I was angry I just started feeling as if I was in a weird cycle and I was a rat in a wheel, that’s how I felt. It just kept going on and on and maybe he had figured that Miles had managed to slip out of my fingers as well and I had seen Miles exit his furiously, brushing past me. 

It’s like this odd Stockholm syndrome which I’ve started slipping into and I’ve wondered if I should ask him for the books and by the end of the day he’d tell me the battleground that became of Europe and sometimes our talks would expand, somewhat foggy about our lives and I tried my best not to talk about men, he’d just ask me where I had grown up, why the navy and sometimes he’d ask me about the novels he’d try and I’d say that they were bad and that would mean that he would enjoy them. He felt like a different contrast to Miles, as if I was the gray area, that Hince was on the other side, the murderer or the person who ordered and Miles seemed to be simply avoiding the target and I wondered how were the two ever intertwined. 

It felt like the deal with the devil had been made and all what was to be awaited was when the devil would take my soul. I had once written a poem about the fear of spiders and the ending was releasing the spider which was trapped instead of keeping it under the can, so that the moment which was most feared would just come to get over with. I was told that it didn’t make sense, but I beg to differ and that’s I guess some odd metaphor which goes on with me and I had drank as much as I could take, wondering to which direction should I plunge in. 

“Do you believe in fortune telling, Turner?” Hince had asked me breathing out the smoke and hesitating if he should get another bottle, but instead he just sat there. “My wife does it all the time and never tells me what the cards hold for her or for me. I always wondered why the same cards seem to show up regardless of how she shuffles, how much she prays, that makes you wonder doesn’t it? What is it that the fortune teller is afraid to speak of?

I know she has someone, but I don’t know. I’m away, I do the same thing and when we’re together there’s this odd longing which manages to sprout out of nowhere which I don’t even notice when I’m alone, it’s as if... I’m two different people. I don’t know. 

Maybe that’s for the best, eh, Turner?” And he kisses me on the lips, the Judas to his wife. I pull away, reaching for the glass but it’s long empty and Hince smirks standing up and moving closer, tilting my head up and kissing me longer this time. I feel myself shiver, but I get so used to it that I become so numb. I don’t know how much has my mind and my body decided to turn off that during the whole thing I’d even head to Hince for longer and start some odd conversation which would make him raise his eyebrows and he’d follow it. It was mainly to kill time was my second excuse after I had told myself that I was doing to get on his good side. War seemed to be passing us so far and the blood which was getting shed had started scaring us, yet we were still doing nothing aiming with no direction, doing targets and spending time on shore. 

Julian seemed to spend more time with Carlos and I wasn’t feeling jealousy, just an odd confusion around Carlos who had seemed to be flirting with the fact of being a constant asshole to somewhat quite standable and I had gone drinking with them once and once we even snug out to a gay bar and once Julian left for the bathroom, Carlos offered me a cigarette while I was finishing mine. I stubbed mine out sooner and took the offered one, I felt lost wondering what could I actually discuss with Carlos, but he had started the topic. 

“I’m not actually attracted to men, I just happen to have a lot of gay men friends. If that’s what’s on your mind.” He had smiled, clean shaved and I wondered how he had managed to grow a mustache he had mentioned he used to have onshore before he was transferred here. 

Everyone seemed to be a substitute for Miles so once we had to depart our lips for a lost moment and we won’t find our way back, it seemed like everyone else seemed to dawn on me, how much I had Miles and Carlos had kept his silence and I just wondered how would I approach him, fear choking me by the neck. 

“It’s actually not, Carlos.” I confessed widening my eyes and I always pray for Miles to walk in and that I’d have the guts to start all over again, see him with another bloke and then make out on the dancefloor but the memories seem to be partially hidden under a few branches which I’ve thrown into the way myself. All of a sudden I felt as if there were too many lovers and none of them even together seemed to substitute Miles and his eagerness about life, but the eagerness towards me was now long gone. 

“Well, Julian is attracted to you.” Carlos had muttered and it’s one thing when it’s shoved in your face and my mind had been made up to just grab whoever I could and the fact that I had slowly started to let my mind and self get poisoned by sex with Hince was far from something I had wanted. 

I think the more German submarine activity had started I tried to make it slip past my fingers, giving me an odd taste of fear and letting myself dissolve.

I had gave in and I followed Julian just as he was heading out and I closed the door behind us pushing him against a wall and instantly putting my tongue in his mouth as he had pulled me harshly, running his fingers on my body and I had still felt numb, as if I had been watching it all and masturbating to the whole scene. 

The fact that I was actually getting attached to Hince was scaring me, that sex was taking an odd turn and he still disgusted me and he’d avoid mentioning Miles like wildfire yet it was going in cycles, my whole mind was going in cycles

And I was trying to get rid of the memory of Hince actually asking me for once during sex and I had fucked him, he had made sure that I had finished as well and that was twisting my mind, because with me sending of a bunch of men he seemed the constant evil and then you start siding

and for some reason it had dawned on me how much of a twisted person I was, going along with some man’s desires or rather the desire of a nation to wipe out people like me, I was the backstabber, I was the traitor, I would maybe even be forgotten but I’d be there not as the man who did this to fuck over men, but to kill them and it would drive me insane. 

It was as if having sex with Hince was some odd rinsing and some odd forgiveness from Satan since God didn’t want me anymore and I’d hear Miles say how God made everything simpler, how believing in fate and some holiness made life easier, how it made it less lonely

and when that God is taken away from you, you just lose direction

and the fallen angel seems like an escape because he had once been close to God. 

-

Sorry this took a while to write and kind of the fact that I myself have depression is helping me write Al's state and in general so yeah:3 and because it had taken long to write this chapter was intended to be a bit kind of time jump so it was I think done quite well as I hadn't been up with story so my thoughts were as messy as Al's memories XD

Thing is I've known about Carl's death for so long and they were planned as lovers who will go down together, that yeah, I'm mourning the deaths ahead as well. 

I missed Miles and I was thinking of this scene and how would it happen and I love how it ended up spontaneous from what I had thought of and I'll remain silent for now regarding Miles. I ship them so much and yeah :3 

There's a lot of odd love triangles specifically involving Al and Miles and I guess one of the odd ones are Hince, Al and Miles. In general Hince was supposed to be there for the sort of not even worthy of being a villain and then he escalated and he is the story's villain, but Alex is more an anti-hero, while Miles would fit into the hero box, which kind of seems interesting in my head, how they both contrast each other in morals and also views on religion. I guess as years change I pretty much have three things I write about: religion, sex and death xD and it goes in and intertwines and all these things are written xD

Hince and Al freak me out with their poisonous relationship and while I wasn't writing I wanted to do this bizarrely insane Stockholm syndrome between them and the more I wrote the more it made sense why Al is clinging and how he is falling apart slowly. 

I am superstitious and I fortune tell apparently xD so I chucked that bit in, a good fortune teller never tells the person who the fortune is being told to if something bad will happen, so that was used and Hince's wife as a fortune teller seems like a nice idea. 

Also even if it's not mentioned To Miles deals with a lot of non-monogamy and in general Al's polyamorous nature which is far more open than my own xD which I quite like as there's a lot of different relations between him and so many characters and other characters among other characters. So that's I guess also quite a deep running theme, which I'm not sure there will be a big point where Al yells that he's polyamorous, but it's there and well, of course it's there xD which makes me happy and I love the story more, I don't know I guess because it's so big and going on of course I can relate to Al even if I don't think that I'd do the things he would and I'd break differently, there's a lot but then all characters have some traits which I've given them or from people I love but everyone is a heavy mix that even myself I think, because there's no concrete yeah that person is that and etc. I'm not even sure I'd stick myself to Al anyway xD

I hate and I love Carlos at the same time. And I guess he might just be the only straight character here XD 

I dunno I love the whole religion conversation Al and Miles seem to be having in Al's head throughout the story, I dunno, I feel bad but I like the whole idea of making Miles religious and Al not which is the opposite of what I do usually, so yeah

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you enjoyed it and if you want a next chapter:3

I've been writing more so expect more things up soon:3

<3

To Miles 25