After the vision, I feel as if I am tilted and meant to fall onto the tray, to which Jamie grabs the yoghurt and tells me to eat, as I try to swallow and he tells me that it’s just in the beginning, that it gets better and I feel like clawing his back, my head starting to spin harder, blurring the edges of the vision as I just press my head against his now near shoulder, he just sits closer. I sigh, getting one of his arms and putting it around me, as he only tightens his grip lightly, I wonder how deep is love even planted and how much should you dig to reach your fate.
Alex throws stars.
“It’s odd... you have different memories.” I start speaking. “And I seem to be getting them.”
His touch is even much more loved than familiar. Everything would be repeated and my own first kiss is different from his. Because he had already loved me twice. It’s as if I had lost my memories but I had never built them in the first place and I wondered how often had the wind blown in our faces and how much would the whirlwinds even give us anything and how many times had we traced the walls while kissing somewhere in a close. I wondered how much had I loved him or had he been the one always pulling me down, together? I wonder if the same love I hold for Alex is being erased and just drawn pencil links for Jamie now, as I feel as if the world changes under the mind and his memories, which make it even more odd as if he could rearrange anything-
like the bridal dresses
on top of his
I eat more yoghurt again, taking his arm off as he keeps his own silence, looking at the walls which I’m sure he’s very well known off and I feel cold and lonely without his touch, but instead I cross my legs on the bed. I tap my index finger against the yoghurt box.
“You own a store, yeah?” He looks at me surprised and I just feel more cheating, as if I finding the answers to an exam in front of me and writing them down with confidence and understanding that this happens with the sole stroke of luck you could perhaps do if you could destroy something. I remember when I was growing up, my mom told me that there is a specific rock which supposedly if you break in two, you’d be able to change something under your bare hands. I wondered what that thing was and it had given me nightmares because what could one person do and if they could switch one jenga piece in a game, which one would they and would they be careful or would they just lose because it would get them out of the current arrangement? I dreamt that I had taken a hammer and knocked it down, but I never knew what I had wished, because like all dreams whether they come at night or at day are forgotten.
And I presume so had mine, if I had truly done that.
He interrupts my thinking and I wonder how had he bent everything for his one desire and I wondered why is it so that we manage to find ways to get what we most desire and how do we even manage to do so and would luck even exist in this place or is it because of our actions? What freewill do we have if time doesn’t exist and by the end of the day we can play the role of God to a bigger extent until we can’t cary the weight anymore and we die, just like God would. And I wonder how come some Gods existed and some didn’t for that matter.
“Yeah, it’s a vintage store, pretty much with everything. We can visit it anytime. It started off quite a while ago and I ended up getting it and I’ve worked there as well, as running it. It’s just... really pretty and that had gotten me through out my childhood, just making sure to pop in and go through things, which people had given in. Then when I started working I ended up really liking reading there in breaks, as people would head out to eat. I always ended up there and the first thing I actually did when I got the store was actually sleeping there. There’s the first room, which has the entrance and it has bridal dresses on the top and I had slept there, curled up and oddly enough I was reading a book about vampires back then.” He paused. “It’s weird to know that something like wishing I was one, given immortality would suddenly become real and not as bloody.”
“Maybe coz you haven’t killed too many yet.” I shudder, recalling Alex draining men’s blood and his one time story that there was a period where he would go to different bars or drive around the country just to make sure to get much more men and I wondered if he had done that with Miles as well. The image of them biting the same man seemed privately erotic to me, but I shrugged it off with a blushing jealousy as I still wondered where was Miles and how had he looked like and how come he was easily discarded. What if getting rid of other lovers was the reason we would break the stone into nothing? And why was it a stone? Was that a metaphor that the hardest, oldest things can easily be broken by our own freewill and intense desire to wreck things?
I'm awfully tired and I frankly did this because I was dying to write Bar Eyes even if I barely had the chapter even started and I try to stick to my maximum 3 days break between posting and I've been awfully tired since as usual moving apartments ends up with bullshit like people cancelling last minute even with a contract. Fun. Not really. Sucks awfully. So yeah.
So I haven't been writing that much, but here I am and because of that it's harder naturally to write a chapter or in general to write and frankly my hands are even tired from typing, so I'm sorry if it's short.
The main point of this chapter was the monument, like I was thinking if I should even talk about it in the backstory, but the UL/BR universe is very complex so I'll go there. First things first the UL/BR universe is kind of a turnt over in what I believe in since I'm religious and spiritual. It kind of goes onto the freewill and actually like Alison said made everyone like God, which I think has a lot of roots from Neon Genesis Evangelion's human's desires to be God, only in this case they can become so by different things even if it's minor because frankly by the end of the day we all very often have someone or a few people as our ultimate desire. So the story plays on that, since Jamie here ended up doing what he could to get Alison, while everyone kind of goes on with that ideology really.
I ended up getting worried and I kind of get nervous what if I can't do the odd story telling I used to be able before when I was very depressed and then I would just write things like Schizomilk and Special K, but I still have things like Sultry Room these days and now I focus on more realistic or surreal yet realistic things. But it still went on to be well and kind of explanatory. In Alison's dream it's a reference or an explanation to the monument Alison destroys in Used Lighter, which gives the entire story a very closed circle as everyone is frankly doing everything to get the other. BE was a prologue to tell the rest of the story when UL really explained and told everything on it's end besides the monument, to be honest I like closing off things or leaving open but explained and the monument was that one thing and I just wanted to explain it now with the fact that I had really just thought of it and plays in with the whole accessibility to be God.
Writing BE is a bit weird because it's frankly such a filled Edinburgh story and I haven't been there in years and I'm not sure I'd ever have the stomach to step there again with everything. I don't think I'd manage because I really loved the city and I never expected such things to happen, so it's rather painful to write about places I've loved, which inspired me and so on. But I love it because it matches the story and many stories had the same setting so it's really felt.
I kind of wanted to address since well, I wanted to be a vampire so I wanted kind of Jamie to go, yeah, I wanted to be one and since they're rather different that it's quite a contrast. I hadn't entirely decided how Jamie got the store, since I already have him as inheritance in Blue/Jacket so yeah. I have an idea, I'll see 8) And I just wrote it down rather nicely xD so you'll see how in the next chapter ^^
I'll work more on Miles, trust me more is coming 8) yay Milex XD
I hope you enjoyed it and thank you