Saturday, 23 May 2015

Relationship Values 4

If we were back home, most likely as we’d have dinner we would play some cards, Jamie’s eyes glowing to see if luck would be on his side, as usual, and how he would laugh at the old saying that if you’re lucky in love, you’re bad at cards and they seemed to give out how we were going: when things got worse, then Jamie’s luck would increase, and now I wondered with both miseries on the side if the sole deck would win against us by not giving cards at all? Since the night would colour us both, draining the whisky until we would be reflected in our minds and holding each other, not even bothering to peak at the cards, as the mind was entirely in other orbs.

Pink trees among pines

Pink trees among lines

Was a poem he had told me once and I only presumed that he had written it for something and it didn’t go much beyond, as we had both discarded and taken off our dreams for a while, only for me to resume mine, as he decided to continue being a lawyer after all. It wasn’t the drift, I had known and he had known, he never changed, in the end the stability of having the same things had driven me wild along with questions I would’ve never answered on my own, with the price of sheer loneliness. I would’ve never regretted my life so much if I hadn’t left and would’ve seen how deep does a divorce go for two people. How does slow death affect one when the verdict is said by the doctor of life.

Streamers seem to tie up and follow up dreams, reminding of the things you’ve drank underneath them and how much you’ve changed if you look at the memory under the right angle to bleed out on the street. The imagery will be the same, because we all crave the same thing.

When it came to sorting photos, I wondered of the ones mom had given me, which were already stored with different faces and as age manages to make our lives less discreet the more evident it becomes that photos lie. We weren’t as miserable on our birthdays and I wonder in whose memories were we like that or was it the camera’s just like the celebrities and just like a dying cry, I wondered for a brief while why hadn’t I gotten so well along with Lana and how come the reasons were shallow against other families’ sheltered with abuse and verbal blood? And how many families had we destroyed by the sole fact that we couldn’t remember the faces which were in the photos and do we tell ourselves that they were happy when we see? What had been going under their skin and why had they all died and how come do all the tree roots remain on us, feeling the soil which dissolved into our skin and how come we are worthy of the ancestors we had wanted to see longer in our lives? 

Raising my eyes, I notice that he waits for me calmly before eating and no matter how angry you may be at a person, the small things which you had forgotten were done just not to be alone, like the fact that I always ate slower and started sometimes when the food was cold, would end with Jamie waiting for me. I pushed my hair behind my ear, before taking the fork and I briefly smiled to myself. Sometimes I wished all the photos of me would have Jamie instead of my sister, but you meet people later in life and they leave early as well, as if getting all of it topsy turvy even if it had been my fault and years later I decide to leave it, because I would never cope with him rejecting me, so a state of limbo becomes playful as the songs match the photos and we’re all gone. We won’t even be remembered by photos but I would want him in the last second of infinity which will be my last note, because his smile would be my camera’s memory because I couldn’t ask for more again. We use photos to tell people that they love us. And I wonder how the worst of mistakes can always be fixed with exes and people we wish we’d never talk to in our lives would come back, but the people who just drop dead suddenly that becomes something irreversible no matter how hard you try. I never understood ever since I was a child, how was it actually so that you could never see the dead again if crimes would be bypassed and people thought that the death penalty should be illegal. How could it be okay to kill people in wars but not those who made war with their own hands.

And I wondered whose life if I could would I destroy. Whose life would I kill, knowing that I would walk free after years because death penalty was no civil and it seemed as if an eye for an eye would never work. 

I wondered if life or death was the moon and how come photographs with the wrong emotions were left and how come we were all living and how much would we be tied up to society which deemed itself as some manipulative God where some lives were surely not allowed to be shot, while others were and how come people only cared of Americans these days and everyone else scattered was just meat. 

People say that life isn’t a movie and that would depress me as I was growing up with Lana who deemed to be utterly depressed and would end up trying to find meaning of life in anything which would numb her out and she would be passed out on the bed by seven even, before she could even get sad. Some people start judging the parents but by the end of the day we’re all strangers and just like you live with your neighbors in the building so it happens with the parents, that’s why splitting the will was nothing more than a rigged lottery ticket you were aware of because you would look nice like a winner on television.

Maybe two people is too much for one bowl when I can’t even find a spoon to eat. It’s impossible to speak of one lover to another, as I know that Jamie doesn’t speak much of himself, waiting for me to talk and I just wonder if mostly the attraction is non-verbal and so is our communication am I even doing a good job? And would he even stay over now to see how nothing changed since we had both moved out to live with him?

And I wondered what would even benefit to a routine as I would stay at home drawing and he would show up when he could. I wondered if I had wanted it again and how would I even feel with someone else in my life again and which solitude would I even want and if I could even give up the chance of being alone and believing in meeting someone else?

Was I just playing hard at admitting that nothing had changed at all? And how could I even tell him that? And if we can’t even converse, 

We split the bill,

I end up smoking outside again as he eventually decides to go to my house either way and it feels like a high school reunion only I would be wearing my prom dress since I always wear the same things as he even puts an arm around my shoulders, the action stinging both of closure and emphasis that we can share drinks without mixing cherry feelings. Maybe it ends up being a theatre with stage and no people. Maybe I am my own audience, refusing to believe any ratings and shutting down everything. We also walk in silence and I don’t know how to convince myself anymore as I watch him as he drives, the light brushing his face and he hasn’t aged and I feel like I’ve aged the world. I don’t stop watching, compensating two loves for one. 

Watching him sleep is the loneliest thing ever, as I had made the couch for him as he showered fast, thanking me and deciding that the sharp morning would be the wisest and I had sat in the kitchen for a while gazing at him, while sketching nothing in particular, because when you look at one asleep you’re forever closed down from their feelings and you just watch the door of someone’s life entirely closed and reminding


nothingleftatallwouldchangeitandyou’llneverbeagain. I bring my knees to my chest, holding the pencil with my mouth, doing a stroke through the painting of a person right through the core, digging deeper, wishing I could see my own blood to prove I am still living when I can no longer thread. 


I'm rather tired and I literally had 300 words left of this chapter xD I think I came up with the rounding up of it, don't worry xD it's far off. So I'll really keep silent. I'm awfully tired because Callie collapsed as I was having a blood test and I had to hold her down because she was restless and I ended up just acting out of "I can't let her stand up again otherwise she might hit something/I need to yank her back into consciousness". So I'm really tired after that and she split her head a bit on the back so I had to treat that too. She's all fine so yeah. So I'll try to wrap this up fast

So yeah I'm rather excited because I'll be addressing something I hadn't before so I'm happy. 

It's odd that it's been a month break but I've been writing this chapter rather long ago and editing things rather often. So yeah, it's also one of my most thought through stories and loved since it replaced (nearly) my hole after Poison the Rose and it kind of is obviously different but it addresses a more complex Alison/Lana relationship which I wanted, Jamie/Alison is addressed and Alison's gender will be later on.

Cards are here simply because me and Callie have been playing them far too much. I've talked about it in some other story I can't recall which one xD I think To Miles. Yeah xD I have that with cards actually, well used to which would indicate but maybe now I'm winning coz I'm a tad bit heartbroken xD but I kind of was for a long while with just Callie as my only partner so I love it as well so yeah. 

The pink among trees and etc was something I had written down because the trees looked pink while we were driving by on a bus. I am obsessed with bus rides and that's where I get my inspiration by listening to music and scenery. So that line was just written down and I decided that it fitted here.

The streamers would be one of the biggest imageries which I've been using and it's a nod to Poison the Rose. I kind of go deep on photos because I'm not to fond of how I look on photos frankly and there's like billions of photos of me where I am depressed and people or my family would treasure them because well I'm 5 and yeah, in a nice location but I look dead miserable and that kind of drains me as I look at them so I mused on that. So pretty much the photos you see of me on instagram are really me and Callie playing with light, filters and etc. I'm less flattering IRL xD and my make-up is much brighter. But I also get a kick of taking photos which aren't really just unflattering ones in a good location y'know. 

I eat really slow and in general I have anxiety and apparently different other disorders (diagnosed today, congratulate me xD all I knew plus panic disorder which I assumed. That also made me think should I even be proud what if I am too proud but I don't want to see it as something bad, it's who I am. So yeah. But I'll talk about mental health enough, don't worry :) By the way, I am very pro-self diagnosis because like a post I saw about it, like in Sweden it takes ages to get a doctor, medicine and diagnosis so it really helps you. It's not that I didn't want to be treated, I literally had to wait months and so do other people, you can't do that right away so if you're waiting until you can there is nothing wrong and would help you (but please research properly). So yeah, I can be a dick and say, yeah, I knew I had bipolar and I would ease the symptoms on guides I've read and they helped me. So yes, if you're in queue, if you can't afford it now, there is nothing stopping you from reading, asking around and doing certain exercises like breathing exercises, drinking tea for insomnia (herbal like camomile) and etc. And you're a dick for judging people if you've done so.) so speaking of eating so Callie slows down on her eating because I have so much trouble eating at times and I can take long. I do sometimes rather "ideal" partners if you must frankly because I get a lot of help from Callie who understands so I kind of give such small things in stories really. 

I was really lonely growing up and bullying and emotional abuse made me think that I would never find someone so I remember when I met Callie I was really sad that I didn't get to know her before, now that we've been together for 4.5 years there's a lot of memories and yeah, I'm sad that fate hadn't brought us earlier but we already met rather early (16 and 15) so yeah. So I wished I knew her and I used that here. I end up digging very old memories and feelings I wouldn't even recall before I wrote them down. I really end up writing with my mind and memories before I acknowledge them myself. 

I don't speak maybe on usual debate questions like my thoughts on death penalty. I kind of frankly forgot that people were heavily against it and that kind of arose to me when I was dating my ex, like I remember kind of talking about it to Callie a bit bewildered because I'm very pro-death penalty to be honest. I don't understand why wouldn't you kill someone who had killed 30 people for instance. I don't believe people can change in such cases. My stance is rather harsh if you must. But I kind of spoke it out here even if I'm sure Alison herself would be against death penalty, I think, since American liberals seem to be from the same mould anyway. Against death penalty but killing thousends of lives because who cares about non-Americans, right? 

I find it odd to write stories of a different spiritual stance but I can't make everyone with my stance, y'know? 

I saw a post on tumblr actually which was pretty much "your life is fugly, will never be a Coppola movie, will never have Joy Division as the soundtrack" and kind of reading it through was like... man, chill, what the fuck. Like maybe I'm a bit manic now, but like... life isn't bad and life is a movie. Have you seen other movies? Movies portray life, maybe if you stick to shitty cis het bull yeah, it won't be. 

I find it easier to describe jobs from home coz errr I freelance? xD So I kind of went heavy on that one thinking since Jamie is a lawyer here, since in my case both me and Callie freelance. 

I have depression and I'm not one to watch people in their sleep xD so I kind of mused on a bit on how it would be for Alison and there it was. 

I didn't know which word to choose so I ended up mumbling many because that's... what was in my head. XD I think I also had plenty references to IRL Lana and Alison.

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so so much



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