Thursday, 8 October 2015

Bar Eyes 10

-tracing the blood from my fingers onto the floor, my head aching and already thinking far too much of how to even call my parents. I pressed the hand further onto the floor to stand up and he didn’t protest. I don’t even know how you manage to let go of someone you love because they’ve never loved you then, but loved another bat instead. 

When I was a kid I actually wanted to get eaten by a vampire, sometimes whole so that I wouldn’t exist.

I’m sad that we only know people for a short while.

“I spent a whole summer before I was a vampire fucking up my sleeping cycle. I had insomnia, I couldn’t do anything and I was behind even on opening the bar, by the end of it.” Alex had told me scratching his eyelids both at the same time, as I woke up, wondering when would I become insomniac and nothing would matter anymore, as the days seemed to pass and they seemed to drag some misery, I could barely force myself to wonder what had I found in Jamie, which had to go to work and soon enough I was bored of the same wedding dresses, the rows of leather jackets and I wanted Glasgow back with its dull coloured streets and sneaking out with other peers into pubs underage. I missed the order which hit when I had school. I missed being with my parents and not caring about immortality and some man who had adored a different version of me.

There was nothing wrong with him and he would sleep on the couch or at least pretend to, possibly to kill time and think about how things had been. I didn’t have the guts to ask him how much he had regretted biting me. I wondered how many times would it tick through his head and I just couldn’t relax no matter how much the days went on, it seemed logical that I’d want everything to pass much sooner until some resolution, but instead I wanted no days to end in case the next was the worse of the previous. 

I still couldn’t ask what was going on his mind and neither would he speak. 

I wondered if he was as disappointed in life as I was. 

I wondered how many things would we all have done differently and if so which take was this one that it was so much filled with regret?

And I still wondered how come I couldn’t speak any of this out and how come was he a partner if I had absolutely nothing to say at all and I had no jealousy when I had met him once right after work and he had been talking very long to a flirtatious colleague which I had wondered even knew about me stuck in the trunk, way back in his house. Soon enough she had noticed me and I wondered if she had seen me as some daughter-

How much had he loved me in the previous take then? And how come it was erased like a mistake? And how much bitter did disappointment taste like?

I didn’t feel bitter but I mused on as he noticed me a bit embarrassed, that what if that had been some specific colleague and I wondered if I had been at fault for not wanting anything or that I hadn’t felt any jealousy as well. I just felt a bit at a loss that I had felt nothing and I just had to walk a few streets down to greet him after work, instead of being locked up in my room. I had avoided all social medias until now, no one really to run away from but it seemed odd to even check an Instagram I haven’t used in months or a Facebook I had no idea why I hadn’t deactivated. And seeing Jamie’s face for some reason seemed to throw my stomach in different directions, it wasn’t disgust but it felt as if I had been some odd captured damsel in distress regardless. Only Alex was nowhere to be found and I had no idea what I had wanted either. 

I just had the thought that I felt awful that I hadn’t gotten to know him either and at his house which I know would even think of coming back home after roaming around the city, stopping at random streets which would remind me of certain things or rather the me that would never be now and I wondered how long would it take for the memories to even die off. 

But what I had to deal with was with my decision of trying to get to know Jamie, which just seemed odd and I just offered to walk around the old part of town, just until either of us would manage to talk again and looking at Jamie, I knew that he’d been waiting again. Neither did I know how to start a proper conversation. We just looked at each other baffled and a bit cumbersome and sticking out of the same situation. I couldn’t ask him if he had regretted biting me. 

“I just figured... we should get to know each other.” I said, hoping that it hadn’t sounded sheepish at all. He just waited for me to go on. I still held my pause, in case there was something even something small he wanted to add, because I felt like I had no idea what I was saying. “Because we never got to-”

Then I realized what I had said. I wished I was stuck anywhere for a split second and I had wanted to be somewhere I knew, the pubs to crash with really bad movies inside and people who I could at least vaguely recall just to give a sense of being calm. 

“Well, I never got to.” I said and he seemed relaxed. I wondered if he ever thought that I was angry at him, but the truth was that I wasn’t. Everything seemed to make sense or maybe these were the leftovers parts of a love I’ve always seemed to have for him. 


I've been trying to go to sleep earlier, so I've been breaking down my schedule and I've been overfilled with work and anxiety hadn't been helpful at all. To be honest it was anxiety which has been pushing me a lot behind and depression, so I've been trying my best and I'll force myself next time, no worries

About 1/4 of this chapter was written before, so I was pretty much left writing the rest of it in a few sittings.

I had really bad insomnia and since I've been so badly depressed I've been simply describing what a writer knows best, what they're feeling so I've gone on to describe that as well. 

Also writing Bar Eyes has been hard itself because of my state where I've been dreading everything and just sad about many things, so kind of writing about a city I've loved which I lost entirely and I don't even know if I'll ever have the guts to travel to since it's changed so much and due to my personal revolt at everything which had happened, it really sucks and aches and I had to grieve in this story for Glasgow which I didn't build a bond with at all to be honest. I was in Glasgow for a bit and it was downright miserable, so it's really about switching those two cities here and my experiences really. It's also kind of hard to describe Alison so bored of a city so yeah.

Callie asked me about the colleague which just confirms that to be honest, Alison didn't really think twice of her and it's just used as a comparison on how much indifferent she still feels. 

I've been musing on the ending and I guess we're slowly getting around to rounding it up with the grand finale if you must, I still need to understand where I'll be leaving it off and how. I'm always sad to round up the Kills stories and in general I love them a lot. 

I hope you enjoyed it with all my blood spent on it xD if you can spare a short message that would be lovely, sorry for asking and thank you



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