I
lay with my eyes open the whole damn night up the point that I could
paint the sky when it starts going lighter. Once it reaches the state
when you no longer need artificial light, I dress up, hoping not to
wake my parents up in any way. It becomes soon enough a habit to
sneak out without any food, as if it's a good way to hallucinate, but
in reality it's only because I don't want to wake them up and I can
get much more food in a store, once it opens before school. I dress
in the plain black uniform, wondering how come they skipped a chance
to make it navy blue or some other bullshit. But instead it matches
the nails I had chipped off nearly entirely through the course of the
night.
I
tried not to think much when it came to Jamie, but it's odd to have a
lover I had never touched and only suspected which was queer. I end
up missing someone who spoke out when it came to me. Now it's just
silence, even when I show up in the girl's uniform to school and I
wonder is it some sort of silent respect because he had told them
that? I ended up buying more roses and placing them on his desk,
pondering on his death.
No
one really found out how come there was a body which had never
drowned, never choked and never been killed laying there dead in the
river. It just seemed to be a mystery which slipped from everyone's
fingers and life just happened to go on. But I would end up pondering
on his life far too much, eventually I had heard as I was smoking
outside a gay bar, that he would show up around there or from another
guy that he had kissed. It seemed that I was getting to know a dead
man, as if he would show up next to me, smoking and telling me
everything.
I
end up walking around five a.m. when the dawn had started breaking
the morning loose, reminding the clouds to start the chaos of hanging
above us, as if they were all martyrs. I sit on the stairs of an old
building which barely has any windows and a cafe from the other side
of the city and as all old towns I wonder who inhabits everything. I
just sit there, cigarette between teeth and suddenly the tears come
to me, before I close my eyes and I keep them such, searching for a
lighter, until I hear a flick and with my eyes still closed I welcome
the light, inhaling slowly.
I
smell far too many roses and the steps below me become much softer.
It feels like entering a dream with a slow, melancholic kiss and I
see him in front of me, the city becoming a softer shade of pink
until it vanishes to a pink abyss and he's holding the lighter.
I
exhale and he's gone, back to the city, until I turn around and I see
him left of me. Standing and smoking, taller than me in heels. I just
stare at him with awe, because he's literally a great mirage from the
dead and I can only blame my sleep deprivation for it, as he motions
for me to make way and I do so, as he checks to make sure my
cigarette is still burning. He pokes my cigarette and eventually
takes a silver lipstick out of his pocket, stretching it out to me.
I
don't say anything and neither does he, smoking the cigarette in
silence, as I hold the lipstick close, examining it but not opening
it yet or breaking the package apart. Jamie looks at me very softly
and even turns so that he can observe me and it's far too intimate,
that I don't hold and break the seal of the lipstick, wondering if
perhaps he had wanted me to wait until he would be gone. But it's too
late as I open it and colours start flying out of it, making a whirl
around me as he keeps watching me, exhaling, without even blinking
possibly.
I
feel myself become light weight, a strange feeling of comfort
overwhelming me as I look up and I'm back in the pink void. My body
seems as if it's shattering and fusing, some weird sense of pride
taking over and magic like I've never felt before. As I open my eyes
I'm back to the uniform, Jamie is gone and I'm holding a long sword
in its big purple case. I turn around to see him clapping, nearly
making the first question I'll ever ask him again why is he hiding
behind me and why am I suddenly still in the skirt uniform. I don't
even have the courage to ask him anything, just stare at him and
wonder oh why did he die.
My
cigarette is long gone with the staff apparently taking it as some
prize, I assume as the dead Jamie walks up to me and claps as he does
it, before putting his hand on my shoulder.
“You'll
be the one to change the world.”
-
Sometimes I just panic terribly about posting stuff and today is unfortunately one of the days. I wrote this yesterday in one go and had it ready since then. I was just thinking and kind of felt like going back and picking up this story which frankly didn't get much more attention when it should've.
It's just plain story telling with this one though.
I didn't really set this with some specific city in mind, when I was a kid I would dream a lot of the same town, not knowing it and each night I would take let's say a different turn to another street instead of the previous' time and that's how I kind of ended up exploring.
Also I started thinking what if I did a Brian/Jamie story where I killed off Jamie in the beginning and then as I remembered this story (I write so much that I have to reread the written chapters to recall where I dropped off or something even what is even going on and since I jump from story to story writing one chapter or so only besides a few rare exceptions) I was pleased to see that my idea was already inhabited into this story.
I chose a sword because fuck yeah Utena, really.
I know this backstory is terribly short, but I really just went I'm going to continue this and I just sat and even if I struggled, I got this story down and yeah.
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, just tell me about it:)
Thank you for all your support
<3
Jamie
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