PDD or Hypoxyphilia 5

There are plenty of memories which you could swear were real, end up being just wrong assumptions of things and the more I think about composing music, the more anxious I get and ponder on drinking and not doing it sober with the sole fact that it would cure my anxiety and the more you drink the further you are away from getting drunk, so it just becomes a lolly to ease the nervousness. Even know when I pluck the feathers from the dead bird of a relationship, I ponder what was real and what was a blissful lie.

He kept captivating me, because it's not so often that you see a bloke that flamboyant even if we were in theatre class. My own hair was long and in dreads, but his was different and overall he didn't look like he even glanced twice at the scene I was in, he seemed to be some lost child of Bowie, but was far too real and didn't seem to be hiding from his sexuality.

One of the last things we ever did was have sex actually, I was far too pissed off at him and I couldn't bare the thought of even touching him, but we had pinned each other down. I recall how we just both kept making out, flipping over and somehow the anger was fading with each kiss, even if I knew that this was just a matter of time before all the petals would be gone from the flower.

I seemed to fear the future, on how would Brian act, because there is never a messenger from the future telling you that everything is alright. Even if I had juggled attraction to men in the past, I was a terribly late bloomer and I happened to still feel myself as a newbie, because I only had one partner while I could see Brian juggle with many men and break their hearts. I kind of liked drawing him like that with his bright make up I was sure was plenty of.

It wasn't much better when it came to courage when the lesson ended, indicating the short day to be over and Brian waving at me viciously and offering me a cigarette.

“You're the first friend I've made here, actually.” He smiled at me, the vicious smile gone and something which I could sweep until I'd find attraction was there.

Once we were done, we just stared at each other and the anger came back.

I blink at his sudden confession, not feeling it not because he's lying but simply the fact that it doesn't seem like he would be a loner with all his bravado, but weren't we all loners and outsiders and I just thank him for the cigarette, as I inhale, thinking what to reply and am I really a friend, since he's been courting me all this time?

“That's I guess lovely to hear.” I say and he just picks one of my dreads and tugs on it, grinning. I wonder how gay do I seem while sober as well and I hope he doesn't think that I'm one of those guys which go gay after a few beers, but neither is that a topic of conversation.

There's far too many tears on paper from loneliness, which he once filled, because he was there once.

“I am.” I catch Brian's attention as he just plays on with my far longer hair than he has. “I'm interested in men.”

There's far too many lies that I'm over.

He's far too back into smiling viciously, as if I am prey.

“I'm bisexual, actually. Had experience with both. Practising.”

There are so many old lovers I'll never draw again. So many realities I'll never cross again. They don't even have to be a creative outlet anymore, but they are the only thing that feeds. There's so many lovers.

If I'm the first friend he's had, how come he ended up tagging along to the squat? I ask that, to which he shrugs.

“I heard there was an outsiders party, figured that I would want to join. After all, where else would I go?” He stated and we both start walking away from the university, still smoking and slowly mixing with the London's exhale of people. It's still far too early in the morning to be lunch and somehow the other days have it further on, but today was short, so we don't even reach lunch and there's nothing much to do when you're broke besides finding your own means of entertainment and I still didn't know where Brian laid in terms of that.

I was panicking as if I had my parents over and I had to hide all the condoms, as if they would say that I was explicitly having gay sex. I didn't know what would be so new about Brian compared to my previous lover. I didn't know what would differ, but I felt scared just because he seemed so radiant and I was terrified like a bunny in the headlights. I didn't speak of it of course, instead we just walked silently, Brian raising his eyebrows at me, probably sensing my fear.

“Do you have any plans for today, then, Jamie?” He asks me as I just shrug, throwing out my cigarette in a nearby bin as we wait for the traffic light to go green and I don't even know where do you go after you admit that you're gay. I look at the traffic light, the red one, as if it were some sign that I wasn't ready yet because I had no idea how and where to go from now, but just like life it goes green and Brian keeps his grin.

I want something wild again. It's as if I had never loved anyone else.

-

It's been a good while, I haven't really been feeling very Brian/Jamie even if they're factually my ultimate OTP for every damn reason on this planet. I've been feeling awfully depressed and it kind of hit me really badly, so Callie being the loveliest person ever offered to do some roleplay with me and I'm quite strict about them, because I write paragraphs and paragraphs and I expect the same from my partner. And I don't roleplay that often these days, but I took the offer and it kind of stimulated me to keep writing during this depressive period even if our roleplay is between us and not going anywhere. But it really put me in the mood for some Brian/Jamie and I don't know how, but that inspired me to do totalitarian woollen hounds which doesn't have Brian at all, but anyway. 

I wrote this in one go, now I kind of feel starved for writing, so I've been writing loads everyday and going back to my teenage roots when I would stay awake but I'd write around 3 am, while by 3 am I am sound asleep usually or so, while now it's just in the deep evening close to midnight. 

I ended up writing the present rather easily actually, I've also been bitten by the Placebo bug so I went by with Without You I'm Nothing on repeat and that helped me along with watching old Placebo videos. The past was much harder to write since it's storytelling and guessing what had went on or doing headcanons really. 

Also going back to PDD was weird, because I had written it being mad at my ex, while now I don't really feel anything because it had been so long, maybe just lonely because I currently only have one partner with just weirdness around. 

The paragraph was supposed to be in the next chapter of totalitarian woollen hounds but I transferred it here because it seemed more fitting and that opened the gateway for me to start writing it again. I just needed to get myself angsty and that had been it. 

I pondered a lot on alcohol and inspiration because I seemed to writing better and more when I had one unit of booze and that made me ponder, so I kind of stuck that in the first paragraph. 

I randomly realized that I didn't mention Jamie's appearence until now, so here's to Jamie in dreads as he was in Blyth Power. Good stuff. 

I really missed this story and kind of consider it one of the best I've written, so I really love it.

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, tell me about it, you'll make my day

<3

Jamie