She doesn't talk to me and anxiety
takes the worst, with some anger which I nearly end up self harming
again one day and end it with actually scratching all the way to my
elbow, wearing a long sleeve in summer, but Alison doesn't bother to
answer to anything I say, drawing more and more.
I feel like I have no future as the
days pass and I keep picking on the newly formed rough skin over the
marks of my nails. I do discover that it's easier to play guitar with
longer nails and I keep them such, Alison telling me to trim them
becoming the first phrase she's said to me in days.
I invite her to go drinking with me,
just because I had saved up a few months ago and kept it for urgent
circumstances, this happens to be one. I look at her and I ponder,
why do we all try to make our lives fictionalized? Why do we want
them in a specific mould which will never fit love or anything like
it? Because I don't even know what to talk to her about, she's here
and we're not talking.
I don't want to speak of my past, but I
know that we've got plenty ahead. I don't want us to end with silence
either, I've had someone slip through my fingers once and I've had a
mess of years with Brian. I know she's pissed that I haven't spoken
about him, but there is nothing I even want to tell and I just
imagine all parallel universes where I don't even have to speak of
it. I can only imagine how much I can avoid everything, but nothing
really comes to reality.
“What is it?” I don't hold and ask
her. She looks up and stares at me.
“I didn't know you were gay.” And
she says it in a sad voice, like a verdict. I just stare at her. “Why
did you sleep with me then?”
I never wanted anyone to question my
sexuality or my doings. I light a cigarette, after raiding my pockets
and hand her one as well, because after me she learned how to smoke,
in a way to mimick someone you love.
“I didn't know I wasn't.”
-
I picked this up, just because I felt like it and it's one of my stories from the old days and it's so slow paced and will actually last until fucking forever most likely, since it's supposed to go around all their career, well, that was the plan.
I've been in a really bad place mentally due to the fact that I was going to attend a festival which had Kills and Alison cancelled, while the trains got cancelled for the other day when TLSP were playing, so that sent me into an awful downwards spiral, which I'm sort of failing to get out of because so much has been going on and I didn't have any time to rest and I was really looking forward to the festival and then it just didn't happen.
So it would have also been hard for me to write something long and due to that I haven't been feeling like milex, so I kind of shifted onto my usual Jamie Hince addiction.
I went to dark places and kind of heightened them in the story, because it seemed to match my mood.
I hope you enjoyed it and hopefully it won't take so long for a new update for this story
<3
Jamie
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