To Miles 4

We danced quite a while, the night spinning in a long twirl, us getting closer until my hands had went under his shirt and Miles had pulled my lip with his teeth, it really dawned on me, that out of all people, I didn’t want to report him

All of a sudden, I wondered if my job was so appealing after all.

Miles pulls me out of the dance floor, to the booths and takes his sling bag from under a seat, waving to the man from before, who eyes me with some hurt, I had stolen his date from before after all and a very good looking date, I must add. People just seem to keep coming, the heat still remaining from the day and even more due to the lack of proper ventilation in this facility. I follow him out of the bar, our hands separating not to ask questions in the resistant outside. 

I know what’s going to happen, we’ll go back to ship and we’ll fuck.

Shit.

We don’t say a word to each other, keeping our silence until we reach an alleyway and just as I’m about to speak, Miles takes his shirt off, revealing his body and I feel myself getting turned on even more, which causes him to smirk as he gets closer to me and takes my own shirt off, as our bodies brush.

Shit.

His hand slides down my pants. Shit.

“S-Miles, I don’t think this is a good idea.” I say against his lips, as he’s about to kiss me. Miles pulls back and smiles at me, opening his own sling bag and taking the undershirt and the rest, hat included. 

“You’re right, maybe the ship when ever-”

“No, I don’t think it’a good idea.” I feel like my own words hare hitting me hard and he stops with the hat midair in his hands. Miles looks at me confused. Maybe he thinks I’m too young, after all, maybe he thinks I’ve never had relations before, I don’t know what’s running through his head, maybe he thinks I’m a stupid scared questioning guy. He puts on the hat and waits for me to do so, as he motions me to dress up.

We start walking back and I feel horrible. Miles offers me a cigarette and I take it as he lights mine from his own, winking at me, which makes me feel a bit better.

“I’m sorry.” I apologize, watching him try to do a smoke circle and fail.

“Don’t worry, Al, it’s fine, I was scared as fuck too. I mean, we are considered illegal and sodomy for what we do and frankly, it’s bullshit. If it was that wrong, I think more actions would be against us and there would be less of us. I don’t think if being gay was that wrong is judged upon how it is.” Miles tries to reassure me and pats me on the shoulder, as we watch the bars with low amount of people start to close down. 

“It’s not that.” I object him.

“Then what is it?” And that is what slaps me across the face and I just look away. 

“I think... the navy is sending off too many gay men. And we’re still on shore, it’s easy to just discharge us, even easier, actually.” Saying my own thoughts aloud, that I could easily send someone off tonight and I shouldn’t be fooling around with someone I don’t want off and I haven’t even gotten to know him properly, I don’t know what does he do offshore, where he’s from, why had he decided to be a gunner or was it just something which had happened. 

“It’s easy to discharge at any point, really.” Miles says and I feel a note of annoyance in his voice.

“Look, I’ve been with men.” Shit. Shit. “My boyfriend got sent off on my last ship, it just happened that he was caught with the guy he was cheating on me with. It could’ve easily been me. They were both caught, discharged and both are now in jail. I’m not sure... I’m not sure I want that for myself.”

I grab him by his shoulders.

“I’m not saying no. Please, I’m not saying no. I’m just...” I look at him and he doesn’t look pissed, instead a see some relief in his eyes for my obscure behavior. 

“That scared the shit out of you, didn’t it?” Miles asks curiously as I stroke his shoulders, hoping that no one sees this, because this can be interpreted as intimate after all and we already have our uniforms on. 

“Yes.” I just nod, looking at him straight in the eye. 

“Don’t worry, I get it. I never had anyone sent off close to me, usually it’s from some mechanic who I have talked to once or so. It’s still shocking, but usually those who I’ve been with, they still manage their way around, you just do.” Miles shrugs and takes my hand into his and drops it, realizing that I’m really not budging as he glances at me and I just looked down. 

“I wasn’t even thinking you’d be interested in something more... long term.” Miles confesses and we just stare at each other. “I mean, I know you aren’t, but yeah. We could just... y’know, once.”

Oh, I’m not, trust me, because I have to sleep with gay men and fish them out just to leave myself without any suspicion and frankly, you’ll be the time bomb, Miles. 

“You mean a one time shag?” I ask, feeling too tempted to fuck him or have him fuck me, frankly I don’t care and a bunch of images flash in my head and all seem tempting and frankly, I am mad for refusing. 

“Yeah.” Miles smiles, a bit shy and shrugs. I keep my silence and then Miles puts his arm around my shoulders. He turns to face as we walk side by side, I’m happy that this can be seen as a friendly gesture, being hidden makes you wonder and note down what is ok and what isn’t. He sees my concern. “Ok, I’m sorry. Just you...”

“I know. I know, I approached you. I... I mean, you’re attractive.” Miles smirks, shaking his head, as if I had told a inappropriate joke. “You are and well, I saw you back there and yeah...”

“Don’t worry. I’ll still...” We stop for a while and we’re too close. “Try to get you.”

“Sure.” I smirk and Miles kisses me on the cheek. We leave it at that as we get nearer to the ship, but his arm is still around my shoulders, which is not enough contact but is very comforting in a world where we’re not ok. 

We walk back on board the ship and I just want to get off him and find whoever I can find, to report and tell myself that I’ll be ok for a few weeks. We both go quietly into the opposite bunks, he strokes my back and we go apart. I close my curtains, maybe too much of a gesture, but we keep our silence. 

I try to sleep, tracing my lips, knowing that he had kissed them, I still feel the blood rushing through me, spinning me and soon enough sleep catches me, but I nap knowing that I should wake. When I stand up, my eyes are adjusted to the dark and Miles’ curtains are open, but I see him breathing evenly. Jules is back as I have to make sure that I don’t touch his hand. I go back and stand near Miles’ bunk, knowing that if I wake him up we’ll have somewhere to fuck, I’m sure he’ll know, but I dig my nails into the skin, fixing my hat and I head out, opening the door fast to avoid the light and I slip out.

I walk out onto the deck, hoping someone else would be outside and I had forgotten my cigarettes, so I feel like I have a double need to find someone. I keep searching, but I don’t find anyone, so I head to the showers and I sit on the floor for quite a while, hoping that anyone would emerge.

Someone had to be drunk. 

And soon enough a man with light brown hair walks in, stumbling and he looks at me, gives me a little salute and heads towards a cubicle. 

I wait a bit for him to be done, shit.

How do you hook up?

Shit, I had Paul on my neck and Jack had just yanked me out of bed. No wonder I was chosen for this job. I stand up and open the tab, take my hat off and I fill the basin and I stick my head in with force, feeling the cold water try to reach me, but it just pinches my cheeks and that’s it and the man walks out and presses himself against me.

I keep my head underwater, dazzled. 

Well, that’s a start.

I turn around and I see him looking at me.

“I’m... Alex?” I say, not sure how to react and frankly he smells awful and I wonder how the fuck would he do his duties with such a hangover, but then it’s not just him, it will be the entire ship tomorrow, I’m even worried for the Captain, but all he needs to do is read the words in the correct order, of course if he’s going for that. 

“‘M Cookie.” He says and his boner digs into my thigh. 

“Oh, nice to meet you.” And he pushes his mouth on mine. And I don’t have to do anything, he drags me to the cubicle with him and frankly, he doesn’t look like the person who would do this while sober and he’s far too sloppy. But I still get turned on from all that time spent with Miles-

And Cookie’s mouth is on my neck and I wonder

What the fuck I’m I doing?

But if I don’t report, it’s going to be worse, because well... each ship has gay men, it’s a fact and many of them, so me not reporting is being very wrong and I’ll be the one chucked in jail.

Is it better to not know the man?

I press his against the wall, a bit tired of his sloppiness due to alcohol and inexperience and I give him a while as he keeps biting my neck and stroking my cock. 

Ok, he’s rubbish.

And I start kissing him again, lifting his shirt up, stopping for a while before I start trailing my mouth down his body and I undo his pants. I hear a delighted smirk from above as I take his cock in my mouth. I’m literally on the line between why the fuck I’m I doing this and why can’t I fuck Miles.

But as I keep sucking, I feel that the end is near, so I hesitate too much, but I take him out of my mouth.

“Aw, come on.” He says and I look him in the eye. I don’t think I look too happy about his sudden outburst, but I think I’ve achieved what I need, so I just start making out with him again and we hear the door open. I put my hand over his mouth just in case, out of concern and Cookie’s hands make their way to my cock anyway. But other than that, we don’t move, I don’t think I breathe. 

When they take a stall, I wonder if I should slap his hand off my cock, but then that would make noise. We stay like that until they are gone and then I am the one pressed against the wall and Cookie goes to his knees and blows me off. While he does it, I have Miles in my head, I feel guilty for declining him, but I don’t push off the other sailor away, instead I use Miles in mind and I come faster, arching my back before I slam myself against the wall, releasing a loud noise and hitting my back as well, but I need to finish this, so I go on my knees. 

Then I finish Cookie off as well. 

He kisses my forehead, which seems a weird gesture so I pat his shoulder as we both pull our pants off. 

“I really wanted to fuck you, you know. Like...” Fuck’s sake. He mumbles something and I’m getting too irritated both at myself and him. 

“I get it.” I nearly snap, job is done, I don’t have to act nice, really. 

“No, as in, you know, fuck as in.” Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up.

“No, I get it.” And I pat his shoulder even harder. He’s pouting. Lovely.

“We... both have to get up tomorrow, y’know.” I say and I feel like it’s an awful excuse so I press a kiss against his lips, which will be regretful and I feel like Judas all of a sudden, maybe because I am. We walk out of the stall.

“You sure, Al?” Cookie keeps on pouting.

“I’m sure. C’mon, both to the beds. We can continue tomorrow, love boy.” I smirk, knowing that there will be no tomorrow for us, if there ever was an us other than the stall. And I glance at him, still dazzled and waltzing with alcohol. In the end we depart, both of heading towards the bunks and I get back, to still see Miles’ curtains open and I head back into my bunk, glancing sideways, waiting for the darkness to grasp my eyesight. 

I turn towards him, leaving my curtains open.

I end up changing positions as I try to fall asleep and when sleep starts taking my reasoning I stretch out my hand and I try and find him and I get his wrist. I end up getting towards the corner of my bunk and I sigh too audibly, but he doesn’t stir. I stroke his wrist for a bit longer, before I put my fingers over his and I pull away, letting sleep take me. 

-

This was a massive struggle to get Milex off each other if to be honest -.- and the struggle still follows me. 

Like the near pre-sex scene wasn't s'posed to happen, but I cut it off like literally before it started, so I'm like yay, Im keeping them away from each other.

And then this happened: “Don’t worry. I’ll still...” We stop for a while and we’re too close. “Try to get you.”

(throws computer at the wall)

Yup. I fail. I still managed to make them into each other.

I'm still surprised by myself that I managed to make Alex and Cookie have sex. I feel... like I need a medal. XD

Actually Cookie wasn't s'posed to be Alex's first attempt, it was going to be someone else, but I've decided to leave them as the second or even third. Yes, Alex will get serious T___T 

Anyway, Captain Hince will show up again in the next chapter! :D that sure is a damn spoiler. 

Please feel free to tell me to post the next chapter and yeah :D

<3

To Miles 5

To Miles 3

It’s frankly boring and people keep going in and out, some deciding that the best time to drink is the afternoon, while others keep it to the night. I get invited by Julian, who ends up knocking on my bunk and I open my eyes, sleeping out of boredom and there’s nothing to observe other than the same seagulls catch the fish or someone just talking to someone else.

I feel too new to hold a conversation, so instead I had chosen to sleep.

And once I open my eyes there’s Julian opening my curtains and he takes the hat which is near my pillow and pulls it on me, which causes me to grunt as he pulls me by both arms.

“C’mon, let’s go drinking.” And I sit up, watching my head, which in the end involves me standing up fully and I fix my hat, guessing that Julian will head out in his uniform, well, as far as I know, you just don’t go together to a gay bar unless you want to score a threesome and frankly, you’re very drunk and stupid and not in the uniform. There was a guy who did so, but funnily enough he was dared and he still got discharged any small mention of anything close to a gay bar gets you discharged. 

“Who’s coming?” I ask and lean against the bunks, still tired and drenched in sleep. It tends to be more than one person and I ask it before knowing that I’d want Miles to join in. 

“Oh, just me, Carl and Pete, really. Miles’ goofing off somewhere already. We just want to get drunk, really since you won’t get a chance later on and well, everyone is going to hangover anyway. It’ll not just be us but a crowd of drunk sailors tomorrow, so we gain some anonymity to soothe ourselves.” I just shrug, wondering if I should just sneak out to a gay bar and score some shag on shore, I mean I don’t know how do I report and it still takes a while to figure out who is gay and who will wink back at you. 

From eating all I learned is that Pete and Carl were loaders, Miles and Julian were shooters and the third loader should arrive tomorrow first thing. I had seen the captain as well and I shivered lightly, knowing that I should report who is gay to Captain Hince. He wasn’t too tall as well and Julian said that he’d never really stir the wheel, re-reading Dostoevsky novels, that even when you head up to him, he barely has his head out of the book, only sometimes raising his eyes to ask what do you want.

Miles then had joined in and we exchanged glances briefly. Seeing Miles for the second time was sure a punch in the guts again and I just took a sip of water, water calms you down and gets rid of the anxiety, which I had and Miles didn’t seem to. 

None of us seemed to have rings, was something which I had noticed but asking who had girlfriends seemed inappropriate and what would I say? I could’ve lied that my girlfriend was a test pilot which I barely see, just because I know it would make Lana laugh if I see her again and I’ve saved her many times as well. 

“He’s not too bad. Maybe to you, Juju he never raises his eyes, but he does put his book down when we talk.” Miles had smirked, Julian just shrugged with his hands. “Don’t worry I’m sure he’ll love you too, someday.”

“I thought he had a wife, Miles.” Pete stepped in, poking his boiled potatoes. He started cutting them and raised the fork with the potato to his eye, watching it carefully. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this shit. We should’ve eaten out.”

“Say that to Albert and he’ll give you empty cans for lunch.” Miles stepped in, nearly finishing his. I had finished mine already, the last cook was even worse than this one, so me and Paul decided that the sooner we eat it while it’s hot, the faster it’ll be gone, so I had learned to eat fast, leaving myself with just a glass of water and hesitation about getting tea. “And the Captain is indeed married with one child, actually.”

“How the fuck do you know, Miles?” Pete asked, poking the potato so much that I had a feeling that he hoped there will only be holes left of it and the cook would never find out. Miles thought for a while about his answer and pushed his plate away a bit, crossing his arms on the table.

“I think he might’ve told me or someone else might’ve said so. I can’t remember. You tend to remember...” He glanced at me suspciously, changing his phrase. “Those who are married.”

“True, those who had children too.” Julian piped up and I wondered what’s the big deal, but instead I stood up, excusing myself and I head towards the kettle. I wonder about Juju, Miles seems somewhere on the boarder, but that just might be me thinking too much of him, before I had dozen off before I had thought of him, letting him lull me into sleep. 

I get back with a cup of tea and Miles nodded towards me an Julian turned around to see me with a smug interested look in his face and I just silently sat back down, stirring the sugar in the mug. 

“Do you have a girlfriend, Alex? Someone waiting for you... out there?” And Miles asked, as everyone else quieted down, but there was still chatter among other tables. 

“No, actually. I’m pretty much single.” I said and I looked at him in the eye, wondering if I should fire away the same question.

“Fair enough.” Miles replied. 

“Do you have any idea who is the third loader?” Carl spoke up after watching all of us and shoving the potato down Pete’s throat after watching him poke the rest of them until they had all became mashed. 

“I don’t know him and he’s supposed to show up first thing before we leave, as well. I just hope he knows how to load, that’s all I care about.” Miles shrugged then he looked at me. “He should be your loader, actually. I’m not giving up Pete and neither is Juju giving up Carl.”

And he patted Julian on the shoulder as both smirked, quickly glancing at each other. Both had surely had some bathroom fuck session, but I let it slip through my mind. Funny how some people say that if it happened while at sea, it’s not gay, it’s always damn gay, more like you found yourself an excuse to fuck another man, that’s it or you couldn’t hold anymore. 

I get it, make the newbies stick together. 

We all finished eating and then scattered. 

I hesitate and think for a while. 

I think I’d rather change clothes and go to a gay bar, I decide for myself, but I thank Juju and pretend to go back to bed, as he leaves, checking his uniform and exits the bunks.

I lay for a while, tracing the bottom of Julian’s bunk, wondering what should I wear, since my uniform surely wouldn’t be suitable and I’m more recognizable this way. I raise the bunk, thinking that no one would head in, but that’s when I hear footsteps and I close the coffin locker too loudly, which causes Miles to stop at the door.

“Everything ok?” He asks me before we both register who each other is. I turn around to face him and he just smiles briefly before going to his bunk. We both stand near our bunks and then Miles just goes on top of it and lays down for a while.

Shit.

“How long have you been on this ship, Sir?” I ask him, starting small talk which would surely hold him even longer here.

Shit.

But then I could be going out to hunt out sailors, fair enough. I just raise the bunk and grab a random polo with my slingbag and stick it in.

Shit.

I’m sure he’s seen more than peculiar behaviour. 

“Four and a half months, actually. Not too long to get bored of it and I quite enjoy it, well, the other two guys were nuisance, but Juju’s fun, Pete and Carl are fun too. Just give Carl some time and Pete to sober up, when he’s sober, he’s less dumb and clingy.” He smirks. It dawns on me, Miles sleeps here.

Across me.

Technically all I have to do is stretch my arm at night to touch his fingers and face. 

I need to leave and get a damn shag. 

I don’t know what to reply, so I just salute and turn around to hear Miles himself stand up and open the coffin locker. 

I exit the ship, wondering which bar had Julian, Pete and Carl crawled into, but it would surely be something else than I would. I turn left as soon as I get out of the ship, lighting a cigarette and making a few bizarre turns until I reach an alleyway where I take off my hat and shirt, a bit too fast before sticking the uniform into the bag, knowing that I’ll have to iron it anyway later on.

I head onto the next street, watching a few people already walk drunk and I pass them, clutching onto my bag, hoping that no one will peak in or try to steal it, now that would be awkward if all they find is a sailor’s uniform. 

I check for people and with a deep breath I increase my step and pull the heavy door towards me before going down the steps, it’s funny how everyone increases their speed and until they are near the bar, ordering a drink, the anxiety doesn’t really wear off and neither it does in my case, when I see all the men talking together or girls flirting, music playing loudly. I run a hand through my hair, wishing I had something longer and less military-looking, I always have this feeling that everyone will know who I am. I squeeze past a few already made hookups, apologizing and get a few hungry stares.

I want my alcohol first, lads. 

I get a martini and I look around, wondering why I’m I here. I should be out catching the awful gays onboard my ship and frankly no one is stupid enough to have their uniform out here. I order a second one, with my head down, wondering what I’m I doing and it dawns on me that Paul is in jail and I got a job which lets me fuck men and then hand them over. I should be the sinner behind the bars if God exists, but then I’m just survining with whatever is given at me.

There was always something peculiar in the God fellow. He didn’t seem to like me or Paul or anyone who was gay, himself and the other people he had created. Something was surely wrong with him or maybe he had liked us and not the rest, the rest were just born out of old plasticine, the ancient fuck couldn’t be bothered to throw out.

I turn around, watching all the men inside, I skip past the woman and I’m sure both sides are very comfortable with that, they’ve got enough men hitting on them outside these queer doors. 

I get a third drink and my head is against the table, too many thoughts racing in my head, which I don’t even want to rethink.

How the fuck do I report to a man who won’t even look at me and read Dostoevsky who I could never stand and never understood the whole hype around the Soviet countries. Of course, we all knew that Hitler would attack them at some point, the point hadn’t been reached, but it was going to happen eventually. But the fact that it was going to happen, wouldn’t be avoided and sometimes you’d get people to talk about it and debate who would win. But it wasn’t a fist fight argument, it wasn’t on our soil and that’s all what mattered to people. 

My mom made a big fuss for me not to volunteer on any war, which made me question what the hell did she think the navy and the army was here for, to which she just said, darling, I don’t want to bury my son. Mind you, burying is also finding out that the son is gay.

I get a forth and I feel a arm on my shoulder and I turn around to ease in his gaze for a split second.

We both pull away, like burnt and Miles just raises his hands and turns around, leaving me red faced, flushed and feeling the alcohol in my mind swirl, drawing even more vivid pictures. I stand up to find him, but I don’t, I even wait in the queue for the bathroom to open up, but he’s still not there.

Shit. 

Shit.

Alex, wake up, he’s gay and he’s here. 

Shit. I still can’t find him and I don’t bother ordering a new drink and I don’t know how do I even ask, even I don’t go by my own name here, no one does unless you hookup and you want to be romantic for once. Or describing him the only thing which comes to my mind is “he has a military haircut”, which isn’t really appropriate in this context and I’ve got one myself.

I notice him chatting with someone else in one of the booths, clinging his glass to someone else’s and I don’t know if I should approach and I turn around, wondering and hoping he’d call me out.

What if he just doesn’t like me?

Shit, so I make my way to the exit.

I’m immune, he’s not, if he should be scared it would be of me. 

Shit.

I want to invite him to dance, I won’t be able to do this once we’re off shore. 

Shit.

I actually turn around and walk towards his booth and he turns around, his face paling lightly as the other man has longer hair than both of us and is slicked. Miles drains his cocktail as the other man glances at both of us.

“Can I invite you for a dance?” I really struggle not to add Sir and not to fucking salute to which Miles raises an eyebrow, pats the other man’s hand and stands up. I take his hand, pulling him onto the dance floor, wondering what the fuck I’m I doing.

Shit. 

I can’t do this.

I don’t want to report him. 

Miles turns me around and I wish I had chucked my slingbag somewhere, I wonder where is his and we stare at each other.

What the fuck do I say?

I run my hand up to his elbow and Miles sighs. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get a straight crew now.” He smirks and I blink. So... Juju is gay too? Pete and Carl had my suspicions, but Juju could be pictured with a woman and three children, who sent him candy. Miles looks at me confused. “Alex, we’re in the navy. everyone is damn gay.”

I feel him be uncomfortable so I pull him in a dance, putting my hands on his back.

“I know... just...” Shit. I feel so dumbstruck that I even wonder now how the fuck I’m I not a virgin and I’ve managed to fuck men over the years, attractive men, way out of my league. “I’m sorry, I...”

“You didn’t expect me to be gay?” Miles smirks and we’re still dancing on knives. 

“Yeah.” I say and I dare myself to look into his eyes and I watch them soften. His hand travels to the back of my head and I start breathing heavily, watching everything blur out as he presses his lips against my own. I don’t think either of us have fallen yet, but tonight seems like that night before everything shatters and I feel myself loosen as I kiss him back, pulling him closer, feeling my tongue brush against his and I give a low moan, which is muffled to everyone else by the music and the laughter. 

We pull away.

It’s not wrong that it’s gay.

It’s just...

“I’m sorry.” Miles apologizes and his hands fall to his side, feels like a sudden burn. He nods towards the door and makes his way towards it.

Shit.

I grab him again and then I pull him back towards me and I see him pause his breath for a second as I hold him tighter. 

“I invited you for a dance, it’s not over yet.” I smirk and press a soft short kiss on the lips I’ve noticed before. It feels natural, beyond these doors it feels natural, with all the queers hooking up, making love, continuing to hope for something when not just behind these door is ok to make out. And I pull Miles closer, kissing him one last time, pressing my cheek against his as he strokes the back of my neck with his fingers and I can’t resist from kissing him again, deepening the kiss, yet holding my hands to myself.

Shit, just don’t fuck, don’t fuck.

-

I can't keep them apart. I try and miserably fail and Alex just wanders back into the bar and fucking asks Miles to dance T___T but I love them scghsdcgs

I still haven't decided who the 3rd loader is, so I am shamelessly using that :D no one knows and I don't and the loader will be in the morning (in the story of course xD)

And Jamie Hince appeared! Yay :D 

And yeah, so far everyone is gay in Miles' crew. So far. Mysterious 3rd loader XD 

I really love both Miles and Alex, but yeah, stuff ahead, stuff ahead :D

I hope you liked it and please tell me if you want the next part :D

<3

To Miles 4

To Miles 2

When I get the job, it’s bizarre that I can’t brag about it to anyone, I can’t write it on a letter to Matt, it’s too risky and I can’t really tell anyone, instead I just thank and smile. I get told that I am good looking, so of course the homosexuals will crawl out, which I just took as a weird compliment from someone twice my age and far more misunderstanding of homosexuality that I ever had even when I was seven. 

I also get asked questions if I’ve ever thought of other men, to which I shake my head and do a forceful nod to the fact that of course, I like females. I don’t think I even found girls attractive when I was in primary school. 

Looking back I had agreed, refusing would mean that I was either homosexual or I approved of such deviant behavior. So it was either me in jail or someone else, it had been a bizarre second and I had Matt’s words in my head, I was allowed to literally fuck and it would all be seen as heroic in the eyes of nation, gay sex was finally something heroic, I was putting out my body to spread the decease from spreading. Wow, I wonder if I get a fucking medal for it. Maybe that’s how I should come out to my parents, hey I had gay sex in order to defend our country, while enjoying it, but don’t worry

don’t worry about what?

Exactly.

It’s not just blowing bubbles with some random girl on a park bench, everything you like can be seen as feminine or wrong and gay. 

It’s funny how some find the drag shows the only way they can break the boundaries. I’ve wondered myself and I did it with Paul once, both of us singing something Paul had given me the lyrics for once and it was over before I knew it, but I also used the moment and kissed Paul, behind the stage, covering myself as a woman even if I’ve never felt like one, yet I wanted her freedom of being with another man, but I don’t understand why should I be different to have someone similar to myself. 

But even with the kiss I had recieved and minor relation, I still decided that drag wasn’t my thing, instead I’d rather risk and have no one mistake me for a woman or think of such. Even if I wasn’t entirely sure if Jack had properly found me attractive or was desperate to masturbate and didn’t want to do so alone and I had been taken for the job. 

I start walking up to the ship, feeling anxious and in my head, I know I have two jobs. My parents asked me about the interview, but I couldn’t say anything, instead I just proceeded drinking tea and ignored the question, them guessing that a raise was chucked away. I was content at that. I salute to the officer and ask for permission, giving my card. It doesn’t take too long and I don’t feel like distracting the officer.

I’ve been only on carriers before, so it would be my first on a non-carrier and away from the pilots. I don’t understand, but then I still get a lot of crew and someone has to be gay and if I’m getting sent here, there should be at least a few queers. And I have no find them. I actually wonder, how will it feel, sending someone away, letting the words spill from your mouth and then wondering why are you so thirsty and scared. 

I walk on the deck and some don’t have their uniform on unlike me and I fix the hat, swallowing nervously, wondering who to ask and I approach a young man who is struggling with lightening his cigarette. I look at his short dark hair, not used to my recent cut and dreading the same cut we all have and how the barbers measure it, once they hear that I’m going to the navy. I look at his pants and plain white shirt, realizing that this is the best I’ll see. He raises his eyes at me, looks at me and asks me for a lighter.

I raid my pockets then drop my bag to the floor and I start raiding it, as he keeps watching me. Surely someone to note and I feel bad all of a sudden with someone right in front of me who I could send off if he sucks my cock. 

I find the lighter eventually and I hand it to him as he lights it. I watch him inhale and I feel embarassed glancing into his soft brown eyes.

“Hey, so, you’re new, right?” He asks and his voice is deeper and more drenched in smoke than I had expected to. I just nod. He takes another drag and exhaling pretty quickly. “I’m Julian Casablancas.”

I shake his hand, getting the bag back on my shoulder and I try to smile back. I’ll be kicking out real people and sending them to jail just for a few orgasms and my own safety. 

“I’m Alex Turner.” I let go of his hand and Julian thinks for a while and I take his offer of a cigarette as he offers me one, both of us realizing that most likely my cigarettes are also tucked somewhere between shirts, which would take a while to find as well. I look around, wondering who would Chief Petty Officer Kane be and how would he look like and if he’d be suspicious enough. 

“Do you know where Chief Petty Officer Kane is by chance?” We smoke our cigarettes and then I ask. Julian nods and we start heading towards the guns. I follow Julian into the turrets and the door is wide open. A man stands up and waves at Julian, also a cigarette between his lips. I notice that he’s wobbling a bit, but the smile on his lips seems to be something like a subtle apology. 

“Oi, Pete, get the fuck back here.” I hear an annoyed voice and Julian smirks. Pete rolls his dark eyes, nodding at the other man who is fiddling with the loader and cursing from while to while. 

“Coming, I’m coming, my love.” Pete says and heads back into the crammed room and I watch them trying to turn the jammed hatch. In the end Pete just tries to help the other man and it’s still jammed. I glance at Julian, who sighs and goes to give them a hand. I just stand there, realizing that it would be more of a nuisance if I headed in there as well, so I just wait until they manage to move it slightly and then with a few more minutes of struggles they open the hatch. Pete pats the other man on the back and then he gets out a flask, which is grabbed instantly by the man.

And I get a good look at him and he glances back at me, straightens up and gets his hat from a switch on the wall. He’s taller than me and I feel short all of a sudden around all of them who are way above 6 feet. The man puts his hat back on, looking at me, trying to break something within me and I feel shattered already and frankly, I feel bizarre

I have a blanket fall on my shoulders and warming me up, as I’ve been feeling empty inside and he looks a bit lost as well. We keep our silence for a brief while, before he looks away at Pete. 

I can’t help but stare at him, wishing his big eyes would lock on mine again, as he just hands the flask back to Pete, who mocks him by showing that it’s empty, opening it, tilting it over and shaking it, and he just puts an arm around Pete, smirking and punching him lightly. He tries to distract himself and frankly, I’m not even close to trying, I keep looking at his edgy features before my eyes drop to his lips.  

“Miles, this fellow was looking for you.” Julian says and motions to me and I just bite my lip, trying to hold myself as he walks out of the turret. He throws away the cigarette, by aiming to get it overboard, I’m guessing he’s practiced enough as it gets its destination, to sink.

Shit. He’s attractive. 

“Oh.” He straightens up and fixes his collar, before stretching out his hand to me.

Shit.

“I’m Miles and yeah, I take care of Pete when he’s drunk and Juju when he slacks off.” Julian just flips at him as I glance back to slap on the nickname given. I glance at Pete who just waves at me again. “And there’s another guy, but he’s off on the shore, but he should be back soon otherwise we’ll leave him and he of all people would be sad.”

“Carl’s getting me candy.” Julian says to Pete, who just shoves him lightly, clinging onto Miles still. I really hope that Pete would sober up by the end, but then I’ve heard that they were good, specifically word had gotten around after the last live fire exercise. Frankly, I was intimidated by transferring here, considering that during the time Paul was kicked out I had screwed up and missed a shot, miscalculating and the numbers crawling themselves in a little ball, as I just had Paul packing in my head, as Daniel was already gone.

Knowing that it would be the last time I’d see Paul, wasn’t better either. 

“I’m Alex Turner, Sir. I got transferred.” I salute, wondering what else can I add. 

“Oh, nice to meet you, Turner.” Miles just smiles. 

Shit.

Shit.

“Juju, you mind showing him around, I need to make sure this thing doesn’t get jammed again.” He sighs and turns around, taking his hat off and I watch him from behind, having thoughts already which I will keep to myself, thank you very much. 

“Do you need help?” I ask, wondering if I might be needed. I see Kane shake his head and wave me off. I glance at Juju, who just turns around and humming pushes me lightly to walk and we head down the deck to the lower decks. I follow Julian, who opens the door for me and we head into the tower. 

It’s crammed as usual and some are in their uniforms, some are slacking off, enjoying the brief moment before we all have the same uniforms and scatter off to do our duties. 

“Watch your head.” Julian tells me and I’m not sure I have to lean lower as much as he does, considering that he’s much taller than I am, but I still do to make sure. We keep going until we arrive at the bunks and Julian shows me the empty one and climbs onto the one on top of mine. 

“You sleep there, I’m guessing?” I ask as I open my bag and take out the tooth brush, killing time by taking out clothing and sorting it out, as Julian mutters a yes and I see him close the curtains. Well, that was the entire tour I guess. But then it shouldn’t be different from any other ship. I look at the dark blue curtains and smirk, hearing Julian move around. 

I get out some paper and a pencil and close the coffin locker and I get on the bunk, lifting my hand up just to see how cramped it is. I wonder still what makes me choose it, but then I always liked cramped places, I would build different forts when I was a kid of chairs and bed covers, I’d always make them small and cozy and then my mom would carry me to bed, before dad would come home and they’d argue why wasn’t I still in bed. 

I wonder how would they feel if they knew that I’d still do a fortress only I’d have some guy with me in it and it wouldn’t be so innocent anymore. I don’t think there’s anything innocent about love, I mean, what’s innocent about both us getting down under the law and seen as criminals and never to see the light of acceptance.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, but then to the ill person everything seems ok, but then who would be the ill person. 

I bite the tip of the pencil, wondering what to write to Matt, surely I couldn’t mention that Pete was drunk, that Juju was excited about candy seemed somewhat acceptable, but I wasn’t sure how that would fly. Mentioning Miles seemed out of the question. I had just promised to write to him as soon as I get on the boat, even if we were still on shore. I had to do the same thing to my parents, but they could wait. 

I scribble that I’m good, that everything seems ok, that I had met the rest of the people I’d be working besides a fellow who was still on shore, who seemed to be supplying a lad called Julian with candy. I wasn’t the only one with a sweet tooth, then and I had mentioned it to Matt. 

I finish it with random blabbering, I tell him that I miss him and I wish him luck. I close the letter, stick it in the envelope and wonder who else sleeps on the other four bunk beds. 

I head out, just to wander for a while, before confessing boredom and heading back to read some novel, which I had picked up with my eyes closed, it’s always the same, I’d have to imagine that all of them are male and that no female existed in the fictional world, but usually by the middle I drop it. I go to the canteen, which is closed, wondering what would be on the menu today. I drop the letter, curse at myself for not saying hi to anyone who talks to me. 

I end up on the deck, watching the sea, wanting to sail already, let my mind be calm.

I should be searching for homosexuals. 

How the fuck do I even do that?

Do I just see someone who I don’t like and flirt until they fuck me and then I kick them off?

I turn around to see Pete greet another man who is holding some bags, which I’m guessing would be the candy for Julian and they embrace briefly, but I catch that it should be longer than needed. When you struggle for contact, you do that one second which wouldn’t be visible to the naked eye, but I just look away. There had to be other queers, but the fact that it would be a couple, was surely something that didn’t cross my mind. I wouldn’t risk hugging Paul, not that we were a hugging couple anyway. It was literally a small tug of the arm in the night and we’d sneak out. That was all the intimacy we’d get outside the showers or if we could find a stock room, if no one else was using it. A lot of men would fuck someone eventually over the course of the months, even if they weren’t gay, it’s just how it happened unless you had a 2-10-2 on board for the straights, coz all the “pretty” ones according to Matt were taken, on shore or lesbians or presumed to be. Obviously you’d get the ones who’d deliberately try to get on with the lesbians, which was annoying and confessing to being a lesbian, was just as bad as any man getting caught with another man. 

I had managed to become sort of close with another woman, who whenever she’d get hit on by other men, she’d just look at me with her green eyes, begging for the other guy to lay off. But by putting my arm around Lana’s shoulders protectively which had made us both shiver. She wasn’t too bad of a test pilot and she’d tell me before she had to leave, how she didn’t understand how she couldn’t be a proper pilot and that she wouldn’t have children, so what is God preparing for her?

I didn’t know what to say, so I shrugged.

“Mmm.You’re a white man, of course, you don’t.” And she exhaled the smoke from her cigarette. She was good looking, but she wasn’t my type at all, but I could see why both genders had gone with her. She’d talk about this childhood friend who she was close with and who had become a mother with a sad tone in her voice, that she had changed with all the children and the cooking and the stamp of being a wife. In conclusion she had decided aloud, stretching her arms, that maybe even a test pilot wasn’t too bad, surely something had to change. 

-

I thank the US navy for thinking of such a wonderful and delightful job, without the idea this story wouldn't have happened. 

Onwards, I have to think of so many male characters that it's bizarre. I'm literally taking anyone who I think would fit and so far in my head I've got 17 characters so far and I still need a 3rd loader x___X And I've got 3 women so far. So 14 men and 3 women O_o 

The idea of Miles being in charge of Alex was really thought of straight away and I guess, random fact, Miles would be 28 in this story while Alex is 24. 

I know who Alex is going to discharge and report, pretty much so it aches writing some characters, knowing what fate lies ahead or those who will die, since the story will progress onto WWII. 

I've never researched a story so much or watched so many videos of the insides of ships either XD It's really fun, reading all these small things and at the same time I had to think a lot before every single paragraph.

I was really concerned about the scene where Alex first sees Miles and that took me a while to write, as I wanted the whole love at first sight effect. 

Funnily enough, as usual, women with their relationships are easier to write xD

Thank you and I hope enjoyed it and please tell me so and I will post the next chapter. Even a small comment would make my day and help me write faster xD

<3

To Miles 3

To Miles

“You really decided on the milkshake then?” I take a sip of the milkshake, holding it in my mouth for a while before swallowing and I just nod, trying to make sure I hold this moment in my mind with all the whispers and light paranoia ever since Hitler came to power. I nod at Matt’s beer, to which he shrugs.

“I’d really choose the beer, you know, I mean, when’s the next time you’ll have alcohol properly?” And he takes a good sip of it. Matt’s more calm than I am, I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning even if I’d received a letter saying that I was getting transfer.

You get told when you’re a child that life is hard when you cry about not getting enough candy, but they don’t tell you that just because you’re slightly off the book, you’ll always be a step away from being jailed. It’s really weird, knowing that you won’t know who will tell, who will find out. And you don’t know what is going on with you until you have your mouth on someone else’s who happens to be the same gender. 

I mess around with the straw, looking around and seeing either couples or friends. But the couples of course are opposite sex and I see Matt glancing at the woman near the bar and I just avoid her, knowing that I’ll get enough nagging. Maybe that’s why when you wonder what do you want to do and it’s just common knowledge that there is something else going on in the navy and being in a ship with a bunch of other men seems like a surreal fantasy and frankly it is. You have the women as well, but rarely, our lovely country has an issue with anyone who isn’t a white male. I happen to be a white male and from a presentable family as well, so eyebrows were raised lightly when I had announced that I was going to the navy.

But surely, Turner couldn’t be different, he was just like us... maybe a late bloomer.

Right.

Late bloomer sounds even more bizarre when I had known that something was different about me, when I didn’t see the appeal of coming back home to a woman who would just have a quickie and have children. 

I could barely manage my own head, how the hell would I manage someone else’s?

“When will you properly have a milkshake as well, Helders?” I smile at him and he smirks in reply. His eyes are wandering too much to the dark haired girl at the bar. I think she’s just replacing her brother, because well, women are supposed to be behind the scene, making everything for her man, but she seems to young, but nothing seems young anymore.

“When will you have anything besides water?” Matt corrects both of us and we sigh, or at least I’m trying to put on a curtain of despair upon Matt, just to tell myself that I’m not the only miserable one here. 

“What the hell is it, Al?” Matt asks and I just close my eyes, waiting for a man to pass and I make bubbles to kill time and get the attention I really don’t need. I don’t understand what’s wrong and why should I hold myself, act more strict, more persuasive and smoke cigars. I don’t even know how should I act. Matt acts however he wants and he’s fine, but then he’s straight. I’m not.

Coming out to your parents was like getting a slap to one self and to them as well, it was like saying that you’re waving your country behind and shifting to the rival’s ship. Sometimes people would say that homosexuality was the worst thing to walk this earth. I glance around again, it’s just the girl and Matt shoots her a smile and I groan. 

“...He got jailed. I’m not joking. He fucking got jailed.” I lean closer to him and continue whispering only even lower. “Paul got jailed with Daniel. They caught them, I didn’t know he was cheating on me, but more like... he got jailed. It could’ve been me, Matt. I swear to God.”

I stop and feel a shiver run through my body. Shit, I shouldn’t be talking in public, but Matt is busy charming the girl, but I know he’s still listening to me, one hand on the lady’s hips and one ear listening to me. 

“I was sure that they... and I got called in for this weird interview. They’re putting me on a destroyer. I mean...” I try to loosen up. “I don’t get pilots then.”

And Matt rolls his eyes at me, pushing me away lightly and I laugh. Maybe it’s because I’ve been next to the pilots too often, maybe I should’ve been a navy pilot myself, but I did too well on the assignment and I got told my math was too good to waste an frankly I don’t mind shooting some ships, I mean, it’s me in the end who does the final blow. Let’s not forget that I even shoot more than the navy pilots do. 

“Maybe they’re interviewing you for that new job, you’d be perfect for it.” He smirks and the dark haired girl approaches us and Matt asks for a refill, as I just do more bubbles watching both of them and wondering why something so simply as flirting can result you in jail. Well, it wasn’t subtle flirting in the case of Paul and his lover, Daniel, which I wasn’t aware of. But then I hadn’t dated Paul properly either. Frankly, you pretty much take whoever you know won’t tell and who is reliable for a quick fuck. We’d become pretty often each other’s choice, but he wasn’t someone I’d come back home for either. 

I can’t blame him for choosing Daniel, though, Daniel was better looking, but if I had known that he was in our little circle of outcasts an judged by God, I’d go for him as well. My first thoughts as I had found out were, damn, I could’ve fucked Daniel. Daniel was a pilot as well. Actually, both of them were pilots.

I seem to have a thing for pilots since lately all I’ve been getting is straight married blokes in the gunnery. I mean, I enjoy my job, but then I’d rather sometimes hang out with the pilots, it had all started when I had seen him and he was cocky and arrogant and-

Shit.

I finish my milkshake and Matt is only happy to call the girl over again and I have no bubbles to fiddle with so instead I start looking around, happy that we are the only ones and once she leaves I really wonder again, what will happen and who decides to throw the dice and what number do they land on. 

It was oddly bizarre to hear about Jack’s death. 

There was something weird about the morning he had went off and we had breakfast together and I recall him drinking two cups of coffee at once and winking at me. I remember his hands, well, of course I damn remember his hands. I damn remember his face and how he’d joke and how he’d sleep one hand over his eyes and he’d always shift which I’d hear being on the lower bunk, putting my covers over my head, breathing heavily, knowing that he had been so close.

It had happened just once and it was close to his death as well and I was so sleepy that I barely recall it happening, I just recall his mouth biting my skin all over and how it had been with him following me to the bathroom. He had grabbed me and kissed me, sometimes I wonder if I’m too visible to the naked eye, but then I’d be fired and in jail as well, but I wasn’t.

His arms had been around me and he had put me up on the sink, leaning me against the mirror and I recall that the lights weren’t too dim from the new lightbulb and I could see his dark circles, there were always periods of worry, what if something will happen

and it happened

to Jack, who I had bothered to watch off on every mission and he would never turn around. I wish I had the guts to kiss him again after that one encounter and I wondered if it was my fault that I never went on to pursue him. Maybe that’s why I started looking closer to all the other pilots, desperate to fall in love further with a man who’d resemble him, who would talk endlessly of how good he was while flying, how he’d never had a bad landing, that all of them were perfect and how he was the damn finest pilot the navy would ever get.

And I still wonder if he was. Then I had seen Matt land once better than Jack had and I wondered what if Jack was just fucking in my mind. He didn’t last too long in my mind, because we didn’t get too attached, but he was surely the one in my mind whenever I felt lonely and I’d want to convince myself that I was somewhere close to touching love. 

She walks away and I sigh happily, relaxing and leaning back on the tall chairs we are sitting.

“What job?” I ask and I take a napkin, ripping it into stripes for no reason as Matt blinks, confused, maybe it’s something so obvious which had escaped my mind. I grow impatient as he tries to gesture for me to stretch my mind. “What is it, Helders?”

“You know, that job where you get assigned to see who is gay in the navy. Fun job, I’ve heard. You fuck a chap and then you tell on him and you even get paid. I heard about it, that they hire men who look... y’know, like gay.” Matt leans in, smirking and I see that he has a light stubble which I’ll never be able to grow anywhere else besides my chin and a small mustache, well, at least I don’t look bad shaved, not that I have another option. “And you get to fuck guys, like with no one going behind your back and you are paid to do so.”

I blink. Why the fuck would the government do that literally paying other men to fuck other men and most importantly tell.

“I’m guessing that’s the interview, since they didn’t tell you anything. Just make sure you act gay enough.” Matt smirks and I get the milkshake again, he smiles at the dark haired girl and I blow bubbles again to irritate off everyone, including myself. 

“Yeah, just like that, bubbles.” And I roll a ball from the stripped napkin and chuck it at Matt. I still wonder, I’ve heard about it, but I didn’t honestly think it was real, seemed like a joke, they don’t seem smart, but then neither is hiring me to fuck men. In that case everything is under the label that I’m doing this for our country. I drink my milkshake faster, wondering why do I suddenly want to leave and let my thoughts roam with me for a while. I don’t like seeing Matt off and I’ll be off as well, Matt tomorrow and me the day afterwards. Most likely I’ll just sleep the day away, not wanting to open one eye to remind myself that the mysterious interview will take place. 

“I thought they had discontinued it.” I interrupt both our thoughts as we both split the bill and I take out my wallet still with a cutout of Jack which has the other side facing. Thankfully I don’t get asked about it. He had made it to the newspaper after his death, so I had used it to give myself some sort of romantic aura. I felt lonely. You feel lonely in the navy even at night when it’s full to the point that you can’t breathe, everyone is snoring or you hear some fucker touch himself. 

“To the public. Perks of having the dad in the navy too.” I groan. My dad was an engineer and was far off from the navy, so I wouldn’t get some bizarre gossip or the right time to get a good ship. I still find it weird, because they had it back in the ‘20s and I really thought the hype was done after the scandal of gay men enjoying their job too much and then describing their experience to the committee. 

“Well, if it is that-” I get interrupted by my best mate.

“I’d be glad to fuck men, right Al?” Matt smirks and I just stand up, smirking, not wanting to leave and not see him for the next few months again. I just nod and we both leave the place, Matt throwing a kiss at the black haired girl.

“You do realize that she might be underage, making you a molester?” I tease him as I close the door, quickly glancing at the blushing girl. Well, that’s going to be a smashing diary entry or gossip among her pals. 

“You do realize you’re also a molester of beautiful men?” Matt smirks, I just shove him as he offers me a cigarette and we smoke back in silence, before we depart we hug tight and I turn around, knowing that Matt is watching me, same thoughts in his head that we don’t know when we’ll see each other and with all the rumors it gets bitter to say good bye.

Matt knew me too well and I had told him, begging him to never leave me, to always be my friend. It’s weird when I think of it, that I’m pretty close to Matt and we’ve been for years and even if I’ve had my thoughts, it had been because it’s someone else who knows that I’ve been gay all along, even without knowing it. 

I’ve had my fair share of thoughts and even on one Valentine’s day I had taken the cigarette from his mouth and kissed him, all of a sudden realizing how wrong it was and Matt just complimented me on being a good kisser. We had looked at each other after that, leaning slightly, before shrugging it off and I had lit my own cigarette, to which we concluded that I just had to get laid some time soon before I’d crawl up the walls. 

-

And I present you my baby. I've been thinking about this story for weeks and the thing is, it's just softly touching the plot of what is going to happen.

I've been nagging at my partner for years to write some WWII fiction, coz she's a massive WWII freak, bigger than I am and we've spent hours discussing WWII. I always wanted to try it, but I never had a specific plot which I'd want to go for and it was just a vague dream of mine to do so and typing this, my gf is happy and thrilled that basically I'm writing three of her favourite things together: WWII, Milex and LGBT in WWII. 

The idea came from, an amazing job which was done in the US in the 20s. There had been numerous complaints about homosexuality in the navy and the idea of sending someone to out the gays was their idea to deal with it. In the end too many gay men signed up and after listening to graphic details of how wonderful the sex had been to prove that said investigated sailor is gay, it had been dropped. To the public it lasted a year.

This is where I apologize for the historical inaccuracy. Initially I was going to do the 20s with that job alone, but I wanted something else going on and I decided, well, just coz for the public it was shut down, doesn't mean it wasn't shut down. 

My gf as anyone would, found this story entertaining and frankly funny. She'd tell anyone about it and I'd laugh every time, amused how such thing had even happened.

Then after laughter I had asked her, what if Alex and Miles were involved in this and Alex was trying to out Miles? 

Boom. Idea. But I'm writing the other two Milex stories and I already juggle with a bunch of others.

Then after much hesitation I've decided to do Nano and this was the story I was planning to do after I finish any of the other Milex, but Nano showed up and here is the story.

It will have a big what if this happened in the war, which will appear later and I will keep my mouth shut, unless I've told someone already >.> which will make everyone in shock.

Also I have to use a bunch of male musicians here and it's funny how many I've got even in minor roles. 

I really really hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did and yeah

Don't worry Miles will show up xD and even if I promised to try and keep their hands away from each other for a while, everything should happen

and yeah, I'll keep quiet for now. The title was chosen after I was hesitating and my gf asked "if you were Alex and you were writing this, how would you call it?" and the title was chosen. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you

Please tell me if you want the next chapter:3

<3

To Miles 2